Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Blondes Have Less Fun



Dear god, this Halloween just gets weirder and crazier and more vomitous! Now I hear tell that two of my fellow Texans, tears-of-a-clown Owen Wilson and...oh, I don't even want to type this!....sweet baby Jesus in the manger, please guide my hand! aaaaaaaaah!.....sigh....here goes...OK....deep breath...just spit it out!....JESSICA SIMPSON may possibly have gone on what might, in certain circles, be called a "date." From Ben Widdicomb's NY Daily News column:
Jessica Simpson sure makes a great anti-depressant.

She and Owen Wilson have been spotted on a date in Los Angeles, according to the new issue of Star magazine.

The two dined Sunday at the Huntley Hotel in Santa Monica before retiring to his Malibu home.

"He couldn't keep his hands off her," a witness tells the mag.

Apparently, sparks flew between the two Texans when they were in Austin on Oct. 16 to appear in a video with Willie Nelson.
I never in a million years thought I'd say this, but DAMN YOU, WILLIE NELSON! GODDAMN YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL!

Owen, dear, I know you're illin' and all, and I also know that sometimes it might seem like a little nookie with a developmentally-disabled blonde big-boobed bimbo with daddy issues is just what the doctor ordered, because, hey, we've all been there, right? BUT IF YOU END UP IN A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP WITH JESSICA SIMPSON I WILL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO THROW YOU OFF A CLIFF. And who would believe it wasn't a suicide, eh? Mwah ha hah! The perfect crime! Consider yourself warned...THIS WILL NOT STAND!

Ashley Takes a Tour De Lance



I wish I could say that this is a cruel Halloween prank, but alas, it is all too real: The New York Post's gossip column, Page Six, is reporting that Ashley Olsen (AKA "The Fat Olsen") is dating...LANCE ARMSTRONG! AAAAAAAAH!
ODD couple alert: Ashley Olsen has a new, older man.

The 21-year-old twin showed up to the Rose Bar at the Gramercy Park Hotel Monday night with Tory Burch's ex, Lance Armstrong, 36.

Our bar spy said, "They came together with a group of friends. Ashley drank red wine, sat on his lap and they were making out all night. They left together around 2 a.m."

Armstrong has been spending more time in town since he bought a home here.
Ewwww! Gross! To me Lance Armstrong seems waaaay older than 36, and Ashely is like a teeny, tiny Monchichi stuffed animal, so it's especially gag-inducing. I don't know how tall he is, but she's so itty-bitty I bet he could carry her around with one hand, like one of her ginormous purses. He could use her as a festive container to hold his treats when he goes trick-or-treating tonight! Maybe they're both gay and this is all an elaborate ruse... Instead of being a "mirken," she can be his Birkin! Ha ha ha!

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Frightening Angelina Jolie Vein Photos of The Day



Serioulsy, my peeps, whose hand/arm is the scariest of them all? Angelina Jolie's or Madonna's? I just can't decide! Both are totally terrifying!

However, today the question on at least one nation's lips is whether or not Angelina's extremely disturbing gnarled claws look worse than an old man's. The delightfully trashy UK Daily Mail helpfully compares Angelina's gross, ancient-looking crone hands in a vein-off with actual old person Clint Eastwood's--and no suprise here--Angelina loses!
She is more than four decades younger than him and has only one Oscar to his two.

But when it comes to bulging veins Angelina Jolie has the upper hand on Clint Eastwood.

On the set of their new film The Changeling, the actress, 32, displayed a pair of translucent, lined forearms and skeletal fingers that looked even older than the veteran film-maker's.

Check 'em out--can you tell whose arm is 32 years old and whose is 77?



Clint's is on the right!

And here's another view:



Angelina's veiny arm might make a scaaaaaary Halloween costume! Although being a pale veiny cylindrical thing might raise a few eyebrows. Or not, depending on your neighborhood....

Monday, October 29, 2007

Best In Show!



O.M.G.! The Welsh Pembroke Corgis (same breed as Dog of Felt Up Bugsy!) from The Queen have totally swept the first-annual Fido Award for thespian achievement by actor-doggies in a motion-picture! The Associated Press reports:
The four-legged stars of the Oscar-winning film "The Queen" are the winners of Britain's first-ever Fido Awards for canine cinematic excellence.

Poppy, Anna, Alice, Oliver and Megan— five corgis who appeared alongside Helen Mirren in the film about Queen Elizabeth II — were named best historical hounds during a ceremony at London's South Bank arts center Sunday. They beat dogs from the thespian drama "Moliere" and Joy Division biopic "Control."

The corgis also took the ceremony's top accolade, "best in world."

Mirren won a best-actress Academy Award for playing the British monarch in the movie, set after the 1997 death of Princess Diana. Mirren, who is filming in the United States, sent a message praising her co-stars.

"I know one should avoid acting with animals and children, but these little chaps were a pleasure to work with and deserve all the plaudits for their fine performances," she said.

Check out the unbelievable red carpet cuteness here!

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Pretty Incredibly Awesome



Friend of Felt Up Shazza C. just sent in this tip that despite the yearning of an anxious, war-weary nation for a Tommy Lee or an Axl Rose to take over the Ridiculous Rocker Bachelor duties on next season's Rock of Love, VH1 has gone with the safe choice and re-cast Bret Michaels after last season's fake relationship with Jes didn't work out.

Harrumph! I was sooooo looking forward to CC Deville's Rock of Love! CC is a total delight! Like a borscht belt comedian with Gwen Stefani's hair! Although, to be fair, I must say that I admire Bret Michaels' continued commitment to triumphing over "mediocracy." The more pressing issue: Where is the new VH1 program for Heather, The Hardest-Looking 32-Year-Old (Even In Stripper Years) On Earth?

I, Too, Have Been Described As "Exuding Papal Grandeur"



SIGH! The Best Movie of All Time, Lagerfeld Confidential, is reviewed in the New York Times today, and though I fear I will have to Netflix this sucker (as soon as I finish The Complete Works of Vincent D'Onofrio Except For Feeling Minnesota, Which I Found Intolerably Twee) because these kinds of arty, fashiony documentaries tend not to make out here to the sticks, the tantalizing tidbits dangled before us are almost too much to bear:
Even now, he cannot go to sleep without a pillow clutched to his stomach.

His mother, he says, was “the polar opposite of a typical German mother.” She “exuded frivolity” and “made slaves of everyone.” Mr. Lagerfeld displays a similar mixture of eccentricity and severity. With his white ponytail, high white collars, sunglasses, fingerless gloves (his hands are festooned with rings) and preference for black, he resembles a man of the cloth, “a defrocked one,” he says matter-of-factly.

And like a priest, he is given to making lofty pronouncements with an aphoristic ring. If the documentary had a subtitle, it might be “The Wit and Wisdom of Karl Lagerfeld.” Or more accurately, “The Wisdom and Obfuscation.”

Here are some sample quotations: “I hate people who can’t be alone”; “The best things I’ve ever done have come from dreams”; ... “There is a German saying: ‘You can’t borrow on your past.’”; “I love change; I’m attached to nothing”; “When I took on Chanel, it was a sleeping beauty — not even a beautiful one; she snored”; “Success nullifies; you have to do it again, and better.” He sneers at “bourgeois marriages,” is pro-prostitution and, as befits a man who aspires to be an apparition, virulently anti-psychoanalysis.

His most unsettling remarks concern friendship. Hanging over every close relationship, he asserts, is a sword of Damocles. And he implies that many have been permanently exiled from his court. “Forgiveness isn’t something I’m preoccupied with,” he says. “Turning the other cheek is not my trip. The curtain falls: an iron curtain.”

Oh, Karl. We have so much in common! I, too, sleep with a pillow clutched to my stomach. I, too, favor ring-festooned be-fingerless-gloved hands. I, too, mix severity and eccentricity like so much coffee and cream. I, too, have a mother with a bunch of slavish devotees. I, too, am pro-prostitution (almost embarrassingly so!). And everyone in the coveted Felt Up Inner Circle is certainly aware of the sword of Damocles hanging over their heads. Acthtung! YOU ARE ALL ONE UNFLATTERING COMMENT AWAY FROM THE IRON CURTAIN COMING DOWN!

Your humble Felt Up blogette's birthday is just around the corner (she turns 24! finally!), and this year she has but one wish: THAT Lagerfeld Confidential COME TO TOWN!

Friday, October 19, 2007

Frightening Celeb Photo of The Day

Ewww. Get a load of these gams:


(images via the UK Daily Mail)

These shriveled ancient bones belong to none other than supermodel Kate Moss! Sorry, Shakespeare, but apparently age--and massive amounts of drugs--can wither her, and custom sure as hell can stale her infinite variety!



It's a shame, really, because although she seems borderline retarded, I always did find her amazingly beautiful and comfortingly cheeky. Now she's just (yet another) creepy cadaver with bangs.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Hix In Stix Wish For Lagerfeld Pix!



The lovely lasses at Jezebel.com just posted some leaked soundbites from the new documentary Lagerfeld Confidential, and if these quotable quotes from frightening Teutonic dietmaster, Chanel head designer, and Felt Up Icon Emeritus Karl Lagerfeld are anything to go by, this is shaping up to be THE BEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME:
"The few people I know who knew me as a child say I was like a male Shirley Temple - rather unbearable and spoiled."

"I love the smell of building sites."

"I can't plan six months in advance; we might be dead by then."

"If you want social justice, be a civil servant. Fashion is ephemeral, dangerous and unfair."

My only concern is that this, perhaps the most important film ever made, might not make it out here to the sticks in Austin. IF I HAVE TO FLY TO NEW YORK TO SEE KARL LAGERFELD TALK ABOUT HIS RESEMBLANCE TO SHIRLEY TEMPLE, I WILL! Don't threaten me with a good time, Lagerfeld Confidential!

Now Britney Can't Even See Her Kids, Ya'll!

The Britney Spears trainwreck continues to chug-a-chug-chug down its shame spiral of trashiness and self-destruction today, as the judge in her custody battle just revoked her rights to visit her children. According to Yahoo's celeb "news" website OMG:
The troubled pop star may not see 2-year-old Sean Preston and 1-year-old Jayden James who are in the custody of Spears' ex-husband, Kevin Federline until she complies with a court order, Superior Court Commissioner Scott Gordon ruled.

The order, dated Wednesday, does not spell out what directives Spears defied. A hearing in the matter was scheduled for Oct. 26.

Wow. This has gotten way, way out of hand. Does she even want to see her children? Is she a runaway mom? Maybe K-Fed's ex Shar Jackson should just raise all the fruit of his prodigious loins...at least she never lost custody of the first batch.

PS
Sorry for lack of photo accompaniment, but Blogger's photo upload is on the fritz, apparently. Just imagine two little kids on the cover of Us Weekly with the word HELP above their cute, doomed heads...

Frightening Celeb Photo of The Day

Behold, if you dare, Joely Richardson's rapidly decomposing skeletal physique:


(image via the UK Daily Mail)

Dammit, Joely, you need your strength! You've got a whole season of lesbian relationship exploration with Portia Di Rossi to deal with on "Nip/Tuck"! (Which begins Oct. 30th, by the way--a reason to live, huzzah! huzzah!)

And don't forget that Portia, as Ellen Degeneres' real-life partner, is the capa di tutti capi of "The Muffia," and should not be messed about with. So you better pack on a few pounds because PORTIA IS THE ONLY POWER ANOREXIC ON THAT SET, LADY!

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Sometimes I Am Covetous



Janet Charlton has a lil' tidbit today that makes me green with envy of a tiny child:
You couldn't wish for a better godmother than Jennifer Aniston. Jen is godmother to Courtney Cox and David Arquette's three year old little girl Coco. Jen knows her best friend Courteney loves mid century modern homes and decor so she splurged on a gift for Coco. Jen completely redid Coco's room in mid-century modern with child size versions of classic Knoll furniture like Eero Saarinen's womb chair and Mies Van der Rohe's leather Barcelona chair along with a Knoll credenza. She added a rug, lamps - and everything was 2/3 the size of adult furniture.

MEMO TO COURTNEY COX, DAVID ARQUETTE, AND JENNIFER ANISTON: THERE IS A HUMBLE BLOGETTE WHO IS AVAILABLE FOR IMMEDIATE ADOPTION AND GODCHILDHOOD, HER NAME COULD BE F.U. BLOGETTE COX-ARQUETTE. SHE, TOO, IS SMALL ENOUGH TO ENJOY 2/3 SCALE VERSIONS OF MID-CENTURY MODERN FURNITURE. COCO WON'T MIND A BIT.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Your Blogette Is Back!



So I hear from my network of spies that there has been grumbling amongst the Felt Up readership about my lack of posts recently. All I can say in my defense is that I had urgent, pressing business in a hammock on a beach in Mexico all last week, and the hammock was sadly--and rather inexplicably--not wired for the interwebs, so I was unable to update the blog. If it makes you feel any better, I'm now peeling like an onion after getting terribly sunburned from falling asleep on a reclining chair in pool with a swim-up bar...

Anywho, there isn't actually all that much interesting gossip floating around today, but I can report exclusively that all three Wilson Brothers (Owen, Luke, and least-famous-but-most-handsome Andrew) were spotted eating dinner at local Austin restaurant Guero's last night. One of my Felt Up stringers called in the tip and Friend of Felt Up Angela C. and I hotfooted it down there to discreetly gawk. Andrew was sporting blond shaggy hair and a beard, Luke was also bearded, and Owen seemed quite skinny. Angela also reports that she saw Owen and his "sober companion" (if by "sober" you mean "pot doesn't count") Woody Harrelson at the Whole Foods flagship store at 5th and Lamar over the weekend. You heard it here first!

In other non-news, my beloved Star magazine has a fabulous story this week about "Stars' Secret Flaws," which is my favorite type of trashy mag feature. In it, we learn from various blabby Hollywood stylists who will never work in that town again that:

*Jennifer Aniston is "neurotic" about waxing her bikini line, to the point that she has her waxing lady take off "peach fuzz" and sometimes uses a tweezer to remove stray pubes. Now this is news we can use, people!

*Renee Zellweger suffers not only from "squinty eye syndrome" but also from unsightly rosacea all over her pinched little face.

*You may find this hard to believe, ya'll, but Britney Spears has terrible skin and resorts to extracting blackheads herself with her "cigarette-stained fingers," which only creates a "breeding ground for bacteria to further inflame her skin."

*Oprah Winfrey has a huge bunion that looks like a sixth toe.

*Katie Holmes has "hammer toes."

*Courtney Love sometimes forgets to wax her chinny-chin-chin hairs, which gives her a bad case of what doctors call "grandma chin."

*Nicole Richie and Kate Beckinsale have huge bald spots on their heads, and apparently some celebs tattoo their scalps the same color as their hair to hide bald areas.

*Finally, Jennifer Lopez wears fake eyeleashes, puts the "chicken cutlet" inserts into her bra to give her cleavage some lift, is actually pale as a ghost and has a "woman apply a dark cream to her entire body" to give her that J. Lo glow, wears Spanx underpants to smooth her lumpy bits, and her hair is barely shoulder length and she wears a lot of wigs and hair pieces. Well, who doesn't?

OK, I'm off to rub salve and ointments into my pork-rind-esque nether regions! Vaya con Dios!

Friday, October 05, 2007

And They Said It Wouldn't Last...



Sigh! Page Six is reporting what we all already knew, deep down in our soul of souls, to be true--"Rock of Love"'s "winner," the young skinny pink-tipped blonde hairstylist/barternder Jes, and her be-doo-ragged has-been rocker lovah Bret Michaels are no longer a fake couple:
REALITY TV-show relationships don't last long, especially at VH1.

In fact, "Rock of Love" star Bret Michaels never even got started with the "girlfriend" he selected last season, Jes Rickleff.

Sources tell The Post's Melissa Jane Kronfeld that Michaels was informed by the pink-haired punk rocker over the phone that she had taken up with a Chicago clothing designer upon returning home to the windy city.

VH1 has renewed "Rock of Love" for a second season, but has not announced if Michaels will be its heartthrob.

Somewhere Heather, the Hardest-Looking 32-Year-Old on the Planet Even In Stripper Years, is a) cackling maniacally, b) frantically having her "Brat" tattoo reverted back to "Bret," c) eating raw oysters, or d) all of the above at the same time, bless her heart.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Frightning Celeb Photo of the Millennium

DEAR GOD.


(image via The WOW Report))

As bad as David Gest looked back when he was "married" to Felt Up Role Model Emeritus Miss Liza Minelli, he has managed to make himself look much, MUCH worse now.

Please, someone, pluck my eyes out!

AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Jes The Facts, Ma'am



In the interest of parity, your humble Felt Up blogette put on her Nancy Drew hat and went cyper-snooping to find the MySpace profile of Jes, the "winner" of "Bret Michaels' Rock of Love." Her page is not nearly as informative or self-aggrandizing or awesome as first runner-up Heather's, natch, but you can glean a few teensy nuggets o' info...

For instance, she is now 24 years old! Woo-hoo! Also, after apparently being bombarded with fans' queries about her hairdo, she helpfully provides a step-by-step how-to in her blog (interestingly, where Heather used ALL CAPS ALL THE TIME, Jes has no use whatsoever for the capital letter):
my natural hair color is a dark blonde. obviously now i am a lot brighter. im what they call a double process. i use lightner with 30 vol. and then galze it with redken SEQ. it depends on what my hair lifts to (bc it tends to be stubborn) buti usually glaze it with 9V and 9B. Be carefull though and use crystal clear to dilute it, otherwise your hair will turn a fabulous shade of silver!! as far as the pink....make sure you put it on blonde hair to get the true tone of the color. i use a direct pigment made by Pravana. sometimes i mix together the magenta and the violet, just do the magenta or use the pink. it depends on how much depth you want in the pink. but if you like whats in the pictures....go for the straight magenta. its a direct dye so all you have to do is literally take it straight out of the tube and apply. however, when you wash your hair, make sure you use cold water because this helps to keep the rest of your head from turning pink when it runs through your hair. to keep it lasting long, i know this sounds kinda gross, but i only wash my hair 3 times a week. otherwise this color will only last you for about 3 weeks at the most if you wash your hair every day.

as far as styling goes...

my hair is naturally straight but i still flat iron it to help give my texture. i use transforming past by aquage and then i back comb my whole head. this will give your hair a base and help it to stay spikey. and if you really want your hair to stay spiked the whole night, get your hands on joico spiker blast hairspray. its literally a spray adheisive and i promise you your hair WILL NOT MOVE!!! its awesome!!

hope i answered all of your questions!!! look forward to seeing people with my hair!!!

I find it fascinating that, just as on the show, Heather's MySpace blog is balls-out and loud and crazy, while Jes puts up a wall of hairstyling tips to keep us from knowing the real her.

What else can we learn from her profile? Well, she is (at least virtual) friends with all the other contestants on the show, including Heather and craaaazy evil lying liar Lacey! (Be sure and check out Bret Michaels' hilarious MySpace page, by the way.) And her location is given as Chicago, IL, so could that mean there is trouble in over-the-hill wig-wearing rock star paradise? Perhaps! But she also lists her status as "in a relationship." Crap! Are you still rockin' Bret's world or not? Dammit, we need answers, Jes! THERE IS A WAR GOING ON, MISSY!

Thank sweet holy baby Jesus in the manger that there is a "Rock of Love" reunion show coming up on Sunday! Huzzah! A reason to live!

Monday, October 01, 2007

Another Reality Show Has Ended Its Season, And Our Lives Are That Much Emptier

Recognize this person?



No? Well, how about this one?



Would you believe it if I told you they were BOTH photos of Heather, the Hardest-Looking (Even In Stripper Years) 32-Year-Old On Earth and "Bret Michaels' Rock of Love" contestant? This is how America has come to know and love her:



**SPOILER ALERT! DO NOT CONTINUE READING IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHO WON!**

NO, REALLY!

OK! Here I go!

So, after Bret, Heather, and her nemesis Jes went on a "romantic" trip to Mexico that included dune buggy riding, a somber moment about Bret's diabetes, a nice dinner, and sex with Bret for Heather, then a yacht trip, nice dinner, somber moment about Bret's diabetes, and sex with Bret for Jes-- plus "a final test" question for both of them back in the studio (would they be willing to share him in a three-way relationship?)--Heather lost to Jes, the 23-year-old with the pink-tipped blonde hair and the protruding clavicle. (Although I use "won" veeeerrry loosely. After all, Jes has to date Bret Michaels now!) Heather was none too pleased with the results and stormed off the set in a huff and called Bret "America's Biggest A**hole." I bet she's already changed that "Bret" tattoo to "Brat" or something similar.

Anywho, the ladies over at Jezebel have thoughtfully provided a link to Heather's MySpace page/paen to herself, which is a pretty increidbly awesome DELIGHT (and launches the Nikelback song "Rock Star" when you load it--how perfect is that? Ha ha ha!).

Here is a verbatim excerpt from her (for some reason all-caps) blog entry about last night's season finale. The lady is pissed about the way the show was edited (which made her look insensitive to Bret's Somber Diabetes Moment and also totally willing to "share" Bret with Jes in a polygamous relationship):
I HAVE CRIED MANY NIGHTS OVER HOW SOME EPISODE PROTRAY ME. I AM SO HEARTBROKEN AND APPALLED THAT I LOOK SO INSENSITIVE IN THE FINALE. I LOVED BRET VERY MUCH AND HE WILL HAVE A SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART FOREVER. IT JUST BREAKS MY HEART THAT THE EDITING MAKES ME LOOK SO INSENSITVE.ON OUR DATE IN CABO WHEN HE SAID HE WASNT FEELING WELL WE STOPPED AND I WENT AND GOT HIM SOME WATER..IT WAS HIM WHO WANTED TO KEEP RIDING TO GET ALL DIFFERENT CAMERA ANGLES. I WAS FULL OF SAND AND WOULD HAVE LOVED TO JUST CHILL ON THE BEACH IN THE FIRST PLACE.

I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS THE MOST REAL, DID EVERYTHING I COULD FOR HIM---U GUYS DID NOT SEE WHEN I WOULD MAKE HIM BREAKFAST IN BED OR WHEN I BOUGHT HIM BALLONS AND ROSES ON HIS BDAY.. I WENT SHOPPING FOR HIM AND HIS KIDS IN CABO AND ACTUALLY SPENT OVER 1000 THROUGHOUT THAT MONTH., BECAUSE I LOVE TO GIVE AND ESPECIALLY TO PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT.

NO, I WASNT THE SKINNIEST ONE OR THE PRETTIEST ONE, BUT I WAS HONEST AND GAVE HIM MY HEART. BRET SEES BEAUTIFUL WOMEN EVERYDAY OF HIS LIFE---REMEMBER TAMARA--BUT, ITS CHEMISTRY AND AN AMAZING BOND THAT IS HARD TO FIND.... WE BOTH FOUND IT AND ITS A SHAME ALL OF AMERICA HAS TO THINK THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST---I ABSOLUTELY, 100% DID NOT SAY I WOULD SHARE HIM.WE BOTH SAID NO..THAT WAS EDITED AND I AM SOOOO APPALLED BY THAT--AS IF THE STIPPER THING WASNT ENOUGH, (WHICH I QUIT DOING MONTHS AGO)--OR PRETTY MUCH NEVER SHOWING ONE BAD THING ABOUT JESS, I GOT RAN THROUGH THE COALS AND HEARTBROKEN ONCE AGAIN.

We feel your pain, Heather! Haven't we all been "edited" by life to look like oyster-loving strippers with "F**k me hair" and Bret Michals neck tattoos who are too busy driving dune buggies to contend with a diabetic coma and are more than willing to share the love of our life with another woman in a non-monagamous three-way, really? In the larger sense? I think so.

(By the way, I thought the whole diabetic thing was lame. They barely mentioned it all season and were clearly using his condition as yet another "test" of these girls' character, and when he was in the dune buggy with Heather he just said he was hungry and not feeling well, not that he was about to die of a diabetic stroke. I'm with Heather on this one!)

Next up: pleaseohplease let them give Heather her own "Rock of Love" spin-off show! "Rock Charm School" or "I Love Heather" will do nicely, thanks!

Britney Loses Her Mind, Kids



Well, this is just plain depressing. US Weekly is reporting that Britney Spears has lost custody of her children, at least temporarily:
A judge has decided that Kevin Federline will get custody of sons Sean Preston, 2, and Jaden James, 1, starting this Wednesday. At a hearing in the Federline v. Spears custody case in Los Angeles Monday, the court ordered that Federline take care of the children he shares with ex-wife Britney Spears until further order of the court.

Despite losing custody of her sons for the time being, the court specified that Spears must still adhere to the orders from a September 28th hearing, in which she was labeled a "habitual" user of controlled substances. Those orders include: attending counseling, meeting with a parenting coach and submitting to twice-weekly random drug tests.

OK, call me crazy, but I am a teensy bit surprised that this has happened. HEAR ME OUT, PEOPLE! STOP LAUGHING!

For reals, ya'll! The state is usually quite loathe to remove children from their mother's home, even in pretty extreme abuse cases, simply because most experts believe that children should be with their mom, period. I'm not saying that is always the right way to go, but I find it hard to believe that Britney's tooth-whitening, nude cavorting, and drunken/druggy trashy sad behavior is severe enough that they had to remove the kids from her care...unless, of course, there is a LOT o' crap going on in that house that our prying eyes are not privy to....Or is this a witch hunt of some kind? WHAT IS GOING ON?

Developing, obvs!