Wednesday, January 17, 2007

The First Step Is Having Your Publicist Admit You Have A Problem



Least surprising news of the day alert! From Us Weekly:

Lindsay Lohan entered the luxe rehab facility Wonderland Center in Los Angeles' Laurel Canyon on Wednesday afternoon at 2:30 p.m., Us Weekly has learned.

"I have made a proactive decision to take care of my personal health," Lohan tells Us Weekly through her rep, Leslie Sloane-Zelnick. "I appreciate your well-wishes and ask that you please respect my privacy at this time."

She arrived at the facility in a blacked out SUV followed by a caravan of two other cars. Looking somber, the actress carried a dark Balenciaga bag and a Jamba Juice, she wore black tights, a green flannel shirt, a leather jacket, and a black baseball cap that said "Lola."

Though Lohan didn’t attend the Golden Globe Awards, the actress was spotted at Prince’s after-party at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel where "she was totally out of it,” according to an onlooker.

Witnesses say that the starlet partied until 6 a.m. Tuesday morning.

Recently, Lohan's rep confirmed that the actress has been attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.


Hmmmm....in my fantasy version of these events, I see La Lohan arriving at Prince's purple mansion (while he and The Revolution play basketball in puffy shirts with Charlie Murphy, of course) and right after Prince makes a slam dunk, he saunters off the court to greet his guests. He notices Lindsay and her date, Joe "Girls Gone Wild" Francis and Prince takes off his long, white lacy ascot and waves it in front of Joe's face, sort of flicking him with it. Joe tries to shoo away the annoying piece of lace with his hand, like he's swatting a fly, but Prince doesn't stop, he just looks Lindsay up and down as he flicks flicks flicks the ascot in Joe Francis' face. Prince is surrounded by a wondrous light, as if a million rainbows had converged upon his Nehru suit and burst into flame.

"I see you are a beautiful young woman, Lindsay Lohan," says Prince.

"Shanks a lot, homes! (Hic!) You're even shorter than Wilmer! Ha haaaaaa...(Hic) I feel kinda pukey...Joe, get the bucket!" says Lindsay.

"You would be even more beautiful if I draped your body in diamonds and pearls and purple satins."

"Shanks, I thiiiiiiiink. Where my bitches at? (Hic!) Have you seen my mom?"

"But listen to me, Lindsay Lohan. You will lose your flame-haired white beauty if you do not give up your worldy ways and devote yourself to a Higher Power. He will bathe you in the purple rain. You will glow like a peach. You will be a sexy m.f. Your sugar walls will drive me crazy like my darling Nikki. But you must change your ways, Lindsay Lohan. You must dump this..this thing (flicks lace in Francis' face for emphasis)...you must stop all of this nonsense and pledge your love to Jehovah. Go. Go now, Lindsay Lohan, go to The Wonderland! Now I must return to my other guests and make them pancakes."

Prince hops onto his motorcycle for the short trip back to the Purple Mansion, and in a puff of smoke, he is gone...

And right then and there, Lindsay knew what she had to do...she had to get rid of the creep she'd come with...she had to make big changes in her life...but most of all, she had to call Leslie Sloane-Zelnick.

FIN.

2 comments:

TrAngela said...

pure poetry, m'lady. Pure poetry.

Anonymous said...

I absolutely cling to the unsubstantiated belief that this is exactly what happened.

~ Spare E