Monday, December 31, 2007

Happy New Year From Felt Up And ABBA

My two resolutions: To blog more often and drink more often! Perhaps at the same time! Huzzah!

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Little Bundle Of Botox On The Way?


(photo via fresno beehive)

According to the UK Daily Mail, which of course could be totally wrong, Nicole Kidman has a bun in the oven:
Nicole Kidman and her husband of 18 months are expecting their first baby, the Daily Mail can reveal.

The Oscar-winning actress and Keith Urban, the country and western singer she calls the "love of my life", broke the news to their families over the Christmas holiday.

The 40-year-old Australian star had already spoken of "winding down" her film-making activities as much as possible next year.

The baby, whose expected arrival date has not yet been revealed, will be the actress's first natural child.

She adopted Isabella, 14, and twelve-year-old Conor during her first marriage to Tom Cruise.

OK. First, I love how the Daily Mail says that Nicole and Keith "broke the news to their families," like they were announcing something terrible. Heh.

Second, isn't this one more piece of evidence that suggests TOM CRUISE IS NOT THE FATHER OF SURI? (Just as some people believe there was a second gunman in The Grassy Knoll in Dallas during the Kennedy assassination, I happen to believe that there was a second "shooter" in the knocking up of Katie Holmes, and his name is Chris Klein. As an American, it is my right! If I ever disappear under mysterious circumstances, blame the Scientologists!) Sure, Nicole had two miscarriages during their marriage, but people trying to have kids often suffer through several miscarriages. I'm just suggesting it's all a bit fishy. FISHY, I say!

Also, has anyone studied the effects on the fetus of massive amounts of Botox floating around the system of a pregnant lady?

And finally, I've said it before and I'm sure I'll be saying it some more: EVERYONE IS PREGNANT. Bleh!

Friday, December 28, 2007

Our Lady Of The Chillums


(photo via evil beet)

Hee hee! According to TMZ, the cops who arrested Mischa Barton found weed and mystery pills in her car:
A West Hollywood police source tells TMZ that when she was arrested, Mischa Barton blew a .12 on her breathalyzer test, admitted to smoking marijuana earlier that day (which cops found in her car) and had what cops say looked like prescription drugs in her car -- in an unlabeled bottle...

Barton was popped at 2:45 AM Thursday in West Hollywood. Cops pulled her over after they witnessed her "straddling two lanes of traffic and failed to signal when making a turn."

The funny thing to me is that TMZ's headline for this story is "Mischa Barton's Idea of a Good Time--Pot and Pills?". Isn't that almost everyone's "idea of a good time"? In Hollywood, it practically makes her a nun!

Developing.

I Gave Her My Heart And She Gave Me A Penn


(photo via yahoo)

It's only been eleven years, but it seemed like so much looooonger! Finally, Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn are ending their tumultuous marriage, according to People:
Sean Penn and wife Robin Wright Penn are divorcing, their rep, Mara Buxbaum, confirms to PEOPLE exclusively.

No other details were immediately available. The couple, who've been married 11 years, have two children together, Hopper Jack, 14, and Dylan Frances, 16.

Penn, 47, and Wright, 41, began dating in the early '90s and married in 1996. They also have starred together in several films, including 1998's Hurlyburly and 1997's She's So Lovely, directed by Nick Cassavetes.

"Marriage ain't easy, but it's great most of the time," Penn told Entertainment Weekly in 1997. "I love Robin. I've always loved her."

I always thought it was amazing--and possibly a sign of mental illness--that she stayed with him as long as she did, given the fact that he's, you know, SEAN PENN. Over the course of their relationship she went from a sweet-looking dewy youth to a stricken ghost of a human being. I'm glad she got out of there, but, boy, she took her sweet time...

I remember how much I loved Sean Penn and Nicolas Cage when I was a wee lass (Racing With The Moon! Bad Boys! Valley Girl! How I wept with the intensity of my crush!) and now Sean makes me want to hit him with a sharp stick because of his complete and utter lack of humor, and Nicolas Cage is a walking freak show with a deformed mouth and no hair. Luckily, Clive Owen and Vincent D'Onofrio have taken up the slack!

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Last Celeb Mug Shot of 2007? Maybe Not!

From TMZ, Miss Mischa Barton's unsurprisingly-bleary-eyed mug shot:



Hey, Lohan! Are you going to take this lying down? Are you going to let this little O.C. strumpet steal your end of the year D.U.I. thunder? THERE ARE STILL FOUR DAYS LEFT TO BLOW HER OUT OF THE WATER! GAH!

I Could Make A "Doh! C. " Joke Here, But I Won't

As you all know by now, a potentially history-altering event involving one of the most important female figures in the world has just taken place. No, not the assassination of Pakistan's Benazir Bhutto, silly! I'm talking about the arrest of Mischa Barton, the former O.C. star/survivor-of-dalliance-with-Cisco "Disfigured Sacks Are Awesome!" Adler!

According to TMZ, Ms. Barton was picked up for
DUI, possession of narcotics and driving on a suspended license.

The former "O.C." star was pulled over early this morning around 2:45 AM as she was driving in West Hollywood, Calif., and is still in custody, being held on $10,000 bail.

To add insult to injury, "the Inmate Info doc called her 'Mischa Burton.'" Heh.

More developments in this shocking event will surely unfold hour by hour, so stay tuned!

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

A Gem Sweater Christmas!

This classic Leslie and the Ly's video doesn't have any literal Christmas connection, but there is something festive and holiday-ish about gem sweaters, n'est-ce pas? Enjoy!

Monday, December 24, 2007

The Greatest Gift of All...

...is a Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers video featuring creepy Christmas gremlins:

A John Waters Christmas

Friday, December 21, 2007

Merry Ludachristmas!

Here's some funny holiday stuff I picked out in a fit of total boredom. May my continuing fit of ennui relieve some of yours (my new Christmas slogan)!


First up, sometimes all I want to do for the holidays is listen to a child sing a song:



Schweaty balls are always a special treat:



This may be one of only a very few times that Bea Arthur and Chewbacca appeared together on screen. Of course, I could be wrong:



Another heartwarming seasonal song, TV Funhouse's "Christmas Time For The Jews":



As the gossip sucks ass, expect more of the same in the days to come...God bless us every one!

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Frightening Celeb Photo of the Day, v.2

These photos have been floating around the interwebs for a few days, but your humble Felt Up blogette got so distracted by Jamie Lynn-gate that she forgot! Anyway, without further ado, here's Miss Tara Reid in her current state:



If you really want to, you can see more from this photo shoot here.

Poor Tara. She is desperately flailing around, trying in vain to salvage the shabby, sad, tattered remnants of her once semi-thriving career. Instead of acting in teen sex comedies, she's been reduced to traveling to other hemispheres for sub-D-list paid party appearances, and apparently she thinks the way to inject some life into her image is to drain all the actual life out of her body. It's a bold move, but begs the question: If an aging drunken starlet loses half her body weight in a forest and there's no one there to watch, did it really happen? Also, what is the sound of one deflated boob clapping?

These are the thoughts that keep me awake at night, when I'm not worried about, you know, wars-n-stuff...

Trouble In Paradise?



Who knows if this is true or not, but Life & Style Weekly is reporting that Jamie Lynn Spears and Casey Aldridge, the Abercrombie-afficianado father of her child/possible statutory rapist have broken up:
“Jamie Lynn and Casey are NOT together. They’ve broken up numerous times, but he was her first and she kept taking him back," says the insider.

“They’re not dating now. He's really got nothing to offer this baby. He's a kid himself. They have no plans to get married."

"At this point, Jamie Lynn has asked her mom — and not Casey — to be in the delivery room with her.”

A rep for Jamie Lynn was not immediately available for comment.

This is so turning into a Lifetime made for tv movie, ya'll! Broken Promises, Tiny Brain: The Jamie Lynn Spears Story.

I wish I could muster up a bit more interest in lil' Miss Spears, but her elder sister has exhausted most of my trash/trainwreck-fascination reserves...

Frightening Celeb Photo of the Day

Believe it or not, this is Janine Turner, who used to a) star on Northern Exposure, b) have cute brown pixie hair, and c) look human:


(photo via jezebel)


Ole Janine was fugged on Go Fug Yourself yesterday for looking like the poor man's Carol Channing in this photo :


(photo via Go Fug Yourself )

As the Fug Girls mention in their post, Janine is involved in some kind of Christian yoga and cattle-raising when she isn't bleaching her hair and making her face go away.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Chin Up, Britney It Could Be Worse! Well, Not Really.

According to Janet Charlton, this is what Britney Spears looked like right after she heard her lil' sis was up the pole:



All in all, rather apropriate, I think. Sigh.

Related: Jamie Lynn's baby daddy may be a statutory rapist--even in Louisiana! Discuss.

Whole World Is Pregnant


(photo via mog)

Now cute, feisty, pint-sized (and pint-loving) British singer Lily "The Less Druggy Amy Winehouse" Allen, 22, has announced that she, like every other celeb, semi-celeb, sister-of-celeb, and all other females on the planet Earth, is knocked up. Her boyfriend (not the guy in the photo above, I just thought the picture captured some of Lily's "kicky" je ne sais quois, although she--like so many other famous ladies!--has a tendency to date dudes who look like her dad so it's hard to keep track) is one of the Chemical Brothers and is 37.

Whoop-de-do.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Big Fun Says Teenage Pregnancy: Don't Do It!


(photo via evil beet)

Just when you thought the Spears family couldn't possibly get any trashier without actually moving to the city dump and wallowing around like a bunch of ruttin' pigs, one of the young'uns up and gets herself a bun in the oven from some dude in an Abercrombie t-shirt. Just like Mary and Joseph, ya'll! From People Magazine:
Britney Spears's 16-year-old sister Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant.

Nickelodeon, which carries her TV show Zoey 101, said in a statement: "We respect Jamie Lynn's decision to take responsibility in this sensitive and personal situation. We know this is a very difficult time for her and her family, and our primary concern right now is for Jamie Lynn's well being."

Spears and her mother confirmed the pregnancy to OK! magazine, saying she was 12 weeks along and the father is Jamie Lynn's longtime boyfriend Casey Aldridge. Aldridge's mother confirmed it to TMZ.com.

In a completely unrelated story, the release of Lynne "Big Mama" Spears' book on childrearing tips has been postponed.

I wonder how Britney will react? Will she be excited for young Jamie Lynn's impending motherhood/doom? Will she become hysterical at the prospect of being upstaged by her possibly All About Eve-ish sister/interloper? OR WILL SHE SIMPLY KEEP DANCING AROUND HER HOUSE IN A BIKINI LIKE NOTHING IS HAPPENING?


(photo of Britney, lil' Jamie Lynn, and bitter brother in happier times via tee mix)

Just like Jamie Lynn, this story is developing...

Update: Winehouse Out of Jailhouse Now



Amy Winehouse has been released from jail on bail. Did she have the bail money hidden in her 'hive? I fervently hope so!

Developing!

Winehouse In The Jailhouse Now



Why do I get the feeling that this can only end in tears? From TMZ:
Singer Amy Winehouse has been arrested on suspicion of "perverting the course of justice" -- the UK's version of interfering with a police investigation.

TMZ has confirmed that the arrest was made "by appointment" in London today.

Last month, Winehouse's husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, was arrested for the same thing -- related to the case of an alleged assault on a bartender last June.

Well, at least she and her cad rent boy nogoodnik husband can be together, sort of. Since this is England and not Brazil, they'll most likely be in sex-segregated areas of the jail.

Poor Amy. What more can her frighteningly frail lil' body/psyche take? And most importantly, how will this affect the Grammy's? If they get "very special guest" Gwen Stefani to sing "Rehab" in her place I will have no choice but to stab myself in the eye with a fork in protest.

Developing...

Monday, December 17, 2007

Frightening Celeb Photo Of All Time Unto Infinity

Sorry to do this to you on a Monday and all, but:



Apparently David Guest was involved in something called a "panto" in the UK that required him to dress up like his ex-beard Liza "Mysterious Collapse" Minelli. Which is both in poor taste and EXTREMELY DISTURBING. Here's another one to make you want to wish you'd never been born with sight:



Oddly, he looks more like Keith Moon in drag than anything else. I don't know what deeper meaning can be gleaned from this phenomenon, other than the fact that the end of civilization is nigh, of course...which the girl on the left is probably praying for with every fiber of her being (I sure hope she had a Silkwood-style shower after this traumatic incident!). Is that guy in the plaid suit supposed to be Daniel Day Lewis? And the one on the end is either an especially pervy Teletubby or quite possibly Nicole Kidman:



Has the whole world lost its mind?

Thursday, December 13, 2007

"Mysterious Collapse" Is Liza's Middle Name!



Nooooo! Liza Minelli is down! Repeat! LIZA IS DOWN! From Reuters:
Veteran entertainer Liza Minnelli collapsed on stage a few songs into a performance in Sweden's second city and was taken to hospital before being discharged on Thursday, a concert promoter said.

Minnelli collapsed during a Christmas show Wednesday night and fell off the side of the stage but was caught by a technician and escaped additional injuries, said Michael Silfverskiold, a local promoter.

"It was a terrible situation," he said. "She fell off the side of the stage. The production manager caught her."

Minnelli, 61, was appearing in a Christmas show, together with Swedish performers. It was the final show after another performance in Gothenburg on Tuesday and shows in Stockholm over the weekend.

Minnelli, the daughter of actress Judy Garland, has been a singer, dancer and actress since her childhood, appearing in numerous films and stage shows. She won an Academy Award as best actress for her performance in Cabaret in 1972.

She was discharged from the hospital Thursday morning and flown back to the United States, Silfverskiold said. He did not know the cause of the collapse and had no other information about her medical condition.

The promoter said her condition had clearly affected her performance. "You could see she was in pain," he said.

Police were called to the venue, the Scandinavium, after reports crowds of concert-goers were angry and had demanded their money back.

But police spokesman Tomas Fuxborg said by the time police had arrived at the scene there was no sign of any trouble.

What would I give to see video of the production manager catching Liza after she fell off the stage? Well, I guess the better question is what wouldn't I give!

Also, how awesome do the Swedes have it? They not only got to see Liza in a holiday spectacular, albeit briefly, but they also got to witness one of her legendary collapses! Just in time for Christmas! Lucky bastards..and then they had to nerve to get "angry"! They should count their Swedish blessings! (Is the high ticket prices for concerts the reason why audiences have been so surly lately when performers disappoint them in a live, Christmas-themed setting? First it was Hall & Oates and now Liza! Is there finally no sense of decency, sir(s), I ask? As Friend of Felt Up Terri R. likes to say, holiday audiences will turn on you like a chow!)

Be careful out there, Liza! We heart you!

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

It Is Time For You To Stop All Of Your Sobbing


A rare moment of composure.

I don't want to spoil anyone who didn't seen tonight's Project Runway, but this part I'm about to talk about has been alluded to ad nauseum in the previews so I don't feel too bad. Stop reading now if you're terrified of spoilers. Go read something else!

Anyway, I am compelled to point out that the ONE TIME that Ricky, Our Lingerie-Designing Lady of the Terrible Headwear, didn't bawl his eyes out was the same moment that everyone else on the show--even ridonkulous hipster Christian--was crying rivers of tears! The early departure of Jack due to a nasty-looking facial staph infection brought on by his HIV caused much sadness at the Parsons workroom--with the exception of Ricky. He shed nary a tear while all around him was sobbing and shock and sorrow and verklempt-ness.

But later in the show his model gives him some praise--and he weeps. And she gives him a little more encouragement--and he sobs. The man has cried on every single episode of this series--sometimes several times throughout--but only when the situation has to do with HIMSELF.

It's entirely possible might actually be more of a monomaniac narcissist than Christian, albeit with a much less annoying voice. Or I could be completely wrong. Stay tuned!

PS
That dress of Steven's looked more like Wednesday Addams than a French maid, but what do I know? I am but a simple bloggette... I also thought token not-gay Kevin's design should've won...And why didn't the judges give more crap to Gillian for not using any of the original outfit she was given? I thought that was a complete cop-out. Boo, hiss! But I did love Dame Michael Kors' "it's a little Shirley MacLaine as a hooker with a heart of gold" comment about Chris' "French '50s"-by-way-of-Hot Topic outfit. Yay, huzzah!

Ike Turner RIP



Ike Turner--who some believe invented rock-n-roll with his song "Rocket 88"--has died at age 76. From the New York Times:
Ike Turner, whose role as one of rock's critical architects was overshadowed by his ogrelike image as the man who brutally abused former wife and icon Tina Turner, died Wednesday at his home in suburban San Diego. He was 76.

''He did pass away this morning'' at his home in San Marcos, in northern San Diego County, said Scott M. Hanover of Thrill Entertainment Group, which managed Turner's musical career.

There was no immediate word on the cause of death, which was first reported by celebrity Web site TMZ.com.

Turner managed to rehabilitate his image somewhat in his later years, touring around the globe with his band the Kings of Rhythm and drawing critical acclaim for his work. He won a Grammy in 2007 in the traditional blues album category for ''Risin' With the Blues.''

But his image is forever identified as the drug-addicted, wife-abusing husband of Tina Turner. He was hauntingly portrayed by Laurence Fishburne in the movie ''What's Love Got To Do With It,'' based on Tina Turner's autobiography.

In a 2001 interview with The Associated Press, Turner denied his ex-wife's claims of abuse and expressed frustration that he had been demonized in the media, adding that his historic role in rock's beginnings had been ignored.

''You can go ask Snoop Doggor Eminem, you can ask the Rolling Stonesor (Eric) Clapton, or you can ask anybody -- anybody, they all know my contribution to music, but it hasn't been in print about what I've done or what I've contributed until now,'' he said.

Tell it, Ike!

I've always loved that Ike's literary anwer to Tina's memoir I, Tina was called I, Ike.

You were a scoundrel, sir, and possibly deranged, and certainly violent. But Ike Turner, you were also a genius, and you shall be missed, at least around Felt Up HQ, because your music rules. Give me "River Deep, Mountain High" over anything that's come out in the past 40 years...

My greatest ambition in life has always been to be a) a cake decorator and/or b) an Ikette. Now only half that dream is still possible.

What Do We Want? "Maneater!" When Do We Want It? NOW!



Here's something funny to warm your coccles. Apparently the audience for a recent Hall & Oates concert in New York started to get peevish and eventually almost riot when the band stuck to holiday-themed songs from a recent Christmas album rather than their (seemingly endless string of) hits, and hilarity ensued. From New York magazine:
When Hall & Oates, touring in support of their 2006 album Home for Christmas, launched into the first night of their two-day run at the Beacon Theater with “The First Noel,” the audience was into it. Ladies in the next row over from us seemed about ready to toss their underwear onstage as the King of Israel was born.

But after about five such holiday songs, restlessness set in. There were screams for “Maneater.” Suburbanites loudly threatened to catch the next train out of Penn Station if they heard one more carol. And that wasn't the worst of it: Half of the balcony booed when Daryll Hall asked if we were feeling the holiday spirit.

Much of the audience came purely for the greatest hits, and they weren't afraid to shit on Hall, Oates, or baby Jesus to get it.

When the band did start delivering the classics, the crowd warmed right up, doing a “Private Eyes” — CLAP! — “are watching you” — CLAP CLAP! — sing-along and pumping their fists to “Rich Girl.”

The band, possibly out of spite, did not play “Maneater.”

Hee hee! I don't blame that crowd, though. If I'd paid big bucks to see Hall & Oates, I'd want the m-r-effing HITS, man! Screw that holiday horse crap! Play "Sarah Smile" OR I'LL BURN THIS PLACE DOWN!

NO "Kiss On My List," NO PEACE!

Run Fast to "Walk Hard" and "Nip/Tuck"

I could give a flying crap if Jessica Alba is pregnant or not, so instead here's a funny preview for the movie Felt Up is peeing her pants with anticipation about, Walk Hard, starring the always-brilliant John C. Reilly as a Johnny Cash-type singer who kind of Forrest Gumps his way through every musical genre of the past fifty years. Yes, I realize this is an ad, and that these previews are kind of ubiquitous right now, but it's my blog! You're not my father! And I think it's really funny. And there is NOTHING ELSE OF INTEREST TODAY.



And what the hell, here's another one. Warning: This clip uses the "s" word because it was made for international audiences who can better handle exposure to naughtiness, so if you're at work you might want to turn the sound down. However, again, FUNNY, especially if you saw Walk The Line or know about Johnny Cash's real-life tragic childhood:



And this is off subject, but here a few of my favorite things from last night's Nip/Tuck (SPOILERS!):

1) They have finally exhausted every single possible shocking thing on planet Earth and must now resort to aliens from outer space.

2) The creepy-but-strangely-unfulfilling kidnapping/aborted rape scene (at first I was afraid the show was going to go all Six Feet Under-worst-episode-ever on me but it managed to just barely avoid it) showed that a) Joely Richardson is frighteningly skinny and should remain clothed at all times, b) in comparison with Ms. Richardson, anorexic "Muffia" don Portia DiRossi looks like the picture of health and vitality, and c) the whole scenario was enacted solely to introduce a gun into the plot of the show.

3) When Dr. Sean McNamara tells Julia and Dr. Christian Troy that he's having an affair with distubingly Elizabeth Berkeley-in-Showgirls-esque Eden because he feels old, Dr. Christian Troy says something along the lines of "I've been dipping into the healing powers of young p**sy for years." Ha!

4) I totally called (in my mind) that stupid and repulsive Michael Jackson-lookalike Matt would burn himself up in a retarded meth lab explosion. Double ha!

God, I love this show.

Monday, December 10, 2007

It's A Star So Janet Got An Autograph

There is shite for gossip lately, so let's ease the boredom and take a stroll down Felt Up Memory Lane with one of my favorite--and I think somewhat lesser-seen--Schoolhouse Rock episodes, "Interplanet Janet." Enjoy!



Was everyone in children's television in the '70s on drugs? I think so! And thank sweet holy Christ!

Thursday, December 06, 2007

My Reality Show Worlds Colliding AGAIN!



OMG. Apparently Jack, the buff HIV-positive contestant on the current Project Runway, is dating be-fauxhawked ex-contestant from Top Chef, Dale! OutZone provides this rather breathless report, starting with a quote from Jack:
"It's very baby steps. I really like him a lot. And geography is a bit of an issue, but we'll see where it goes. I like him a lot. I assume he likes me a lot. Unless he's lying...(laughter)... He's adorable. I like keeping it incestuous, keep it in the Bravo family."

SO we immediately had to call Dale, who told us,

"Yeah, we randomly met over Myspace. And then we bumped into each other at the OUT100 party and clicked. He's hilarious. We're just gonna roll with it and see what happens. And he's cute as %&#@. We have the same sense of humor. We giggle a lot, and you know, anytime you end up going through the Bravo-reality-show...we just looked at each other and said, 'yeah...'"

The above picture was described to us, by the way, as "it was the first time we met. All starry-eyed and stupid."

The only thing that makes me nervous about all this adorable Bravo-related-incest is that last night's preview for the next episode of Project Runway made it seem like they were about to reveal some terrible, frightening news about Jack and his HIV status. He'd already been very forthright about his illness, but there have been some rumors afoot about some kind of controversy with "the HIV guy" since before the show started airing, so who knows what it could be? Knowing Bravo and their devious editors, probably NOTHING, but you never can tell.

Now if only they could get the Flipping Out guy to pitch woo with Carson Kressley, all would be right in the world...

Monday, December 03, 2007

Frightening Celeb Photo of the Day

Well, now I've seen everything. Apparently Joan Van Ark of Knot's Landing semi-fame is now The Undead:



Is this merely the very latest in anti-aging procedures? Controlled death on an outpatient basis followed by partial re-animation, with a few post-mortem Juvéderm™ touch-ups and eternal damnation to the twilight limbo of wampyrdom?

And lest ye doubters think that poor Miss Van Ark is merely the victim of a bad camera angle or unflattering lighting, here's another shot:



Look at those claws! AAAAAAAAAAAAH! Joan Van Ark is no longer human! SHE IS A ZOMBIE WHO WILL EAT YOUR FACE!

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Frightening Celeb Photo of The Day

According to the new issue of Star, inexplicably-still-in-the-public-eye '80s mallteuse Deborah Gibson decided to get a little work done on her shnozz, with ghastly results:


(image via Jezebel.com)

Seriously, what was she thinking? As little as anyone recognized her before, now she not only doesn't look like herself, she doesn't much resemble a human.

I can't stop staring at that new nose. It is totally mesmerizing...Perhaps Deborah Gibson 2.0 has been sent here by her robot masters from outer space to hypnotize our species with her creepy new nose?

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Toy Vey!



Lordy, ya'll! The new Star magazine says Britney Spears has a sex-toy-filled love dungeon and her house is grody and filled with feces-from-various-species-smeared couches AND she's pregnant again by some waiter. From the New York Daily News:
The tabloid alleges that the plummeting pop star's Mulholland Drive mansion is equipped with a double-locked, X-rated "Fantasy Room" filled with ticklers, whips and fur-trimmed handcuffs hanging from the metal bedframe...

The second-floor room also features a mirrored ceiling, a glass jar containing spanking paddles and a closet full of kinky outfits, according to an "insider" who stumbled into the den of sin.

"She wears Catholic schoolgirl uniforms, a maid's uniform and a Cinderella outfit," claims the mole. The source also contends Brit is so obsessed with Marilyn Monroe that she wants her nose redone to look like the blond model of self-destruction.

"Britney is sexually obsessed," the source tells Star...

Star's source also claims the house is a stinky sty — that the white couches bear hideous stains of diaper-changing and Britney's dog. According to the tab, a "court-appointed watchdog" is set to declare the place a potential "health hazard."...

Star quotes "multiple independent sources" as saying Brit is expecting again.

"Yes, I am pregnant and I am shocked — almost four weeks to be exact," says Brit, or someone claiming to be Brit, in a message on her MySpace page, according to Star. "I don't really know if I'm happy or sad I'm just ... idk [I don't know] I am happy I guess. I saw the ultrasound and it was really kewl!"

OK. I can totally buy the tacky fantasy room and the "sexy" Cinderella outfits (seriously, though, WTF?) and the poopy sofas, but surely this last part isn't true! Even a possibly bipolar psychotic megalomaniac sex addict with daddy, mommy, and self-esteem issues wouldn't think it was "really kewl" to add another mouth to this particular litter at this particular time, right? RIGHT?

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

If You Watch Just One Video of a Mormon Dancing Like A Giant Doll to a Dirty Rolling Stones Song This Year, Make It THIS One

Miss Marie Osmond lost what was left of her mind on the finale of "Dancing With The Stars" last night and decided to do THIS:



WOW. Apparently, she was trying to make a tribute to her creepy doll-making past. According to Us Weekly's "Doll Dress Disaster" article, Marie, who was "surprised" when the judges hated her danse macabre (judge Bruno Tonioli called it a cross between "Baby Jane and the bride of Chucky") said she makes no apologies:
"I did it for all the people who have been voting for us, and I have a massive doll base and that’s who I did it for."

Well, that's something I can relate to, actually. Felt Up also has a "massive doll base," and thank sweet baby Jesus for that, or who else would read this thing?

I mean, really? WHO?

A Reason To Live



According to Latino hipster site Guanabee.com:
Mexican actors Gael García Bernal and Diego Luna are teaming up once again in the upcoming film Rudo y Cursi, directed by Carlos Cuarón (brother of Y tu mamá también director Alfonso Cuarón, for which Carlos wrote the screenplay). The movie is about two brothers. Who are hot. Also something about fraternal love and soccer. Plot is secondary unless it somehow manages to culminate in another “Ay güey, what have we done, güey? Awko taco!” sex scene.

Mexican soccer players? Ay ay ay! Swooning couch! Smelling salts!

I know I'm in the minority here on Earth, but I actually prefer Diego Luna to Gael García Bernal, especially once Diego started growing a beard, filling out, and starring in movies like this. However, they are both hot hot hottties and together are almost too much for an old cougar like me to bear!

O lord, I beseech thee: Please let there be another "'Ay güey, what have we done, güey? Awko taco!' sex scene"! PLEASE! AND I DON'T CARE IF THEY'RE PLAYING BROTHERS, EITHER.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

A Treat For D'Onofrionados

It warms your humble Felt Up blogette's cockles to see that of all the hot dudes' photos posted the other day, it was Vincent D'Onofrio's who struck the biggest chord with readers. I hear you, ladies!

Oh, the crush I have on this man knows no bounds of decency or reason! From Full Metal Jacket (who DIDN'T swoon over Private Pyle, I ask!?!) to Adventures in Babysitting, from Household Saints to The Player, and most especially in his role as Det. Robert "Bobby" Goren on Law & Order: Criminal Intent), Vincent D'Onofrio has enthralled and confused and delighted me for nigh on 20 years.

And, apparently, I am not alone. A quick perusal of YouTube yields a plethora of insane D'Onofrio fan videos, but I thought this one in particular summed up the feelings of us admirers and our appreciation of the man and his most popular character quite nicely. So without further ado, I present the Citizen Kane of Bobby Goren fan videos, Hot Stuff, by auteur, genius, and possible stalker LielieS.:



Well, as long as we're being silly, why not enjoy a fan video set to The Cure (even though Vincent is young and thin and thus naturally I don't think he's as hot)?:



And here's another supremely ridiculous Bobby Goren video:



Want to see a Criminal Intent montage set to Bette Midler's "The Rose"? of course you do! And while you're there you'll easily find the Billy Joel "You May Be Right" D'Onofrio tribute, and one set to "Total Eclipse of the Heart" and oh, just basically hours and hours of D'Onofrio-related entertainment!

Sometimes I really love these interwebs...

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

I Am Trying To Break Your Heart

The Munchkins from The Wizard of Oz got their star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame today, and the seven remaining actors (of the original 124) were on hand for the festivities. Look, ye cynics and misanthropes! Look upon this photo and if your heart doesn't melt at the sight then it is truly made of stone. STONE, I SAY:


(image via defamer.com)


Still unmoved? Too hardened by these times of ours to feel a swell of emotion right in the place where your Tin Man's heart should be? Well, then, take a gander at Clarence Swenson and his wife, Myrna! Mr. and Mrs. Swenson live in Pflugerville, Texas , which is spittin' distance from Felt Up HQ in Austin, and he was one of the Munchkins who made the trip to Hollywood for the ceremony. Just look at them. LOOK AT THEM!



(image via the austin american-statesman)


I don't care if you think The Wizard of Oz is overrated, I don't care if your entire childhood was tormented by endless nightmares of Munchkins chasing you with lollipops, I don't care what excuse you might have: These are the sweetest photos EVER!

More To Be Thankful For, Hot Dudes Edition!

Matt Damon, my ass.

Even though I find the whole concept ridonkulous, and I hate the word "sexiest," here are MY Sexiest Men Alive 2007:


JAVIER BARDEM! I'd rather you kill me with a cattle gun than see you frolicking with Penelope Cruz, though!


Clive Owen. Brooding, dark, remote, intense, vaguely hostile: PERFECT!


Joaquin Phoenix! If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: Hairlip=Hot.


Daniel Craig. Especially in those '70s outfits in "Munich"!


Amy Winehouse's backup singers! They give it their ALL.


Vincent D'Onofrio. The fatter and greyer, the better!

What the hell, here's one more Joaquin. It's my blog! You're not my father!


And, last but maybe first in my heart as of this very moment:


Alec Baldwin as "Jack Donaghy" on 30 Rock. You had me at "bust up a chiffarobe"!

Things To Be Thankful For!

Here are a few things to help you forget for a teensy moment all the wars and anorexic movie stars and African famines and Britney Spears's whole sad life and Saudi women getting getting 200 lashes and prison time for the crime of being gang-raped and--as much as I love her music--Amy Winehouse's cocaine-filled nose and drug-filled beehive and whatnot, and be thankful for some of the nice, life-affirming things we do have to celebrate, such as:

THIS.

And I highly recommend you Netflix this immediately if you've never seen it and make it a part of your holiday tradition, even though it has nothing whatsoever to do with Christmas or Thanksgiving, because it is just a wonderful, funny, total delight and makes life worth living!

Just like this video from the best show on television right now, 30 Rock, featuring Tracy Morgan as "Tracy Jordan" and his novelty song "Werewolf Bar Mitzvah":



Then from Saturday Night Live, here's pretty much the only skit(s) I ever liked featuring Jimmy Fallon, "The Barry Gibb Talk Show" (with the always-surprisingly-brilliant Justin Timberlake):

SNL Barry Gibb Talk Show



And, via Jezebel.com, here's a wonderful clip of Stevie Wonder in his prime with a killer band singing "Superstition" on vintage "Sesame Street," which is worth watching all the way to the end and, if you're an old lady like me, may bring a wee tear to yer Irish eye, as you get nostalgic looking back at the kind of Utopian multicultural world o' funky soul that used to be presented to us on television on a daily basis when we were kids:



I think I am most thankful that I got to be young back then, and not now!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Us Weekly Reports Britney Was Always Doomed To Be Slutty Nut



The big cover story from the new Us Weekly is that Britney Spears was--shockingly!--not really a virgin until her 20s but actually gave it up when she was 14, and that since her grandmother shot herself at age 31 at the grave of her dead baby, Britney was clearly fated to flash her ladyparts, shave off all her hair, attack papparazzi with umbrellas, feed her kids Crest White Strips and Cheetos, and, worst crime of all, to make a lacklaster comeback performance at the 2007 MTV VMAs:
Us reports in its new issue that Spears lost her virginity at 14 to boyfriend Reg Jones, and that she and Justin Timberlake were intimate from the beginning.

Something Spears also kept secret: Her family's tragic history.

Us has learned that Spears' paternal grandmother, Emma Jean Spears, in June 1966 committed suicide at age 31. Britney's grandmother, who suffered from depression, shot herself in the chest with a shotgun at the grave of her infant son who had died eight years earlier just three days after being born.

A local newspaper article obtained by Us reported at the time: "The shotgun had been pressed against the woman's chest and she apparently pulled the trigger with a toe of the right foot from which a shoe had been removed." The newspaper reported that Emma Jean had attempted suicide three times before.

Emma Jean Spears left behind four other children, including Britney's father, Jamie Spears, then an eighth grader. Two of Jamie Spears' brothers ended up with criminal records and homeless.

Oh, ya'll! This is all very sad and all very unsurprising--I mean, wouldn't you have totally already guessed that Britney's grandma was named "Emma Jean"? Every family has skeletons, and the olden-timey lady in me thinks it is really tacky to print all this stuff about Britney now.

And you thought your Thanksgiving was going to suck!

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Project Runway Star to Be At STITCH Tonight Along With Every Other Cool Person In Town!



I would be terribly remiss in my duties if I did not pass on some info about Friends of Felt Up Jennifer P.. and Tina S.. and their amazing STITCH Fashion Show and Guerilla Craft Bazaar which happens tonight here in Austin.

This is the fifth amazing year for Stitch, and it just keeps on getting bigger and more fabulous. The new venue is the Austin Convention Center at 500 E. Cesar Chavez, in exhibit hall one. The doors open at 4pm, and the fashion show starts at 9:30.

Entertainment will be provided by such luminaries as:

Prince Klassen
DJ Ian Orth
BIGFACE
DJ Jennifer
Double Dutch WIll Take You Higher
Uber MC Matt Beardon

AND extra-special guest Bradley Baumkirchner from "Project Runway"! OMG!

Tons of great fashions will be strutted down the runway, including designs from local superstars Chia,Hot Pink Pistol, Naughty Secretary Club, Tina Sparkles, and more, more, MORE, plus a ginormous craft fair that is a perfect place to pick up some Christmas gifts and meet-n-greet the elite of Austin's ever-growing DIY scene.

Get thee to a craftery, people! Support local businesses and artists! DO IT! Tickets available for a mere $10 right here.

Friday, November 09, 2007

From Winehouse To The Big House?



Oh, boy. Amy Winehouse's cad nogoodnik rent-boy husband Blake Fielder-Civil was dragged off in a paddy wagon in London, after police investigated him for allegedly scheming to pay off a witness in his upcoming assault trial--which I didn't even know about!--last night. From the
UK Mirror:
Amy Winehouse's husband Blake Fielder-Civil was sensationally arrested in front of her last night over a claimed £200,000 plot to fix a trial.

As eight plain-clothed officers manacled Fielder-Civil and led him off to cells, the tearful jazz diva begged hysterically: "I want to go with him."

Then she stood on tiptoe, threw her arms around his neck, hugged and kissed him and repeatedly said: "Baby, I love you. Baby, I'll be fine." Finally, weeping and hyperventilating Amy, 24, ran out of the flat and shouted to Fielder-Civil in the courtyard below: "I'll be fine. Baby, I love."

Fielder-Civil managed to shout back "I love you" before being bundled into an unmarked people carrier.

The dramatic arrest at a flat in Bow, East London, came hours after 10 police officers used a battering ram to smash down the front door of the couple's home in Camden, North London.

Last night Amy's mother-in-law Georgette said: "She's totally distraught and too upset to talk."

Earlier detectives had been tipped off by the Mirror to an astonishing alleged plot to halt a trial in which Fielder-Civil and pal Michael Brown are accused of assaulting a barman causing GBH with intent. It is claimed £200,000 would have been paid to alleged victim James King to withdraw his police statement.

He would also be flown out of the country before the hearing in the hope that the case against Fielder-Civil, 25, and Brown - due on on Monday - would eventually collapse.

As part of our investigation King, who needed metal plates fitted in his face, was filmed withdrawing his allegations about the assault.

Amy was not filmed at meetings observed by the Mirror and there is no evidence to suggest she was involved in the alleged plot.

And I think I have too much drama in my life! Ha! Amy Winehouse has more drama in one strand of her beehive wig than I do in my entire personal history since the day I was born! It is totally insane! And why do I have the feeling that just possibly that £200,000 did not come from her husband's personal piggy bank?

Developing....

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Leg Up!



I am kind of in love with this story from Page Six today:
Stella McCartneyis fighting back against her evil ex-stepmonster, Heather Mills.

Last week, Mills told "Extra" that Stella - who never liked the one-legged "model" and once begged her father, Paul, not to marry her - did some "evil, evil things. She scraped my face out of a photo."

Now the fashion designer has created a jewelry line, and her first effort is a necklace featuring a single-leg pendant. The bauble costs $500 - a lot less than the $100 million Mills is looking to get from Paul.
So bitchy! So tasteless! SO AWESOME! I can't wait to see who on Team Stella will actually wear this out in public. Will Stella-bestie-friend Gwyneth Paltrow deign to wear this bauble on her giraffe-like neck? I can't really see it. But I can totally imagine Madonna swanning around with Heather Mills' effigy leg dangling from that ancient, shriveled vein she calls a throat...

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Sometimes I Watch TV



Did anyone else catch The Sex Pistols on Craig Ferguson last night? It was a total delight! Johnny Lydon is chubby now in a quite adorable way and he kept rubbing his belly and lifting up his shirt and tweaking his nipples, plus he shouted "fat is the new slim!" at the end of the performance of "Pretty Vacant." Cheeky! Also, incredibly, all four members (original bass player Glenn Matlock has taken over for Sid Vicious, RIP) have completely full heads of hair, which is jaw-droppingly amazing considering they are a) in late middle-age, and,rather more importantly, b) British. Good times!



Speaking of good times, the premiere of the fifth season of Nip/Tuck was très incroyable. The move to L.A. has somehow brought the show back to its tacky, over-the-top roots and I couldn't be happier! What was my favorite part, you ask? Well, it's very hard to choose! I looooooooved the Tia Carrera as the extreme-S&M-mistress-who-masticates-on-studio-chief -Craig Bierko's-burly-chest storyline, but Oliver Platt and Bradley Cooper as the director and star of Hearts & Scalpels, the hilariously Nip/Tuck-ish show-within-a-show were also tremendous, as was Lauren Hutton as a devious publicist. However, top honors have to go to the always-awesome Jennifer Coolidge and her tour-de-force "pussy lips" line-reading. Brava, lady, brava!

If you've never been into Nip/Tuck or got turned-off by the endless serial killer/organ theft ring story arcs from the last couple of seasons, you need to get off your high horse and get thee to a tv-watchery and tune in to the F/X network on Tuesdays at 9pm because Nip/Tuck IS BACK!

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Blondes Have Less Fun



Dear god, this Halloween just gets weirder and crazier and more vomitous! Now I hear tell that two of my fellow Texans, tears-of-a-clown Owen Wilson and...oh, I don't even want to type this!....sweet baby Jesus in the manger, please guide my hand! aaaaaaaaah!.....sigh....here goes...OK....deep breath...just spit it out!....JESSICA SIMPSON may possibly have gone on what might, in certain circles, be called a "date." From Ben Widdicomb's NY Daily News column:
Jessica Simpson sure makes a great anti-depressant.

She and Owen Wilson have been spotted on a date in Los Angeles, according to the new issue of Star magazine.

The two dined Sunday at the Huntley Hotel in Santa Monica before retiring to his Malibu home.

"He couldn't keep his hands off her," a witness tells the mag.

Apparently, sparks flew between the two Texans when they were in Austin on Oct. 16 to appear in a video with Willie Nelson.
I never in a million years thought I'd say this, but DAMN YOU, WILLIE NELSON! GODDAMN YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL!

Owen, dear, I know you're illin' and all, and I also know that sometimes it might seem like a little nookie with a developmentally-disabled blonde big-boobed bimbo with daddy issues is just what the doctor ordered, because, hey, we've all been there, right? BUT IF YOU END UP IN A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP WITH JESSICA SIMPSON I WILL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO THROW YOU OFF A CLIFF. And who would believe it wasn't a suicide, eh? Mwah ha hah! The perfect crime! Consider yourself warned...THIS WILL NOT STAND!

Ashley Takes a Tour De Lance



I wish I could say that this is a cruel Halloween prank, but alas, it is all too real: The New York Post's gossip column, Page Six, is reporting that Ashley Olsen (AKA "The Fat Olsen") is dating...LANCE ARMSTRONG! AAAAAAAAH!
ODD couple alert: Ashley Olsen has a new, older man.

The 21-year-old twin showed up to the Rose Bar at the Gramercy Park Hotel Monday night with Tory Burch's ex, Lance Armstrong, 36.

Our bar spy said, "They came together with a group of friends. Ashley drank red wine, sat on his lap and they were making out all night. They left together around 2 a.m."

Armstrong has been spending more time in town since he bought a home here.
Ewwww! Gross! To me Lance Armstrong seems waaaay older than 36, and Ashely is like a teeny, tiny Monchichi stuffed animal, so it's especially gag-inducing. I don't know how tall he is, but she's so itty-bitty I bet he could carry her around with one hand, like one of her ginormous purses. He could use her as a festive container to hold his treats when he goes trick-or-treating tonight! Maybe they're both gay and this is all an elaborate ruse... Instead of being a "mirken," she can be his Birkin! Ha ha ha!

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Frightening Angelina Jolie Vein Photos of The Day



Serioulsy, my peeps, whose hand/arm is the scariest of them all? Angelina Jolie's or Madonna's? I just can't decide! Both are totally terrifying!

However, today the question on at least one nation's lips is whether or not Angelina's extremely disturbing gnarled claws look worse than an old man's. The delightfully trashy UK Daily Mail helpfully compares Angelina's gross, ancient-looking crone hands in a vein-off with actual old person Clint Eastwood's--and no suprise here--Angelina loses!
She is more than four decades younger than him and has only one Oscar to his two.

But when it comes to bulging veins Angelina Jolie has the upper hand on Clint Eastwood.

On the set of their new film The Changeling, the actress, 32, displayed a pair of translucent, lined forearms and skeletal fingers that looked even older than the veteran film-maker's.

Check 'em out--can you tell whose arm is 32 years old and whose is 77?



Clint's is on the right!

And here's another view:



Angelina's veiny arm might make a scaaaaaary Halloween costume! Although being a pale veiny cylindrical thing might raise a few eyebrows. Or not, depending on your neighborhood....