Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Us Weekly Reports Britney Was Always Doomed To Be Slutty Nut



The big cover story from the new Us Weekly is that Britney Spears was--shockingly!--not really a virgin until her 20s but actually gave it up when she was 14, and that since her grandmother shot herself at age 31 at the grave of her dead baby, Britney was clearly fated to flash her ladyparts, shave off all her hair, attack papparazzi with umbrellas, feed her kids Crest White Strips and Cheetos, and, worst crime of all, to make a lacklaster comeback performance at the 2007 MTV VMAs:
Us reports in its new issue that Spears lost her virginity at 14 to boyfriend Reg Jones, and that she and Justin Timberlake were intimate from the beginning.

Something Spears also kept secret: Her family's tragic history.

Us has learned that Spears' paternal grandmother, Emma Jean Spears, in June 1966 committed suicide at age 31. Britney's grandmother, who suffered from depression, shot herself in the chest with a shotgun at the grave of her infant son who had died eight years earlier just three days after being born.

A local newspaper article obtained by Us reported at the time: "The shotgun had been pressed against the woman's chest and she apparently pulled the trigger with a toe of the right foot from which a shoe had been removed." The newspaper reported that Emma Jean had attempted suicide three times before.

Emma Jean Spears left behind four other children, including Britney's father, Jamie Spears, then an eighth grader. Two of Jamie Spears' brothers ended up with criminal records and homeless.

Oh, ya'll! This is all very sad and all very unsurprising--I mean, wouldn't you have totally already guessed that Britney's grandma was named "Emma Jean"? Every family has skeletons, and the olden-timey lady in me thinks it is really tacky to print all this stuff about Britney now.

And you thought your Thanksgiving was going to suck!

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