Friday, April 20, 2007

It Takes Brass Balls To Be Alec Baldwin's Daughter

I've held off commenting on Alec Baldwin's Message-To-His-Daughter-gate, because a) I love, love, loooooove me some Alec Baldwin and believe that he is a national treasure and should get a Kennedy Center Honor just for his work on 30 Rock alone (plus a Congressional Medal of Honor for his sublime impersonation of Charles Nelson Reilly on Saturday Night Live) and b) as a non-parent, who am I to cast the first stone?

(For those of you readers who are completely in the dark, posted an audio clip of a "threatening" phone message Alec left for Ireland, his 11 year-old daughter with ex-wife and bĂȘte noir Kim Basinger, in which he called Ireland a "thoughtless little pig." Controversy has ensued.)

However, now Gawker has run a transcript of the phone message in its entirety and it is so fascinating that I feel it is the best interest of The People to pass it along, so here it is:
Once again, I have made an ass of myself trying to get to a phone. You have made an ass out me of for the last time. Three letters: ABA. A, Always, B, Be, A, Answering. Always be answering. Always be answering. AIDA. Attention. Interest. Decision. Action. Attention. Do I have your attention? Interest. Are you interested? I know you are 'cause it's pick up the phone or get your ass straightened out. You answer or you get hit with a brick. Decision. Have you made your decision to pick up the phone? And action. AIDA. Pick up the goddamn phone. You got a call coming in, you think I made it because I've got nothing better to do? I could be shouting shit at random people on the street, but I'm calling you. I don't care that you're twelve or eleven or whatever, are you pig enough to pick it up? I'm a good father, and you're a pig. I don't give a shit. Good father. You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you thoughtless pain in the ass? AIDA. Get mad you daughter-of-a-bitch. Get mad. You know what it takes to answer my call? It takes brass balls to answer my call. Go and do likewise. The phone is ringing, you pick it up, it's yours, you don't, I got no sympathy for you. I'd wish you good luck, but you wouldn't know what to do with it if you got it. You better be ready Friday the 20th to meet with me. Pig. Oh, also, tell your mother I said "Go fuck yourself." This is Dad, ring me back when you get a chance.

Now, at first I had some faint, dim hope that "thoughtless little pig" might be a term of endearment from Pops to the apple of his eye, perhaps a reference to a Baldwin family ritual, the "Thoughtless Little Piggy Game": "This thoughtless little piggy went to market. This thoughtless little piggy stayed home. And this thoughtless little piggy cried 'pick up the goddamn phone!' all the way home."

But after a careful reading of the transcript, I think it's safe to say that "thoughtless little pig" is not so much a term of affection as it is a testament to the fact that sometimes geniuses are a just the teensiest bit insane in the membrane, insane in the brain. All those acronyms! All those threats! That probably unnesssary "This is Dad" end note! Egads, man. Get ahold of yourself!

On the other hand, as Friend of Felt Up Terri R. pointed out, how many moments of our childhood encounters with our parents would we like aired in public? Every one of us has been a little snot-nosed punk, and every one of us has had a parent go off and threaten to sell us to the gypsies, tar our hides, drop us off at the nearest orphanage, or whatnot. Well, not me, actually, as I was a perfect child, but I've heard tell. And we've all been witness to friends and coworkers menacing their cowering children with a brick and/or threatening to "straighten out their ass," right?

I mean that's just part of having kids, isn't it? I saw Parenthood, people! I know how hard it can be. That's why I'm sticking with my dog--it's not a choice, it's a Corgi.

Any thoughts out there on this whole Baldwin debacle?


Anonymous said...

Wow. This totally makes him seem like a rageaholic. However, I do love the acronyms and the phrase "daughter of a bitch."

I can't wait until Ireland grows up to write "Daddy Dearest."

Terri R.

Shannon said...

Geez. Divorce always sucks, as do custody battles, but people should NEVER put their kids in the middle of it. This guy has a long history of having a short fuse, and now we can all see (thanks to Kim and her lawyers) that the fuse isn't any longer when it comes to his daughter.

Granted, parents get mad and say stuff they regret later, but this is ridiculous. Using curse words and calling his adolescent daughter a worthless, thoughtless pig numerous times because she didn't answer the phone when he called? Geez, get some anger management, stat!

Brian said...

You have made an ass out of me for the last time!

He sounds like a scientologist with his acronyms and his rage.

Go Nagel!

Dylan said...

Wow. You went through all the trouble of inventing a Glengarry Glen Ross parody and nobody noticed.

I thought it was hilarious. Good job.