Monday, February 05, 2007

Pour Some Sugar On Me, Indeed



The nine other people in the world who have seen Mike Judge's "Idiocracy" will surely be horrified/titillated to see that one of the film's prophetic visions of a dumbed-down/sexed-up America is one teensy, tiny step from ALREADY COMING TRUE. For everyone who hasn't seen it yet, one of the things "Idiocracy" envisions is a future USA that has "full-release" everything, such as H&R Block "Tax Returns With Full Release" and especially Starbucks "Frappaccino With Full Release," et al. And now the LA Times reports on the so-called "sexpresso" phenomenon:
SHORELINE, WASH. — On a quick break from his job as a trash hauler, Rob Chapman was in the mood for some coffee. So he pulled his truck into the Sweet Spot Cafe, a drive-through espresso stand on busy Aurora Avenue here in the Seattle suburbs.

"Do you want a Wet Dream or the Sexual Mix today, honey?" asked barista Edie Smith, dressed in a tight-fitting yellow blouse that did a less than fully effective job of covering her cleavage. She leaned down in the window, perhaps all the closer to hear his order. He chose the first option: a coffee with white chocolate, milk and caramel sauce...

In a way, it is perhaps stunning that it took so long for entrepreneurs here to figure out that coffee, the fabled Seattle obsession, mixes very well with sex, the fabled human obsession.

But apparently it does, to judge from the growing number of steamy espresso stands that have popped up around the region in the last year or so.

At the Sweet Spot here in Shoreline, the Natte Latte in Port Orchard and the Bikini Espresso in Renton, not to mention the multi-stand Cowgirls Espresso, the term "hot coffee" has clearly taken on a whole new meaning.

Some of the "sexpresso" stands, as they are called, have proved so popular that neighbors, including adjacent businesses, have started to complain. Not that it's done much good.

"Really, there is no ordinance against scantily clad baristas," said John Urquhart, a spokesman for the Sheriff's Department in King County, which includes Seattle and most suburbs.

As long as breasts and buttocks are more or less covered, it's legal to serve coffee in a baby-doll negligee and chaps, as a barista was doing at a Cowgirls Espresso stand the other day.

"It's sort of like a Hooters for coffee," Urquhart explained. "It's not against the law. And the truth is, a lot of them are doing a land-office business."

The Sweet Spot's owner, Sarah Araujo, claims to have started the trend two years ago, after brainstorming ways to set her business apart. (A shortage of coffee places is not a problem in Seattle, so the competition is ferocious.)

Soon, the Sweet Spot was doing "theme days": Tube Top Tuesdays, Wet T-Shirt Wednesdays and Fantasy Fridays.



WARNING: CONTENTS MAY BE HOT!

I wonder if a tramp stamp is required to serve coffee at Natte Latte? (You know, your humble Felt Up blogette loves a good pun more than anyone in all decency should, but "Natte Latte" DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE! At least Dairy Queen's "Moolatte"--with which I am mildly obsessed-- is totally a pun on "mulatto," no matter what the company might claim. Racist? Yes. Horribly offensive? Definitely. Makes more sense than "Natte Latte?" Abso-effing-lutely. ARGH!) Surely we can come up with funnier "sexy" coffee shop names...how about "Udder Delights" or "Cup a' Ho" or "Coffee Bean and Fig Leaf" or just plain ole "Star*ucks"? Got a better one (and surely you do)? Leave it in the comments box!

Anywho, I am now waiting for the announcement to come any minute from the Bush White House that from now on water will only be used in the "terlets" and that Gatorade will be fed to all of our crops, because it is "what plants crave." Sigh...

3 comments:

Shannon said...

Because it has, you know, electrolytes ...

Brenna said...

What about "Hump n' Grind"?

Anonymous said...

That was the best movie ever! I have the DVD now and I dont buy DVDs very often. I wouldnt have known about it if i had not read your myspace blog ages ago. 2 kudos to you my friend. I am spreading the word of Idiocracy, but I cant talk right now...'baitin! xx erica