Monday, May 28, 2007

Britney's Hairdo Needs To Go To Rehab, But She Says No, No, No

Oh, dear. In a desperate attempt at relevance it seems that lil' ole Britney Spears has decided to take a page from The Amy Winehouse Book of Hairdos:

(photos via

Except, you know, trashier and more pathetic. And somehow less clean-seeming. And just generally sadder.

Girl, you are going to have to shave that weave right off and start from scratch again if you're not more careful! Do you even have a stylist anymore? Even horrible Rachel Zoe would be an improvement over the Louisiana Waffle House crew you seem to be consulting! (Not that there's anything wrong with the state of Louisiana or Waffle House, Inc. They are two awe-inspiring institutions very close to my heart. I just don't think it is wise to consult either for celebrity hair extension updo advice....)

The Life of Reilly

Such sad news! Felt Up fave of faves Charles Nelson Reilly has passed away. From his obituary in the NY Times:
Charles Nelson Reilly, who acted and directed on Broadway but came to be best known for his campy television appearances on talk shows and “Match Game,” died on Friday in Los Angeles. He was 76 and lived in Beverly Hills, Calif.

The cause was complications of pneumonia, said his partner, Patrick Hughes, who is his only immediate survivor. Mr. Reilly had been ill for more than a year, he said.

Long before moving west to become what he somewhat ruefully described as a “game show fixture,” Mr. Reilly was an actor and an acting teacher in New York City. In 1962, he won a Tony Award for his portrayal of Bud Frump in the original Broadway production of “How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying.”

But he was proudest of “The Belle of Amherst,” a one-woman play starring Julie Harris based on the life of Emily Dickinson, which he directed on Broadway at the Longacre Theater in 1976, said Timothy Helgeson, who collaborated with him on the show. Two decades later, Mr. Reilly directed Ms. Harris and Charles Durning in a revival of “The Gin Game” at the Lyceum Theater. He was nominated for a Tony for best director in 1997, and Ms. Harris was nominated for best actress...

In the 1970s and 1980s, Mr. Reilly, with his ascots, oversize spectacles and over-the-top penchant for double-entendres, was a regular on television. He appeared more than 95 times on the “Tonight” show with Johnny Carson and was a panelist on game shows like “Match Game” and “Hollywood Squares.”

In a 2001 interview with The Advocate, the national gay magazine, Mr. Reilly reflected on the effect those shows had on his professional prospects. “You can’t do anything else once you do game shows,” he said. “You have no career.”

Mr. Reilly’s openly gay persona was many years ahead of its time on television, and it had its risks. He recalled being dismissed early in his career by a network executive, who told him that “they don’t let queers on television.” Paul Linke, who directed the one-man show, said Mr. Reilly later had the last laugh when he would page through TV Guide and count how many times he was on the air that week.

Charles Nelson Reilly was such a huge part of my childhood, which was largely spent glued to the television watching game shows like "Match Game." And, of course, his persona was brilliantly (and, I think, lovingly) spoofed by comedy genius Alec Baldwin, on "Saturday Night Live," which I hope Mr. Reilly enjoyed as much as I did.

You shall be missed, Mr. Reilly!

Will Ferrell as James Lipton and Alec Baldwin as Charles Nelson Reilly in their "Inside The Actor's Studio" sketch on SNL.

UPDATE: Huzzah! See the video, via The WOW Report:

SNL - Inside Actors Studio

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Lindsay Lohan DUI Leads To Shocking--SHOCKING, I SAY!--Coke Bust

Huzzah! Not only was Lindsay Lohan arrested for DUI last night, but cops found la cocaina in her car! From
In a press conference this afternoon about the arrest of Lindsay Lohan, cops say they found a "usable amount" of a drug at the scene, which they say was cocaine. Lt. Mitch McCann of the Beverly Hills Police Department would not say where the drug was found, but it was "not on her person."

Police tell TMZ that 20-year-old Lohan and two other adults were in her 2005 Mercedes SL-65 convertible when she lost control and crashed into a curb and trees in Beverly Hills around 5:30 AM. After the crash, police say LiLo got into another car and was driven to Century City Hospital where she was treated for minor injuries that involved "something to her upper chest area." Police said the two other people in her car were not hurt.

Officers received a 911 call about the accident and "tracked Ms. Lohan to the local hospital, where she was ultimately placed under arrest" for investigation of misdemeanor driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs.

Lt. McCann said it appeared as if Lohan was speeding and lost control. She was cited and released and will have to face a judge.

Oooh, girl! That injury to your "upper chest area"--did you rupture an implant or what? All I can say is thank you, Ms. Lohan. From the bottom of my heart, thank you, for saving us from the slowest non-news week ever! By being too dumb and/or arrogant to avoid driving drunk, and then forgetting your stash of drugs, you have brightened my existence and made me glad to be alive. Kudos, LiLo, kudos! Don't go changin'!

Stay tuned for more details, mug shots, etc. as they become available!

UPDATE: See a video of the crash scene here.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Back To Blake

(photo via dlisted)

According to Us Weekly, Amy Winehouse has wed her fiance in Miami:
Amy Winehouse said "Yes, yes, yes!" The singer married fiancé Blake Fielder-Civil on Friday in Miami Beach, her rep confirms to

“Amy Winehouse did get married to fiancé Blake Fielder-Civil this morning in a very private, intimate ceremony. They are very happy."

The 23-year-old “Rehab” singer is currently in Miami shooting a spread for Rolling Stone.

Following the ceremony, the couple celebrated their union with piña coladas and mudslides poolside at the Shore Club before heading to the beach.

(photo via usweekly)

“They look so happy and in love,” a witness at the hotel told Us. “She wore shorts and a tank top. They were all over each other."

Hmmm...I give this one about a year, tops. The guy she married is the same one who cheated on her and led to her writing an album's worth of heartbreak songs (her latest, Back To Black) about him, and then when said album was a worldwide smash hit, he suddenly realized how much he loved her and proposed. I wouldn't trust the guy further than I could throw him. She, however, looks like she wouldn't be able to throw a safety pin more than a foot with those tooothpick arms of hers.

On the upside, at least she averted a harrowing David Gest tooth-hole rape!

Look for Amy to be on the cover of both Spin and Rolling Stone next month. She's taking over the world, one drink at a time!

UPDATE: 5/21: Well, this certainly isn't a good sign:

Fielder-Civil has reportedly been boasting that Winehouse didn’t force him to sign a pre-nup agreement.

"Blake has been singing: 'They tried to make me sign a pre-nup, but I said no, no, no' to the tune of her 'Rehab' song," a source claimed.

"Some of the people that know him have nicknamed him Anna Nicole Smith because they think he’s only after her money."

(from iAfrica via The WOW Report)

(photo via dlisted)

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Minner Driver's Loss Is Cameron Diaz' Mistake!

Just in case the idea of Cameron Diaz canoodling in Las Vegas with gothy/ludicrous "Mindfreak" magician Criss Angel wasn't weird enough, now the word is that Mr. Angel was engaged to Minnie Driver during said canoodling! From the UK's Daily Mail:
Her love life has been about the most disastrous in Hollywood - the lowpoint coming when Matt Damon dumped her on air in front of millions of U.S. TV viewers on the Oprah Winfrey show.

And it seems Minnie Driver faces heartache again after her fiancé left her for fellow actress Cameron Diaz.

The London-born star of Good Will Hunting seemed to have found her man, when back in September, American TV magician Criss Angel proposed to her after a romantic holiday in Mexico.

But on Monday night, Angel was spotted arm-in-arm "cuddling and snuggling" with Charlie's Angel actress Diaz.

Angel and Miss Diaz made no attempt to hide their affection for one another during a romantic dinner at the Prime Steakhouse in Las Vegas.

And after dinner the couple travelled in style, taking his Rolls Royce to the Mirage hotel, where they watched the Beatles-inspired Cirque de Soleil show, Love.

An onlooker told The Mail: "They were very obviously a couple enjoying a great date. He kept making jokes and she was giggling all the time. They were cuddling and snuggling and he kept whispering in her ear – they looked very happy together."

But while Angel and Miss Diaz were the picture of happiness, Miss Driver is said to be devastated after being jilted for the third time.

One close friend admitted: "I really can’t believe this has happened to her again."

Oh, but I can believe it. There's a bit of the crazy in Minnie Driver's eyes...and anyone who would get engaged to a magician named "Mindfreak" is obviously quite mad. I've always had kind of a love/hate thing with Minnie....I want to like her--she seems like someone I'm supposed to like--but something always makes me think twice about it. On the one hand, she has refreshingly un-Hollywood looks...on the other, she made such a big hairy deal about losing her Circle of Friends method-acting weight. On the one hand, she can't keep a man, and that gives her a patina of sympathy...on the other, she was born into an incredibly rich family and is even wealthier now that she's a movie star. I like her work on The Riches...but I wish she wouldn't try to be a singer. She's cute and lovely, especially when she smiles....but she's a bit too pointy and has a tendency to scowl. She might be fun to hang out with....but can probably be a complete crazy beyotch. Oh, I could go on and on. Let's put it this way: I like her more than most actresses working today (which isn't saying much). O, Minnie, leave me be!

What was I talking about? Oh, right. Minnie losing her fiancee/illusionist to Cameron Diaz. Hmmm...well, I think you can do better, lady! The next guy who dumps you should at least be another actor!


Felt Up readers, please enjoy this mini gallery of ridonkulous Criss Angel photos (and keep in mind that this is the man two movie stars are fighting over!):

The 'Twan Remains The Same

From Page Six:
NOTE to R. Kelly's ego: Come back to Earth! The full-of-himself R&B great tells the new issue Hip-Hop Soul: "My greatest competition is, well, me . . . I'm the Ali of today. I'm the Marvin Gaye of today. I'm the Bob Marley of today. I'm the Martin Luther King, or all the other greats that have come before us. And a lot of people are starting to realize that now." Maybe this will humble him - Kelly's trial on child porn charges is finally expected to start this summer.
Oh, ego schmego! I disagree, Page Six. Not only do I concur with with R. Kelly's assessment of himself as Jesus Christ and James Brown wrapped up in one glorious package, butI don't want R. Kelly to realize anything about himself except the fact that he needs to get his ass in gear and finally finish his magnum opus Trapped In The Closet. He's still got another 20 chapters left in him! At least!

Don't leave us hangin', R., please. Look deep within your Martin Luther King-esque heart and realize that the world needs this right now. There's a war going on, R.! We have to know what happens to Sylvester and Gwendolyn! Chuck and Cathy! 'Twan! And most of all, Bridget and Big Man's baby! Hurry, before you become Trapped In A Prison Cell!

Monday, May 14, 2007

Amir All Week, Folks! Try The Veal!

Amir Talai--who besides being in seemingly every commercial currently on tv played "Abdul" on the late, great, much-missed show Campus Ladies--posted this on his MySpace blog:
In case you didn't hear, Campus Ladies was cancelled last month by the Oxygen Network, essentially because our ratings weren't as good as they were for our first season. It's actually a miracle we made it as far as we did, what with Oxygen changing our time period during the first season, taking us off for a month and then bringing us back, and then putting our second season on at 11pm on Tuesday nights. We had a surprising number of fans given that Oxygen almost willfully sabotaged the show. But that too is in the past, and we will move on from that as well. Here too, I have made some friendships and connections that will last for a long time. And for fans of the show, you might be happy to know that Derek (Mr Drew) and I are actually very good friends in real life as well, and the cancellation of the show hasn't changed that. And BTW, Campus Ladies is definitely coming out on DVD, but I don't know when. I'll definitely LYK.
I'm pretty sure LYK is how the kids say "let you know" these days. Anyway, it's nice to hear that the show will be out on DVD, as there hasn't been a lot of information forthcoming from those beyotches at Oxygen. Also: MR. DREEEWWWWWWWWWW! Such a cutie! I'd be his cougar anyday...grrrr!

Amir mentions earlier in the post that Campus Ladies was an improv show, which a) I hadn't realized and b) makes everyone on it seem even more brilliant. Sob!


Mary-Kate Is In For Some Ribbing

(photo via I'm Not Obsessed)

Some Felt Up musings about this photo of Mary-Kate Olsen:

1) Ack.

2) Thank god! She remembered her smokes.

3) Will her breastplate eventually decompose?

4) Is she wearing a gorilla suit?

5) Oh, the humanity!

6) Ick.

Cougar Catfight!

Huzzah! A gossip item about "aging divas" Joan Collins and Linda Evans getting a teensy bit too method actor-y in their onstage slugfests! From Page Six:
JOAN Collins and Linda Evans, who famously mixed it up in catfight after catfight on "Dynasty," are battling again - but this time it's for real.

Collins' camp tells us the 73-year-old diva was badly injured when Evans, 64, got carried away as they toured in James Kirkwood's play "Legends," portraying faded stars who've hated each other for years but get the chance to make a comeback if they can work together. During the show, which just completed a 30-week, cross-country run, the actresses rough each other up - but things got a bit too physical.

"Joan ended the tour with a sprained knee, a scar on her hand and almost choked to death," a rep for Collins told Page Six.

"Evans kicked Joan's hand so hard that she now has a permanent scar and cannot wear a ring on her right hand. And she spent five weeks in therapy when Evans took it too far and allegedly pushed her off the stage."

Nonsense, says Evans' manager, Mike Greenfield. "Joan Collins is the biggest [bleeping] sack of [bleep]. She's the single most unprofessional actress working in Hollywood," he told us. "Linda Evans hurting somebody? I find it unbelievable."

On "Dynasty," which ran from 1981-1989, Collins played super-bitchy Alexis Carrington Colby to Evans' Krystle Carrington, and the characters were often slapping, clawing and hair-pulling at a moment's notice.

Ben Sprecher, who produced "Legends," said it was "absolutely untrue" Evans pushed Collins off stage. He said that during one scene, Collins had to shove Evans onto a couch and Evans' "foot came up and touched Joan's hand . . Joan then refused to do [it] . . . She was afraid of it. So we had her push Linda with the end of a mop," he said. But Sprecher said he was unaware of Collins' injury or need for therapy.

That's news to Collins, who says she filed an insurance report over the injury and goes to the Hospital for Special Surgery for treatment to reduce the swelling in her hand.

"I'm surprised they are saying this. It was an unpleasant experience which is now over and the people you refer to are thankfully out of my life," she said.

Hee-hee! I loooove that they really do despise each other! I thought maybe they had made up a little after the Dynasty reunion show and touring with this play, but happily that was either a short-lived reconciliation or was fake all along. Either way, we, the elder-catfight-loving public, win!

On a semi-related side note, my high school drama teacher taught Richard Dreyfus, Nicolas Cage, and....Miss Linda Evans, and when I asked about her acting talent, he replied, "Well, she always beautifully gowned." I have often thought that would make a wonderful epithet for my tombstone, although sadly it would be patently far.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

She Says No, No, No

Brace yourselves for a gross-out: The Post Chronicle (via the WOW Report) recently posted this nausea-inducing tidbit:

Music producer David Gest is desperate to share a date with British soul star Amy Winehouse so he can act out some bizarre fantasies.

Liza Minnelli's ex-husband, who is currently dating English soap actress Malandra Burrows, confesses he's infatuated with the Rehab singer and loves her wild style.

He says, "I would kiss the mole on Amy Winehouse's face and every tattoo on her body, and I'd stick my tongue in the gap where her tooth is missing.

"I love her."

Run for your life Amy Winehouse! David Gest might try to ply you with liquor until you pass out for the 5,000 time and take carnal pleasure from your tooth-hole!




Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Poopy Pants Edition Of...

This is perhaps the least "blind" blind item ever, but it's pretty hilarious, so here goes. From Janet Charlton:
This perky celebrity is the butt of many jokes because she seems to be wrestling with substance abuse, but she won't admit it. Her behavior repeatedly indicates that she has a problem. Sometimes she's manic, and other times she's been known to practically fall asleep on the job. She's definitely overdoing it with the muscle relaxers - she's SO relaxed that occasionally she poops her pants at embarrassing times. Most recently it happened in a limo on the way to the airport and they had to stop at Target to buy new underwear.

I will not insult your intelligence, dear Felt Up readers, by coming up with a rhyming name for this one (oh all right! Falla Crabdrool!), but I had to share. I'm crapping myself just thinking about it. I shit you not! It gives me diahhrea of the mouth. OK, OK I'll stop--I'm getting pooped anyway...

Fashion Dealt A Blow

British fashion icon, muse, and famous hat-wearer Isabella Blow has died, and though the official cause of death was given as ovarian cancer, people in the know are saying that she may have committed suicide, because that was kind of her thing. From the NY Daily News:
Fashion lost an eccentric icon yesterday with the death of Isabella Blow, a British stylist, editor and former assistant of Vogue's Anna Wintour and Andre Leon Talley.

But friends familiar with her suicidal tendencies - especially in recent weeks - are questioning the official cause of death, given as cancer.

One magazine source tells me: "She tried to kill herself again last week and drank bleach, then on another occasion tried to jump out of [her husband] Detmar 's car."

Self-administered poison was the leading theory among New York fashionistas yesterday, gathering for the annual Met Costume Institute's Benefit Gala.

Wintour said that Blow, 48, "was a true British original, and [her death] is a great loss to fashion and to us all." Blow's outlandish personal style was lionized by designers including Alexander McQueen and John Galliano, and made the career of hatmaker Philip Treacy.

In 2005, she tried to kill herself by jumping off a London bridge. After breaking her feet and no longer being able to wear any of her 280 pairs of spiked heels, she was inundated by gifts of flat shoes from designers including Manolo Blahnik and Christian Laboutin.

Fellow style icon Victoria Beckham, on hearing of the 2005 suicide attempt, famously declared: "What genius!"

Oh, Posh. I think maybe you are the real genius!

It sounds like maybe the world was too cruel a place for someone like Ms. Blow. Although anyone who could work for Anna Wintour and live to tell the tale must have had inner reserves of strength--or was that just another failed death wish? Anyway, a sad story, but also rather fabulous...

Blanchett Makes Me Blanch

Ack! Here's a disturbing photo from the UK Daily Mail of Cate Blanchett looking a teensy bit wan and cadeverous at the Costume Institute Gala in New York recently:

That makeup job isn't doing her any favors, either, unless she's trying to oust Evan Rachel Wood from Marilyn Manson's boudoir. Here's a side-by-side comparison of her current state with her former fatty fat pants physique:

Kudos, Cate! You look much better now. No one likes a lard-ass. Keep up the good work!

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Lindsay Learns Her Lines

OK, so this story comes from The News Of The World U.K., and normally I don't like to quote from the trashier end of the tabloid spectrum, but a) it's totally and completely awesome, b) there is photographic evidence in this instance, and c) there's a war going on, people! We need something we can cling to in our hour of darkness! So here goes:
LINDSAY Lohan, fresh from rehab, has been pictured taking part in a marathon cocaine binge.

Sordid snaps of her snorting the drug and shoving it up a pal's nose was taken as she and two friends crammed into a club toilet during a wild night on the town.

Then the Mean Girls star bragged to the others: "I'm going to New York tomorrow to f*** Jude Law."

Now a friend of the 21-year-old actress says she is spiralling out of control since rehab and revealed that Lohan:

SNORTED 20 lines of cocaine in ONE night alone

STRIPPED down to a thong before inhaling the drug off a coffee table

BRAGGED of wild sex sessions with a host of celebrities including singer James Blunt and model Calum Best.

The friend added: "Lindsay does not care who sees her do coke and where she does it." And she has not managed to stay off the booze either.

"She carries round a water bottle to try to fool everyone into thinking she is clean but she tips the water out and refills it with vodka and soda."

But she was caught out by a secret film made as she snorted the Class A drug at the exclusive Teddy's nightclub in Hollywood's Roosevelt Hotel.

The video shows her arriving at 11pm and skulking round the toilets before creeping inside a cubicle.

Wedged inside the loo with two friends, Lohan pulls a small bag of white powder from her jeans pocket.

She dips her finger in and shoves the substance up one friend's nose before snorting some up her own.

And this was filmed just 20 days after she proudly emerged from therapy.

Obviously "Lindsay Lohan does cocaine" is not exactly shocking news, but it's always nice to have video confirmation. I also loooooooooooooove the "I'm going to New York tomorrow to f*** Jude Law" line--so incredibly funny. Let's hear some more sordid tales from Lindsay's "friend," shall we?
"She wasn't even trying to hide it and was blatantly doing it off table tops, keys, books and in the wardrobe, where she was hunched over with her legs crossed almost bent in half doing it off some magazine on the floor.

"I remember looking at her and thinking how pathetic she looked and how out of control she had become.

"When she is on coke, which is most of the time, all the attention has to be on her.

"I have lost count of the number of times I have watched as she stripped naked in front of everyone.

"Then she loves to check herself out in the mirror as she parades around with her boobs hanging out.

"One night we had gone back to her place and, as always, as soon as she walked through the door she stripped down to her thong, bent down and snorted cocaine off her coffee table and then off her toilet seat."

But Lindsay is not only addicted to booze and drugs, she is also hooked on sex with some of Hollywood's hottest men, says our insider.

"She has told me that she has slept with James Blunt, Jude Law, Calum Best, Joaquin Phoenix, Benicio Del Toro, Jared Leto and James Franco," admitted the friend.

"She loves Brits and has told me she has slept with the singer James Blunt a few times over the past month.

"The last time was on April 15 after another house party. I think they went back to a hotel together afterwards. She is very protective over him and when she heard I had met him she sent me a text saying, ‘Stay away from him Bitch, he is mine.'

"Lindsay told me she has messed around with Leonardo DiCaprio a while ago too but claimed that she didn't sleep with him."

Oh, dear. Lady, you can have your Jareds and Calums and assorted Jameses, and I'll even thow in Benicio because he's clearly in the midst of some kind of shame spiral, but JOAQUIN? Why did it have to be my Joaquin? Noooooooooooooooo!

I wonder if the "friend" who spilled all these beans is P-Hole Hilton? That "Stay away from him Bitch, he is mine" text made me wonder. She might have been trying to do a little revenge p.r. just before she went to prison...on the other hand, the quotes are in coherent English, so maybe not. Then again, the reporter could have "padded" her quotes to make them intelligible, so who knows?

Friday, May 04, 2007

Paris In The Pokey!

photo via the wow report

Tra-la-la! Whoop-de-do! Wheeeeeeee! Huzzah! Hallelujuah! HALLELUJAH!

From the Associated Press:

A judge sentenced Paris Hilton to 45 days in jail Friday for violating her probation, putting the brakes on the hotel heiress' famous high life.

Hilton, who parlayed her name and relentless partying into worldwide notoriety, must go to jail on June 5 and she will not be allowed any work release, furloughs, use of an alternative jail or any electronic monitoring in lieu of jail, Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer ruled after a hearing.

The judge ruled that she was in violation of the terms of her probation in an alcohol-related reckless driving case.

"I'm very sorry and from now on I'm going to pay complete attention to everything. I'm sorry and I did not do it on purpose at all," she told the judge before he announced the sentence.

She was then ordered to report to a women's jail in suburban Lynwood on the set date or face 90 days behind bars.

As a city prosecutor said during closing arguments that Hilton deserved jail time, Hilton's mother, Kathy, laughed. When the judge ruled, Kathy Hilton then blurted out: "May I have your autograph?"

Paris Hilton was among a series of witnesses who took the stand during the hearing. She maintained she was unaware her license was suspended and thought she was allowed to drive for work purposes.

She said that when an officer who stopped her in January made her sign a document stating her license was suspended, she thought he was mistaken and did not actually look at the document.

Hilton arrived at the courthouse 10 minutes after the scheduled 1:30 p.m. start time of the hearing.

The heiress arrived in the back of a black Cadillac Escalade and swept into the Metropolitan Courthouse with several men in suits, ignoring screams of photographers lining the route into a rear entrance. In addition to her mother, her father, Rick, also came with her.

Wearing a gray jacket and white shirt over black slacks and with a black headband on, she said nothing and appeared serious.

The celebrity case brought an unusual scene to the austere courthouse south of downtown in a commercial area. As if at a red-carpet event, dozens of photographers and reporters lined up at the rear entrance. Yellow police tape substituted for velvet ropes.

I wish someone would a) choke Kathy Hilton with that yellow police tape, and b) do something really, really terrible to P-Hole while she's in the lady prison. Seriously, like Oz-caliber terrible.

The Hoff Keeps Gettin' Hassled

Oh, lordy. A sad and pathetic videotape of a drunken David Hasselhoff slumped over shirtless on the floor of his Las Vegas dressing room has been making the rounds. I'm having trouble loading the video, but go to Entertainment Tonight Online if you want to play the tape for your own sick amusement:

In what appears to be a cry for help, ET has obtained exclusive video of DAVID HASSELHOFF in Las Vegas -- where he is currently starring in The Producers -- in which he appears to be intoxicated in heartbreaking footage believed to be taken three months ago by his 16-year-old daughter, TAYLOR.

In the video, Taylor begs her father to stop drinking, saying, "Dad, look what this is doing to you. You have to stop drinking alcohol, promise me you won't drink anymore."

She also warns him that he could lose his stage gig if he doesn't sober up.

"The doctor's coming over early ... if you have any alcohol in your system, you're gonna be fired from the show."

David appears intoxicated, lying on the floor, wearing only a pair of blue jeans while attempting to eat a hamburger.

In a statement to ET, David says:

"I am a recovering alcoholic. Despite that I have been going through a painful divorce and I have recently been separated from my children due to my work, I have been successfully dealing with my issue. Unfortunately, one evening I did have a brief relapse, but part of recovery is relapse.

Because of my honest and positive relationship with my daughters who were concerned for my well being there was a tape made that night to show me what I was like. I have seen the tape. I have learned from it and I am back on my game. I thank God for the love and concern from my daughters. The tape was never meant to become public, but got into the hands of individuals who are not worthy of mentioning, who maliciously released the tape for their own self purpose. I hope that someone else will learn from the tape, as I have."

David has had a long and difficult struggle with alcohol problems. He checked himself into the Betty Ford clinic for alcoholism in July 2002. Two years later, he was arrested for drunk driving. Last July, he was banned from a flight at London's Heathrow Airport because authorities believed he was too intoxicated to fly.

Earlier this week, David's ex-wife PAMELA BACH told ET how difficult their divorce has been on everyone.

"It's a year and a half of hell that me and my daughters have been through," she said.
I only have one wee question: Who on Earth would pay to see David Hasselhoff in a Las Vegas production of The Producers? Well, actually, I might, if it was a) guaranteed he'd be drunk out of his mind, and b) was co-starring with David Cassidy.

There will surely be much merriment and ridicule of this tape, but I find it all rather tragic. On the other hand, isn't he some kind of wife-beater? I sort of can't wait to watch Best Week Ever and get Frangela's reaction!