Monday, January 22, 2007

She Blinded Me With Science AND...



Let's try to figure out these "blind items" from Page Six, which is "Just Asking":
WHICH shaggy-haired rocker with a perky pop-star girlfriend has the nightclub circuit buzzing that he's been taking guys home with him late at night? . . . WHICH famous athlete isn't as interested in women as his fans believe? He has been able to keep his sexuality under wraps, but the question is for how much longer.

Huh. Based on the number of similar blind items that have been published lately, I have come to the conclusion that, to paraphrase "Team America"'s musical "Lease," EVERYONE is gay! Gay, gay, gay! Gay, gay, gay, gay! GAY!

The first item's "shaggy-haired rocker" seems to sugest a certain singer-songwriter whose name (sorta) sounds like Dong Layer, although it might be stretching it a bit to call him a rocker. If it is Dong Layer--who has been kinda-semi-maybe-or-maybe-not dating a "perky pop-star" whose name is similar to Breastica Limpson--then I might not gag quite as much every time I hear that insipid "Your Body Is a Wonderland" song, because if I can fantasize that that body he is whining about belongs to somebody hott like, say, the actor whose name rhymes with Drive Slowen, then that makes it infinitely more appealing.

The other item is trickier, as a) I'm not much of a sports fan, and b) it's extremely vague. However, the fact that it says "famous athlete" and not "famous basketball star" or "famous football hero" makes me think it is someone who plays another sport, and what famous athlete who plays another sport has been in the news a lot latley, eh? Perhaps the one whose name sounds like Ravekid Peck'em? Although you'd think the gosip-mongers over at Page Six would be unable to resist a shot at his alienesue/anorexic/pop tart wife, Nosh Lice....

Soooo, there are many, many more interpretations, dear readers...got any better ideas? Funnier rhyming names? Deep, existential questions about Drive Slowen? Well, for the love of teensy, tiny, sweet swaddled baby Jesus in the manger, leave 'em in the comments box!

6 comments:

Dan said...

OK, you're not from the New York area, so I'll fill you in:

In NY, "sports" means "New York Sports."

When talking New York Sports, there's a 99% chance you're talking professional sports. When talking professional sports, here, there's a 75% chance you're talking baseball, a 24% chance of football, and a 1% chance of women's tennis, which I'll ignore.

In NY baseball, there's a 90% chance you are talking about the Yankees. When talking about any specific player on the Yankees, there's a 70% chance you're talking about their shortstop, regardless of the context. That totals up to an unadjusted 47%. Adjust for highly publicized romances, like Mariah Carey, the fact that he just hasn't been able to find some gal to settle down with, and his good looks and sense of style, you're up to a 90+% chance that his name rhymes with Larynx Cheater. Which, I guarantee, is how everybody in New York is going to read that article.

Anonymous said...

I like this dan person's theory! Wasn't there once a gay couple rumor about Larynx Cheater and some male model like, Tyreese or something?

As for the shaggy-haired rocker, my vote goes for Havin' Flossdale, married to Pen Hefnani. Remember, Havin dated the tranny named Marilyn, according to Boy George.

Terri R.

jennifer said...

I bow to your knowledge of NY sports, Dan. I am a hick from the stix!

I LOVE it that certain people (in this case, New Yorkers) can pick up the 'code' faster than others with these blind items...

Terri R., I think you're onto something with Havin' Flossdale, esp. since I loathe Pen Hefnani.

Shannon said...

I don't think it's Dong Layer -- didn't he write that awful "wonderland" song about Kennifer Dove Jewitt? She doesn't strike me as the beard type.

Anonymous said...

Isn't Killary Muff (pop star) dating some "shaggy haired" rocker? Maybe the singer of Good Charlotte. I don't know that guy's name, but Killary certainly counts as a pop star...

Tanya

Anonymous said...

drive slowen?!?

the other names were easy to guess. can someone give another clue as to who that is.

as for rocker/poptartlet
bond slayer and chestica limpson sounds good...

athlete - glance harmwrong seems more right than wrong..