Wednesday, November 22, 2006

They're Not Gay, But They Do Love The...



Whew! I'm still reeling from the incredible awesomeness of last night's surprise appearance by blous-a-palooza (and Felt Up fave rave) Brenda Vaccaro and the bitchfest she laid on Catherine Deneuve. Really, "Nip/Tuck," your commitment to resurrecting glamourous ladies of bygone eras and putting them in compromising positions on your show is to be commended! A tv program in 2006 featuring guest performances by Catherine Denueve, Brenda Vaccaro, and Jacqueline Bisset--all in the same episode? Unheard of--and oh, so heavenly! Bravo!

But back to business. On last night's "Nip/Tuck" there was:

One glamourous French lady played by (huzzah!) Catherine Deneuve, who asks the plastic surgeons to replace her current breast implants with ones that have been injected with the ashes of her late husband.

One supposedly nice surgeon, who would usually be the one to pooh-pooh such a suggestion, who is so upset over the recent departure of his wife and daughter that he finds the French lady's idea very "romantic."

One supposedly rat bastard surgeon who thinks the idea is too wacky to consider.

One supposedly nice surgeon who gets upset when told that the supposedly rat bastard surgeon and his boss lady/interracial lover have made the decision that they will not perform the ash implant surgery.

One supposedly rat bastard surgeon who tells the other surgeon that he should "see someone" to talk about the loss of his wife and child.

One scene of the supposedly rat bastard surgeon proposing marriage to his boss lady/interracial lover by putting a diamond ring in her champagne glass; she says she "wants to say yes," but is worried that he is not thinking through what kind of commitment marriage really means; she also demands that he sell his incredibly gay-decorated condo/sexual playground.

One supposedly nice surgeon who sees "someone," all right--crazy Dr. Brooke Shields, licensed therapist/diagnosed sexual compulsive/potential stalker!

One scene of crazy Dr. Brooke Shields, who is so enraged at the news that her potential stalkee, the supposedly rat bastard surgeon, has gotten engaged to his boss lady, that she tells the supposedly nice surgeon that his partner came to her for help because of his homosexual feelings for the supposedly nice surgeon and that the only way he can regain a sense of control over his life is to perform the dead husband ash breast implant operation on M. Deneuve.

One scene of the supposedly nice surgeon about to operate on M. Deneuve, while a nonplussed supposedly rat bastard surgeon asks what the hell is going on.

One scene of the supposedly rat bastard surgeon showing his condo to fellow metrosexual horndog/plastic surgeon/bare-ass shower-offer Dr. Mario Lopez, who clearly wants to emulate his hero by buying the condo; his hero keeps seeing The Ghosts of Sexual Partners Past, including Kimber, his former fiancee/former porn star/current daughter-in-law, blind Natasha (Rebecca Gayheart), and Abby Mays (Rebecca Metz), the one who had to wear a bag over her face while getting sexed by the supposedly rat bastard surgeon while he was in full rat bastard mode.

One scene of the newly-engaged boss lady entering her office to find Madame Jacqueline Bissett, who demands the use of the surgery three nights a week for her organ-theft ring; the boss lady refuses and slaps her hard across the face.

One scene of the supposedly rat bastard surgeon telling the supposedly nice surgeon that he's having doubts about marrying the boss lady, which leads to the supposedly nice surgeon reavealing that Dr. Brooke Shields has told him all about the supposedly rat bastard surgeon's gay feelings for him, and that he shouldn't worry, because they are brothers and he still loves him, just not in that way.

One supposedly rat bastard surgeon who denies he is gay and says "Is it my eyebrows? If I don't wax, I get this unibrow thing, and it gets ugly. Just because I groom 'em doesn't mean I've gone 'Brokeback'," which is a funny line, even though I'm getting rather bored with the the whole "Brokeback Mountain"-as-shorthand-for-all-things-gay thing.

One scene of the supposedly rat bastard surgeon confronting crazy Dr. Brooke Shields in her office; he brings in the supposedly nice surgeon, whom he tells all about Dr. Brook's diagnosed sexual compulsion, and how he bent her over the desk, and how she had a tattoo on her lower back removed that said "Property of Marco"; when she protests, he bends her over the desk and lifts up her jacket and blouse to reaveal...the "Property of Dr. Christian Troy" tattoo that she had (very painfully) put over the place where the old one had been.

One scene of M. Deneuve, whose post-operation recovery is violently and hilariously interrupted by Brenda Vaccaro, whose husband's ashes are inside M. Deneuve's boobs; it turns out M. Deneuve was the late Victor's mistress, not his wife; look out! Vaccaro is on a rampage!

One scene of the supposedly rat bastard surgeon entering his office to find Madame Jacqueline Bissett, whose face is a terrible black-and-blue pulp; apparently the hot Asian gangsters roughed her up so that she would speed up the organ thieving ASAP.

One supposedly rat bastard surgeon agreeing to perform plastic surgery on Madame Jacqueline Bisset's face.

One boss lady/fiancee who, while scantily-clad and leaning seductively on the supposedly rat bastard's bed, is not amused to discover he just operated on her blackmailer/former pimp; she storms out; the marriage is in jeopardy!

One contrite supposedly nice surgeon, who tells the supposedly rat bastard surgeon that they are under court order to remove the dead husband's ashes from M. Deneuve and return them to the Widow Vaccaro.

One scene of the boss lady coming into the surgery at night to find Madame Jacqueline Bisset and her Slavic prostitute/amateur surgeon removing the kidney of some poor schmuck on the operating table while a creepy version of "Que Sera Sera" plays in the background.

One supposedly nice surgeon coming into the surgery the next day to apologize to his boss lady (who is frantically cleaning) about being a dick, welcome her to the family, and have a nice hug; the camera pulls away to show some leftover blood from the organ theft the night before.

One supposedly rat bastard surgeon packing up the condo! The marriage is back on! But he has one last look at The Ghosts of Sexual Partners Past and tells them "it's been swell."

One supposedly nice surgeon handing over a box of ashes to the Widow Vaccaro, who then gleefully runs around the office trying to find a toilet to flush down the remains; she finally dumps them in a sink and says they will be food for the fishes; apparently neither the Widow Vaccaro nor her attorney thinks to have the ashes authenticated by a lab.

One supposedly nice surgeon in a recovery room with M. Deneuve; he reveals that he actually gave the Widow Vaccaro some of M. Deneuve's old cigarette ashes and hands the real ashes to a tearful M. Deneuve, who thanks the surgeon by giving him a nice, lingering kiss on the mouth. (Which means actor Dylan Walsh is the luckiest man on American television!) Quelle romantique!

One series of previews indicating that next week's episode is entirely about the supposedly nice surgeon's drunken escapades duing the holidays!

One blogette agog at the genius of this show!

3 comments:

annika said...

hey Jennifer! Hope you dont mind me commenting your excellent blogging skills! I´m visiting your page every now and then to get some updates of what´s going on among the stars. Is that really you in the pic? I think I´ve seen you in a magazine here in Sweden where I live.
Anyway, I have a really good time reading your stuff and will keep coming here every so often. Take care!/ ( ive written my blogg adress...it´s in swedish though haha)
Annika

jennifer said...

Annika: Thanks for your kind words! And yes, there IS a woman named Jocelyn Wildenstein (aka "The Cat Woman") who bears a striking resemblence to moi, but she is a mere impersonator of my original cat-like charms...

Keep on reading!

jennifer

Neda said...

Merci pour la unique pr├ęsentation de l'├ępisode avec notre divin Deneuve!

Somnolent Bonjours depuis France!