Thursday, November 29, 2007

Frightening Celeb Photo of The Day

According to the new issue of Star, inexplicably-still-in-the-public-eye '80s mallteuse Deborah Gibson decided to get a little work done on her shnozz, with ghastly results:


(image via Jezebel.com)

Seriously, what was she thinking? As little as anyone recognized her before, now she not only doesn't look like herself, she doesn't much resemble a human.

I can't stop staring at that new nose. It is totally mesmerizing...Perhaps Deborah Gibson 2.0 has been sent here by her robot masters from outer space to hypnotize our species with her creepy new nose?

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Toy Vey!



Lordy, ya'll! The new Star magazine says Britney Spears has a sex-toy-filled love dungeon and her house is grody and filled with feces-from-various-species-smeared couches AND she's pregnant again by some waiter. From the New York Daily News:
The tabloid alleges that the plummeting pop star's Mulholland Drive mansion is equipped with a double-locked, X-rated "Fantasy Room" filled with ticklers, whips and fur-trimmed handcuffs hanging from the metal bedframe...

The second-floor room also features a mirrored ceiling, a glass jar containing spanking paddles and a closet full of kinky outfits, according to an "insider" who stumbled into the den of sin.

"She wears Catholic schoolgirl uniforms, a maid's uniform and a Cinderella outfit," claims the mole. The source also contends Brit is so obsessed with Marilyn Monroe that she wants her nose redone to look like the blond model of self-destruction.

"Britney is sexually obsessed," the source tells Star...

Star's source also claims the house is a stinky sty — that the white couches bear hideous stains of diaper-changing and Britney's dog. According to the tab, a "court-appointed watchdog" is set to declare the place a potential "health hazard."...

Star quotes "multiple independent sources" as saying Brit is expecting again.

"Yes, I am pregnant and I am shocked — almost four weeks to be exact," says Brit, or someone claiming to be Brit, in a message on her MySpace page, according to Star. "I don't really know if I'm happy or sad I'm just ... idk [I don't know] I am happy I guess. I saw the ultrasound and it was really kewl!"

OK. I can totally buy the tacky fantasy room and the "sexy" Cinderella outfits (seriously, though, WTF?) and the poopy sofas, but surely this last part isn't true! Even a possibly bipolar psychotic megalomaniac sex addict with daddy, mommy, and self-esteem issues wouldn't think it was "really kewl" to add another mouth to this particular litter at this particular time, right? RIGHT?

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

If You Watch Just One Video of a Mormon Dancing Like A Giant Doll to a Dirty Rolling Stones Song This Year, Make It THIS One

Miss Marie Osmond lost what was left of her mind on the finale of "Dancing With The Stars" last night and decided to do THIS:



WOW. Apparently, she was trying to make a tribute to her creepy doll-making past. According to Us Weekly's "Doll Dress Disaster" article, Marie, who was "surprised" when the judges hated her danse macabre (judge Bruno Tonioli called it a cross between "Baby Jane and the bride of Chucky") said she makes no apologies:
"I did it for all the people who have been voting for us, and I have a massive doll base and that’s who I did it for."

Well, that's something I can relate to, actually. Felt Up also has a "massive doll base," and thank sweet baby Jesus for that, or who else would read this thing?

I mean, really? WHO?

A Reason To Live



According to Latino hipster site Guanabee.com:
Mexican actors Gael García Bernal and Diego Luna are teaming up once again in the upcoming film Rudo y Cursi, directed by Carlos Cuarón (brother of Y tu mamá también director Alfonso Cuarón, for which Carlos wrote the screenplay). The movie is about two brothers. Who are hot. Also something about fraternal love and soccer. Plot is secondary unless it somehow manages to culminate in another “Ay güey, what have we done, güey? Awko taco!” sex scene.

Mexican soccer players? Ay ay ay! Swooning couch! Smelling salts!

I know I'm in the minority here on Earth, but I actually prefer Diego Luna to Gael García Bernal, especially once Diego started growing a beard, filling out, and starring in movies like this. However, they are both hot hot hottties and together are almost too much for an old cougar like me to bear!

O lord, I beseech thee: Please let there be another "'Ay güey, what have we done, güey? Awko taco!' sex scene"! PLEASE! AND I DON'T CARE IF THEY'RE PLAYING BROTHERS, EITHER.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

A Treat For D'Onofrionados

It warms your humble Felt Up blogette's cockles to see that of all the hot dudes' photos posted the other day, it was Vincent D'Onofrio's who struck the biggest chord with readers. I hear you, ladies!

Oh, the crush I have on this man knows no bounds of decency or reason! From Full Metal Jacket (who DIDN'T swoon over Private Pyle, I ask!?!) to Adventures in Babysitting, from Household Saints to The Player, and most especially in his role as Det. Robert "Bobby" Goren on Law & Order: Criminal Intent), Vincent D'Onofrio has enthralled and confused and delighted me for nigh on 20 years.

And, apparently, I am not alone. A quick perusal of YouTube yields a plethora of insane D'Onofrio fan videos, but I thought this one in particular summed up the feelings of us admirers and our appreciation of the man and his most popular character quite nicely. So without further ado, I present the Citizen Kane of Bobby Goren fan videos, Hot Stuff, by auteur, genius, and possible stalker LielieS.:



Well, as long as we're being silly, why not enjoy a fan video set to The Cure (even though Vincent is young and thin and thus naturally I don't think he's as hot)?:



And here's another supremely ridiculous Bobby Goren video:



Want to see a Criminal Intent montage set to Bette Midler's "The Rose"? of course you do! And while you're there you'll easily find the Billy Joel "You May Be Right" D'Onofrio tribute, and one set to "Total Eclipse of the Heart" and oh, just basically hours and hours of D'Onofrio-related entertainment!

Sometimes I really love these interwebs...

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

I Am Trying To Break Your Heart

The Munchkins from The Wizard of Oz got their star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame today, and the seven remaining actors (of the original 124) were on hand for the festivities. Look, ye cynics and misanthropes! Look upon this photo and if your heart doesn't melt at the sight then it is truly made of stone. STONE, I SAY:


(image via defamer.com)


Still unmoved? Too hardened by these times of ours to feel a swell of emotion right in the place where your Tin Man's heart should be? Well, then, take a gander at Clarence Swenson and his wife, Myrna! Mr. and Mrs. Swenson live in Pflugerville, Texas , which is spittin' distance from Felt Up HQ in Austin, and he was one of the Munchkins who made the trip to Hollywood for the ceremony. Just look at them. LOOK AT THEM!



(image via the austin american-statesman)


I don't care if you think The Wizard of Oz is overrated, I don't care if your entire childhood was tormented by endless nightmares of Munchkins chasing you with lollipops, I don't care what excuse you might have: These are the sweetest photos EVER!

More To Be Thankful For, Hot Dudes Edition!

Matt Damon, my ass.

Even though I find the whole concept ridonkulous, and I hate the word "sexiest," here are MY Sexiest Men Alive 2007:


JAVIER BARDEM! I'd rather you kill me with a cattle gun than see you frolicking with Penelope Cruz, though!


Clive Owen. Brooding, dark, remote, intense, vaguely hostile: PERFECT!


Joaquin Phoenix! If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: Hairlip=Hot.


Daniel Craig. Especially in those '70s outfits in "Munich"!


Amy Winehouse's backup singers! They give it their ALL.


Vincent D'Onofrio. The fatter and greyer, the better!

What the hell, here's one more Joaquin. It's my blog! You're not my father!


And, last but maybe first in my heart as of this very moment:


Alec Baldwin as "Jack Donaghy" on 30 Rock. You had me at "bust up a chiffarobe"!

Things To Be Thankful For!

Here are a few things to help you forget for a teensy moment all the wars and anorexic movie stars and African famines and Britney Spears's whole sad life and Saudi women getting getting 200 lashes and prison time for the crime of being gang-raped and--as much as I love her music--Amy Winehouse's cocaine-filled nose and drug-filled beehive and whatnot, and be thankful for some of the nice, life-affirming things we do have to celebrate, such as:

THIS.

And I highly recommend you Netflix this immediately if you've never seen it and make it a part of your holiday tradition, even though it has nothing whatsoever to do with Christmas or Thanksgiving, because it is just a wonderful, funny, total delight and makes life worth living!

Just like this video from the best show on television right now, 30 Rock, featuring Tracy Morgan as "Tracy Jordan" and his novelty song "Werewolf Bar Mitzvah":



Then from Saturday Night Live, here's pretty much the only skit(s) I ever liked featuring Jimmy Fallon, "The Barry Gibb Talk Show" (with the always-surprisingly-brilliant Justin Timberlake):

SNL Barry Gibb Talk Show



And, via Jezebel.com, here's a wonderful clip of Stevie Wonder in his prime with a killer band singing "Superstition" on vintage "Sesame Street," which is worth watching all the way to the end and, if you're an old lady like me, may bring a wee tear to yer Irish eye, as you get nostalgic looking back at the kind of Utopian multicultural world o' funky soul that used to be presented to us on television on a daily basis when we were kids:



I think I am most thankful that I got to be young back then, and not now!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Us Weekly Reports Britney Was Always Doomed To Be Slutty Nut



The big cover story from the new Us Weekly is that Britney Spears was--shockingly!--not really a virgin until her 20s but actually gave it up when she was 14, and that since her grandmother shot herself at age 31 at the grave of her dead baby, Britney was clearly fated to flash her ladyparts, shave off all her hair, attack papparazzi with umbrellas, feed her kids Crest White Strips and Cheetos, and, worst crime of all, to make a lacklaster comeback performance at the 2007 MTV VMAs:
Us reports in its new issue that Spears lost her virginity at 14 to boyfriend Reg Jones, and that she and Justin Timberlake were intimate from the beginning.

Something Spears also kept secret: Her family's tragic history.

Us has learned that Spears' paternal grandmother, Emma Jean Spears, in June 1966 committed suicide at age 31. Britney's grandmother, who suffered from depression, shot herself in the chest with a shotgun at the grave of her infant son who had died eight years earlier just three days after being born.

A local newspaper article obtained by Us reported at the time: "The shotgun had been pressed against the woman's chest and she apparently pulled the trigger with a toe of the right foot from which a shoe had been removed." The newspaper reported that Emma Jean had attempted suicide three times before.

Emma Jean Spears left behind four other children, including Britney's father, Jamie Spears, then an eighth grader. Two of Jamie Spears' brothers ended up with criminal records and homeless.

Oh, ya'll! This is all very sad and all very unsurprising--I mean, wouldn't you have totally already guessed that Britney's grandma was named "Emma Jean"? Every family has skeletons, and the olden-timey lady in me thinks it is really tacky to print all this stuff about Britney now.

And you thought your Thanksgiving was going to suck!

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Project Runway Star to Be At STITCH Tonight Along With Every Other Cool Person In Town!



I would be terribly remiss in my duties if I did not pass on some info about Friends of Felt Up Jennifer P.. and Tina S.. and their amazing STITCH Fashion Show and Guerilla Craft Bazaar which happens tonight here in Austin.

This is the fifth amazing year for Stitch, and it just keeps on getting bigger and more fabulous. The new venue is the Austin Convention Center at 500 E. Cesar Chavez, in exhibit hall one. The doors open at 4pm, and the fashion show starts at 9:30.

Entertainment will be provided by such luminaries as:

Prince Klassen
DJ Ian Orth
BIGFACE
DJ Jennifer
Double Dutch WIll Take You Higher
Uber MC Matt Beardon

AND extra-special guest Bradley Baumkirchner from "Project Runway"! OMG!

Tons of great fashions will be strutted down the runway, including designs from local superstars Chia,Hot Pink Pistol, Naughty Secretary Club, Tina Sparkles, and more, more, MORE, plus a ginormous craft fair that is a perfect place to pick up some Christmas gifts and meet-n-greet the elite of Austin's ever-growing DIY scene.

Get thee to a craftery, people! Support local businesses and artists! DO IT! Tickets available for a mere $10 right here.

Friday, November 09, 2007

From Winehouse To The Big House?



Oh, boy. Amy Winehouse's cad nogoodnik rent-boy husband Blake Fielder-Civil was dragged off in a paddy wagon in London, after police investigated him for allegedly scheming to pay off a witness in his upcoming assault trial--which I didn't even know about!--last night. From the
UK Mirror:
Amy Winehouse's husband Blake Fielder-Civil was sensationally arrested in front of her last night over a claimed £200,000 plot to fix a trial.

As eight plain-clothed officers manacled Fielder-Civil and led him off to cells, the tearful jazz diva begged hysterically: "I want to go with him."

Then she stood on tiptoe, threw her arms around his neck, hugged and kissed him and repeatedly said: "Baby, I love you. Baby, I'll be fine." Finally, weeping and hyperventilating Amy, 24, ran out of the flat and shouted to Fielder-Civil in the courtyard below: "I'll be fine. Baby, I love."

Fielder-Civil managed to shout back "I love you" before being bundled into an unmarked people carrier.

The dramatic arrest at a flat in Bow, East London, came hours after 10 police officers used a battering ram to smash down the front door of the couple's home in Camden, North London.

Last night Amy's mother-in-law Georgette said: "She's totally distraught and too upset to talk."

Earlier detectives had been tipped off by the Mirror to an astonishing alleged plot to halt a trial in which Fielder-Civil and pal Michael Brown are accused of assaulting a barman causing GBH with intent. It is claimed £200,000 would have been paid to alleged victim James King to withdraw his police statement.

He would also be flown out of the country before the hearing in the hope that the case against Fielder-Civil, 25, and Brown - due on on Monday - would eventually collapse.

As part of our investigation King, who needed metal plates fitted in his face, was filmed withdrawing his allegations about the assault.

Amy was not filmed at meetings observed by the Mirror and there is no evidence to suggest she was involved in the alleged plot.

And I think I have too much drama in my life! Ha! Amy Winehouse has more drama in one strand of her beehive wig than I do in my entire personal history since the day I was born! It is totally insane! And why do I have the feeling that just possibly that £200,000 did not come from her husband's personal piggy bank?

Developing....

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Leg Up!



I am kind of in love with this story from Page Six today:
Stella McCartneyis fighting back against her evil ex-stepmonster, Heather Mills.

Last week, Mills told "Extra" that Stella - who never liked the one-legged "model" and once begged her father, Paul, not to marry her - did some "evil, evil things. She scraped my face out of a photo."

Now the fashion designer has created a jewelry line, and her first effort is a necklace featuring a single-leg pendant. The bauble costs $500 - a lot less than the $100 million Mills is looking to get from Paul.
So bitchy! So tasteless! SO AWESOME! I can't wait to see who on Team Stella will actually wear this out in public. Will Stella-bestie-friend Gwyneth Paltrow deign to wear this bauble on her giraffe-like neck? I can't really see it. But I can totally imagine Madonna swanning around with Heather Mills' effigy leg dangling from that ancient, shriveled vein she calls a throat...

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Sometimes I Watch TV



Did anyone else catch The Sex Pistols on Craig Ferguson last night? It was a total delight! Johnny Lydon is chubby now in a quite adorable way and he kept rubbing his belly and lifting up his shirt and tweaking his nipples, plus he shouted "fat is the new slim!" at the end of the performance of "Pretty Vacant." Cheeky! Also, incredibly, all four members (original bass player Glenn Matlock has taken over for Sid Vicious, RIP) have completely full heads of hair, which is jaw-droppingly amazing considering they are a) in late middle-age, and,rather more importantly, b) British. Good times!



Speaking of good times, the premiere of the fifth season of Nip/Tuck was très incroyable. The move to L.A. has somehow brought the show back to its tacky, over-the-top roots and I couldn't be happier! What was my favorite part, you ask? Well, it's very hard to choose! I looooooooved the Tia Carrera as the extreme-S&M-mistress-who-masticates-on-studio-chief -Craig Bierko's-burly-chest storyline, but Oliver Platt and Bradley Cooper as the director and star of Hearts & Scalpels, the hilariously Nip/Tuck-ish show-within-a-show were also tremendous, as was Lauren Hutton as a devious publicist. However, top honors have to go to the always-awesome Jennifer Coolidge and her tour-de-force "pussy lips" line-reading. Brava, lady, brava!

If you've never been into Nip/Tuck or got turned-off by the endless serial killer/organ theft ring story arcs from the last couple of seasons, you need to get off your high horse and get thee to a tv-watchery and tune in to the F/X network on Tuesdays at 9pm because Nip/Tuck IS BACK!