Thursday, August 30, 2007

Big John From "Rock Of Love" Just Broke My Heart!



Some total and complete genius at Nerve.com put up a "sex advice from the 'Rock of Love' girls" article, which I found via Jezebel.com, and in it you can learn that the favorite cocktail of Heather, the Hardest-Looking 32-Year-Old On Earth (Even In Stripper Years), is "vodka and vodka," that Certifiably Insane Lacey advises ladies aimin' to snag a dude to wear Destiny perfume, push-up bras, and buy condoms from gas stations, that "Meth Face" Brandi C. has the world's worst taste in music, and that dear, sweet, craaaazy fan fave Rodeo has had sex on top of a billboard and is still working on creating both a line of workout clothing and all-natural sausages!



However, the saddest part of the whole article was this bit from Big John, who acts as Bret Michaels' bodyguard/roadie on the show. When asked which girl was his favorite, he replied:
I really don't have one favorite. The hardest part for me was that these girls, one by one, get eliminated, and they're hugging Bret, but I see these girls — I don't mean to sound weird — but I interact with them more than Bret does. These girls hug Bret and say good-bye to Bret, but it kind of hurt that none of them said, "Bye John!" Watching Flavor of Love, a lot of the girls say, "Goodbye, Big Rick."

Poor Big John! Girls, spread the love! God knows you've spread it everywhere else!

Frightening Celeb Photo of The Day

From the UK's Daily Mail comes this photo of Nip/Tuck's Joely Richardson and her yucky shoulders/scary clavicle:



It's rather aging to be this thin, Joely! If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: WHY NOT TRY EATING A HEARTY STEW EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE? Or, since you're British, a nice meat pie? Fish-n-chips, guv'nor? Even a wee crumpet would do you some good. Mmm...crumpets.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Sad and Pathetic Celeb Photo of the Day

Britney Spears ain't gonna let no child-endangerment investigation keep her from struttin' her stuff, so just never you mind! She's a sexy young hottie on the prowl, ya'll!



(via the UK's Daily Mail)

Grrrrr!

Amy Winehouse's Goddamn Nogoodnik Cad Rent Boy Husband Is Ruining Her Life AND MINE!


(Consider this seriously-in-need-of-a-wax-and/or-antibiotics crotch shot as your Frightening Celeb Photo of The Day, btw! And it's via jezebel.com)


US Weekly is reporting that Amy Winehouse has cancelled her scheduled appearance at the MTV Video Music Awards:
After canceling her North American tour, a representative for Amy Winehouse tells Usmagazine.com that she will not be performing at the MTV Video Music Awards on Sept. 9.

Universal Republic Records tells Us, "In a continued effort to support Amy Winehouse's well being, in addition to the postponement of her U.S. tour, all other U.S. appearances have been canceled."

Winehouse has been on a downward spiral that began with a collapse on Aug. 8. Since then, she has canceled her remaining tour dates for the year and had a well-publicized domestic disagreement with husband Blake Fielder-Civil. She and Fielder-Civil are currently vacationing in the Caribbean.

ARGH! According to my Entertainment Weekly, she was rumored to be planning a duet with Cee-Lo from Gnarls Barkley on the classic Marvin Gaye/Tammi Terrell Motown hit "Ain't No Mountain High Enough."

Sigh! Apparently there may not be a mountain but there is a husband high enough to keep her away from me!

Steve Coogan: Killer of Stallions?



Well, the Owen Wilson suicide attempt has taken a bizarre turn, as nutty nutball Courtney Love has been flapping her gums to the press that British comedian Steve Coogan (who starred in 24 Hour Party People) is to blame for Wilson's drug problems. From The NY Post:
Funnyman actor Owen Wilson was hooked on heroin and cocaine, struggling with depression and hanging out with the wrong crowd in the months before his attempted suicide, according to a bombshell new report.

Wilson's drug use was so frequent, it was even the cause of his Memorial Day breakup with Kate Hudson.

And his friends are placing the blame squarely on Wilson's newfound best buddy, British actor Steve Coogan, with whom he starred in several films, according to exclusive interviews in US Weekly magazine.

"I went through it with Steve," Coogan's former girlfriend, rocker Courtney Love, told US.

"I was just out of rehab, and he was right there with the drugs. I tried to warn Owen. I tried to warn his friends. I hope from the bottom of my heart that Owen stays the hell away from that guy."

Wilson's addiction was so severe, his pal Woody Harrelson tried to stage an intervention at his home in Maui.

"Owen went to Maui, Hawaii, to kick his habit," a longtime Wilson pal told the mag. "He was like a baby on that couch."

The friend said that heroin was the first thing that came to mind when Wilson and Hudson split and he suddenly "disappeared off the face of the earth."

"I thought, briefly, he might be back on heroin, but we all really felt he'd kicked that ages ago," his friend said.

Loyal Felt Up readers may remember that way back in 2005, Miss Courtney Love announced to the world that she was pregnant with Steve Coogan's lovechild, and nothing much every came of that story, plus she's a whack job, so I must say that I take her claims with a grain of salt.

Unless she is some kind of tragic Boy Who Cried Wolf-esque heroine whose warnings to the world about the manifold dangers of Steve Coogan have fallen on deaf ears...oh, I don't know what to think anymore! Nothing makes sense! White is black! Up is down! Steve Coogan is the Anti-Christ! Courtney Love is a Cassandra! The Butterscotch Stallion is a depressed suicidal junkie!



Steve Coogan: THE MOST DANGEROUS MAN IN AMERICA?

Somebody somewhere needs to figure out what is going on. And I hope that someone is Owen's hunky older brother Andrew Wilson, and that he realizes just how much he needs some close, personal, one-on-one help from a certain blogette in Texas who knows how to soothe a fevered brow...I'M HERE FOR YOU, WILSON BROTHERS! RIGHT HERE IN AUSTIN, THE PERFECT RETREAT FROM THE CRAZINESS OF HOLLYWOOD! STEVE COOGAN AND COURTNEY LOVE WILL NEVER FIND YOU HERE, IN MY BOUDOIR! NEVER!

Monday, August 27, 2007

Frightening Celeb Photo of The Day

Ack! Here's a recent picture of squinty ole Renee Zellweger, and it's making me feel all icky inside:


(via jezebel.com, click to see larger version!)

Renee! STEP AWAY FROM THE SELF-TANNER AND MAYBE TRY EATING A HEARTY STEW EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE!

Butterscotch Stallion Attempts To End His Wild Ride



The National Enquirer and ABC News are reporting that Owen Wilson was hospitalized after trying to kill himself by slitting his writsts and taking a bunch of pills. From Star Magazine:
Actor Owen Wilson was hospitalized after attempting suicide, sources tell the NATIONAL ENQUIRER and Star magazine exclusively.

Wilson was transported to St. John’s hospital in Santa Monica , Calif. on Sunday, August 26, by ambulance. Sources tell the ENQUIRER and Star that he sliced his left wrists and took an indeterminate amount of pills.

He was discovered by a family member who summoned help.

Police and an ambulance responded to a 911 call from Owen’s house around noon on Sunday.

His wrist was sutured and bandaged at the hospital.

The ENQUIRER and Star broke the story of Owen’s hospitalization earlier Sunday and revealed that he was being transferred from St. John’s after being stabilized. The publications learned that he was going to be detoxed.

Owen was brought in to St. John’s in very serious condition. Police were on the scene immediately as was a criminal defense attorney, believed to be working for Wilson. Some of Owen’s family was with him.

Wilson was stabilized at St. John’s

I know I'm terrible, but did anyone else immediately envision the scene from "The Royal Tennenbaums" in which his brother Luke Wilson's character Richie Tennenbaum tries to kill himself as "Needle In The Hay" by Elliot Smith played in the background? Well, here it is if you need reminding or never saw it:



Kind of eery, huh?

Get better Stallion! Skinny ole Kate Hudson is sooooooo not worth it!

Friday, August 24, 2007

Cruisin' For A Bruisin'



Oh, Lordy. After Amy Winehouse and her dodgy nogoodnik cad rent boy husband were in a huge bloody brawl in a hotel lobby, Amy decided to "set the record straight" by compulsively text messaging Perez Hilton, of all people. From The UK's Daily Mail:
Singer Amy Winehouse has defended her husband in a series of texts after the couple were involved in a violent row which left them both bloodied and bruised.

Amy denied Blake was the cause of the argument, 24 hours earlier after which the 23-year-old singer, who has spent most of the summer in and out of rehab for crack and heroin addiction, was seen with bandages covering her arm, blood-spattered shoes and a gashed knee.

And in a series of texts between the Rehab singer and celebrity blogger Perez Hilton, she defended her husband who she claimed "saved my life".

Amy told Perez: "Blake is the best man in the world. We would never ever harm each other... I was cutting myself after he found me in our room about to do drugs with a call girl and rightly said I wasn't good enough for him. I lost it and he saved my life."

Hmmm....poor Amy. We'll just have to see how everything plays out, but this lot are starting to make Pete Doherty and Kate Moss look like Prince Charming and Cinderella. Does the UK have a show like our totally addictive (as it were) series "Intervention"? And if so, what would I give to see the Amy Winehouse episode of said show? A lot, my friends. Perhaps even MY VERY SOUL.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Rubber Soul



There's a pretty great article about the new IFC episodes of mad genius R. Kelly's magnum opus "Trapped In The Closet" in the New York Times, and it even contains some exciting news for us hicks in sticks in A-Town:
“ ‘Trapped in the Closet’ has that ‘oh my’ factor, so that you’re actually laughing at, laughing with, and actually shocked by it,” said Henri Mazza, a creative director at the Original Alamo Draft House, a movie theater in Austin, Tex., which is planning a midnight DVD screening, complete with subtitled sing-alongs and prop giveaways, like a condom printed with the words “oh my God, a rubber! (Rubber! Rubber! Rubber!)” — see Episode 4. “There’s no way you can’t enjoy it.”

Also THERE'S NO WAY I'M NOT GETTING ONE OF THOSE CONDOMS! AAAAAAAAAH!

Not A Girl, Not Yet A Mindfreak



EWWWWWWW! From Us Weekly:
Another night, another hookup for Britney Spears! Her latest conquest? Notorious womanizer Criss Angel, 39.

Cameron Diaz’s former fling was seen escorting the pop star inside the Tower Beverly Hills Hotel on Wednesday night, where the two held hands and headed up to a suite on the 11th floor.

Dear god. The public-peeing-and-stealing-clothes-and-using-couture-to-scoop-dog-poo photo shoot meltdowns, half-naked hot tub parties, near constant underpants and ladyparts flashing, baby teeth whitening, head shaving, beating cars with umbrellas--ALL of it I could take in stride. But doing it with this douche? TAKE HER KIDS AWAY NOW!

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Onward To Sex Location!

Your humble Felt Up blogette is feeling under the weather today and can't give the proper in-depth examination of VH1's "The Pick Up Artist" that the show so richly deserves, but to whet your appetite here is "Master Pick Up Artist" Mystery when he appeared on Conan O'Brien:



O, Lord, if only Tina Fey had been able to interact more with Mystery! I can think of nothing bettter! Although I do love Conan's reactions. When you make fun of Mystery's goggles you give voice to the thoughts of a nation, Conan O'Brien!

"Bone up," as it were, on the ins-and-outs (so to speak) of "The Seduction Community" and on the man, the myth, the Mystery--it will make you a better-informed cringer when you watch the show through your fingers--and you will be watching the show, don't try to deny it!

Friday, August 10, 2007

Amy Winehouse In House With Wine After All?

The UK's New Musical Express is reporting that Amy Winehouse has not actually entered rehab, but has instead esconced herself in a London hotel to dry out:
Amy Winehouse is recovering from her suspected overdose in a hotel in London, and has not entered rehab, as had been previously reported in the UK press.

Reports have suggested that Winehouse suffered from a drug overdose at 1am on Wednesday (August 8), and was treated with an adrenaline shot before her stomach was pumped.

Despite newspaper reports that the singer had entered The Priory rehab clinic, the latest information is that she has locked herself in a London hotel room to recover.

Well, that sounds about right: Party hardy, overdose, collapse, get stomach pumped, have adrenaline shot, check into hotel, order room service. What could possibly go wrong?

Amy Winehouse In House Without Wine



As predicted, Amy Winehouse has been admitted to London's The Priory for a drug rehab program. Acccording to the UK Sun, her overdose was the result of a three-day binge she embarked upon immediately after arriving in London after performing at Lollapalooza in Chicago earlier in the week. Besides vast quantities of vodka-n-lemonades and whiskey downed at old-man pubs near the airport, she allegedly took a crapload of ecstasy, cocaine, and Ketamine until she eventually went into a k-hole, had some kind of a fit, and had to be carried off to the emergency room by her dodgy nogoodnik cad rent boy husband and a female friend.

Glamorous!

Also, as predicted, the "Rehab" puns are flying fast-n-furious on the interwebs...

Thursday, August 09, 2007

A Baby, An STD, A Playboy Rape, Some Drugs and Thou



Here are a few gossip leftovers that should fill up the mini-fridge of your soul, at least until tomorrow:

First up, serial homewrecker and Victorian-themed underpants designer Helena Bonham-Carter is pregnant--at age 41--with non-husband Tim Burton's second child. I guess those Pantaloonies really did the trick, eh?

Next, word is spreading as fast as genital warts that Jessica Alba contracted herpes from her ex, baseball star Derek Jeter --which means that Mariah Carey, Vanessa Minnillo and Jessica Biel could also all have been infected by the J-Man as well. Which also means that Justin Timberlake and Nick Lachey could be herpen' for certain now, too!



Then we have word that an alleged sexual assault was reported at the Playboy Mansion during the big Midsummer Night's Party this week. PLEASE, GOD, DON'T LET IT BE KENDRA !

And finally, classy exes Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown had a classy dinner together at a Joe's Crab Shack recently, and looked as high as classy kites:



Bon appetit!

Back To Black Out



From the "Least Surprising Event Ever" File comes this report that yesterday's Amy Winehouse collapse from "exhaustion" was actually a drug overdose. From the UK Sun (and I'll preemptively point out that the confusingly British-y reference to "A&E" does not mean the "Arts & Entertainment" section of the hospital, but to the emergency room):
LIMP Amy Winehouse was dragged through an A&E unit’s double doors before collapsing from a huge drug overdose yesterday.
The semi-conscious singer was hauled in by husband Blake Fielder-Civil and a girl pal.

When she reached the reception desk, her legs buckled and she fell to the floor with a shriek.

The party-loving star’s trademark beehive hair hung lank around her shoulders as staff at London’s University College Hospital rushed her for emergency treatment.

Tattooed Amy, whose stick-thin frame and sallow complexion has worried friends and fans alike, was given an adrenaline shot in the early hours drama. And she had her stomach pumped.

Last night her record company Island claimed she was admitted suffering from “severe exhaustion”.

But The Sun can reveal an overdose was the cause of the collapse.

No one seems to know exactly what drug she was on, although the article mentions that marijuana, cocaine, booze, and crack have been faves of La Winehouse for some time.

The worst thing about this situation? All the articles that will make puns on Amy being forced to say "yes, yes, yes" to rehab. Or a million variations thereof. Personally I think most of her problems would be solved if she would just dump that dodgy nogoodnik cad rent boy husband of hers...

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Rodeo, We Hardly Knew Ye



Run over to VH1 and read this awesome interview with Rodeo from "Rock of Love." The cowbay-hatted, highly be-muscled fan favorite who was eliminated last week (along with baby-voiced "meth face" porn star Brandi C.) discusses being paralyzed in a high dive accident, surviving cancer, losing a baby, eating meat six times a day, doing lunges around the track, not wanting to kiss another girl for "Rock of Love," and cries approximately 1,000 times, just like on the show. Go right now! DO IT!

Can I just mention here how addictive this show is? (Although now that Rodeo is gone, a little bit of the heart and soul--and craaazy--of the show has left, too.) Which stripper with giant fake boobs will win? Will Lacey simply murder all the contestants? Does her evil know no bounds? Should she be allowed to roam free in society?

Bret Michaels looks like a blonde, balding Carrot Top.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Frightening Celeb Photo of The Day

A wee change o' pace for the FCPOTD, folks. This time, it's a man! Well, sort of. More like a "man-child":


photo via the WOW Report

Yes, good ole Babyshamble Pete Doherty has dyed his hair puke yellow as part of his campaign to win back the love of Kate Moss. Besides looking like this:


photo via the UK Sun

...he also has been quoted as calling Ms. Moss a "nasty old rag" and describing their relationship as being very similar in nature to the "Vietnam War." And for some reason these ploys are not working on his former special lady! I ask you, what kind of unfeeling monster could shun such romantic efforts at pitching woo? Kate Moss, have you no heart? No soul? No BRAIN?

Tacos and Babies and Dogs, Oh My!



There's more wildly erratic hillbilly behavior from Britney Spears to report, ya'll! According to the new Us Weekly:
Spears and her kids became high-end squatters July 22, when they toured – then took over for several hours – a Pacific Palisades home, on the market for $6.5 million.

Upon arrival, her bodyguard removed the FOR SALE sign, then went to her Beverly Hills home to fetch some of their belongings. The result was a home seller’s nightmare, with Spears and her kids trashing the house before money exchanged hands.

“She ate tacos on the bedroom floor!” a source says of the home. “She got crumbs and grease everywhere. She let her babies and her dog roam the floor. She left the bed a mess – I don’t know what’s wrong with her.”

"I don't know what's wrong with her"--Source (if that is your real name), you speak for a nation!

Oh, and Brit-Brit also tried to get her 22-month-year-old son's teeth whitened by a dentist who, thank sweet baby Jesus in the manger, refused to do the job; and she aparently keeps putting soda pop in her boys' juice bottles. Yee-haw!

After feeling sorry for her pathetic craziness last week, now I'm back to loving her incredibly trashy ways--what a roller coaster of emotions you put me through, Ms. Spears! Although I am starting to get a tad worried about your kids' safety. And teeth...