Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Get Your Hand Out Of My Ass And Into The...



NOTE: Your humble Felt Up blogette has been under the weather the past few days; in her over-the-counter drug-induced fog, she might have forgotten or rearranged a few scenes from this episode. Your patience in this matter is very much appreciated. Carry on.

On last night's episode of "Nip/Tuck" there was:

One hot-to-trot lady who wants a boob job--but only from the supposedly rat bastard surgeon, not from the sadsack surgeon.

One sadsack surgeon plunging further down the slippery sadsack slope of despair at ever being able to compete with the supposedly rat bastard surgeon.

One scene of the lady getting her boob job while the song "Up-Up And Away," by The Fifth Dimension, featuring the line "Wouldn't you like to ride in my beautiful balloon?"plays in the background.

One supposedly rat bastard surgeon asking his fiancee/boss lady if she will legally adopt WILBUR, the cutest, most adorable child to ever walk the earth; she says she is still not sure.

One supposedly rat bastard surgeon pushing WILBUR, the cutest, most adorable child to ever walk the earth, on a swing in a park; his fiancee/boss lady is tired and wants to go home and is sort of put out that all this playtime in the park means they'll have to cancel their dinner plans that night.

One shot of Madam Jacqueline Bisset lurking in the background; she calls someone on her cell phone and inquires how much two kidneys from a child are worth! AAAAAAAAH! WILBUR!

One appearance of crazy ole Gina, the sex addict/freak-a-deak who duped the supposedly rat bastard surgeon into belieiving that baby WILBUR was his child, until he emerged from the birth canal African-American; she wants to share custody of WILBUR; the supposedly rat bastard surgeon says "no dice, crazy." (I'm paraphrasing.)

One scene of a ventriloquist who wants a face lift so he will look more like his dummy. AAAAAAAH!

One fantasy sequence in which the sadsack surgeon sees himself as the ventriloquist and the supposedly rat bastard surgeon as the dummy, who says "Now get your hand out of my ass!"

One scene of the fiancee/boss lady arriving in her office to discover Madam Jacqueline Bisset playing "Operation" (!) with WILBUR, the cutest, most adorable child to ever walk the earth; seeing the organ thief with WILBUR kickstarts the boss lady's maternal instincts, and she snatches WILBUR away from La Bisset and yells at her.

One scene of the supposedly rat bastard surgeon having dinner in a fancy restaurant with his fiancee/boss lady and WILBUR, the cutest, most adorable child to ever walk the earth; she agrees to sign the papers to legally adopt WILBUR.

One appearance of Gina, the sex addict/freak-a-deak/potential stalker, who has followed them to the restaurant; she causes a huge scene, screaming and carrying-on and scaring WILBUR.

One scene of Kimber, the former porn star/fiancee of the supposedly rat bastard surgeon/current wife of the creepy Michael Jackson-lookalike son, telling her Scientologist (therapist? helper? not sure what her role is exactly, let's just call her the) enabler that her creepy high-school-age husband is "boring" in bed. What a shock!

One scene of the creepy Michael Jackson-lookalike son discovered by the sadsack surgeon in the waiting room of the supposedlly rat bastard surgeon; it turns out he wants to talk to the supposedly rat bastard surgeon about learning some sex tricks to please his former porn star wife.

One sadsack surgeon insisting that he, too, can provide sex tricks to his creepy (non-biological) son; when he gets all technical, the creepy son says it's like listening to Dr. Ruth, which leads the sadsack surgeon to lose the technical talk and say stuff like "bang her real hard" and other cringe-inducing phrases.

One scene of the ventriloquist getting his facelift to the tune of "I'm Your Puppet" by James and Bobby Purify playing oh-so-brilliantly in the background.

One exposition during the dummy-ectomy that lesbian anesthesiologists Liz and Alanis Morissette have broken up due to Alanis' unmitigated bitchery; she bursts into the surgery to beg Liz to take her back, but Liz says "no dice, crazy." (Again, I'm paraphrasing.)

One scene in the same park, with the supposedly rat bastard surgeon and his boss lady/fiancee pushing WILBUR, the cutest, most adorable child to ever walk the earth, on a swing; he walks away and leaves the boss lady in charge; then she lets some strange little girl take over! WILBUR IS IN DANGER! AAAAAAAH!

One horrifying scene of the supposedly rat bastard surgeon and his boss lady/fiancee discovering that WILBUR IS GONE; the supposedly rat bastard surgeon is sure that crazy ole Gina took Wilbur, while his boss lady/fiancee is equally certain that Madam Bisset has kidnapped Wilbur. Who is right?

One horrifying scene of the creepy Michael Jackson-lookalike son explaining to his ex-porn star wife that he has hired her old porn star film crew to help them make a sex tape for their personal use; one totally grossed-out blogette wanting to pull out her eyeballs after witnessing the sex scene that ensues.

One scene of Madam Bisset pulling a gun on the boss lady/fiancee in her office; she tells her about the death of her own son when he was 18 months old, and says she never thought she would be the kind of person who would take a child's kidneys and then she shoots herself in front of the boss lady/fiancee.

One phone call from the supposedly rat bastard surgeon to his boss lady/fiancee, telling her that WILBUR, the cutest, most adorable child to ever walk the earth, is safe and sound; apparently it was crazy ole Gina who snatched Wilbur.

One scene of crazy ole Gina telling the supposedly rat bastard surgeon that WILBUR, the cutest, most adorable child to ever walk the earth, was screaming and carrying on so much that she now realizes that she could never be a parent.

One supposedly rat bastard surgeon and his boss lady/fiancee explaining the suicide-on-the-premises of the late Madam Bisset; one blogette wondering when someone will wonder about the legions of dead bodies that appear so frequently around these two surgeons.

One sadsack surgeon telling the supposedly rat bastard surgeon that he wants to be bought out of their practice because he is always going to be in the shadow of the supposedly rat bastard surgeon and needs to go out on his own and be a sadsack somewhere else.

One scene of the creepy Michael Jackson-lookalike son engaging in a repulsive gynecologist sex fantasy; the real gyno walks in and lectures the ex-porn star on having sex during pregnancy; it turns out that a) the gyno is a Scientologist and considers this tantamount to child abuse and b) the "personal" sex movie they made is all over the internet, thanks to the porn star's best pal, the lady director, who put it up on her website without asking for permission.

One boss lady/fiancee getting into her car to discover Escobar, the escaped murderer/criminal mastermind whose face was re-configured twice by the surgeons, sitting next to her; it turns out that Madam Bisset worked for Escobar, and now the boss lady/fiancee has to continue the dirty work or else!

One set of previews indicating that next week we will meet Escobar's glamtastic befurred wife, who wants plastic surgery (of course!); it's the season finale so who knows what could happen?

One blogette on pins and needles!

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