Monday, April 30, 2007

Rent!

Is there anything better on a dreary Monday morning than a juicy story about Boy George chaining up a Norwegian rent boy? No, there isn't!

(Keep in mind while reading this report rom the UK Sun that "pants" in England means "underpants" to all good and decent people):
A MALE escort told of his terror last night after claiming he was kidnapped by Boy George.

Auden Carlsen, 28, said: “It’s ironic that his biggest hit was Do You Really Want To Hurt Me? — because I’m sure he did want to hurt me.

“I was convinced I was going to die.”

The Norwegian spoke out as George, 45, was bailed by detectives probing assault and false imprisonment allegations.

Carlsen said he was grabbed by the singer and another man and chained to a wall after the star invited him to his pad in Shoreditch, East London, to pose for photos.

The escort fled in his pants after wrenching the hook from the wall.

Accused ... Boy George
Accused ... Boy George

Carlsen revealed he met George on the Gaydar website, but only agreed to go to his flat at midnight as a £400 photographic model and not as an escort.

The ex-Culture Club star took pictures of him in kinky gear.

Carlsen said: “George said he was popping out for milk at 5am. I heard him come back and I walked into his bedroom wearing just my white underpants and a T-shirt. I was jumped on by George and another man.

“George handcuffed me to a hook by the bed as they held me down.”

He said George got rid of the blond man then produced a box of whips and sex toys — telling him: “Now you’ll get what you deserve.”

Carlsen pulled the hook from the wall and fled — then alerted the police from a nearby newsagent’s at 6.30am on Saturday.

George — real name George O’Dowd — was taken to a police station.

Last year he got community service in New York after he said a rent boy tried to rob him — and cops found cocaine in his apartment. He was unavailable for comment last night.


Hmmm...I can't decide if the world is out to get Boy George and drag his name through the mud for fun and profit...or if he is a nutty nutball druggie creep who keeps letting his sordid pastimes get out of control. Perhaps a bit of both? At any rate, I'd much rather hear about his possible S&M torture of Norwegian rent boys than his icky drug habits, so kudos, Boy, kudos! Keep up the good work! I look forward to the next story of debauchery and kinky sex-for-pay with baited breath!

PS
I love, love, love the term "rent boy" and wish I could use it in conversation every single day of my life. Rent boy, rent boy, rent boy!

Friday, April 27, 2007

Two Of The Best Racks In The Business Seen Canoodling In A-Town!



Felt Up doesn't have a "Gawker Stalker"-esque celebrity sighting feature--yet!--but I do have a few well-placed spies around Austin, and recently got this report from a little bird who shall remain nameless (to protect the not-so-innocent) that Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds were seen eating at a popular local Tex-Mex restaurant:
[Reynolds is] SO tall, SO HOT, SO HOT, SO HOT. ScarJo is beautiful. Very small. Immaculate skin. They'd finished eating and were just "canoodling" in the booth.
I'm not sure I would be able to recognize Ryan Reynolds even if he fell into my enchiladas verdes, because a) I get him confused with Dane Cook (as does Friend of Felt Up Terri R.) and b) I usually assume tall people can't be actors, but my source is something of a Ryan Reynolds expert, so extra kudos go out for the i.d. And at any rate, a Scar-Jo "canoodling" sighting in our fair city is a red-letter day indeed. Score one for us hicks in sticks! Huzzah!

A very pregnant Julia Roberts is supposed to be filming here, too. Keep your eyes peeled, fellow Austinites, for Julia's water breaking at Three Forks or Starlite or wherever. That five minutes of nausea will pay off big in a lifetime of glorious story-telling, believe you me. It takes a village to get Felt Uppity!


Thursday, April 26, 2007

Eve of Destruction



OK, now this is just plain odd. Eve, the lady rapper who is perhaps best known for her duet with Gwen Stefani, "Let Me Blow Ya Mind," and her role as a hairdresser with a heart of gold in Barber Shop, was arrested for drunk driving after crashing her Maserati on Hollywood Boulevard with a blood alcohol reading twice the legal limit in California. That isn't the weird part, though. The kookiness comes from this report from TMZ.com:
Hard time couldn't have been that bad for just-busted rapper Eve -- TMZ has learned that she got an early morning celebrity visit from Oscar-winning actor Sean Penn! Talk about special treatment!

Penn arrived shortly after the rapper-actress was booked by police on suspicion on driving under the influence. As we first reported this morning, Eve was arrested after crashing her Maserati into a center divider on Hollywood Blvd. We spotted Penn leaving in a taxi close to 4:00 AM.

Police sources tell TMZ, "He came to see how Eve was doing." No word yet if Sean and Eve had been out together before her car accident.
Huh. Sean Penn visits Eve in the slammer at 4 AM? Are they collaborating on a special report on human rights violations in Iraq or perhaps a new Eve video? About to go on a post-Katrina fact-finding mission to New Orleans? Working on a movie together? HAVING A TORRID AFFAIR?

Curiouser and curiouser...Stay tuned for more developments!

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Don't Be Such a Poussez!

So in my non-virtual, actual life, I go to a lot of thrift stores looking for crap--I mean precious treasures--for my shop, and sometimes I come upon funny stuff. This was ostensibly the raison d'etre of my other blog, Thrifty Cent, but my camera has been acting funny and I'm too lazy to scan things, so that blog has lain dormant for quite a while.

However, I couldn't resist sharing this LP I found today:



Isn't it glorious? I thought Nagel was the best band name ever, but I was mistaken, for truly the bestest name in the History of Man is...Poussez! (Poussez means "Push" in French, but that's just a bonus, really.)

I don't have my record player set up at the moment, but apparently this is the second album of disco tunes (the first was called Poo-Say!) put out under the Poussez name by a Svengali-like figure named Alphonse Mouzon, who, despite his Frenchy-sounding name and disco group-naming predilections, was born in South Carolina. Read all about Alphonse and his Poussez dream here.

Any Felt Up readers familiar with this album? Send your Poussez comments my way!

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Baby's On Fire(water)



Apparently the strain of being a straight gay man has made Jonathan Rhys Meyers turn to the sauce, as he's recently entered an alcohol rehab program. From People.com:
Jonathan Rhys Meyers, star of Showtime's The Tudors, has entered a rehab facility, his rep tells PEOPLE exclusively.

"After a non-stop succession of filming, Jonathan Rhys Meyers has entered an alcohol-treatment program," rep Meredith O'Sullivan says. "He felt a break was needed to maintain his recovery."

The 29-year-old actor, who costarred with Scarlett Johansson in Woody Allen's Match Point last year, plays Henry VIII in The Tudors, which premiered on April 1, and recently finished filming the drama August Rush with Keri Russell, Terrence Howard and Robin Williams.

Meyers's rep adds: "Jonathan plans to resume his schedule following completion."
We wish you a speedy recovery, JRM! Your fans wait with baited breath for your next pouty, flouncy, fey, fantabulously foppish performance--on film or in real life!

Friday, April 20, 2007

It Takes Brass Balls To Be Alec Baldwin's Daughter



I've held off commenting on Alec Baldwin's Message-To-His-Daughter-gate, because a) I love, love, loooooove me some Alec Baldwin and believe that he is a national treasure and should get a Kennedy Center Honor just for his work on 30 Rock alone (plus a Congressional Medal of Honor for his sublime impersonation of Charles Nelson Reilly on Saturday Night Live) and b) as a non-parent, who am I to cast the first stone?

(For those of you readers who are completely in the dark, TMZ.com posted an audio clip of a "threatening" phone message Alec left for Ireland, his 11 year-old daughter with ex-wife and bĂȘte noir Kim Basinger, in which he called Ireland a "thoughtless little pig." Controversy has ensued.)

However, now Gawker has run a transcript of the phone message in its entirety and it is so fascinating that I feel it is the best interest of The People to pass it along, so here it is:
Once again, I have made an ass of myself trying to get to a phone. You have made an ass out me of for the last time. Three letters: ABA. A, Always, B, Be, A, Answering. Always be answering. Always be answering. AIDA. Attention. Interest. Decision. Action. Attention. Do I have your attention? Interest. Are you interested? I know you are 'cause it's pick up the phone or get your ass straightened out. You answer or you get hit with a brick. Decision. Have you made your decision to pick up the phone? And action. AIDA. Pick up the goddamn phone. You got a call coming in, you think I made it because I've got nothing better to do? I could be shouting shit at random people on the street, but I'm calling you. I don't care that you're twelve or eleven or whatever, are you pig enough to pick it up? I'm a good father, and you're a pig. I don't give a shit. Good father. You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you thoughtless pain in the ass? AIDA. Get mad you daughter-of-a-bitch. Get mad. You know what it takes to answer my call? It takes brass balls to answer my call. Go and do likewise. The phone is ringing, you pick it up, it's yours, you don't, I got no sympathy for you. I'd wish you good luck, but you wouldn't know what to do with it if you got it. You better be ready Friday the 20th to meet with me. Pig. Oh, also, tell your mother I said "Go fuck yourself." This is Dad, ring me back when you get a chance.

Now, at first I had some faint, dim hope that "thoughtless little pig" might be a term of endearment from Pops to the apple of his eye, perhaps a reference to a Baldwin family ritual, the "Thoughtless Little Piggy Game": "This thoughtless little piggy went to market. This thoughtless little piggy stayed home. And this thoughtless little piggy cried 'pick up the goddamn phone!' all the way home."

But after a careful reading of the transcript, I think it's safe to say that "thoughtless little pig" is not so much a term of affection as it is a testament to the fact that sometimes geniuses are a just the teensiest bit insane in the membrane, insane in the brain. All those acronyms! All those threats! That probably unnesssary "This is Dad" end note! Egads, man. Get ahold of yourself!

On the other hand, as Friend of Felt Up Terri R. pointed out, how many moments of our childhood encounters with our parents would we like aired in public? Every one of us has been a little snot-nosed punk, and every one of us has had a parent go off and threaten to sell us to the gypsies, tar our hides, drop us off at the nearest orphanage, or whatnot. Well, not me, actually, as I was a perfect child, but I've heard tell. And we've all been witness to friends and coworkers menacing their cowering children with a brick and/or threatening to "straighten out their ass," right?

I mean that's just part of having kids, isn't it? I saw Parenthood, people! I know how hard it can be. That's why I'm sticking with my dog--it's not a choice, it's a Corgi.

Any thoughts out there on this whole Baldwin debacle?

Time Once More For...



This blind item comes from Janet Charlton, whose "Hollywood Whodunit" says:
This A-list actress would have you believe she's a modern woman, but she's old fashioned in one way: she doesn't want anyone to know she was a battered wife. She THOUGHT she was madly in love with her first husband but not long after they wed, she started cheating. He was suspicious and accused her and they had nasty fights. She hid her bruises from her family and friends. Finally he got PROOF of her indiscretion and the marriage imploded with one last pummeling. She feels guilty because she was a cheater and embarrassed because she endured the beatings, so she'll never talk about it.

Hmmmm...the bit about "proof" makes me wonder if she's talking about the actress whose name rhymes with "Peg Cryin'", because she was well known for cheating with her costar "Mussell Show" on a terrible movie called Proof Of Life. However, that would mean the abusive husband is the actor whose name sounds like "Tennis Braid"...also, "Peg" never got remarried so "Tennis" wouldn't be her "first husband," just her ex.

It's also possible this is referring to the actress whose name ryhmes with "Scary Thatcher," because according to some of the comments on the original Janet Charlton item, apparently the then-married "Scary" used to show up on the set of her tv show Toe-iss and Flark with bruises after she had an affair with her costar, the actor whose name sounds like Mean Pain.

Any other ideas? Better rhyming names? Put 'em in the comments box!

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

But I'm Famous!

Ack! From the NY Post's Cindy Adams comes this horrifying update on that freakish kiss that happened a while back between Bruce Willis and--yes, you are reading this correctly--Courtney Love:

PERENNIAL lover Bruce Willis, who leaves no moan unturned, turned his attention-deficit disorder to Courtney Love. He's 52, she's 42, and whenever was his birthday they discovered one another and are now sort of seeing one another. Set your clocks.

Usually Mr. Bruce goes for the younger ladies (and I mean young as in Lindsay Lohan young) more akin to his daughters' peer group, but as Woody Allen says, sometimes the heart doesn't know from logic. Or sanity. Or taste. Stay tuned!


The one on the left is more to Bruce's usual taste...

In other non-news, two fun items have appeared in recent columns by
Jeannette Walls in her MSNBC "Scoop" column. First up:

Is Lindsay Lohan more than just friends with her new best friend Samantha Ronson?

Former Hollywood publicist Jonathan Jaxson says on his blog that “all my sources” insist that the Mean Girls star is getting cozy with Samantha Ronson.

“Maybe she was tired of the boys and that is why she decided to spice it up with BFF Samantha Ronson,” notes Jaxson.

But another source dismisses the talk. “Oh, please, that’s silly,” says the source. “Lindsay just loves to have fun and mix it up a bit.

Yes, much like fame-seeking personal trainer/former Amazing Race contestant Rebecca, who is involved in a torrid ersatz lesbian affair with her boss Jackie, an actual, non-temporary lesbian on Bravo's reality show Workout (which is soooo much more interesting this season than last! yay for career-advancing sexual switch-hitting!), Lindsay may be taking carpet-tasting lessons with professional hipster Samantha Ronson in a bid to make sure their names are not out of the press for more than three consecutive seconds. Big hairy deal! As it were. As Andy Warhol said, in the future everyone will be gay for 15 minutes.


Just keep her away from Bruce Willis!

And finally, the other tidbit concerns craaaazy ole Paula Abdul:
Paula Abdul is a sweetie on “American Idol” — but some folks claim she’s not so sweet when she’s an airline passenger.

Abdul was a diva during a recent flight, demanding — but not getting — special treatment, sources tell Star.

“She pulled a major diva trip,” one “eyewitness” told the tab. “The other passengers were not amused.”

The television show judge was booked on a sold-out Southwest Airlines flight from San Jose to Burbank, California, and reportedly demanded first-class treatment — even though there’s no first-class section on the airline.

“She asked to be let on the plane and seated first,” an “eyewitness” told the Star. When Abdul was told that only young children, people with disabilities and the elderly were allowed to board early, she reportedly declared, “But I’m famous! I need to go on first!”

A number of fellow passengers heard the exchange, and one shouted at her: “You’re no Sanjaya! You have to board like everyone else.” That, according to the source, prompted a round of laughter from the others — except Abdul.

Once boarding began, Abdul pushed her way in front of the rest of the passengers so that she did get on first, and tried to keep the seat next to her empty, telling others it was taken. Finally, a flight attendant told her she had to give up the seat because the flight was full. Abdul kept her head bowed and reportedly was “twitchy” during much of the trip.

When contacted by The Scoop about the story, Abdul’s rep chose not to comment.

Loyal readers of Felt Up know that the only thing your humble blogette loves as much as a "dance-off," a real, low-down dirty catfight, or a Mariah Carey-caliber public mental meltdown is the classic celeb line, "Don't you know who I am?" The fact that Paula said a version of this while trying to board a flying cattle-pen makes it even better! That kind of sense of entitlement and sheer hubris is really hard to muster on a Southwest flight, when the whole airline is basically one huge coach section (and thank god for the bargain prices that result!), but craaaaazy ole Paula managed to do it. Brava, Miss Abdul! Brava! However, most Southwest fliers are in no goddamn mood for these kinds of shenanigans, and you are quite lucky that you were not torn limb from limb in some kind of Day of the Locusts-style mob attack and then served to the passengers in tiny meat lumps in lieu of the usual salted peanuts.


Wheeeeeee! So famous! I'm from Mars and I flew here on my broken wing of love and famousness! Where am I? La la la la...I'm star. So famous star. From Maaaaaaaaaarrrrrrs. Straight up now tell me...Who am I be?....Emilio? Do do do you love me? Maaaaaaaaaars! Applesauce! La la la la...Randy? Wheeeeeeeeeee!

Friday, April 13, 2007

Sinner In the Hands Of An Angry God


Mug shots are awesome!

Tee-hee! Tra-la-la! Creepy Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild fame is in such deep doo-doo! From People.com:
Joe Francis is having a bad week.

Jailed in Florida for criminal contempt on Tuesday and indicted in Reno for tax evasion on Wednesday, the Girls Gone Wild creator has now been charged with bribing a jail guard for a bottle of water and possessing prescription sleeping pills in his cell, the AP reports.

According to court records in Florida, Francis offered the guard $100 for a bottle of water on Wednesday evening. When guard turned him down, Francis showed him $500, investigators said. Jail inmates are not allowed to have cash.

Supervisors then searched Francis's cell and discovered 16 prescription medications, including Lunesta – a sleeping pill – and the anti-anxiety medication lorazepam, court records show.

After learning of the new charges, Francis waived his right to a bond hearing for the contempt of court charge on which he'd been jailed, the AP reports. He wept as his mother blew him a kiss as he was led from a federal court room back to his cell.

"I didn't do anything," Francis told his parents as he was led away, according to the Panama City News Herald.

The new charges include bribing a public servant, three counts of possessing a controlled substance and five counts of introducing contraband into a detention facility.

The AP reports that Francis could face up to five years in prison for the alleged crimes, which are third-degree felonies.

On Thursday, Scott Barbour, the president of Mantra Films Inc., which produces the Girls Gone Wild videos, was arrested for supplying Francis with the pills and cash, Bay County Sheriff's Office spokeswoman Ruth Sasser told the AP. He was charged with introduction of contraband into a detention facility and is expected to appear in court on Friday.
On the one hand, my heart is not completely blackened and hardened like a nugget of coal: I do understand the need for anti-anxiety pills and sleep aids (oh, Lordy, do I ever!), especially when one is in jail. On the other hand: Yippee! Joe Francis wept in court as his mother blew him a kiss! Huzzah!

O God, please make Joe Francis go to the big house, the joint, the pen, or whatever the kids are calling it these days, for a long, looooooooooong time! Please let some large, burly inmate make a Joe Francis Is MY Girl Gone Wild videotape and release it on the internets! Pleeeeeease, God! Answer my prayers with your all-knowing wisdom! Make the universe right again!

Pleeeeeeeeeeeease!

Thursday, April 12, 2007

End Bits



Lots o' tidbits today, my peeps:

First up, right after the news that Kurt Vonnegut had died, word came that Roscoe Lee Brown has also passed away. Brown had a very recognizable stentorian voice, and was the narrator of Babe, among many other movies and tv shows, and was also a veritable renaissance man--from athletic and academic achievement to mastering the acting requirements for Shakespeare and tv shows like Soap.

Next, CNN is reporting that Don Imus has lost his CBS radio show after "Nappy-Headed-Hoes"-Gate, just one day after MSNBC announced they wouldn't simulcast his show on their tv network. As terrible as what he said was, I was kinda thinking for a bit that people have been overreacting to this--surely many other "shock jocks" have said far worse things and gotten away with it? what about free speech, etc?--but after reading this Slate piece on all the other racist/homophobic/anti-Semetic crap that has come out of Imus' mouth on the air, I now say, "Good riddance, sir! And good day. I said good day!"

And from the "It Was Horrible While It Lasted" File, Danny Bonaduce's wife, Gretchen, has finally filed for divorce. Mrs. Bondaduce--who bears a striking resemblence to the actress Christa Miller, who plays "Jordan" (aka John C. McGinley's character's wife) on Scrubs--went through god only knows what kind of hell in her marriage; witnessing a teensy portion of said union (on Breaking Bonaduce) was enough to make yours truly swear off the institution until hell freezes over or Clive Owen proposes, whichever happens first...

A few last lil' things: Matt (who, believe it or not, claims not only to not be gay but also to be married--to a woman!--and have a child) won Top Design and though I was glad to see compulsive eye-roller Carissa get beaten, mainly I--along with every other person in the world--just yawned; on the upside, Shear Genius, Bravo's hair-styling reality competition show starring Miss Jaclyn Smith that premiered right afterwards, seems much spunkier and more fun that Top Design, which may have something to do with the absolutely stellar collection of Eurotrash-y queens, weirdos, and total beyotches the producers managed to dredge up from the far corners of The Hair Universe to compete on the show. This week's challenge, which was to create Hair Art, was won by a gay who used a cute-as-can-be chest that sprung open to reveal gold-n-silver treasure in his model's hairdo. Loved it! But I'm witholding judgment on the show until a few more episodes have aired. We'll see. And finally, what in the fug has Season 2 winner of America's Next Top Model Yoanna House done to herself? Eeek!

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Dannielynn Birkhead Is A Better Name Than Gaylord Flocker, But Just Slightly



As everyone on Earth probably knows by now, Larry Birkhead has been pronounced the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby. From Court TV:
Anna Nicole Smith's former boyfriend, Larry Birkhead, announced Tuesday outside a Bahamian courthouse that DNA test results show he is the father of the model's baby daughter, Dannielynn Hope Marshall Stern.

The announcement came after a closed-session hearing with Birkhead, Smith's lawyer and live-in companion, Howard K. Stern, who also claimed to be the father, and a DNA specialist who analyzed a sample taken from Dannielynn on March 21.

Stern is named on the birth certificate as the father.

Attendees at the press conference cheered as Birkhead made the announcement and said that the results were "99.99999..." positive.

"My baby's going to be coming home pretty soon," Birkhead said, smiling broadly


I wish I could muster up even the mildest excitment about this announcement, but I just can't because a) even those of who were rooting for Zsa Zsa's crazy husband to be the surprise daddy already knew it was Birkhead, deep down inside and b) I'm getting just the teensiest bit tired of this whole thing and the way it dominates all the news networks all the damn time.

Sigh...

Hix In Stix Nix "Grindhouse"--And So Does Everyone Else

So the movie that almost every Friend of Felt Up has been eagerly anticipating for some time, Grindhouse, did reallly terribly at the box office over the weekend for some reason. The Robert Rodriguez/Quentin Tarantino "double feature" came in fourth with just $11.591 million dollars, after Blades of Glory ($23 million), Meet the Robinsons ($17.004 millio) and Are We Done Yet? ($13 million). From Defamer:

We generally reserve the above-the-jump slot for the weekend's first place finisher, but Grindhouse's shocking--shocking!--and disappointing opening (really, the situation requires that double cliché to communicate its unexpected bombiness) merits the lead slot on this Monday morning. What happened? A movie that features Rose McGowan as a one-legged go-go dancer with a combination machine gun/grenade launcher prosthesis should have been good for $15 million on its own. Perhaps the buzz was hurt somewhat when word got out that Tarantino's contribution to the double-bill opens with a unbroken, twenty-minute shot of Sydney Tamalia Poitier's naked feet perched on the dashboard of a moving car, an homage to 1978 cult film Barefoot Bunny's Road Trip to the Valley of the Toe-Suckers so obscure that audiences were sure that the rest of the movie's too-clever references would alienate them.


Barring any voodoo dolls created by Rodriguez' estranged wife after he cavorted around on set with Rose McGowan, I wonder if this is actually just another case of The Austin Curse™? The Curse used to apply only to music acts (see Sexton, Charlie, et al), but with the (weird, horrific) chart-topping hits of Los Lonely Boys and the more deserved success of Spoon, Okkervil River, ...And You Will Know Us By Trail Of Our Dead, etc etc, The Curse seems to have shifted from bands to movies.

I'm not saying every single Austin movie is doomed to commercial failure, but a great many movies filmed in or around Austin have had a tendency to stink up the box office--from Nadine to The Newton Boys to The Underneath to Hope Floats to The Alamo. Even such critically acclaimed Austin movies as The Coen Brothers' Blood Simple or Richard Linklater's Slacker or Douglas McGrath's Infamous (aka The Other Truman Capote Movie), didn't exactly set box office records, and the ones that did do well (other Rodriguez movies, especially the Spy Kids franchise, and Linklater's School of Rock, etc) tended to be made by Austin auteurs who filmed far, far away from their hometown.

Not that box office success is that important or anything, it's just...odd. Is it something in the refried beans at Tamale House? Any thoughts, fellow Austinites? Am I forgetting some homegrown movie that was a huge smash hit?

Well, Curse or no Curse, go see Grindhouse, for god's sake!

Friday, April 06, 2007

I Don't Cotton To Cotton



Fave store of Felt Up Forever 21 (aka Forever 31, aka Forever 21 Inches Too Small) has launched a new line of curiously-numeric-themed shops called Heritage 1981. I just got an email about it and excitedly clicked on the link, hoping against hope that the spin-off would cater less to the tiny pre-pubescent Asian ballerina shopper and more to the coveted Princess Plus old lady crowd. Sadly, the only difference between Heritage 1981 and Forever 21 appears to be that there are more "natural" fibers and fabrics--like 100% cotton--which means a focus on clothing with an EVEN LESS FORGIVING fit! Poly-blends, lycra, and modal are the stylishly zaftig lady's best friends! WHY DO YOU HATE US FOREVER 21?

At any rate, the only Heritage 1981 store in Texas is in Arlington.

PS
Has anyone ever noticed the biblical reference on the bottom of the Forever 21 plastic bags? Can I at least purchase low-priced, overly youthful, too-small trendy pre-teen clothing without religious indoctrination? I don't care what anyone believes--but I resent it when those beliefs are force-fed to me against my will in a retail environment. It's bad enough I have to eat my beloved Chik-Fil-A sandwiches whilst being inundated with peppy Christian music in their stand-alone locations (not to mention the fact that they are closed on Sunday, the day when you want to do two things: Go to the craft store and eat a strangely sweet fried chicken-n-pickle sandwich, and yet both Hobby Lobby and Chik-Fil-A are closed on Sundays! Boo, hiss!) and can't buy hard liquor on Sunday (the third thing every decent American wants to do), but the last thing I want shoved down my throat is a message from God on my shopping bag. Argh! I still shop there religiously, though. Ba dum dum! I'm here all week, folks! Try the veal! And Happy Easter!

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Huzzah!

Oh, thank you sweet baby Jesus in the manger! 30 Rock, the funniest show on tv (especially now that Campus Ladies has been cruelly yanked from existence by an uncaring, unfeeling Oxygen Network), has been renewed for another season! From Broadcasting & Cable.com:

NBC formally made the long-expected announcement that it will bring back rookie comedy 30 Rock for a second season.

The network is still going ahead with its plan to move the Tina Fey comedy up a half hour to Thursdays at 9 beginning April 12.

The freshman has been one of NBC’s best-lauded new shows, despite failing to capture ratings worthy of its buzz and quality. It is averaging a 2.7 rating/7 share in adults 18-49, but consistently retains more than 80% of its lead-in.

Ratings blah blah shares blah blah--all I know is we get more Kenneth The Page! YAY!



Here's a little trivia question for you: What's the hysterically bad title of the movie that is prominently displayed as a poster in Tracy Morgan's dressing room, but has never been discussed on the show? Here's a hint: It has to do with a certain kind of Asian assassin!

Answer will be posted later in the day if no one guesses correctly...

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Yes, Yet MORE Celebrity Skin!

Felt Up readers can't seem to get enough frightening Courtney Love bikini photos, so here are some more, and they are the scariest yet! Notice how Ms. Love attempts to knead and massage away the lumpy Play-Doh that is her stomach flap--you will want to look away, but you won't be able to stop yourself.

(Apologies for the logo imprinted on the photos, but I thought it was worth it.)









That last one is truly horrifying...so disturbing...it reminds me of something...oh, no. No. NO!

ZOMBIE! WAMPYRE!

THE DEAD HAVE RISEN!

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Kurt Loder: Killer Of Buzzes, Destroyer of Dreams



I'm sad to report that Keith Richards is now backing away from the already-infamous "snorted-his-dead-father's-ashes" story, thanks to needless meddling from that pesky Kurt Loder. Sigh! From MTV News:

Maybe you saw that Keith Richards item that started popping up all over the place on Tuesday (April 3) — the one about how he'd admitted to snorting the ashes of his late father after his body had been cremated? Great story, right? And yet, like so much in the world of celebrity journalism, totally untrue.

In case you missed it, this little yarn first appeared in the pages of London's notoriously unreliable New Musical Express. The magazine quoted the Rolling Stones guitarist as saying, "The strangest thing I've tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father. He was cremated and I couldn't resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn't have cared. ... It went down pretty well, and I'm still alive."

This wildly dubious quote proved irresistible to newspapers, wire services and TV and online outlets on both sides of the Atlantic, from The Associated Press to Forbes, The Drudge Report, Breitbart and E! Online. In fact, it was such a great story that nobody bothered trying to confirm it with a Richards representative — why spoil the fun with facts?

In a buzz-killing mood, though, we decided to check with Richards' longtime manager, Jane Rose. We asked her about the dad-snorting quotes in the NME interview. She responded with an e-mail:

"Said in jest," she explained. "Can't believe anyone took [it] seriously."

Damn you to hell, Kurt Loder! You've destroyed yet another generation of daydream-believers with your "buzz-killing mood." And please tell me this: When are you not killing buzzes? Isn't buzz-killing sort of your raison d'etre, like The Crypt Keeper? Boo, hiss! How many more must suffer at your hands? How many more lives will you ruin? THERE'S A WAR GOING ON, KURT LODER! WE NEEDED THIS!

The thing is, just because his manager says it was a joke, that doesn't necessarily mean it was. She might just be doing damage control for an overly-honest client. She may have had Keith brainwashed to believe he didn't actually snort his father's ashes with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Who knows what the truth is anymore? OUR LEADERS LIE TO US ALL THE TIME, SO WHY SHOULDN'T KEITH RICHARDS' MANAGER?

That's all I'm sayin'....

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

New Balance Fades





From Gawker.com:
Someone did a Joy Division sneaker for New Balance, on sale in the U.K. now. Yeah, that's how we always pictured Ian Curtis. Jogging like a prat. Maybe with some ankle weights, and a track suit! Right up until the moment he hanged himself.
Hear, hear! I heartily agree! It's an outrage and an abomination! Ian Curtis is spinning in his grave!

But I wonder when, exactly, they will be available for purchase in these United States? Just, you know, out of curiosity and whatnot...


Joy Division--Unknown Pleasures, 1979

Keith Richards On Dad: "He Was Piquant, With A Hint Of Oak and Delightful Fruity Undertones"



Duuuuuude! This one time, Keith Richards totally snorted his dad's ashes--far out! From the Associated Press:
Keith Richards has acknowledged consuming a raft of illegal substances in his time, but this may top them all.

In comments published Tuesday, the 63-year-old Rolling Stones guitarist said he had snorted his father's ashes mixed with cocaine.

"The strangest thing I've tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father," Richards was quoted as saying by British music magazine NME.

"He was cremated and I couldn't resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn't have cared," he said. "... It went down pretty well, and I'm still alive."

Richards' father, Bert, died in 2002, at 84.

Hrmmm...yes, well, I don't really have too much to say about this--it kind of speaks for itself, really--except that I wonder if somewhere out there Johnny Depp is already engaging in "character research" for "Pirates of the Caribbean IV: Dead Man's Ashes."

Correction: Less Celebrity Fat, MORE Celebrity Skin

By popular demand, here's another picture of Courtney Love prancing around Hawaii in a bikini--this time with a parrot on her shoulder--showing off her abtastic Tara Reid-esque post-liposuction mottled stomach:



Discuss!

One Thing Is Certain: There's Going To Be An Epic Song Written About This


Billy Joe and Kinky.

More info is emerging about Billy Joe Shaver's bar shooting, thanks to his attorney, who never seems to shut his piehole. From the Associated Press:

Police have issued arrest warrants for country singer Billy Joe Shaver after he shot and wounded a man outside a Texas bar, the entertainer's attorney said. After Shaver left a bar in Lorena on Saturday night, a drunk, aggressive stranger with a knife followed him into the parking lot, said attorney Joseph A. Turner of Austin. Shaver shot him in self-defense, he said.

Police in Lorena — about 80 miles north of Austin — issued arrest warrants late Monday on charges of aggravated assault and possessing a firearm in a prohibited place, Turner said.

Shaver attempted to surrender to Austin police Monday night but was not arrested because the police did not have a record of the warrants, said Turner, who accompanied Shaver.

Lorena authorities could not be reached for comment early Tuesday.

"We're working with the police to get this resolved," Turner told The Associated Press. "His priority is dealing with this issue."

The shooting occurred at 8:30 p.m. Saturday outside Papa Joe's Texas Saloon, according to Lorena police. The victim was shot in the cheek but was talking and alert afterward, police said. He was hospitalized.

Turner declined to elaborate or say whether anything occurred inside the bar between Shaver and the victim. He said Shaver did not know the man.
Poor ole Billy Joe. He tries to turn himself in after shooting some guy, and the police are flummoxed because they don't have warrants for him, let him go, and then issue warrants for his arrest. Have I ever mentioned that I hope I never get murdered in the city of Austin, because the police wouldn't be able to solve my killing unless my ghost wrote the murderer's name in red lipstick on the APD's men's room mirror?

Luckily, Texas is the state to be in if you ever shoot someone in the face in self-defence--heck, we encourage it! The gun in the barroom will be the much bigger deal, legally speaking, believe you me, unless Billy Joe's attorney can stop talking to the press long enough to present the case that the bar was Billy Joe's "workplace," which, technically speaking, it was.

Developing...

Monday, April 02, 2007

Billy Joe Shaver In Bar Shooting

From the Austin American-Statesman:

Police are questioning legendary Texas singer-songwriter Billy Joe Shaver in connection with a shooting Saturday night outside a Waco-area bar.

While Lorena police decline to comment on anything but the skeleton details of the shooting, Shaver's attorney, Austin-based Joseph Turner, told the Waco Tribune-Herald Monday his client was indeed involved. He declined to elaborate on his client's role in the shooting.


Brian K. Diggs
AMERICAN-STATESMAN

Lorena police say the shooting occurred at 8:30 p.m. Saturday outside Papa Joe's Texas Saloon, 1505 Interstate 35.

A victim was reportedly shot in the cheek but was talking and alert following the shooting. He was reported to be in stable condition at Hillcrest Baptist Medical Center on Sunday afternoon.

Witnesses at the bar told the Tribune-Herald that the shooter took off in his car.

Turner said he spent Sunday interviewing witnesses at the bar. He said witnesses told him the other man involved in the shooting was intoxicated and had a knife. Shaver did not know the man, Turner said.

Shaver, who lives in Waco, shot to country music stardom in the 70s. He's written and performed songs like "Georgia on a Fast Train," "Live Forever," and "Try and Try Again," and has recorded more than 20 albums. He's written songs for legends like Waylon Jennings, Elvis Presley and Johnny Cash.

Shaver, who's often nicknamed the "honky tonk hero," has also appeared in films and has written an autobiography.

Turner said he expected to know more from Texas Rangers late Monday.

Whew! Sounds intriguing, to say the least. If I were Billy Joe, though, I might tell my attorney to shut the hell up until all the facts are in. Loose lips sink ships!

I know I've seen him in a few movies, but to me Billy Joe's most memorable performance was his role as "Joe" in The Apostle, with Robert Duvall.

I hope all this gets cleared up fast so he can get back to his outlaw/singer-songwritin'/movie picture actin'/ honky tonkin' ways...