Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Your Blogette Is Back!

So I hear from my network of spies that there has been grumbling amongst the Felt Up readership about my lack of posts recently. All I can say in my defense is that I had urgent, pressing business in a hammock on a beach in Mexico all last week, and the hammock was sadly--and rather inexplicably--not wired for the interwebs, so I was unable to update the blog. If it makes you feel any better, I'm now peeling like an onion after getting terribly sunburned from falling asleep on a reclining chair in pool with a swim-up bar...

Anywho, there isn't actually all that much interesting gossip floating around today, but I can report exclusively that all three Wilson Brothers (Owen, Luke, and least-famous-but-most-handsome Andrew) were spotted eating dinner at local Austin restaurant Guero's last night. One of my Felt Up stringers called in the tip and Friend of Felt Up Angela C. and I hotfooted it down there to discreetly gawk. Andrew was sporting blond shaggy hair and a beard, Luke was also bearded, and Owen seemed quite skinny. Angela also reports that she saw Owen and his "sober companion" (if by "sober" you mean "pot doesn't count") Woody Harrelson at the Whole Foods flagship store at 5th and Lamar over the weekend. You heard it here first!

In other non-news, my beloved Star magazine has a fabulous story this week about "Stars' Secret Flaws," which is my favorite type of trashy mag feature. In it, we learn from various blabby Hollywood stylists who will never work in that town again that:

*Jennifer Aniston is "neurotic" about waxing her bikini line, to the point that she has her waxing lady take off "peach fuzz" and sometimes uses a tweezer to remove stray pubes. Now this is news we can use, people!

*Renee Zellweger suffers not only from "squinty eye syndrome" but also from unsightly rosacea all over her pinched little face.

*You may find this hard to believe, ya'll, but Britney Spears has terrible skin and resorts to extracting blackheads herself with her "cigarette-stained fingers," which only creates a "breeding ground for bacteria to further inflame her skin."

*Oprah Winfrey has a huge bunion that looks like a sixth toe.

*Katie Holmes has "hammer toes."

*Courtney Love sometimes forgets to wax her chinny-chin-chin hairs, which gives her a bad case of what doctors call "grandma chin."

*Nicole Richie and Kate Beckinsale have huge bald spots on their heads, and apparently some celebs tattoo their scalps the same color as their hair to hide bald areas.

*Finally, Jennifer Lopez wears fake eyeleashes, puts the "chicken cutlet" inserts into her bra to give her cleavage some lift, is actually pale as a ghost and has a "woman apply a dark cream to her entire body" to give her that J. Lo glow, wears Spanx underpants to smooth her lumpy bits, and her hair is barely shoulder length and she wears a lot of wigs and hair pieces. Well, who doesn't?

OK, I'm off to rub salve and ointments into my pork-rind-esque nether regions! Vaya con Dios!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Haahaaa!!! Oh I'm glad you are back. My subscription to US had run out. BOO HOO. Now I am regaled to reading Reminisce magazine at the library. Oh the shame. May I say JLO is reported to be with twins. you know what that means...petri dish loser!!! Love Erica ;0