Tuesday, November 21, 2006

My Girl Wants To Barfy All The Time, Barfy All The Time

Jeannette Walls'"Scoop" column has this hilarious story about Paris "P-Hole" Hilton being her usual classy, alluring self:
To paraphrase Paris Hilton: that’s not hot.

The partying heiress was performing in Las Vegas, when she “puked” on stage, according to crooner Joshua Radin.

Radin was visiting Vegas with the cast of “Scrubs” and went to a nightclub to hear Jay-Z perform.

“Paris Hilton …was sitting next to me the whole night. Seriously, next to me, like our legs were touching for a good 5 hours,” Radin wrote on his MySpace site. “Now don’t get the wrong idea. She never once said hello, nor even looked in my direction. Five hours. And it was unreal to watch. She must have pulled a compact out of her bag every 6 minutes to stare at herself and pose while Jay-Z was performing 18 inches from us.”

When Jay-Z left the stage, according to Radin, it was Hilton’s moment. “Paris, who had been swilling straight vodka from [a] Grey Goose bottle for hours, gets up on stage, has the people in charge throw her ‘record’ on the house stereo for her to lip sync two of her songs,” writes Radin. “She gets up on the stage, pukes, leaves. . . I find the music business charming.”

I think the main thing that this Joshua Radin fellow (do the kids like him? who the hell is he? I'm old!) ought to do now is scrub his leg in lye for about 24 hours and then take a nice, long "Silkwood"-style shower. No telling what kind of mangy vermin he contracted from prolongued contact with P. Hole's leg...

Also, did Jay-Z actually allow P-Hole to follow him onstage or did she just fling herself up there uninvited? If he let her puke on his stage and didn't have some member of his posse find her afterwards, put her in a chokehold, taser her for a few minutes in the solar plexus, and force her face down in the puke puddle until she learned what bad, bad girld she had been, I fear that Jay will have lost some of his street cred, at least around Felt Up HQ, which, believe you me, is an area famous for its stringent requirements for hip-hop credibility.

Walls also has this little tidbit involving--as all good stories do--Clay Aiken, Emmet Smith, and Kelly Ripa:
Clay Aiken fans are buzzing about their idol’s awkward moment with Kelly Ripa. The crooner was guest-hosting “Live with Regis and Kelly” last week when, during an interview with Emmet Smith he jokingly put his hand over the chatty Ripa’s mouth. Ripa was not amused. “You don’t do that,” Ripa said through a fixed smile. “I don’t know where that hand’s been.”

Well, actually, Kelly, I think you doknow where that hand has been, and here's the photographic proof, obtained exclusively by Felt Up (that's Clay's hand on the bottom right):

Come on, Kelly, we all know that's what you meant and that you were afraid that you might have some gay rubbed off on your face. Or else you really, really don't like it when people try (and fail) to muzzle you. Oh, and Kelly? While I've got your attention an all, could you please for the love of god just SHUT UP. AND STOP WITH THOSE ANNOYING TIDE LAUNDRY PEN COMMERCIALS THAT MAKE FUN OF HOW ANNOYING YOU ARE. THEY ARE DRIVING A NATION--AND A BLOGETTE--TO DRINK.

Gawker is now reporting that after Rosie O'Donnell accused Kelly Ripa of homophobia, Kelly called into "The View" to defend herself. Gawker posted a "Best of Handgate" on YouTube, and if you'd like to giggle at the inanity of it all, go here and watch.

And, finally, Us Weekly has the shocking--shocking!--news that J. Lo acted in a somewhat a
diva-like manner at the TomKat faux nuptials:

Katie Holmes was the one getting married on Saturday, but who was
the biggest diva of the weekend? Jennifer Lopez!

Tom Cruise and Holmes kindly arranged for a private plane to bring some of their more famous friends to Italy for their wedding. But a source tells Us Weekly that, hours before Jada Pinkett Smith, Leah Remini and Jerry Maguire director Cameron Crowe boarded the chartered 757 to Rome, “Jennifer Lopez sent her assistant to secure seats by laying her belongings on all the best seats!”

Lopez also flew her hairstylist, Ken Pav├ęs, into Rome and set him up at the posh Hotel Hassler to do her hair for the big day.

Meanwhile, it’s supposed to be the bride’s special weekend, but the singer made sure that all eyes were on her at a group dinner at the restaurant Nino on Thursday night. Says a source, “The November 16 welcome dinner was supposed to be casual. But J.Lo, of course, wore a gown. So much for casual.”

And the special treatment didn’t stop there. At 2:33 a.m. in the wee hours after the wedding, Lopez, 37, had a waiter sneak two doggie bags to her and husband Marc Anthony, 38, as they were on their way to the airport to return to the States.

Uh, hello, Us Weekly, what the hell did you expect? SHE IS J. LO. THIS IS WHAT SHE DOES. I could see being startled if say, Dame Judi Dench started throwing her weight around, arriving at a casual dinner dressed in a Versace safety-pin dress a la Liz Hurley, sending underlings to throw mink throw rugs across the choices seats abord the Moet & Chandon-sponsored private jet called The Champers, while fresh puppies and kittens frolicked at her feet and Tom Jones performed a private serendade of "What's New, Pussycat?" on his hands and knees and fed her bon-bons. That might be suprising. But this is simply Standard Operating Procedure for La Lo. And really, y que?

But the best part of this article is the list of comments that readers left after being
prompted with the question: "Was J.Lo being too much of a diva? "

Here is a random sampling:

11:03 AM
Anonymous Says:

Jlo is a bitch she is so full of herself and her husband he is so AGLY. She is also serial cheater.She cheated in her all former realtion ships.

Anonymous Says:

ya white bitches are jealous because us latinas have big asses and you dont . that is why ya men are looking forus latinas

2:08 PM ; Anonymous Says:
JLO shoulda packed a dryer so her husband could dry his hair when he came out of the shower. YUCK!!

Ah, the voice of The People--let it ring out, proud and noble! And, perhaps, wise beyond its years...


Anonymous said...

'barfy all the time' is killing me. seriously.
-Aaron W.

Anonymous said...

What I find entertaining is that Ken Paves was in Rome to do the bride's hair, or this was reported last Friday. So, in actuality, they shared a hair dresser which means they probably fought over his schedule. I guess we'll have to wait and see what People reports with their wedding coverage.

Whatevs. JLo can do whatever she wants to do in my world.