Thursday, March 22, 2007

The Best of Times, The Wearstler Of Times

Anyone who watches Bravo's "Top Design" is probably familiar with the following Five Stages of Reality TV Grief:

1) DENIAL: "This can't be happening to me. How could a show featuring Todd Oldham and Jonathan Adler be so lame and boring?"

2) ANGER: "How dare you do this to me, Bravo? I'm never watching another reality contest on your network ever again, bastards!"

3. BARGAINING: "Just let me get five seconds of enjoyment from this show and maybe I'll watch the new season of 'Workout.' MAYBE."

4. DEPRESSION: "I'm so sad, why bother? Perhaps I'll watch 'Lost' tonight instead!.....Oh, riiiiight. I forgot. Sigh..."

5. ACCEPTANCE: "What else do I have to do on a Wednesday night?"

But there is one glimmer of light in the dark night of our souls that is "Top Design," and that is the wee gleam of craziness in the eye of judge Kelly Werstler, who each week manages to outdo herself with the most insane hairdo and clothing choices this side of Bjork Goes To Wigstock. She's already been fugged on Go Fug Yourself for last week's 1980s-prom-gown-over-t-shirt-and-jeans-combo, and of course there was the whole When Crimping Irons Attack episode, and so on and so forth. But last night she really, really outdid herself:

Behold all the different time periods and styles she incorporates! Marvel that below the 17th century head of ginormous hair we find a Victorian mourning frock freshly stolen from Gary Oldman's wampyre costume collection in Bram Stoker's Dracula. Gasp in fright as we move on down to the '80s cinch belt and some sort of grey checkered skirt and high heels (Christian Laboutin?)

THE WOMAN IS AMAZING. If she's just trying to get attention, it's working! I can't get enough of her nutty nutjobbery! Look how weird she looks in between Jonathan Adler and the lady from Elle Decor! What are they thinking when she arrives on the set in her insane costume du jour?

Take a look at her from a different part of the show:

Guest judge Tom Colicchio is doing his best to look down and take notes and not look over at Her Royal Wackiness, else he might have a giggle fit right in her face. Doesn't she look like she wandered in from the set of some Marilyn Manson-produced remake of The Three Musketeers?

What makes her outlandishness even odder is the contrast between her sartorial splendiferousness and her flat, dead personality. She never smiles or laughs and has a habit of staring blankly at the other judges when she doesn't agree with them, which is all the time. She's like a robot--a robot that Patricia Field dressed while off her meds and/or drunk.

I really can't wait to see what she's got up her giant pouffy sleeve for next week...


Anonymous said...

Bernadette Peters and Carol Kane have been rocking that wig for decades now. She's just carrying the torch...

Aponia said...

I'm just holding my breath for the day when a contestant says "wait, you don't like my design? look at that walking disaster!"

And I'm sure the eventual nervous breakdown of Goil should be entertaining!

Anonymous said...

They fugged her again today for this very outfit. Maybe Ms. Wearstler should have HER own reality show on Bravo. I would totally watch that, as long as I was guaranteed at least 5 costume changes and 2 different hairdos per episode.

Terri R.

Phaolo said...

hey, at least we have something fun to talk about.