Friday, February 02, 2007

Francis The Talking Mule

Male skank (mank?) Joe "Girls Gone Wild" Francis went on Howard Stern's radio show recently, and being the classy gent that he is, proceeded to give the lowdown (as it were) on some of his B-List celeb sexual conquests. From I Don't Like You In That Way:
When asked who gave the better bj, Paris or Lindsay, Joe responded, "Paris," even though a few statements earlier he claimed, "Lindsey and I are just friends." When asked who was the worst in bed of all the famous chicks he's slept with (insinuated in this interview: Paris, Lindsay, Kimbo Stewart, Tara Reid) he said Tara was the worst, and when Howard asked why, he went silent again. When asked to explain why he claimed Tara was so bad, he wouldn't come out and say it, but merely mumbled, "...well I only used protection with her, so maybe that made it less pleasurable..." Howard then began asking more leading questions like, "So she just laid there?" or "Was it because she had a big smelly loose vagina?" Joe responded, "More or less, yeah." To conclude such highbrow topics, Joe stated, "Well I don't plan on having sex with Paris again, especially after seeing the medical documents on the site."

That last line refers to the Valtrex genital herpes prescription that was available for public persusal on the Paris Exposed Storage Unit of Infamy website.

Of course the most horrific aspect of the above interview is the idea that Joe Francis "only used protection" with Tara Reid and no one else. I know its an overused expression, but I really did just throw up in my mouth a little bit. SHUDDER! And frankly, if I was Tara Reid having sex with Joe Francis, I'd probably just lay there, too. Almost unconscious from extreme drunkenness. Dreaming of the sweet, sweet embrace of The Grim Reaper who might come and rescue me from enduring this living hell. ACK!

It's too bad Howard didn't ask how Kimberly Stewart, et al compared with his dildo rapist/robber/attempted extortionist, Darnell Riley...that is one of my all-time favorite Hollywood stories ever. "Boys Gone Wild," indeed!

1 comment:

porkmuffin said...

ugh. all of those people make me throw up in my mouth. they all need to die in a giant herpetic fire ball of doom and end-of-days.