Monday, October 01, 2007

Another Reality Show Has Ended Its Season, And Our Lives Are That Much Emptier

Recognize this person?



No? Well, how about this one?



Would you believe it if I told you they were BOTH photos of Heather, the Hardest-Looking (Even In Stripper Years) 32-Year-Old On Earth and "Bret Michaels' Rock of Love" contestant? This is how America has come to know and love her:



**SPOILER ALERT! DO NOT CONTINUE READING IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHO WON!**

NO, REALLY!

OK! Here I go!

So, after Bret, Heather, and her nemesis Jes went on a "romantic" trip to Mexico that included dune buggy riding, a somber moment about Bret's diabetes, a nice dinner, and sex with Bret for Heather, then a yacht trip, nice dinner, somber moment about Bret's diabetes, and sex with Bret for Jes-- plus "a final test" question for both of them back in the studio (would they be willing to share him in a three-way relationship?)--Heather lost to Jes, the 23-year-old with the pink-tipped blonde hair and the protruding clavicle. (Although I use "won" veeeerrry loosely. After all, Jes has to date Bret Michaels now!) Heather was none too pleased with the results and stormed off the set in a huff and called Bret "America's Biggest A**hole." I bet she's already changed that "Bret" tattoo to "Brat" or something similar.

Anywho, the ladies over at Jezebel have thoughtfully provided a link to Heather's MySpace page/paen to herself, which is a pretty increidbly awesome DELIGHT (and launches the Nikelback song "Rock Star" when you load it--how perfect is that? Ha ha ha!).

Here is a verbatim excerpt from her (for some reason all-caps) blog entry about last night's season finale. The lady is pissed about the way the show was edited (which made her look insensitive to Bret's Somber Diabetes Moment and also totally willing to "share" Bret with Jes in a polygamous relationship):
I HAVE CRIED MANY NIGHTS OVER HOW SOME EPISODE PROTRAY ME. I AM SO HEARTBROKEN AND APPALLED THAT I LOOK SO INSENSITIVE IN THE FINALE. I LOVED BRET VERY MUCH AND HE WILL HAVE A SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART FOREVER. IT JUST BREAKS MY HEART THAT THE EDITING MAKES ME LOOK SO INSENSITVE.ON OUR DATE IN CABO WHEN HE SAID HE WASNT FEELING WELL WE STOPPED AND I WENT AND GOT HIM SOME WATER..IT WAS HIM WHO WANTED TO KEEP RIDING TO GET ALL DIFFERENT CAMERA ANGLES. I WAS FULL OF SAND AND WOULD HAVE LOVED TO JUST CHILL ON THE BEACH IN THE FIRST PLACE.

I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS THE MOST REAL, DID EVERYTHING I COULD FOR HIM---U GUYS DID NOT SEE WHEN I WOULD MAKE HIM BREAKFAST IN BED OR WHEN I BOUGHT HIM BALLONS AND ROSES ON HIS BDAY.. I WENT SHOPPING FOR HIM AND HIS KIDS IN CABO AND ACTUALLY SPENT OVER 1000 THROUGHOUT THAT MONTH., BECAUSE I LOVE TO GIVE AND ESPECIALLY TO PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT.

NO, I WASNT THE SKINNIEST ONE OR THE PRETTIEST ONE, BUT I WAS HONEST AND GAVE HIM MY HEART. BRET SEES BEAUTIFUL WOMEN EVERYDAY OF HIS LIFE---REMEMBER TAMARA--BUT, ITS CHEMISTRY AND AN AMAZING BOND THAT IS HARD TO FIND.... WE BOTH FOUND IT AND ITS A SHAME ALL OF AMERICA HAS TO THINK THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST---I ABSOLUTELY, 100% DID NOT SAY I WOULD SHARE HIM.WE BOTH SAID NO..THAT WAS EDITED AND I AM SOOOO APPALLED BY THAT--AS IF THE STIPPER THING WASNT ENOUGH, (WHICH I QUIT DOING MONTHS AGO)--OR PRETTY MUCH NEVER SHOWING ONE BAD THING ABOUT JESS, I GOT RAN THROUGH THE COALS AND HEARTBROKEN ONCE AGAIN.

We feel your pain, Heather! Haven't we all been "edited" by life to look like oyster-loving strippers with "F**k me hair" and Bret Michals neck tattoos who are too busy driving dune buggies to contend with a diabetic coma and are more than willing to share the love of our life with another woman in a non-monagamous three-way, really? In the larger sense? I think so.

(By the way, I thought the whole diabetic thing was lame. They barely mentioned it all season and were clearly using his condition as yet another "test" of these girls' character, and when he was in the dune buggy with Heather he just said he was hungry and not feeling well, not that he was about to die of a diabetic stroke. I'm with Heather on this one!)

Next up: pleaseohplease let them give Heather her own "Rock of Love" spin-off show! "Rock Charm School" or "I Love Heather" will do nicely, thanks!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Dude: I am SO with you that Heather needs her own show. And they should somehow bring Lacey in for a few episodes of it.

How can Bret party as hard as he does with diabetes? I think he picked Jes b/c he knows he's going to need a nursemaid very soon.

Terri R.