Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Some Things Get Hotter The Longer You Wait For Them. Just Like The...



On the last episode of "Nip/Tuck" there was:

One formerly "love yourself as you are"-proclaiming lesbian anesthesiologist, Liz, demanding liposuction and a wee face lift from an incredulous pair of plastic surgeons, because she wants to please her new girlfriend, Poppy, who is also an anesthesiologist.

One organ-theft ringleader/madam, played by Jacqueline Bisset, peeved at having to get her own gas at a fancy gas station in the middle of the night.

One Madam Jacqueline getting accosted by two hot, French-speaking Asian gangsters, who pour gasoline all over her designer belted trench-y coat and threaten to burn her to a crisp if she doesn't come up with another kidney to meet their "quota" tres rapidement.

One meeting between the lesbian anesthesiologist girlfriends (one of whom, Poppy, is played by Alanis Morissette) and the supposedly-nice surgeon, who worries that all the Poppy-planned 5K runs, extensive plastic surgery, and prolonged contact with the person who sang "Ironic" might be too much for Liz in her post-kidney-theft-and-organ-transplant recovery.

One incredibly unlikable Alanis Morissette giving the supposedly-nice surgeon a "love Liz as she is, but help her to be the best she can be" speech.

One super-hot male little person night nurse (Peter Dinklage!) being told he can take the night off from caring for the uni-lobster-clawed baby by the supposedly nice surgeon, who also insanely encourages his wife to go see a movie with the incredibly hot male little person night nurse, as he is unaware of their super-hot makeout session from last week!

One scene of the super-hot male little person night nurse and his boss lady/adulterous love interest in line for an arty movie; his boss lady is distracted and uncomfortable and the super-hot male little person night nurse mistakes her behavior for hyper-sensitivity to his little person status now that they are out in public.

One scene of the super-hot male little person night nurse asking his boss, the supposedly nice surgeon, for an excruciatingly painful length-lengthening procedure so that he can seduce the supposedly nice surgeon's wife from a higher altitude.

One scene of plastic surgery on Liz, while her beyotch girlfriend Alanis Morissette makes insulting and demeaning comments about Liz's physique in front of the two surgeons, and then asks them to do more extensive surgery than Liz had asked for, which they refuse--all while Billy Joel's "I Love You Just The Way You Are" plays in the background. (I hereby nominate the "Nip/Tuck" music picker for a special Emmy Award for his or her brilliant surgery theme music on this show! Bravo/a!)

One supposedly rat bastard surgeon calling Madam Jacqueline Bisset for a high-class call girl to take his mind off his boss lady/ex-adulterous interracial lover/organ thief.

One scene of Madam Jacqueline Bisset arriving instead of one of her girls at the gay apartment of the supposedly rat bastard surgeon; a flurry of awesome seduction lines from Madam Jacqueline ensues, including: "Not every man can appreciate the experience of a finely-aged single malt" and "Some things get hotter the longer you wait for them."

One supposedly rat bastard surgeon keeling over, drugged by Madam Jacqueline, who then calls in his boss lady/ex-adulterous interracial lover/organ thief and demands that she either take out both of his kidneys (which would, of course, kill him) or come up with someone else's kidney within 24 hours.

One scene of Madam Jacqueline Bisset opening her car to find it full of gross, disgusting medical waste (mainly post-lipo fat), which comes gushing out.

One supposedly rat bastard surgeon confronting Madam Jacqueline about her drugging him --although he never really tries to figure out why she did it--and Madam Jacqueline offering him a freebie night with one of her call girls as a "peace offering."

One boss lady/organ thief coming home to the mansion she shares with her husband/fake ball-wearer/stroke victim (Larry Hagman) and being told by the departing nurse that Larry isn't doing so well and needs his medication pronto.

One boss lady/organ thief entering her husband/fake ball-wearer/stroke victim's bedroom without the tray of medication and seeing him in obvious distress, which she exacerbates by telling him that her love for him died the day he forced her to have sex with the supposed rat bastard surgeon in front of him (at the urging of deranged sex addict/masochist/licensed therapist Dr. Brooke Shields, unbeknownst to the wife); she refuses to give him his meds.

One scene of the rat bastard surgeon engaging with some heavy petting with a be-lingeried prostitute in his gay apartment.

One scene of a gasping/dying Larry Hagman crawling on his belly, trying to get to the medicine that is downstairs.

One dead Larry Hagman.

One scene of the supposedly rat bastard surgeon leaving his still be-lingeried hooker so he can powder his nose.

One widow/ex-adulterous interracial lover/organ thief wielding a razor-blade over the kidney-region of her dead husband, who is still collapsed on the staircase.

One be-lingeried call girl/organ thief putting a razor blade into her mouth just before she receives a text message from Madam Jacqueline Bisset that says "ABORT."

One scene of a post-op recovering Liz being told by the supposedly nice surgeon that her girlfriend Alanis Morissette made some disparaging remarks about her during the operation, but he stops short of telling her what a total awful beyotch she is, just before Alanis walks in.

One supposedly nice plastic surgeon gleefully telling his wife that the super-hot male little person night nurse is a hypocrite, because although he was strenuously against the de-lobster-clawing of their baby, he came in asking for leg-lengthening surgery for the lady he loves, even though the procedure is horribly painful.

One wife/boss lady/adulterous love interest of super-hot male little person night nurse asking her supposedly nice husband, "Isn't that just what we're doing to Connor (the uni-lobster-clawed baby)?"--since the lobster-claw-ectomy involves a similarly painful turning of bone screws--just before she heads over to her super-hot male little person night nurse's art studio/apartment.

One super-hot male little person night nurse in a black wifebeater (!) painting.

One scene of the super-hot male little person night nurse in a post-coital in-bed embrace with his boss lady/adulterous lover--thus denying eager viewers the sex scene involving the super-hot male little person night nurse we had been looking forward to all season! Boo, hiss!

One scene of the supposedly nice surgeon at home when his wife arrives home from her tryst with the super-hot male little person night nurse; she tells him truthfully where she was and that she needs a shower, without fully disclosing what happened, but the supposedly-nice surgeon's suspicions are aroused.

One more entire episode free of the creepy son/Michael Jackson lookalike!

One set of previews indicating that the ex-porn star/fiancee of the supposedly rat bastard surgeon/Scientologist is pregnant--with the creepy Michael Jackson-lookalike son's baby or maybe the supposedly rat bastard surgeon's!

One blogette agog with delight!

3 comments:

TrAngela said...

Do you think it's required that when one enters "rat bastard surgeon's" apt, that you have to wear black? Do you think there's wardrobe available in the event one chose a missoni dress?

This show is THE reason to continue on.

Anonymous said...

I'd also like to nominate the wardrobe person for an Emmy, specifically for all of Jacqueline Bisset's clothes.

Terri R.

Anonymous said...

So was the little person super hot?