Tuesday, December 05, 2006

I Blame The Pita Chips

New developments in two current gossip stories that now appear to be at least marginally connected to each other: It turns out that that dude from "Prison Break" who crashed his SUV and killed a teenager was bestest friends with Jessica Simpson, and Janet Charlton says his accident was the reason Simpson effed up her rendition of "Nine to Five" at the Kennedy Center Honors for Dolly Parton:
NOW we know why Jessica Simpson was in TEARS at the Kennedy Center Honors. She had just found out about Lane Garrison's tragic auto accident. (One teenage male passenger was killed and two girls were injured.) Lane was like a brother to her - they grew up in the same town and when he had problems at home, he went to live with Jessica's dad Joe Simpson when he was a teenager. Simpson helped make Lane a star like he did his daughters.

And Lane loved being famous. When he went to Ralph's Saturday night to buy pita chips, two teen girls saw him and got VERY excited. They begged him to come to their high school party to impress their friends. Lane couldn't resist the flattery.

Just how much he had to drink before and during the party will be apparent when his blood test results come back. When Lane wanted to leave, the girls begged the boy who was killed to come along because they were a little afraid of Lane. The joy ride ended abruptly when his SUV crashed into a tree.

Acquaintances of Lane are predicting that the blood test will show more than alcohol was in his system. Right now Lane's in hiding and Jessica is still distraught.

Seriously, that is the most pathetic thing I've heard in a long, long time. The guy is 26 years old and he goes to a high school party to revel in teenagers' adoration and/or get into some underage pants? Unbelievably sad and loserish.

Lane Garrison: You killed some kid, you may or may not be a statutory rapist, your "career" is in ruins, and Joe Simpson is your svengali. Why not just commit hari kari now before your shame spiral continues ever downward into some real, non-TV prison time?

Jessica Simpson: No excuse is good enough for insulting Dolly, and especially not one as retarded as this. I stand by my call for your deportation! Achtung: Get thee to a Hasselhoffery, flee with him to Deutschland at once, and never, ever come back!

Now, good day sir. I said good day!

1 comment:

TrAngela said...

If I don't get "Felt Up" daily, then all is wrong in the world. This post is a premiere example of what I'm talking about.