Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Two, Two, TWO Re-Hashes In ONE!

Yes, I have been a tad remiss in my re-hashing duties, but I had very important business to attend to last Tuesday at a bar and I didn't see that particular episode until recently. All right?

And while we are on the subject of my remissness, I will be out of town on a fact-finding mission to the cradle of American liberty, Philadelphia, PA, for the rest of this week, and will be far too busy exploring American democracy in all its many glories--especiallay as it exists at The King Of Prussia Mall (The Second Largest Mall In America!), using my freedoms to seek out the fancy Forever 21 megastore XXi and the Ikea of Clothing, H&M--to be able to blog. I'm also pretty sure they don't have the interweb in Philly. So most likely no new posts until Monday, Nov. 20. But I shall return! Don't cry for me, Argentina! You know I've never left you. All through my wild days, my mad existence, I kept my promise, don't keep your distance.

Where was I? Oh, yes, two very special episodes of "Nip/Tuck." Dude, the one from last week walked a very fine line between genius and madness. And came out the other end of a re-treaded anus smelling like GENIUS. So. In summary, on last week's episode of "Nip/Tuck" there was:

One re-appearance of the drug-addicted ne'er do well surgeon, Dr. Merrill Bobolit, whose proclamation that he had been in prison for a year and a half prompted yours truly to shriek "anal reconstruction! anal reconstruction!" at the screen and then pump my fists in triumph when he did, indeed, demand an "anal re-tread" surgery following 36 months of near-constant anal rape. I so called it.

One revelation that Bobolit got married in prison and had his husband's name branded on his ass. (Perhaps Dr. Brooke Shields should go to prison--sounds like her kinda good times!)

One showing-off of Bobolit's ass, which shows his prison husband was scary/psychotic/delightful Escobar!

One flashback showing the plastic surgeons remaking Escobar's face so that he won't be recognized as the FBI's number one Most Wanted, but instead oh-so-smartly making his face look just like the number four Most Wanted, a child molester.

ZERO explanation of why the U.S. justice system never got around to taking Escobar's fingerprints. Sigh.

One scene of Bobolit explaining that he is delivering a message from his husband: Since being a child molester is the lowest form of scum (just under snitch, which is what Bobolit was, hence the anal re-tread), some prisoners lit Escobar's face on fire and now he wants the surgeons to fix it.

One threat of blackmail by exposing the surgeons' complicity in feeding the dead body of one Silvio Perez to alligators during a previous episode.

One set of plastic surgeons visiting Escobar in prison, where he tells them he wants his old face back.

One supposedly nice surgeon carefully removing the bandages from Escobar's face, which switches back and forth from gooey char to Fantasy Escobar in the supposedly nice surgeon's mind.

One exposition from Escobar that he will be allowed to have his surgery at the surgeons' office because he supplies heroin to the warden.

One anal-retread surgery performed to "How Deep Is Your Love" by The Bee Gees.
(By the way, I found out via a TV Guide "Nip/Tuck" blog that the brilliant music supervisor who should win some kind of special Emmy for "Outstanding Achievement in Awesomeness," is named P.J. Bloom. Bravo, Mr. or Ms. Bloom! Bravo!)

One supposedly rat bastard surgeon taking out his former fiancee/porn star/daughter-in-law's breast implants; while in there, he secretly (and quite illegally) takes some blood from her uterus so he can test her fetus' DNA.

One supposedly rat bastard surgeon finding out the fetus is his grandchild, not his child. The poor baby must now grow up with the creepy Michael Jackson lookalike as his dad.

One supposedly nice surgeon confronting super-hot male little person night nurse about his relationship with the surgeon's wife.

One supposedly nice surgeon obviously wanting to punch the super-hot male little person night nurse, who steps up on a ladder to make it "easier" for the surgeon.

One supposedly nice surgeon sneering, "I painted over your mural" instead of punching the super-hot male little person night nurse.

One supposedly nice surgeon confronting his wife about the super-hot male little person night nurse; the wife, unlike the night nurse, admits that they had an affair.

One supposedly nice surgeon outraged--outraged!--at his wife's infidelity, while conveniently forgetting to mention that he banged the former, not-hot full-sized female night nurse/potential stalker who got run over by a bus.

One surgery on Escobar, whose face is quite remarkably (and impossibly, I think) returned to its former scary glory.

One Dr. Bobolit coming in to assist in the surgery, who then tries and fails to murder Escobar for being his husband. Oh, Bobolit. So many wives have the same dream!

One lecture from Escobar to the supposedly nice surgeon that he has to tell his wife about the affair because a man's honor is tied to his truth-telling, or something. Did you tell the truth to Mrs. Escobar while you were raping him in prison, Escboar? Oh, all right. I'm sure you did.

One hysterical scene of creepy Michael Jackson's wife getting some kind of pregnancy help from a female Scientologist; one extremely bitchy wife chastising him for getting her regular water instead of fizzy water; one to-die-for moment when creepy Michael Jackson doesn't know who Kelly Preston is.

One scene of fed-to-the-alligator-guy's brother pretending to be a nurse for Escobar.

One scene of the supposedly rat bastard surgeon finding a recovery room filled with tons of dead prison guards and empty of Escobar.

One scene of the supposedly nice surgeon thinking he's seeing Fantasy Escobar in his living room, then realizing it's Real Escobar, who tells him that "the truth will set you free" and mentioning that he has taken care of the hold he had over the surgeons.

One remarkably calm supposedly nice surgeon discovering the body of fed-to-the-alligator-guy's brother, who has been shot dead in the surgeon's house.

One remarkably calm wife of the supposedly nice surgeon hearing her husband call the police to report a murder.

One supposedly nice surgeon responding to his wife's remarkably calm query about what is going on with the news that he had an affair with the not-hot full-sized female night nurse/potential stalker/bus accident victim

Zero follow-up from wife about murdered dead body in her home.

One million questions from a perplexed blogette...none of which will be answered on the next episode of "Nip/Tuck," because on this one there was:

One scene of the future in 20 years, when uni-lobster clawed Connor McNamara interviews with a therapist just before having surgery to correct his lobster claw.

One hysterical scene of the main cast members in old-age make-up, with a particularly resplendent supposedly rat bastard surgeon with two "Addicted To Love" video rejects on his arm, meeting in a futuristic restaurant that serves little piles of foam food.

One truly wonderful appearance by Jan Brady from the "Brady Bunch" movies as the adult Annie, the put-upon daughter of the supposedly nice surgeon and his wife; Annie is so jealous of the attention Connor has gotten for his lobster claw that she "acts out" with drug addictions, imagined illnesses, eating disorders, and all kinds of silly and funny eye-rolling, lips-pursed facial expressions. Brilliant!

One revelation that the creepy Michael Jackson son is now a plastic surgeon and looks much better with fake old age make-up than he does without it.

One series of "flashbacks" to the present time, showing a hurricane bearing down on Miami, the dumping of super-hot male little person night nurse by clearly unhinged wife of supposedly nice plastic surgeon, further estrangement of lil' Annie, complete meltdown of supposedly nice plastic surgeon when he realizes his marriage is finally over, one tearful goodbye said to uni-lobster-clawed baby Connor by super-hot male little person night nurse, the exit of wife from the show (supposedly actress Joely Richardson is leaving to deal with an illness in her family, but maybe she'll be back for guest appearances?).

One scene of faux-aged, still super-hot male little person former night nurse in the future, bonding further with Connor, who stayed in his life. Awww!

One hysterical scene of supposedly nice surgeon congratulating super-hot male little person on his son's professional baseball accomplishments. Oh, such exquisite irony!

One scene of Connor discussing the fact that he chose his brother, creepy Michael Jackson, to perform his lobster claw-ectomy instead of his father.

One scene of Connor asking his father to assist in the surgery.

One lobster claw-ectomy performed.

One arrest of Annie for stealing drugs from hospital.

One confrontation between Annie and her parents, which leads to healing and new beginnings.

One family finally reunited, albeit in funny wigs.

One series of previews indicating guest star Catherine Deneuve (OMG!) is going to demand her dead husband's ashes be injected into her breasts, the reappearance of deranged Dr. Brooke Shields (huzzah!), and the possible engagement between boss lady/interracial lover and the supposedly rat bastard surgeon!

One blogette glad to get back to the show being set in the present, which is filled to capacity with aging, gorgeous, glamorous dames from around the globe!

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