Friday, September 28, 2007

Anna Wintour's New Lips!

Vogue editrix-n-chief Anna Wintour set tongues a' waggin' at Milan's Fashion Week with her fat-n-juicy new lips. Check out the before-and-after:


(image via New York Magazine)

Call me crazy, but they make her look a bit like a cross between Daphne from "Frasier" and Miss Victoria Principal!

Fabulous Celeb Photos of the Day

These are not only fabulous, they're also adorable! The UK Daily Mail has an article today saying that Dame Elizabeth Taylor may be planning on wedding numero nueve with her beau, a businessman named Jason Winters. Look how cute they are together:





The Daily Mail reports:
Eight-times married Hollywood icon Elizabeth Taylor could be heading for yet another trip down the aisle as she declared her love for a wealthy businessman she met last year in Hawaii.

The veteran actress, 75, has ended months of speculation about her relationship with African-American businessman Jason Winters, who she described as "one of the most wonderful men I've ever known".

Winters, who met Taylor while promoting her jewellery line, accompanied the actress to the Macy's Passport 2007 AIDS event in Los Angeles last night.

She told showbiz bible Variety: "Jason Winters is one of the most wonderful men I've ever known and that's why I love him.

"He bought us the most beautiful house in Hawaii and we visit it as often as possible."

God, j'adore La Liz! Love and romance certainly become her. She's all aglow! Liz and Felt Up Icon Emeritus Joan Collins just get better every year, like fine wine. Expensive, delicious scarlet-red wine in a diamond-encrusted bottle...how I envy them!

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

If I Ever Murder Someone, Please Let Me Be A Celeb In L.A.



Dude, seriously, WTF? As long as you're famous, you can literally get away with murder any day of the week in Los Angeles.

Phil, O.J., and Robert Blake should do a reality show called, oh I don't know, "Killas In Da House!" or something. Every week, a middle-aged blonde lady would move in and they could compete to see who can kill her the fastest...

Frightening Madonna Vein Photo of the Day


(image via The Daily Mail)

Friday, September 21, 2007

My Reality Show Worlds Collide!



O.
M.
G.!

Kat Von D. from "L.A. Ink" (and formerly of "Miami Ink") on TLC is madly in love with Orbi, the Greg Allman-esque son of Roy Orbison who plays drums for Cisco Adler's's band Whitestarr and co-stars in "The Rock Life" on VH1!

Check out Kat Von D.'s Myspace blog for all the juicy details, including their 32-hour first meeting/kissathon in her tattoo parlor office!

I haven't been this excited since Coolidge and Salami from "The White Shadow" popped up together on "St. Elswehere"! And yes, I realize how much this reference both dates me and makes me sound like a television-addicted lunatic nutty nutball!

Huzzah! Viva Katorbii!

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Frightening Celeb Photo of The Day

Eeek! Somehow Marcia Clark, the reaaally bad O.J. Simpson prosecutor from his murder trial, has morphed into Posh Spice's cougar-ish elderly aunt:


(image via TMZ.com)

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! You better have an insanity plea ready for the charge of assault and battery of your own face!

Yee-Ha!

I don't want to spoil anyone who hasn't seen it yet, but did anyone else think that Mystery's ridonkulous Amish hillbilly disguise on the last episode of "The Pick-Up Artist" was the most hilarious thing ever created by Man? Alas, I can't find a photo of said outfit on the interwebs--YET!--but trust me, it was a total delight. Here's the next best thing:

Fabulous Celeb Photo of the Day

Well, here's something totally new and different for Felt Up--something I LIKE!

Behold a photo of Felt Up Role Model Emeritus Miss Joan Collins, who looked awesome at the memorial service for British fashion icon Isabella Blow in London recently:


(image via hello magazine)

I hope I look this good when I'm 105 or whatever she is. Kudos, Joanie! Kudos!

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Rock On!

Maybe there's hope for us, after all: "30 Rock" won the Emmy award for Best Comedy Series!



And scary, evil, deluded lying liar Lacey was voted off "Bret Michaels' Rock of Love"!



Swing low, sweet chariot....comin' for to carry me home!

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Mysterious Ways



Jezebel.com has an awesome interview with Mystery of "The Pick-Up Artist" today; read it here, but this all you really need to know about the man:
One of the things I find myself enjoying is licking a girl's ass. I feel like I'm owned by her, and simultaneously owning her in a weird way, and it's a weird symbolism when you watch two girls do it and nothing gets me harder. I can be an intellectual, but I'm bound by the human condition. It also appears that millions and millions of human beings feel the same way. Just type in "ass licking" on Google and see what you'll find.

No wonder women are seduced by this guy!

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

There Is At Least One Person On Earth Susceptible To Mystery's Begoggled And Befurryhatted "Charms"



Most Felt Up readers probably read Gawker.com on a regular basis, but just in case you don't or you somehow missed it, I had to pass on this excerpt from an empassioned post by a Gawker "Stalkette" who bravely, if not particularly proudly, proclaims her mad, deep, soul-stirring love for....Mystery of "The Pick-Up Artist":
I AM IN LOVE WITH MYSTERY and I don't care who knows it.

As a strong, independent Beyonce-type, I initially scoffed at the idea that a man who wears Abraham Lincoln hats with swimming goggles could pick me or anyone else up with card tricks and canned lines. But putting aside his warlock medallions and FFleetwood Maccapes, it's no mystery why Mystery is 100% objectively sexy. He's tall (6'5"), he's suce$$ful, his guyliner is expertly applied, and he's not some Murray Hill cheeserag talking about his Bank of America Securities job or corny Hamptons share. Plus, all of his sneaky methods work on me. That someone could trick me into liking him while insulting me—appealing! But that someone could trick me into liking him while insulting me AND using ridiculous lines and magic gimmicks? He had me at "kino."

While investigating Mystery's Wikipedia entry, I discovered that he and I also have a number of things in common besides extreme good looks. Mental problems? Check. Former nerd who has risen like a Phoenix from the ashes? Again, check. Also, meeting the family won't be a problem because they probably already know each other from the time when his grandparents stole my grandparents' art and then enslaved them in concentration camps. Plus, he's a Libra and I'm a Taurus. Zing.

Furthermore, my intense crush on Mystery plays off of several key elements of any healthy relationship. There's the thrill of the chase aspect—after Mystery meets me, I will surely tame this wild warlock and get him to stop seducing women everywhere. Then there's the wounded bird aspect—obviously anyone who makes it his mission to sleep with women everywhere and then teaches seminars on it is seriously disturbed, and I will easily fix this.

Finally, if Mystery and I go steady, I wouldn't have to spend precious time wondering whether he's playing games with me because I could rest easy knowing that he obviously is. And everybody knows you can't put a price tag on peace of mind!

So haters, drink your haterate. I will have the last laugh when he opens a set with me, negs me senseless and kino escalates. Mystery, call me. I've been working out and shit is looking pretty good.

WHOA! Lady, you've got a great many problems, and you should probably seek out counseling and/or electro-shock therapy, but I have to admit that a) you have a way with words, and b) you've got huge balls for being able to admit this on the interwebs! Kudos! Huzzah! And get thee to a nunnery, stat!

Monday, September 10, 2007

If Only Britney Had Been This Entertaining



Ha ha ha! Apparently the only exciting thing at last night's duuulll MTV Video Music Awards happened in the audience, as Pamela Anderson's exes Kid Rock and Tommy Lee got into a big hissy-fit catfight. According to People.com:

As MTV veejay Sway reported during the post-show telecast: "Tommy Lee was sitting by Diddy. [Kid Rock] just walked up and decked him!" It was unclear how the fight started, and there was no immediate word on whether police got involved.

According to an onlooker in the audience, "They had each other at the necks, they were practically strangling each other." Another eyewitness saw Tommy Lee escorted out, "screaming the f-word over and over again." He was taken out into main casino in front of thousands of fans.

The awesome thing is that the MTV cameras were able to catch part of the fight, and you can watch it here.

Hilarious! Bravo, Kid Rock and Tommy Lee, for livening up the world's biggest snoozefest! Bravo!

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Gunn's A'Blazin'!


(image via houseandgarden.com)


Oh, my God, did anyone watch the "sneak preview" of the new Bravo show "Tim Gunn's Guide To Style" last night? IT IS GOING TO BE THE BEST SHOW EVER!

First of all, it has Tim Gunn. Right there, that puts it at the the head of the reality show pack. Then there's the whole concept, which is totally "What Not To Wear"-meets-"Queen For A Day," because Tim and his oddly-coiffed supermodel sidekick Veronica Webb go into a woman's life and tell her what's wrong with what she's wearing, but besides getting the usual shopping spree and hair/makeup makeover, the woman also gets all kinds of fabulous GIFTS, like a custom-made Bill Blass dress and a giant designer handbag and a Tahitian black pearl necklace. As Bret Michaels would say, it's pretty incredibly awesome. The only problem I can see is that I may explode in a jealous rage at these women who not only get to hang out with Tim Gunn for a week but also receive expensive gifts from him! Seriously, my covetousness knows no bounds...

The other thing that makes the show so great--especially in comparison with "What Not To Wear"--is that Tim is so sweet and unpushy. They don't actually throw away the woman's bad clothing, it just gets taken to Tim's office (which contains a giant and unexpected zebra skin rug!). Tim tells her that she doesn't have to do this makeover, it's her choice. On the episode last night, they made a big deal of making the woman throw away a Betsy Johnson dress that she wore when she was 21 and was symbolically holding her back in her family's stated quest for her to please, for the love of god, achieve a more age-appropriate and less-skanky look---then at the end Tim presents it back to her in a "memory box." (And let me tell you, Stacy London would rather stick a fork in her eye than do that on the American "What Not To Wear." She takes great pleasure in bullying and bossing and shoving, although I must say that most people who go on these shows are so annoying that I don't blame her. If there's one thing that will make me outraged it is the mamby-pamby makeover show participant who sobs when her tacky hair gets a much-needed trim or she can't give up a loathesome pair of shoes, especially since these people are getting a whole new wardrobe, professional fashion consultations, a free haircut, a make-up lesson, and every single person they know at home says they looked like total embarrassing crap before the makeover. GROW A SPINE, LADIES, AND STOP YOUR WHINGING! But I digress.) He seems to really care about the woman's inner struggle with making a big change. And he's not afraid to say that a person's velour low-rise sweatpant with "Juicyland" on the ass is vulgar. "Vulgar" is one of his favorite pronouncements. Oh, every single thing he says is a total delight! TIM GUNN IS AMERICA'S SWEETHEART!

The real premiere is TONIGHT on Bravo! To miss it would be vulgar...

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Frightening Celeb Photo of The Day




(images via the wow report)

Between Madonna's claws and Britney's exposed nether regions, I could pretty much just go back and forth with their scary photos forever. And who will stop me, eh?

MWAH HA HA!

Live And Let Live Puke


(image via ipcmedia)

Apparently big-time and not-so-big-time celebs are runnin' around, canoodlin' and makin' out and doin' it with each other all over the place. First up, the NY Daily News has this report of a match made in the very bowels of hell:
Paul McCartney and Renee Zellweger grow closer still. Having had dinner last week at Sag Harbor's American Hotel, the former Beatle and the Oscar winner looked "very cozy" at the party Jon Bon Jovi threw in East Hampton Saturday, a spy tells us. "They chatted through much of the evening and shared one of the outdoor day beds where people lounged on the lawn after dinner."

Ewwww! And if you think that's frightening, get a load of this nightmare scenario:
Zellweger was also front and center when McCartney took the stage for an impromptu set with Bon Jovi, Billy Joel, Jimmy Buffet and Roger Waters. But although Paul did ask the musical question, "Do you want to dance with me?" we're told he and Renee left separately.

EGADS! Did they do a "Margaritaville/Uptown Girl/You Give Love a Bad Name/Ebony and Ivory/Another Brick in the Wall" medley? Did my head almost explode trying to contemplate this insane tableau played out before La Zellweger's squinty eyes? I WANT ANSWERS!


Justin Long

The Daily News also relays the news that cute famous rich movie stars want to make out with the "I'm A Mac" dude:
Drew Barrymore lip-locked with "Live Free or Die Hard" actor Justin Long Sunday night at Vegas' Jet Nightclub at the Mirage, with best buddy Cameron Diaz in tow. The trio sat in VIP, where Drew and Justin "got cozy and made out in a corner table," says our spy.

All of this begs the question: IF THE BEST DREW BARRYMORE CAN DO IS ZACH BRAFF, TOM GREEN, AND JUSTIN LONG, THEN WHAT HOPE IS THERE FOR ME?

And, finally, the good people at the NY Post's Page Six posted this delightful report about everyone's favorite developmentally-disabled cheesey former rock star who isn't Bret Michaels:
TATTOOED rocker Tommy Lee will hook up just about anywhere and with anyone. Lee's raunchy bar behavior grossed out a room full of revelers at Dune in the Hamptons on Sunday night when the Motley Crue drummer and a blond party girl "were flat-out [bleep]ing" on a banquette, according to multiple witnesses. One told us, "When Tommy walked in, he asked, 'Is it cool to have sex in here?' The hostess thought he was kidding, but . . . then he just went to town with this girl. We were trying not to pay attention because it was so disgusting." A rep for Lee told us, "this story is not true."

Oh, rep for Lee, you are such a damn liar! THIS STORY IS SO TRUE! The "is it cool to have sex in here?" line gives it the air of veracity that you, rep for Lee, cannot destroy with your phony denials! And besides, why must you try to deny us, a suffering nation, our minor pleasures and joys? THERE IS A WAR GOING ON, REP FOR LEE!


(tommy lee figurine available for purchase at star store)

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

She Blinded Me With The...

FELT UP BLIND ITEM GUESSING GAME!

Here are some pretty juicy "blind items" from Page Six, which is "Just Asking":
WHICH Hollywood trio of friends is in trouble? One is on crack, one's on smack, and the other cheats so much on his wife that he single-handedly is supporting several hookers . . . WHICH singer keeps her slender frame so thin the old-fashioned way? Seems a "major eating disorder" helps keep her midriff worth baring.

OK. Your humble Felt Up blogette hopes that the "Hollywood trio of friends" does not refer to the actor whose name rhymes with Pen Killer (cheating on wife with hookers?), Bowen Schmilson (smack?), and Creve Stewgan (crack?), but she has run out of ideas. Heard any rumors that make more sense, readers?

As to the second item, I'm going to go with the singer whose name sounds a bit like Wren Blehblahni. She shows her midruff a lot and is all fashion-y and married to a gay man and whatnot, which is like a textbook recipe for an eating disorder. But if you have any other thoughts on this important matter, then by all means, leave 'em in the comment box!