Tuesday, September 11, 2007

There Is At Least One Person On Earth Susceptible To Mystery's Begoggled And Befurryhatted "Charms"

Most Felt Up readers probably read Gawker.com on a regular basis, but just in case you don't or you somehow missed it, I had to pass on this excerpt from an empassioned post by a Gawker "Stalkette" who bravely, if not particularly proudly, proclaims her mad, deep, soul-stirring love for....Mystery of "The Pick-Up Artist":
I AM IN LOVE WITH MYSTERY and I don't care who knows it.

As a strong, independent Beyonce-type, I initially scoffed at the idea that a man who wears Abraham Lincoln hats with swimming goggles could pick me or anyone else up with card tricks and canned lines. But putting aside his warlock medallions and FFleetwood Maccapes, it's no mystery why Mystery is 100% objectively sexy. He's tall (6'5"), he's suce$$ful, his guyliner is expertly applied, and he's not some Murray Hill cheeserag talking about his Bank of America Securities job or corny Hamptons share. Plus, all of his sneaky methods work on me. That someone could trick me into liking him while insulting me—appealing! But that someone could trick me into liking him while insulting me AND using ridiculous lines and magic gimmicks? He had me at "kino."

While investigating Mystery's Wikipedia entry, I discovered that he and I also have a number of things in common besides extreme good looks. Mental problems? Check. Former nerd who has risen like a Phoenix from the ashes? Again, check. Also, meeting the family won't be a problem because they probably already know each other from the time when his grandparents stole my grandparents' art and then enslaved them in concentration camps. Plus, he's a Libra and I'm a Taurus. Zing.

Furthermore, my intense crush on Mystery plays off of several key elements of any healthy relationship. There's the thrill of the chase aspect—after Mystery meets me, I will surely tame this wild warlock and get him to stop seducing women everywhere. Then there's the wounded bird aspect—obviously anyone who makes it his mission to sleep with women everywhere and then teaches seminars on it is seriously disturbed, and I will easily fix this.

Finally, if Mystery and I go steady, I wouldn't have to spend precious time wondering whether he's playing games with me because I could rest easy knowing that he obviously is. And everybody knows you can't put a price tag on peace of mind!

So haters, drink your haterate. I will have the last laugh when he opens a set with me, negs me senseless and kino escalates. Mystery, call me. I've been working out and shit is looking pretty good.

WHOA! Lady, you've got a great many problems, and you should probably seek out counseling and/or electro-shock therapy, but I have to admit that a) you have a way with words, and b) you've got huge balls for being able to admit this on the interwebs! Kudos! Huzzah! And get thee to a nunnery, stat!

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