Wednesday, February 28, 2007

If It's About Morbid Obesity, I Am Totally There

Did you know thatGil Gerard, star of the late '70s tv show "Buck Rogers in the 25th Century," has had a lifelong problem with his weight and he got up to 350 pounds and that there is a show on Discovery Health right this very second called "Action Hero Makeover" chronicling his decision to undergo gastric bypass surgery? It's riveting!


From X17, via The WOW Report, here's Courtney Love's Oscar night look:

I'm speechless. I'm without speech. Also a little lightheaded...

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

No Fun

I know that each and every one of you woke up this morning with one question on your feverish mind: "Did my humble Felt Up blogette manage to get her greedy paws on a South By Southwest wristband?" The answer, dear, concerned readers is YES--thanks to Friend of Felt Up TrAngela, who stood in line for many an hour--while looking fabulous--so that we could each spend one hundred and thirty big ones on a tiny piece of plastic. Huzzah!

While I'm on the subject of SXSW, I would like to point out the total insanity of the re-formed Iggy & The Stooges performing a free day show inside Waterloo Records during the festival (Friday at 6 pm). What's next? The Rolling Stones? The re-formed Beatles featuring the ghosts of John Lennon and George Harrison? A special audience with Jesus H. Christ? IT WILL BE INSANE. I get the heebie-jeebies just thinking about the crowd situation. It's going to be bad enough at the official Stooges concert at Stubb's--which is outside and enormous! Anyone wanting to see this historic day show should turn off their computer right this instant and leave immediately for Waterloo to begin waiting. Bring a blankie.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Semi-Liveblogging The Oscars

Why didn't they include Chris Penn in the Parade of Death? He died in January, 2006...Did they include him in last year's Oscars and I don't remember it?

Philip Seymour Hoffman has craaaazy hair. Best Actress goes to--do I even need to say it? Judi Dench didn't even show up...she knew what was up.

Clive Owen is sitting next to Helen Mirren's husband, Taylor Hackford. If I were Helen Mirren, I'd start using that Oscar's power to get into some naughty shenanigans with Clive before the evening's done...

Reese Withersoon looking pretty...although she could use some gloss or something on her lips...Best Actor goes to...Forrest Whitaker. God his wife is beautiful. I loooooove Forrest, especially his wonky eye, but I was kind of secretly hoping for Peter O'Toole. I think Catherine Deneuve is trying to smoke a cigarette.

Francis Ford Coppola, Stephen Spielberg, and George Lucas's chin are giving out Best Director, which goes to...Martin Scorsese! Standing o! Everyone is hooting and hollering and going nuts! Nice speech, he's talking fastfastfast as usual, but it seems to make sense and he remembers to thank his wife...

Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson are giving out Best Picture...her waist is tiny. She looks great. I think she's had some tasteful work done...I like her hair....Jack has a shaved head and looks kind of Lex Luthorish...Diane seems pretty nuutttty..she's yelling out the names and making weird hand gestures...the winner is: "The Departed." Huzzah!

I'm going back to the "SVU" marathon now...

Semi-Liveblogging The Oscars

Celine Dion is single-handedly ruining one of my favorite soundtracks of all time--Ennio Morricone's "Once Upon a Time In America"--by singing some horrible schmaltzy lyrics that have turned it into a carbon copy of whatever that crappy "Titanic" song was. Bleh.

Apparently, Ennio only speaks Italian and they're showing Gwyneth Paltrow in the audience smiling smugly because she speaks every language on earth and is superior to everyone. God, I hate her.

Terri R. is right--Penelope Cruz has funny ears. Hugh Jackman is tall. And so much less appealing when not in his "Wolverine" make-up.

Tobey Maguire must be a midget, because he's the exact same height as Kirsten Dunst, and she's a teensy tiny wee elfin sprite.

J. Lo is still doing her Grecian Goddess/Liz Taylor Circa 1971 thing. They're doing a "Dreamgirls" medley. Beyonce should get an honorary Academy Award right now for smiling every time she looks over at Jennifer Hudson. Also Beyonce's wigmaker should get some kind of special Achievement in Weave Oscar. Jennifer Hudson's stylist should have hidden her bra better, you can totally see it sticking out of her dress' cups. Hey, there was a third Dream Girl! Who knew?

O dear god, it's the second gospel choir of the night.

Hey, it's two queens! Latifah and Travolta! Best Song goes to...Melissa Etheridge for "An Inconvenient Truth," and she just kissed her wife on the mouth. Whoo hoo! Take that red states! I thought the wife was Natalie Maines at first....wouldn't that send certain people into a complete hissy fit? HA! Good for you, Ms. Etheridge. Short-n-sweet speech, too.

Semi-Liveblogging The Oscars

Sorry, peeps. I was totally going to liveblog the Oscars tonigt---look, I even made a nifty lil' logo:

But I'm sick as a dog, dawgs. I am missing the Academy Awards viewing party with Friends of Felt Up, and thus am not eating homemade queso and tacos, nor am I getting snockered on boozey lime drinks--you know your humble Felt Up blogette is illin' when she passes up the good times.

So I will just pop in here and there with some observations from my Bed o' Languish. First of all, so far this is the dullest Academy Awards ever. The highlights up to this point have been Alan Arkin's suprise win, Catherine Deneuve in her awesome knife-with-dripping-blood dress and the sight of Clive Owen and Daniel Craig brooding darkly in person. The dancers behind the screen are embarrasing, like a poor man's Cirque du Soleil. Also, I hear there was a Corgi onstage at one point, but I've been so bored that I've taken to flipping back and forth with the "Law and Order: SVU" marathon and missed it.

And the Best Supporting Actress goes to...Jennifer Hudson. I'm glad for her, but you know--YAWN. Ha! The backstage cam just showed her ignoring George Clooney as he tried to give her envelope.

Nicole Kidman is The Undead.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Hustle and Blow

Ladies and gays, I have some horrible news: Terence Howard is dating Naomi Campbell. From the NY Daily News' "Gatecrasher":
It seems things are getting serious between Terrence Howard and Naomi Campbell.

You read here that he was by Naomi's side when Diddy angrily confronted her at Jermaine Dupri's post-Grammy party Feb. 11.

Now a source tells me the two plan to "come out" as a couple on Oscars night.

"Naomi's new main squeeze is Terrence," says the snitch. "They are making their debut as a couple this weekend and will attend all the Oscar parties together."

Howard was nominated for a Best Actor Academy Award last year, for his role in "Hustle & Flow," but lost to Philip Seymour Hoffman in "Capote."

O Lord, why can't he just be gay like every other actor on earth? Why does he have to be "getting serious" with that horrible, horrible woman? I mean, as a figure of gossip, she is stupendous: Nasty, mean, abusive, violent, egomaniacal. But as a girlfriend for Terence "HAS ANYONE SEEN THE PREVIEWS FOR HIS 1970S BLACK SWIM TEAM MOVIE WHERE HE APPEARS IN A SPEEDO?" Howard? I mean, I knew he was a teensy bit nutsy (all part of his appeal!), but Naomi Campbell? She is physically the most perfect specimen of womanhood alive, but her heart is a shrivelled, blackened lump of coal.


Thursday, February 22, 2007

Judging Larry

Well, the good news is that Anna Nicole Smiths's rapidly-deteriorating corpse finally has a destination for burial; the bad news is that the judge who is overseeing all this madness seems to be quite the nutty nutball himself; the worse news is that this is just the tip o' the crazy iceberg, people. From CNN:
Custody of the body of former centerfold Anna Nicole Smith was awarded Thursday to the guardian for her 5-month-old daughter, Dannielynn, by Broward Circuit Judge Larry Seidlin.

Seidlin directed the guardian -- Richard Milstein -- to consult with the three other parties who had sought the body: Howard K. Stern, Smith's partner and lawyer at the time of her death; Larry Birkhead, Smith's former boyfriend; and Virgie Arthur, Smith's mother.

Smith died February 8 in a Florida hotel, but the cause is still unknown.

Stern and Birkhead said Thursday Smith's body will be returned to the Bahamas and buried alongside that of her son, Daniel, who died of apparent drug-related causes last year.

"I'm very grateful that Anna Nicole's wishes are going to be carried out," Stern said.

Arthur wanted to bring Smith home to her native Texas. Birkhead had testified earlier that he was not sure what should be done with the body.

Seidlin made no secret of his wishes: "I want her buried with her son in the Bahamas," he told a stunned courtroom. "I want them to be together."

The decision capped several days of unusual courtroom proceedings that touched on child custody and paternity, though the issue at hand was limited to the disposition of Smith's body.

Before ruling, Seidlin told the parties in the case, "I feel for you, I absolutely feel for you."

"I've reviewed absolutely everything. I've suffered with this," Seidlin said.

He addressed Smith's mother several times as "mama" and told her and the others he was trying to reach an equitable decision.

Apparently, besides "suffering" with this difficult decision, calling Virgie Arthur "mama" during the hearing and her lawyer "Texas," and in general behaving like a buffoon, Judge Larry also "sobbed" as he read his decision and was described as being extremely "emotional."

Naturally, Anna Nicole's mother immediately filed an appeal to have the decision overturned, but the powers that be seem to think that appeal will be dismissed in short order. One can only hope the air conditioning in the Broward County Medical Examiner's office is top notch...

This is the first I've heard about Dannielynn having a guardian who wasn't a nurse or babysitter or a wife of a disgraced former Bahamian immigration minister, and now he's in charge of Anna Nicole's body, too. Who is this person named Richard Milstein, and what is his story? Is he a manny? Anyone know?

The other odd thing is that Larry Birkhead and Howard K. Stern are kind of presenting a united front on this burial issue, even though Birkhead didn't seem to know what to do with the corpse earlier in the hearing. Maybe everyone who knew Anna Nicole thought she--like everyone else--would rather be anywhere on earth rather than Mexia, Texas for all eternity? Or that since she practically (and some say literally) threw herself into her son Daniel's casket, the next best thing to her being buried with him was to be buried near him?

It is all such a danse macabre, man. Stay tuned for the exhausting shenanigans as they occur...


This blind item from Page Six is so transparent that it doesn't merit a Guessing Game or funny rhyming names:
WHICH consort pimped out his girlfriend? He kept her on drugs and collected a fee every time she had sex with yet another man.
I'm pretty certain that Page Six is referring to Howard K. Stern and Anna Nicole Smith. This case just gets more depressing by the minute...

Court TV Weeps Bitter Tears

All righty, then! The non-news is flying fast-n-furious! Mere seconds after completing the last post, word comes in that the emergency custody hearing over Britney Spears' kids has been cancelled--so Britney can re-enter rehab. From TMZ:
TMZ has confirmed Britney Spears is back in rehab.

We're told the singer is hoping three times is a charm. The emergency custody hearing that Kevin Federline wanted has been cancelled because of the new development. There will be no custody hearing today.

Sources tell TMZ Federline is concerned for Spears' welfare and wants her to get the help she is now seeking. We're also told this will be Spears' last chance -- if she leaves rehab before getting full treatment, Federline will immediately go to court seeking orders allowing him unquestioned full custody of the children.

We're told Spears showed up at Federline's house to see the children last night and he wouldn't let her in.

Sources say the kids are now in the custody of Federline, and have been since last week.

TMZ has just confirmed Spears' inpatient rehab program is supposed to last between 30 and 45 days.

Dude, I can barely keep up with all this crap! And I am suddenly filled with something akin to respect for K-Fed! What is happening to me?

Court TV Is Peeing Its Pants!

The Associated Press is reporting that K-Fed has been granted an emrergency hearing with a judge to discuss his soon-to-be-ex-wife Britney Spears' possible child-rearing deficiencies:
As Britney Spears was reportedly checking out of a drug rehabilitation center for the second time in a week, her estranged husband was making plans to go to court amid a custody dispute over their two children.

Kevin Federline and his lawyer were scheduled to appear at a downtown courthouse Thursday for an emergency hearing, Superior Court spokesman Allan Parachini told The Associated Press.

"Our best information is he will be here; she won't," said Parachini. "But anything is possible."

It was not known what issue Federline planned to raise.

Gee, I can think of a few issues he might be planning to raise...

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Broken Promises?

Oh, lordy. "Entertainment Tonight"'s website is reporting that Britney Spears has checked herself out of rehab--again:
Sources tell ET that BRITNEY SPEARS left Promises residential treatment center in Malibu, CA early this morning -- less than 24 hours after checking into the facility...

This shocking move comes on the heels of People magazine's report that last week the singer checked in and abruptly checked out of ERIC CLAPTON's Crossroads Centre, a rehab facility in Antigua, leaving after just one day and returning to Southern California on Friday.

I would say "this is getting ridiculous," except Britney became 100% ridiculous a few years ago. Of course, this story could be completely untrue and right this very second Britney is vomiting like crazy and being forced to mop bathrooms just like the movie 28 Days starring Sandra Bullock, but somehow I don't think so. I have the feeling she is, instead, on her way to the nearest tattoo parlor to get a deeply meaningful teensy tattoo of a pink teddy bear on her other wrist to commemorate her second trip to rehab; afterwards, she will go directly to her new favorite wig shop to buy a ginormous blonde afro; then after a quick stop at 7-11 for her usual repast of Cheetos and Red Bull (mixed with vodka, ya'll!), she'll just slather on some zit cover-up, shimmy into a skintight hooker outfit, shed her underpants, and will be ready to hit any Hollywood night club where there is the faintest glimmer of a chance of her being able to stalk Justin Timberlake.

This girl is filling me with dread...tinged with glee.

UPDATE: Can I call it or can I call it?
"EXTRA" is reporting that Spears tried to get into a tattoo parlor before going home but it was closed.
There's no joy in being right about these things...

Weeellll, I have to admit there is some joy in it.

Oh, who am I kidding? It's awesome! I'mrightI'mrightI'mright! Go Felt Up, it's your birthday, we're gonna party like it's your birthday...

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Gallo's Humor

Just a lil' heads up: Even those of you who, like me, are kind of meh on Courteney Cox's show "Dirt" might want to tune in next week, when Vincent Gallo plays a washed-up former child star who storms the tabloid magazine's headquarters and holds everyone hostage with a gun.
Has he finally gone over the edge? Is it just a publicity stunt? Am I talking about the tv show or Vincent Gallo? I'M NOT SURE.

Wigging Out, Checking In

Britney Spears is back in rehab! Huzzah, ya'll!

From People:
Britney Spears has entered rehab, the singer's manager Larry Rudolph, confirms to PEOPLE.

"Britney Spears has voluntarily checked herself into an undisclosed rehab facility today," Rudolph says in a statement. "We ask that the media respect her privacy as well as those of her family and friends at this time."

The latest news caps off a wild holiday weekend for the pop star, who shaved her head, got two new tattoos and was spotted partying in West Hollywood over the last several days.

Last week Spears, 25, visited Eric Clapton's Crossroads Centre in Antigua but left after just one day and headed to Florida, a source told PEOPLE on Friday.

No word on whether or not Brit was wearing her Carol Channing/JT Leroy wig when she went in, but I choose to believe she was and then was immediately taken down in a chokehold by rehab staff members under the orders of her mother, who shrieked "Get that tacky wig offa my lil' baby, ya'll! If you have to, USE THE GODDAMN TAZER!" at the orderlies. Also no word on whether or not this is a real, actual rehab or one of those waltz in-waltz out-keep on drinkin' Lindsay Lohan in Wonderland-type rehabs. The way Brit has been carrying on lately, she should thank her lucky stars she isn't trapped in a Frances Farmer-esque snake pit getting her bald noggin electrshocked...

Monday, February 19, 2007

Smug Alert!

I do so hate to gloat and smirk, but if you could've seen the look on my face when I read this fascinating article chronicling the trials and tribulations of that guy who won that reality show I used to watch in New York magazine, it might have looked something like this:

Best quote in the piece:
His first post-Runway deal? Not exactly Marc Jacobs for LVMH. “I’m almost afraid to admit what I’m doing,” he says, “but it’s costumes for a movie. It’s a live-action movie for the Bratz.” Those slutty dolls? “Yeah, those slutty dolls.”

Tee-hee-hee! Tra-la-la!

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Something Wild

Say it ain't so, Ray! Felt Up Crush Emeritus Ray Liotta has been busted for DUI. From the Associated Press:
Actor Ray Liotta was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence after crashing his car into two parked vehicles in Pacific Palisades, authorities said.

Liotta, 52, was taken into custody just before 8:30 p.m. Saturday and booked on a misdemeanor DUI charge, said Los Angeles Police spokesman Mike Lopez.

He was released after posting $15,000 bail and ordered to appear in court next month, Lopez said.

What a bummer, man. It's only fun when creeps like Nicole Richie do this crap. At least no one was hurt, I guess.


Saturday, February 17, 2007

Nothing Compares 2 U, Britney!

(photo via perezhilton)

Britney Spears
has gone all bald-headed, ya'll!

CNN reports that she showed up at a tattoo parlor in Sherman Oaks, California with a completely shaved head--but did not get a head tattoo, which would have been totally insane and awesome. Instead, she got a "dainty" tattoo of red lips on her wrist, naturellement.

So far, there has been no explanation for her Sinead hair-do. Mayber her ratty ole weave caused some kind of fungus or mange? Stay tuned!

UPDATE: X17 has posted some pictures of Britney mid-shave, and report that:
Britney went to a hair salon on Ventura Blvd in the San Fernando Valley. Apparently she had called someone from the salon, which was closed, to come back and open the doors just for her. Our photographers say she was crying in the car for ten minutes before she went inside -- you can even see wet tear stains on her sweatshirt. She then went inside and did the deed herself -- picking up the shears and shaving her head.

And Star has an eyewitness account:
"She said she was tired of having things plugged into it," said eyewitness Emily Wynne-Hughes, apparently referring to her hair extensions. "She looked distraught and disturbed"....

Emily said Britney was "scatterbrained" and said she "wanted people to stop touching her." Another witness added Britney "looks like she's having an issue right now."
Well, when Britney gets wacky she doesn't eff around, I'll say that for her. I wonder if she was upset at all the Anna Nicole Death Circus news knocking her out of the public eye for five minutes?

UPDATE #2: Just can't get enough Bald Britney? JustJared posted video from the original local ABC "news" report:

Friday, February 16, 2007

Hair 'Em Scare 'Em

(mugshot via TMZ)

You may have already heard that convicted manicurist-abuser Foxy Brown was arrested in Florida after causing a ruckus in a beauty supply store. But the story in all its delicious glory must be read in full to really savor its fabulosity. So, from the Miami Herald, I bring you HAIRGLUEGATE '07:
It could be back to anger management for Foxy Brown.

Police say the rapper was hauled to the Broward County jail Thursday night after squirting hair glue at a beauty store owner, swearing and spitting at him, knocking over display shelves and tussling with an officer.

The charges: battery and resisting an officer -- with violence.

According to her rap sheet, it's not her first violent confrontation with a beauty professional.

Thursday's alleged smackdown happened at Queen Beauty Supply, 12105 Pembroke Rd. in Pembroke Pines. Police and the owner gave this blow by blow:

Brown showed up just before closing with a female companion, wearing a neon green jacket, jean miniskirt and knee-high stiletto boots.

She bought a squirt bottle of hair glue, then went to the bathroom at the rear of the store to apply it.

But it was closing time. Hayssam Ghoneim, the proprietor, knocked on the bathroom door and told her it was lights out.

No answer. He knocked again and became more insistent. The rapper indicated she wasn't finished with the hair glue.

'I said to her, `This is not a beauty salon. You need to leave. The store is closed,' '' Ghoneim recalled.

He said she opened the door and he grabbed it. She tried to push him out of the way, and then, spewing profanities, tried to squirt him with the glue.

She missed, but managed to get the glue all over the floor.

Brown then knocked over two display shelves of spray bottles and ''was throwing everything in sight.'' Ghoneim said. ``I was afraid it was going to get out of hand.''

According to Ghoneim, Brown declared: ``I'm going to send some guys to hurt you and the store. You're in big trouble.''

She spit on the floor and the store owner before leaving.

Roughly three minutes later, Ghoneim said, he heard loud screaming and cursing in the parking lot. He believes that was the arrest.

According to the police report, the responding officer encountered Brown in the shopping plaza and tried to get her to return to the store. Brown refused.

When the officer placed a hand on Brown's arm to escort her to the store, Brown swatted it away, then started swinging her arms and struggling with the officer. The officer had to ''utilize a takedown maneuver to gain control'' of Brown, according to the report.

There were no injuries.

Isn't that delightful? I feel for Foxy. When a bitch's wig gotta be glued, it's gotta be glued, after all. Especially when one is a SUPERSTAR of Foxy Brown's caliber. On the other hand, as a retail store owner myself, I also understand Mr. Ghoneim's pain. There are few things more aggravating than not being able to close up shop and go home when it is time. However, if I was in the same position--and knowing what I know of Foxy's past history of violence when in the presence of beauty products--I would probably let her take all the time she needed. But that's just me.

I wonder what "takedown maneuver" was used on Foxy? Did it involve a chokehold and/or tazer?

So, so awesome...

Mr. Hayssam Ghoneim holds the incriminating hair glue.
(via Miami Herald)

Like, Ohmigaw--Rehab Is Too Hard, Ya'll!

TMZ is reporting that before "Extra" could even get its "Britney Checks Into Rehab!" story on the air, La Spears has already checked out of rehab:
As "EXTRA" first reported, the pop star entered a rehab facility two days ago. Now TMZ has learned that the center was located outside of the country, and she refused to stay.

TMZ is told that Britney checked in at the urging of friends and family, after being seen intoxicated in public places and was so "exhausted" on New Year's Eve she collapsed.

According to TMZ sources, Britney is on her way back to Los Angeles.

A rep for Britney could not immediately be reached for comment.

Britney's reps "could not immediately be reached for comment" because they are running around berserk like chickens with their heads cut off, frantically trying to come up with some way to spin this "she's-getting-help-oh-wait-no-she's-not" story in some halfway positive-sounding way. Good luck with that, flacks! That's why you get paid the big bucks!

Oh, to have been a fly on the wall when Britney first realized that "rum-n-Gatorade" wasn't on the rehab menu that day!

Thursday, February 15, 2007

They Had Faces Then

Since there is no new Anna Nicole Death Circus news today (she's still dead! and still not buried!), I thought we could all use a little cleansing bit o' fun to clear the palette, so to speak. Like a sorbet or a nut platter. Mmmm...nut platter.

Anyway, here's a new game I like to call:

In this delightful time-killer, I'll post a picture of a celebrity (or near-celebrity) with one of their former faces--pre-surgery, pre-Botox, pre-Restylane, etc. and you try to figure out who they are!

Guess who this lady is, if you dare:

Can't for the life of you imagine who this might be? Here's a hint: As much as I wish it were true, sadly IT'S NOT HALLE BERRY.

The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind, the answer is blowin' in the wind. And, uh, it's also right here.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

You're Never Too Young For Heroin Chic

Ready for the latest "revelation" about Anna Nicole Smith's sordid life and death?

Yeah, me neither, but what else have we got?

Weeeeeeeeeellll, it seems that back in December, Anna Nicole's nanny wrote an affidavit saying that she was quitting her job because Anna Nicole wanted her to deliberately underfeed Dannielynn so that the baby could be "sexy." Yes, that's right, the lady says that Anna Nicole wanted a hott-n-sexy skinny baby. Oh, and also Anna Nicole tried to commit suicide a couple of times and was romping around with that Immigration Minister of Infamy. Yadda, yadda, yadda. From
TMZ has obtained an explosive legal document written by Anna Nicole Smith's former nanny, which contains shocking accusations about her former boss, including suicide attempts, sex romps, and a claim that Smith dangerously starved Dannielynn because "She wanted her baby to be 'sexy'."

According to the sworn affidavit written in the Bahamas on December 4, 2006, Quethlie Alexis claims she received repeated threats from Smith, aka Vickie Marshall, to "underfeed" Dannielynn because, "Ms. Marshall was obsessed with making sure that her baby was 'sexy.' Ms. Marshall knew that the correct amount of baby food was 3 ounces every 3 hours ... Ms. Marshall insisted that the maximum I was to give was 2.5 ounces." Alexis claims that Smith enforced the order by "making sure the baby monitor was kept on all the time." Alexis adds Dannielynn "is badly underweight and not thriving, as a baby should."

According to the document, Alexis says that Smith threatened to "shoot her" if the baby ever addressed the nanny as "Mummy."

In the document, Alexis also claims that during her brief employment, Smith "attempted to commit suicide" on two separate occasions. "On the first occasion, she drank in my presence an entire bottle of what I believed to be a sleeping aid." Alexis claims that when Smith woke up from the resulting 48-hour coma, she blurted out the words "I wanted to die ... I meant to kill myself."

According to the documents, Alexis claims that Smith also "tried to drown herself" in her swimming pool. Alexis claims that Howard K. Stern rescued Smith from the pool. Alexis claims she heard Stern say to Smith after the rescue, "If anything happens to you, I would go to jail."

The document also describes the "flagrant sexual relationship" between Smith and the Bahamian Minister of Immigration, Shane Gibson. According to the affidavit, Alexis never witnessed Gibson and Smith having sex, but the former nanny claims the minister would, "spend hours alone with Ms. Marshall in her bedroom" on a "daily basis."
OK, if this was going on why didn't the nanny report Anna Nicole to child protective services or the police? The only thing going for the nanny is that this was written well before Anna died, but it is still rather suspicious, to say the least. Oh, who the hell knows what is true in this cavalcade of crazy?

I can see a whole line of Larry Birkhead-endorsed onesies emblazoned with "I'm Too Sexy For My Crib" or bibs with "I'm Too Sexy For My Bib" that will both criticize the idea of sexy babies and make money off of it. He could bring one (perhaps worn on a stunt baby hired for the day?) to the paternity hearings...

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Denk's For The Memories

Add Anna Nicole's former bodyguard/alleged boy-toy Alexander Denk to the list of people/frozen sperm donors who might be the father of her baby Dannielynn. According to trashtacular celeb tv show "Extra":
He claims to be Anna Nicole's secret lover, and now, in this “Extra” world exclusive, a heartbroken Alexander Denk drops a bombshell about Baby Dannielynn’s real father and Anna’s secret medical condition that may have caused her death.

“She told me everything,” Denk told us. “She told me things no one else knows.”

Denk, who was Anna Nicole's bodyguard for two years, first met the supermodel when he was cast as the chef on "The Anna Nicole Show.”

“I think it was an instant spark, and I think for her it was the same,” he said.

Denk claims he and Anna had a passionate love affair that lasted for two years.

“She was wonderful,” he insisted. “A very sensitive and emotional woman. A very good kisser, I must say.”

But Alexander told “Extra” that he knew Anna was in trouble the last time he talked to her two weeks ago, a conversation that now haunts him.

“She was sick of being called names,” he said. “Everyone was bashing on her and calling her names and putting her down and suing her.”

Now, only on “Extra,” Denk breaks this stunning secret about Anna's health that could affect the investigation into her death. He claims the reality TV star suffered from life threatening seizures, for which she was on medication.

But Denk does not believe drugs were to blame for Anna Nicole’s death.

“My opinion, I don’t think so,” he told us. “I think she was exhausted.”

Then, Denk dropped the baby bombshell we never saw coming. When asked if Smith ever revealed to him the real father of Dannielynn, Denk responded, “She always told me she wanted to have her kids with me.”

So is there a possibility Denk is Dannielynn’s father?

“There’s always a possibility,” he insisted.

Oh, lordy. Dude, there's always a possibility that every creepy,money-grubbing, publicity hog douche on the planet is the baby's father.

But wait, there's less! A scandal has broken out in the Bahamas after photos surfaced of Anna Nicole canoodling with the Immigration Minister--who also might have been taking care of Dannielynn during Anna Nicole's trip to Florida. From the National Ledger:

In the continuing saga of Anna Nicole Smith’s death a Bahamian newspaper published two photographs on its front page of Anna Nicole in bed with the Bahamian immigration minister, Shane Gibson. According to reports this is the same guy who approved her application for permanent residency. TMZ first posted the pictures online and although both appear to be fully dressed the pictures are causing quite a media buzz.

Anna Nicole Smith Bahamas Scandal: Bedroom Photos Raise Questions (Image: Tribune of Nassau)
Anna Nicole Smith Bahamas Scandal: Bedroom Photos Raise Questions (Image: Tribune of Nassau)

A political scandal broke when opposition lawmakers accused Gibson of showing Smith preferential treatment by fast-tracking her request for permanent residency. He came under more scrutiny when G. Ben Thompson -- a developer from Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, who had dated Smith -- said he owned the house she used as the basis for her residency application. Now one can’t help but wonder exactly what was going on in the Bahams and did Anna Nicole receive ‘special’ treatment...

In yet another twist of events surrounding the Anna Nicole Smith story, it appears Dannielynn, the young daughter of Anna Nicole, was left in the care the family of Bahamian Immigration Minister Shane Gibson, during her trip to Florida.

It was reported on Friday the day after her death that a black pickup carried a crib and an infant's car seat from the Bahamas mansion Smith had been living in to Gibson's mother's house. When the unidentified driver spotted a reporter, he sped away. Gibson's mother would not come to the door of the house. Later, a crying baby could be heard inside the house. Gibson did not return calls seeking comment.

I cannot fathom how totally effed up and complicated this woman's life was. I'm having a hard time following all this. As The Dude said, this case has a lot of ins, a lot of outs--and new shit is coming to light all the time!

My head hurts.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

He's So Fiennes

Well this is a nice distraction from the Anna Nicole Death Circus. Australia's is reporting that:

A QANTAS flight attendant faces the sack after being accused of having sex with British actor Ralph Fiennes in an aircraft toilet while flying from Australia to India.

Sydney-based Lisa Robertson, 38, met the star of The English Patient while working in the business-class cabin on flight QF 123 from Darwin to Mumbai on January 24.

In a confidential report to Qantas management obtained by The Sunday Telegraph, Ms Robertson is accused of chatting to Fiennes during the flight and being seen exiting the same toilet moments apart.

She claims Fiennes, 44, became "amorous" towards her in the toilet...

Qantas staff who were aware of the incident said last night the couple were caught after crew members waited outside the toilet.

In a statement lodged with her employer, Ms Robertson denied the allegations...

"While conversing with Mr Fiennes during my break, I expressed a need to go to the toilet," Ms Robertson said in her statement.

"I went to the nearby toilet and entered it, he followed me and entered the same toilet.

"I explained to him that this was inappropriate and asked him to leave. Mr Fiennes became amorous towards me and, after a short period of time, I convinced him to leave the toilet, which he did.

"I left the toilet a short time later. At no time did any crew member come to my assistance.

"At no time were any other customers aware of this incident. At no time did I put the Qantas name or reputation in jeopardy."

Oh, you naughty, naughty boy, Ralphie! Cornering a comely flight attendant in the airplane toilet and becoming "amorous" towards her--oh, behave! (Don't ask me why I have turned into Austin Powers. It's something that comes over me every now and then when discussing British folk.)

Anyway, Ralph is always so surprising--first he falls for the older lady who played his mother in Hamlet, then he cheats on her with a younger Romanian singer, and now he's the palest member of The Mile High Club. Who knew?

Saturday, February 10, 2007

The Seed And The Damage Done

The craaaaazy circus around Anna Nicole Smith's death just gets curioser and curioser with each passing moment. By now, most people know that Zsa Zsa Gabor's current husband (#8!), Prince Frederic von Anhalt (I saw on CNN that he bought his title and also sells them in Hollywood), is claiming to be baby Dannielynn's father, but now the NY Daily News says Anna Nicole's sister Donna Hogan is telling anyone who will listen that Anna Nicole froze the sperm of her late husband J. Howard Marshall to conceive the baby in a bid to firm up her claim to his estate:
Anna Nicole Smith's death became even more bizarre than her life yesterday as a series of bombshell revelations uncovered an ever-growing web of sexual intrigue - including the startling claim that her late billionaire husband may be the father of her infant daughter.

The stunning disclosure comes in a no-holds-barred manuscript written by her half-sister Donna Hogan obtained exclusively by the Daily News.

Hogan alleges that her sister froze the sperm of 90-year-old J. Howard Marshall years ago, and believes she may have used it to become pregnant...

Hogan says: "I wouldn't be shocked at all if it's J. Howard's. She saved his sperm after all and that maybe [sic] her trump card in her fight to get the old man's estate."

Classy Donna Hogan has a lot of nasty things to say about how Anna Nicole treated her husband while he was alive. If you want to read all the depressingly sordid claims, go here. Personallly, I wish people--especially her relatives--could at least wait until her body has been laid to rest before they come out with the trashy "revelations" about her life. Like say, Anna Nicole's mother Virgie Arthur, who is now on her way to the Bahamas to get her claws on Dannielynn--whom she had never met before--after she spent some quality time blabbing about Anna Nicole's drug habit to any television camera she could find, that is.

Plus we've got z-list celebs like human freak show Joanie "Chyna" Laurer doing stuff like this:
Joanie Laurer (aka Chyna Doll who used to be Chyna on the WWF) broke down in tears last night on "Larry King Live" as she talked about her "friend" Anna Nicole Smith who she met while filming her last film Illegal Aliens. And to make things even weirder, a spokesperson for Trimspa kept interrupting her saying Anna Nicole told her that Chyna was "a stalker" and not her friend.

(quote-n-photos via The Superficial)

Then we've got Angel of Death Howard K. Stern, who, when he wasn't sobbing hysterically about being "forever wounded," was talking to "Entertainment Tonight" one day after his "wife"'s death; ET is reporting that Anna Nicole did indeed have a will and it named her son Daniel as her sole heir (the will was written before his death) and named Stern as the executor of her estate. How this will complicate the clusterf**ck around her baby's inheritance I have no idea, but it all sounds very dubious and shady to me.

This thing is exhausting me! Every time I turn around, some new twist emerges to blow my mind...Stay tuned, if you can bear it.

Friday, February 09, 2007

Baby Daddy?

Janet Charlton
shares a pretty shocking rumor on her site today about the Anna Nicole Smith story:
Our Hollywood, Florida source visited the Hard Rock Hotel today and picked up a little information about Anna Nicole's time there. Hotel sources say that when Anna arrived a few days ago she was "out of it" and slurring her words and she stayed that way during her visit. Also it seemed that Anna was REALLY dreading the court ordered blood test for her baby - and her reasons might be far more complicated that we assumed. Someone actually speculated that the baby might not have been fathered by either Larry Birkhead OR Howard Stern. Keep in mind this is pure speculation, but this person implied that the baby could have been fathered by someone very close to Anna - someone like her own son Daniel. It's a horrible thought, but remember, Anna lived in a different world than most of us. Hopefully, the eventual blood test will prove this rumor wrong.
WHOA! That is some effed up s**t, man! I, too, hope the blood test proves this theory wrong, but if it doesn't...I don't know. Anna certainly did live "in a different world than most of us," and while it's horrible to contemplate,I'm sure it's a more common phenomenon than one would think. This case is just getting craaaazier and craaaaazier by the minute!

Also, CNN is reporting that a large amount of prescription drugs were found in her hotel room (what a shock!):
Authorities investigating Smith's death retrieved a "large amount" of prescription medicine from her hotel room, law enforcement sources familiar with the investigation said. The sources did not characterize any of the drugs as illegal.
There has been rampant speculation on the interweb that the drugs they found were both legal and illegal, and though this seems to clear up that aspect of the situation, it's still possible more or different information will come out, because this whole case is so nutsy and everyone involved is running around like chickens with their heads cut off.

Developing story--check back for more details as they emerge!

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Anna Nicole Smith Dead At 39

Jeez, you step away from your computer for a teensy bit to get some work done and all hell breaks loose! Thanks to the flurry of phone calls (and emails which I just read) from a multitude of eager beaver Friends of Felt Up, I was made aware of the death of Anna Nicole Smith almost immediately--but just now got to my Mac! AAAAAAH!

Here's what CNN is saying as of five seconds ago:
Anna Nicole Smith died Thursday at a South Florida hospital after being discovered unconscious in her hotel room.

The reality TV star and former model was 39.

"I can confirm that she is deceased. It's as shocking to me as to you guys," Smith's attorney, Ronald Rale, told Reuters. "I don't know anything further. [Her lawyer and husband] Howard [K. Stern], obviously, is speechless and grieving."

Smith's private nurse called Seminole Hard Rock Hotel workers at 1:38 p.m. and security went to the room, Seminole Police Chief Charlie Tiger told reporters.

Before rescue worked arrived, Smith's bodyguard performed CPR on her, he said.

She was taken to Memorial Regional Hospital in Hollywood at 2:10 p.m. where she died, Tiger said....

An autopsy is scheduled for Friday, according to the Broward County Medical Examiner's Office.

As I've said on this blog before, Anna Nicole's life was like a surreal combination of an Aaron Spelling '80s melodrama, Mexican telenovela-style soap opera, and Italian opera--and now there's this tragic, awful conclusion. Just this week she and TrimSpa were sued because a woman didn't lose weight on the stuff (go figure!) and she was ordered by a judge to submit her baby daughter Dannielyn to a paternity test. Every single day of her short life was jam-packed with more drama than anyone since Antigone!

The only things we can be sure of: 1) Dannielyn's life is doomed to be even more effed up than it was before Anna Nicole's death--not only is she practically an orphan, but her paternity suit will have way more at stake if she ends up inheriting the Howard K. Marshall millions, and she will never know if whoever ends up being her real dad really wanted her or the money; 2) the tabloids, cable tv, and gossip blogs are going to have an absolute field day with this thing for the forseeable future--it's going to be like Templeton the Rat gorging on the garbage at the fair in Charlotte's Web, and 3) Howard K. Stern is the kiss of death.

The whole thing is so depressing. Say what you will about Anna Nicole but I always thought she had the cutest face in the business and was always great entertainment. It's not completely shocking, but it is very, very sad.

STAY TUNED for more details as they emerge; really, you don't have much choice. This media feeding frenzy is going to be unavoidable. I bet within two weeks Osama bin Laden will be all, "I am getting sick and tired of this dead blonde infidel!" in his Afghan cave.

SXSW Fever--Catch It!

South By SouthWest finally put up the prelminary band list for this year's music festival, and you can peruse it at your leisure right here.

Your humble Felt Up blogette is most excited about The Saints (huzzah!!!), an olden-timey punk band from Australia; Mary Weiss, lead singer of '60s girl group The Shangri-las appearing with The Reigning Sound; Charlie Louvin, one-half of country music legends the Louvin Brothers (the other half, Ira Louvin, died in a car crash many years ago); Swedish le rock dramatique purveyors The Ark; Friend of Felt Up Mr. Kenneth's occasional side-project Boom Bip; soul singer Barbara Lynn; and the re-formed Iggy Pop & The Stooges. WHEEEEEEEEEE!

No mention on the list of the Stax Records Anniversary soul showcase or of fellow Stax Records alumni Booker T. Jones (of Booker T. & The MGs), who is a keynote speaker, but I've got my fingers crossed.

I haven't been this excited about SXSW in years! Now I just have to get my paws on a wristband. I've been toying with the idea of letting an out-of-town band stay at Felt Up HQ in exchange for a free wristband, but I'm afraid of a) vomit in my living room (which is not my own), b) loud music/noise until the wee hours (which is not my own), and c) groupies in my bathtub (who are not my own). However, if the wristbands are over $125 this year, I may consider this option more carefully...

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

I Go To The John For All Of Life's Answers

Like all good, decent people I love John Waters so much I just want to squeeze him and squeeze him until he's practically dead. So I'm delighted that there's a veritable Waters-palooza going on right now to promote some of his new products, such as his cd music compilation A Date With John Waters.

First, he's over at, answering readers' questions, like this one from John, 24, from New York, who asks:
"What's the ideal date that this album soundtracks?"

Well, we would rob a 7-Eleven, have a martini and come over to my house and listen to music, and I'd seduce you with my album.
Look for his description of "ultimate nudity," something I had never heard of before that sounds horrible, disgusting, and totally fascinating.

Then he's on the YouTubes that the kids are so crazy about, reading the liner notes from the cd (thanks for the link, Terri R.!):

He's also got a new tv show coming out on Court TV called 'Til Death Do Us Part:
'Til Death Do Us Part features fabled director John Waters starring as “The Groom Reaper,” guiding viewers through the true stories of doomed marriages that end with one spouse murdering the other. Each episode dramatizes the events of a true crime, opening at the couple’s wedding, with the time-traveling Groom Reaper as an unexpected guest, foretelling the worst. Through tantalizing and dramatic scenes from the marriage, the Groom Reaper reveals the story of the ill-fated relationship, leaving viewers guessing as to who will be the victim and who will be the culprit.
"The Groom Reaper"? I CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS SHOW! Finally, a reason to live that doesn't involve Bravo reality competition shows!

And, of course, the re-make of Hairspray with John Travolta and Christopher Walken as The Turnblads (!) should be out pretty soon, plus there is a new DVD of his stand-up comedy act (on Netflix only for now--thanks for the tip, Richard M.) called This Filthy World.


Fug Capades

The Go Fug Yourself girls have been covering New York Fashion Week and thus have missed a few opportunities to make fun of some terrible clothing choices that have reared their fugly heads recently. For instance, look upon Oksana Baiul at the Super Bowl, and weep:

O what hath Sienna Miller wrought?

Oksana looks like a Russian aerobics instructor who was forced into a Cambodian sex slave brothel in 1986. Or a really tragically pre-op Madonna impersonator in 1986. Or Tonya Harding in 1986.

Get thee to a fuggery, Fug Girls! We need you!

JT, It May Be Time To Get The Restraining Order in Place and Ready To Go

From the Not Too Shocking File comes this report from OK! Magazine that Britney Spears' has been unceremoniously dumped by Isaac Cohen:
Model Isaac Cohen broke the news to Britney during a long-distance phone call on Sunday evening while she was in New York and he was in Los Angeles.

“They are no longer an item,” Brandi Lord, Isaac’s agent at L.A. Models, confirms to OK!

The pair met through Britney’s choreographer and began dating in mid-December. It was the singer’s first real romance since she filed for divorce from Kevin Federline on November 7 last year.

For a while Britney and Isaac were regular feature of the LA party scene. Last month they spent a romantic weekend together in a $40,000-a-night suite at the Palms Casino Resort in Las Vegas.

With Britney, 25, in New York on business, Isaac has been staying with friends and caring for Snow White, Britney’s teacup Chihuahua.

According to a friend of Isaac, 25, he has been “looking to get out of the relationship for a while.

“It was a bit much for him,” the friend tells OK! “There was a lot of drama – it was too much of a whirlwind. It wasn’t one thing in particular.

“Her likes her. They had a good time together. He was doing his best to help her out – but there is only so much one person can do.”

"A lot of drama," eh? I don't believe it! At Casa de Spears? Naaaaah!

What do you bet the dude carefully timed this break-up so that he wouldn't have to spend big bucks on some god-awful Valentine's Day gift for Brit-Brit? Can you imagine the monstrously tacky presents she would expect?

Although at least we know he wouldn't have to shell out for underpants.

Ba dum dum! I'm here all week, folks!

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

It's Time Once Again For...

This edition's blind item comes from good ole Janet Charlton:
This hot rapper has a history he'd like to forget. His record label isn't worried about the fact that he's a former drug dealer- they're worried about his early sexual proclivities. Right now as he climbs up the charts, the label is very quietly buying up photos - and video if they can locate it - of their "talent" having sex with men! He's young in the photos but it's definitely him. Some of the gay websites with the pictures don't even realize who he is, so they cooperate. Our guy also has a very respectable girlfriend who would be horrified by his gay history. Can he bury his past?

Well, your humble Felt Up blogette is not as familiar as she used to be with the up-n-coming hippity hoppity stars that the kids are into these days, but I'm going to throw out the rapper whose name rhymes with Le Flame just for kicks. Anyone got any better guesses? Show off your freestyle rhymes, dogs, in the comments box!

Monday, February 05, 2007

In Space No One Can Hear You Scream

OK. This story from The New York Times is not technically related to showbiz--although I do think NASA is kind of similar to a movie studio making reaaaaaaaaaally expensive diversions to preoccupy the masses from our real problems--but this is one fascinating story. It involves love affairs among astronauts, adultery, a cross-country roadtrip with possible intent to commit kidnapping, assault with pepper spray, and murder that involved wigs, disqguises, and diapers. Huzzah!

ORLANDO, Fla.--An astronaut drove 900 miles and donned a disguise to confront a woman she believed was her rival for the affections of a space shuttle pilot, police said. She was arrested Monday and charged with attempted kidnapping and other counts.

U.S. Navy Capt. Lisa Nowak, 43, who flew last July on a shuttle mission to the international space station, was also charged with attempted vehicle burglary with battery, destruction of evidence and battery. She was denied bail.

Police said Nowak drove from her home in Houston to the Orlando International Airport to confront Colleen Shipman.

Nowak believed Shipman was romantically involved with Navy Cmdr. William Oefelein, a pilot during space shuttle Discovery's trip to the space station last December, police said.

Nowak told police that her relationship with Oefelein was ''more than a working relationship but less than a romantic relationship,'' according to an arrest affidavit. Police officers recovered a love letter to Oefelein in her car.

NASA spokesman James Hartsfield in Houston said that, as of Monday, Nowak's status with the astronaut corps remained unchanged.

''What will happen beyond that, I will not speculate,'' he said.

Hartsfield said he couldn't recall the last time an astronaut was arrested and said there were no rules against fraternizing among astronauts.

When she found out that Shipman was flying to Orlando from Houston, Nowak decided to confront her, according to the arrest affidavit. Nowak raced from Houston to Orlando wearing diapers so she wouldn't have to stop to urinate, authorities said.

Astronauts wear diapers during launch and re-entry.

Dressed in a wig and a trench coat, Nowak boarded an airport bus that Shipman took to her car in an airport parking lot. Shipman told police she noticed someone following her, hurried inside the car and locked the doors, according to the arrest affidavit.

Nowak rapped on the window, tried to open the car door and asked for a ride. Shipman refused but rolled down the car window a few inches when Nowak started crying. Nowak then sprayed a chemical into Shipman's car, the affidavit said.

Shipman drove to the parking lot booth, and the police were called.

During a check of the parking lot, an officer followed Nowak and watched her throw away a bag containing the wig and BB gun. They also found a steel mallet, a 4-inch folding knife, rubber tubing, $600 and garbage bags inside a bag Nowak was carrying when she was arrested, authorities said.

Inside Nowak's vehicle, which was parked at a nearby motel, authorities uncovered a pepper spray package, an unused BB-gun cartridge, latex gloves and e-mails between Shipman and Oefelein. They also found a letter ''that indicated how much Mrs. Nowak loved Mr. Oefelein,'' an opened package for a buck knife, Shipman's home address and hand written directions to the address, the arrest affidavit said.

Police said Nowak told them that she only wanted to scare Shipman into talking to her about her relationship with Oefelein and didn't want to harm her physically.

''If you were just going to talk to someone, I don't know that you would need a wig, a trench coat, an air cartridge BB gun and pepper spray,'' said Sgt. Barbara Jones, a spokeswoman for the Orlando Police Department. ''It's just really a very sad case. ... Now she ends up finding herself on the other side of the law with some very serious charges.''

If convicted of attempted kidnapping, Nowak could face a maximum of life in prison...

According to NASA's official biography, Nowak is married with three children. During her 13-day mission in July she operated the robotic arm during three spacewalks.

Oefelein is unmarried. He piloted the space shuttle Discovery in December. He has two children, according to a NASA biography.

Yowza! Who will play married-with-children US Navy Captain Astronaut Lisa Nowak in the made-for-tv movie to be aired on the Lifetime network next year? Well, lets take a look at her:

I'm kinda getting a Penelope Ann Miller vibe from this lady...hmmmm:

Am I right or am I right? Penelope Ann always had a little bit of the crazy in her eys that would hit just the right note. (Remember her portrayal of Mary Kay Letourneau in "All-American Girl: The Mary Kay Letourneau Story"? Eh? Anyone?)

Then we've got to cast the role of objet d'obsession Navy Commander William Oefelein:

He totally reminds me of some character actor, but for the life of me I can't figure out who. Anyone got any ideas? I'm dying here!

UPDATE 02/06: Apparently great minds think alike, because today Defamer had their own casting call for the movie, although I'm not sure I agree with their choices:

Yesterday's arrest of Lisa Marie Novak, the kidnappingest astronaut in NASA, begs for an immediate Sunday night telefilm treatment. (Working title: Breaking Orbit: The Lisa Marie Novak Story.) We wholeheartedly agree with a reader's recommendation that an offer should immediately go out to Oscar nominee Toni Collette for the Novak role, who may be lured to the small screen by a gritty, yet somehow flamboyant, part requiring a crazy-love-fueled 900 mile drive to intercept a romantic rival while packing a Wile E. Coyote-quality arsenal of a wig, a trenchcoat, adult diapers, BB gun, a steel mallet, some rubber tubing, and garbage bags. As for the role of her spacefaring object of obsession, putting out a call for "a Tony Shaloub type, but cheaper" will probably do the trick for now, as securing Collette's services will probably eat up most of the casting budget.

I'm thinking a better title might be "To Diaper For: The Lisa Marie Novak Story," since that is the aspect of the story that has siezed the public imagination--it certainly siezed mine. Yowza!

Pour Some Sugar On Me, Indeed

The nine other people in the world who have seen Mike Judge's "Idiocracy" will surely be horrified/titillated to see that one of the film's prophetic visions of a dumbed-down/sexed-up America is one teensy, tiny step from ALREADY COMING TRUE. For everyone who hasn't seen it yet, one of the things "Idiocracy" envisions is a future USA that has "full-release" everything, such as H&R Block "Tax Returns With Full Release" and especially Starbucks "Frappaccino With Full Release," et al. And now the LA Times reports on the so-called "sexpresso" phenomenon:
SHORELINE, WASH. — On a quick break from his job as a trash hauler, Rob Chapman was in the mood for some coffee. So he pulled his truck into the Sweet Spot Cafe, a drive-through espresso stand on busy Aurora Avenue here in the Seattle suburbs.

"Do you want a Wet Dream or the Sexual Mix today, honey?" asked barista Edie Smith, dressed in a tight-fitting yellow blouse that did a less than fully effective job of covering her cleavage. She leaned down in the window, perhaps all the closer to hear his order. He chose the first option: a coffee with white chocolate, milk and caramel sauce...

In a way, it is perhaps stunning that it took so long for entrepreneurs here to figure out that coffee, the fabled Seattle obsession, mixes very well with sex, the fabled human obsession.

But apparently it does, to judge from the growing number of steamy espresso stands that have popped up around the region in the last year or so.

At the Sweet Spot here in Shoreline, the Natte Latte in Port Orchard and the Bikini Espresso in Renton, not to mention the multi-stand Cowgirls Espresso, the term "hot coffee" has clearly taken on a whole new meaning.

Some of the "sexpresso" stands, as they are called, have proved so popular that neighbors, including adjacent businesses, have started to complain. Not that it's done much good.

"Really, there is no ordinance against scantily clad baristas," said John Urquhart, a spokesman for the Sheriff's Department in King County, which includes Seattle and most suburbs.

As long as breasts and buttocks are more or less covered, it's legal to serve coffee in a baby-doll negligee and chaps, as a barista was doing at a Cowgirls Espresso stand the other day.

"It's sort of like a Hooters for coffee," Urquhart explained. "It's not against the law. And the truth is, a lot of them are doing a land-office business."

The Sweet Spot's owner, Sarah Araujo, claims to have started the trend two years ago, after brainstorming ways to set her business apart. (A shortage of coffee places is not a problem in Seattle, so the competition is ferocious.)

Soon, the Sweet Spot was doing "theme days": Tube Top Tuesdays, Wet T-Shirt Wednesdays and Fantasy Fridays.


I wonder if a tramp stamp is required to serve coffee at Natte Latte? (You know, your humble Felt Up blogette loves a good pun more than anyone in all decency should, but "Natte Latte" DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE! At least Dairy Queen's "Moolatte"--with which I am mildly obsessed-- is totally a pun on "mulatto," no matter what the company might claim. Racist? Yes. Horribly offensive? Definitely. Makes more sense than "Natte Latte?" Abso-effing-lutely. ARGH!) Surely we can come up with funnier "sexy" coffee shop about "Udder Delights" or "Cup a' Ho" or "Coffee Bean and Fig Leaf" or just plain ole "Star*ucks"? Got a better one (and surely you do)? Leave it in the comments box!

Anywho, I am now waiting for the announcement to come any minute from the Bush White House that from now on water will only be used in the "terlets" and that Gatorade will be fed to all of our crops, because it is "what plants crave." Sigh...