Thursday, October 12, 2006

If Jeffy Wins, Please Re-Name This Show "Project Douchebag"

Soooooo, this was the long, drawn-out first section of the two-part finale to "Project Runway," and boy, they really are padding these finales! I wish they would make it a one-night event instead of drawing it out like this. Bah-humbug, Bravo! Harrumph!

The beginning part of the show was devoted to the traditional Tim Gunn Goes To The Final Contestants' Homes, and it was fun to see where everyone lives. Tim was giddy when he arrived at Michael's house in Hotlanta, because it is obvious to everyone that Tim has a ginormous crush on Michael--just like the rest of us! Michael's house was supercute, with bright blue walls and a cheerful, almost minimalist decor. He showed Tim some of his outfits for the final fashion show, and Tim was fairly negative about Michael's designs, which was scary for all of us rooting for Michael to win.

But then they went off to meet Michael's family! Huzzah! His parents live in a nice subdvision and seemed extremely sweet and supportive of their darling son. They were all wearing some version of orange, perhaps in homage to Michael and his bright colors? They showed some precious baby pictures of Michael, plus some of him as a teen with a mustache and a Kid-n-Play-style fade and later a huge afro-ish hairdo. AWESOME. Michael's dad said he always supported everything he ever wanted to do, whether it was an early flirtation with becoming a "beautician" or wanting "to sew," he didn't care, as long as it made Michael happy. They stood in a prayer circle with Tim and held hands before sitting down to some kind of delicious-looking dinner that I wish the show had spent more time on. What did they eat? Did Tim like it? We may never know! DAMMIT, BRAVO!

Then Tim went back to NYC to see Laura in her humongous Manhattan apartment. It was kind of airier and more modern than I thought it would be from the glimpses we'd seen before--lots of bright colors on blond wood floors, and kids' toys everywhere. Plus the vintage Louis Vuitton luggage and the Sargent painting hanging on the wall. LAURA IS RICHER THAN GOD. We get to see her workspace, which is in the apartment, and her collection seemed almost complete. Tim was worried that she needed to "young up" her dresses, and he really hated a pea-green late-1960s-ish long gown and jacket combo that he said wasn't "pretty." One of Laura's six million children offered Tim a piece of "turtle poop," which at first I thought was some kind of silly candy--like gummi worms or somesuch--but no, it really was a turd from a pet turtle. The look on Tim's face was priceless. There were some shots of Laura as a wee tot with her mom, plus some of Laura as a red-headed pre-teen. All of this helped to humanize Laura somewhat. We also got to meet Laura's husband, who had that kind of rich-eccentric-older-guy-with-wild-white-hair-and-glasses thing going on.

Then it was off to Miami to see Uli in her flowy, hippie, summery natural habitat. She had a nice, smallish apartment right on the bay, and talked to Tim about being from a small town in Eastern Germany. She showed some long, flowy, hippie, summery gowns to Tim, who told her she needed to avoid seeming "one note" to the judges. She countered by showing him some sort of short dress or long skirt made out of sparkling silver fabric with a gold and silver sequined trim, which he seemed to like--kind of. Then they went out for a walk on the beach, which meant Tim had to take off his suit jacket (!) and later even his shoes (!!), so we got to see his pale, pale feet (!!!). There were pictures of a tiny blonde Uli in scary old communist Eastern Germany, looking very Teutonic. She seemed to be in shock that she has made it so far from those days, and it was pretty heartwarming.

However, nothing--not a cute little toddler, not a be-mohawked wife, not a childhood filled wih fear of an angry father, not a drug addiction, not even a suicide attempt--nothing can warm my heart towards Jeffy Dahmer. Because a) he seems to be doing fine and dandy in his cute little L.A. house with his punky wife and kid and b) he is still a total and complete TOOL. GOD I HATE HIM. What made me most violent (and later on, suspicious) was that they went to his "workroom" and it's a gigantic sweatshop-looking space in what appears to be the garment district of L.A., with row upon row of machines and whatever else is used to manufacture clothing--so he already has his own line. When he had talked before, ad nauseum, about making clothes for "rock-n-rollers" like J. Lo, I had assumed he was hand-making things in his house and taking a few items to local boutiques in L.A. But noooooooo, this a-hole is on the show apparently just to garner publicity for his already-flourishing clothing company! It looked like hundreds of people could work there! Every other finalist they have ever visited on this show had a tiny workspace that was usually inside their home. NEVER has there been someone with this level of production/manufacture at their disposal. AAAAAAAH! I HATE JEFFY SO MUCH I CAN'T STAND IT.

Eventually all four returned to New York to stay in a fancy modern-y hotel. Laura was pleased to see Uli and Michael, but refused to get up out of her chair for Jeffy. Have I mentioned how much I'm beginning to like Laura? The only thing is that she seemed sort of out to get him from the minute he arrived, so it makes her later accusations seem kind of vindictive, but whatever, I still love it that she loathes him as much as I, and all other decent people, do.

The designers took their garments to their new workroom, sponsored by Macy's. They all sniffed around each other's clothing. Tim had nothing but praise for stupid Jeffy and his Haute Topique Spring 2006 collection. Bleh! (It did look pretty good, I have to admit. Bleh! Bleh!) Tim was less enthused about Michael's designs. He thought one outfit looked "cartoony." EEK! I'm so scared for Michael! Tim liked that Laura had removed the pea green outfit that he hated so much, and he was a tad "concerned" about Uli's collection.

There was a scene showing Tim gathering receipts from each contestant, to show how they spent their alloted $8,000 for their collections. Everyone but Jeffy handed over the receipts promptly; Jeffy kind of futzed around, like, "I had them here somewhere!" and this is all made to look pretty suspicious. Hmmmm...

Then they went out to pick their models and talk to the hair and makeup people about their runway looks. Back at the workroom, everyone but Jeffy was working on the finishing touches for their clothes--putting on trim, hooks, etc. Jeffy was literally twiddling his thumbs, because he had absolutely nothing to do. His garments were completely finished. Again, never before on this show have the final contestants shown up with 100% perfect, ready-to-hit-the-runway clothing. He barely had to make adjustments to fit the models. He kind of looked at the ceiling and sat there, bored, while the other three went about their work. Finally, when he left the room, Laura went over and snooped around his rack of clothes, and she pointed out the perfection of his execution to Michael and Uli. Michael was in agreement, especially about a pair of leather shorts that looked very professionally-made, while Uli was more doubtful, pointing out that certain seems did not look all that perfect.

When Tim came into the room, Laura took him out on the patio and told him that she suspected that Jeffy had "outside help" constructing his clothing. She said she had no doubts that these were his own designs, but that there was no way he could have produced this level of craftmanship and perfection on his own in the time allotted them (two months). (God, I wish they had flashed back to the rows of sewing machines in his FACTORY right then.) Tim said that it was almost impossible to prove something like this, but that he would take her allegations to the producers and they would investigate as thoroughly as they could. He mentioned that they would look carefully at Jeffy's receipts. I found it odd that they put so much faith into the receipts--if someone spent more than the allotted amount, all they would have to do is omit that particular receipt, if there even was a receipt to begin with! I seriously doubt the producers are going to find a "PAID: $2,500 to sweatshop workers for sewing my designs" receipt in Jeffy's pile.

Then Laura told Jeffy what she had said to Tim, and his reaction was way less defensive and/or aggressive than one might expect of someone falsely accused of cheating. He really didn't even deny it at first, he just kind of floundered around and had a deer-caught-in-the-headlights faux hurt look on his stupid face. Tim came around later to look more carefully at Jeffy's collection, and asked specific questions about specific garments, and Jeffy said he sewed every single piece himself, except that he sent out two things to be "pleated," which was confusing. Apparently that is allowed? What is so hard about pleating? Compared to some of the other elaborate pieces he showed, pleating doesn't seem like the kind of thing he would need to "send out."

And that is pretty much how it ends, with the issue unresolved and dangling before us like a carrot. In the previews for the second part of the finale, they edit it to look like Tim is going to make a very dramatic announcement about Jeffy that begins with the word "unfortunately," and then they show Jeffy sobbing into Uli's arms, but I seriously doubt they are going to not let him show. For one thing, WE ALREADY SAW PICTURES OF HIS RUNWAY SHOW IN ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY. Plus, Bravo has the wiliest, evilest editors on earth, and they constantly mislead and misrepresent what actually occurs on the show. My only hope is that they tell him he can show at Fashion Week but that he is not allowed to win. But if living in these United States all my years has shown me anything, it is that mean, unlikable creeps WIN ALL THE TIME. ARGH!


Anonymous said...

I swear on my fake balls, if Jeffrey wins, I'll not watch the show AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm really afraid it's going to be "Unfortunately, there was not enough evidence to conclusively prove the allegations, therefore Jeffy is still in the competition."

Those tears on The Tool's face in the preview are likely tears of joy and relief over not getting caught/ruled ineligible.


Anonymous said...

ecchhh, that 'ef-ree just looks like he smells like swisher sweets and pee. i hate his "oh god i had a drug problem that i overcame,please let me win"
Look we all have a drug problem pal and the guy who talked to into living just punished the rest of us. jeffo!!!! xxxerica

Crazy Aunt Kerri said...

I swear to God, if they allow Jeffy to compete....I mean, I am a beginning seamstress and I CAN MAKE PLEATS! So I am very very very suspect about "sending some shorts out for pleating" bullcornie....I love that you love this show as much as I....I had TIVO on pause for, like, ten whole minutes as I closely examined Laura's "Singer-Sargent"portrait---didn't her man look a bit like Einstein? Which can be hot, yeah....okay. Love to read every word you write, dear.
kisses, miss kerri atwood

Anonymous said...

I'm a first time reader and I really enjoyed your coverage of the episode. (Maybe Turtle Poop should be a candy.)

I just wanted to weigh in that even though Jeffery seems to be a very acerbic person, I'd have to say that out of the four I consider him my favorite in terms of his creativity and willingness to experi-AHHHGH! AAAAAAH! STTTOPP! STOP WITH THE HUNDRED PAIRS OF EYE-LASERS!! AAAAAAGH!!!!



Prentiss Riddle said...

I couldn't agree more about Jeffrey. I was as pissed as you about the final outcome. Personally I've been rooting for Laura from the beginning and I thought Michael's "street safari" line was as bad as it sounded. (Did I mishear, or was Uli's line a "safari" as well? Is this The Year of the Safari or something?).

But what I really wanted to say was this: did it strike anybody else that Laura's unproveable accusation and the ensuing "investigation" were a big puton? Or at least that the producers encouraged her to pursue it for the sake of fomenting drama? To me it seemed like the whole "let's investigate Jeffrey's collection while he's out of the room" scene and the "private" meeting on the balcony with Tim were, if not exactly scripted, then at least carefully staged for the cameras.

The end result being to set Jeffrey up as the victim of a witch hunt so he'd seem a little less like the biggest SOB on earth in time for his win...

jennifer said...

Prentis: I DID think the Laura accusations seemed a little staged and odd, and perhaps you're right about Bravo's intentions, but in the end it had the opposite effect (to me, at least)--instead of feeling sorry for the creep, I felt like his win was even more tainted.

The more I think about it, what bugs me the most is that Uli did everything they said--she expanded her outlook and stretched herself, while still being true to her aesthetic. And there was not one single outfit the judges did not like. Jeffy, on the other hand, tried to expand (the long flowy Uli-style gown, for ex.) AND FAILED. The judges really disliked two of his outfits, and loved ALL of Uli's, yet gave it to the creep.


And that's all I will ever say on the matter EVER AGAIN.