Wednesday, November 29, 2006

He Was My Wife's Elf--And So Is The...



Last night's episode was so action-packed that I can hardly see straight! Let's jump right in, shall we?

On the last episode of "Nip/Tuck" there was:

One scene of the supposedly nice surgeon buying an expensive piece of jewelry for his snotty little daughter who, as his creepy Michael Jackson-lookalike son points out, is only 12 years old and a tad young for something so pricey.

One exposition that the supposedly nice surgeon is looking forward to Christmas with his snotty little daughter, but then is called by his wife and told that the little snot has strep-throat and can't come down to Florida after all.

One sadsack surgeon asking his creepy son and his son's former porn star/Scientologist/wife/mother of his unborn child to come over for Christmas; the creepy son informs his dad that he and the little missus are going on a Scientogist cruise instead (!).

One sadsack surgeon asking the supposedly rat bastard surgeon and his fiancee/boss lady to join him for Christmas; the supposedly rat bastard surgeon informs his partner that he and the little missus are going to St. Petersburg for Christmas instead. (Sadly, your humble Felt Up blogette is so underfinanced she could only conceive of St. Petersburg, Florida as an "impulse travel" destination, not the St. Petersburg, Russia that was their real vacation plan. Sigh.)

One sadsack surgeon hitting the sauce in his consultation office during an interview with a woman who wants a "g-spot amplification" procedure so she can have a "killer orgasm" as a Christmas present to herself (it's the gift that keeps on giving!).

One scene of the drunken sadsack surgeon performing the g-spot surgery, that ends with "full release" for the patient, while "Joy To The World" plays in the background.

One Christmas ham arriving from Escobar, the murderer/escaped convict whose face the surgeons changed into the FBI's fourth most wanted criminal, then back to his real, number one most wanted face, before he killed a bunch of guards and ran off.

One FBI agent wanting to know why Escobar sent the surgeons a ham, then demanding to put in guards and eventually surveillance cameras at the surgery.

One boss lady/former prostitute/blackmailee telling her blackmailer, Madame Jacqueline Bisset, that she can't use the surgery for her organ-theft ring anymore, since the Feds will be watching.

One sadsack surgeon encountering a drunken homeless man with a bad sunburn, played by Charles Haid, of "Hill Street Blues" semi-fame.

One supposedly rat bastard surgeon finding out that the baby named Wilbur he once thought was his, but turned out to be the result of his then-girlfriend/sex addict's one-night stand with an African-American stranger, has been left to him by the baby's true father, who has died; the supposedly rat bastard surgeon is ecstatic.

One supposedly rat bastard surgeon tellilng his fiancee/boss lady that they are about to become proud parents; she is not so ecstatic, and tells him she just got done changing poor dead Larry Hagman's diapers and is not ready to start changing a baby's.

One arrival of Wilbur, truly the world's cutest, most adorable and enchanting child, who, upon seeing the supposedly rat bastard surgeon for the first time in years, says "Daddy." WILBUR!

One scene of the sunburned homeless "Hill Street Blues" alumnus making remarks about the sadsack surgeon's Gucci suit and asking if he's going to get rid of his old Brooks Brothers suits; the sadsack surgeon engages in banter with the homeless man, but fails to offer him the old suits.

One grotesque scene of a man in a Santa Claus costume getting the deadened, charred skin of his burned legs removed; your humble blogette totally called that he was burned in a chimney.

One lesbian couple--half of which is played by Alanis Morrissette--asking if the sadsack surgeon could take Santa's place at the charity picture-taking event for which they are volunteering at the local mall.

One extremely drunk sadsack surgeon scaring, shocking, and freaking out a series of children who had the misfortune of sitting on the knee of Drunken Sadsack Santa.

One extremely drunk sadsack surgeon flirting with a female dwarf in an elf costume inside Santa's Workshop; he asks her if she "knows Marlowe" (!) and when she asks which elf he is, the surgeon responds, "He was my wife's elf." (!)

One scene of the supposedly rat bastard surgeon arriving at the mall with WILBUR, the word's cutest and most adorable child, to see Santa and ask for presents; instead, he, WILBUR, and the two lesbians witness Santa getting his own kind of present, a b.j. from the female elf (!).

One scene of the sadsack surgeon being confronted by the woman with the g-spot amplification; apparently her g-spot is so amplified that she can't drive a car, get a vibrating phone call, or take a spinning class without "full release"; she is miserable and demands a do-over; she also rightly accuses the sadsack surgeon of being drunk when he performed the operation.

One supposedly rat bastard surgeon coming in to console the g-spot lady, offer her a free do-over with "complimentary Botox," and accuse the drunken sadsack of being a drunken sadsack.

One scene of the supposedly rat bastard surgeon's boss lady/fiancee discovering with great pleasure and joy that not only is WILBUR an African-American baby, but he is also the cutest, most adorable child ever to walk the face of the earth.

One sadsack surgeon on the beach at nigh getting drunk by a fire; he is confronted by the sunburned homeless "Hill Street Blues" alumnus, who tells him that a) he just earned $20 in a "bum fight," which makes your humble blogette want to commit hari kari, and b) the drunken sadsack surgeon needs to hold onto the light and get past the darkness in his life; he throws the drunken sadsack surgeon's bottle of booze into the ocean.

One drunken sadsack surgeon offering to stitch up the sunburned homeless "Hill Street Blues" alumnus' beaten-up face.

One drunken sadsack surgeon offering to let the sunburned homeless "Hill Street Blues" alumnus sleep in the recovery room and inviting him over to his house for Christmas the next day.

One scene of Madame Jacqueline Bisset, also in the recovery area, speaking in French to one of the scary and super-hot Asian gangsters, who threatens to break her neck if she doesn't meet their "Christmas quota."

One very bad feeling descending on your humble blogette.

One scene of Madame Jacqueline Bisset offering champagne to the sunburned homeless "Hill Street Blues" alumnus, after calling champagne "the reason for living."

One scene of domestic bliss--the supposedly rat bastard surgeon, his boss lady/fiancee, and WILBUR, the cutest and most adorable child ever to walk the earth, enjoying Christmas Eve together--interrupted by Madame Jacqueline Bisset, who demands the boss lady/fiancee come over to the surgery.

One horrible shot of the sunburned homeless "Hill Street Blues" alumnus on an operating table with all of organs removed; Madame Jacqueline Bisset demands that the boss lady help her remove the body.

One totally spot-on call by your humble blogette that the ladies will use Santa toy sacks to remove the body in front of the FBI agents stationed at the surgery.

One incredibly sad scene of the sadsack surgeon boxing up his old Brooks Brothers suits and placing it under the tree.

One arrival of the supposedly rat bastard surgeon and WILBUR, the cutest and most adorable child to ever walk the earth, at the sadsack surgeon's house to spend Christmas Eve with him.

One shocking set of previews indicating that Madam Jacqueline Bisset is going to kidnap WILBUR, the cutest and most adorable child to ever walk the earth, and possibly STEAL HIS ORGANS! AAAAAAAAAAAH!

One blogette on the edge of her seat! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

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