Wednesday, October 11, 2006

I Swear On These Fake Balls, It's The...



Last night on "Nip/Tuck" there was:

One dream sequence involving two plastic surgeons in matching swim briefs at a gay spa while a song (which I haven't been able to identify, anyone who knows please let me know!) with the lyrics "People say I'm gay, I just say no way (BOYS!)" plays in the background; the dream involves one surgeon rubbing suntan oil on the other's chest and then segues into one surgeon on an operating table getting his chest waxed by the other surgeon's boss lady/adulterous interracial lover, and eventually the surgeon needing CPR ("the kiss of life") from the other surgeon.

One super-hot male little person night nurse with a bout of stomach flu.

One potential stalker female night nurse candidate/adulterous sex partner being called in by unsuspecting wife of plastic surgeon to take the place of ailing super-hot male little person night nurse.

One elderly male patient/boss man, played by Larry Hagman, appearing at the office with a penis pump attached to penis; he is given an allergy pill and the pump is removed, but his erection remains, so he hops it over to his wife's office for some behind-closed-door interracial non-adulterous action.

One scene of potential stalker female night nurse/adulterous sex partner attempting a DIY belly-button piercing at her home; her adulterous sex partner plastic surgeon boss does the deed himself before trying to (unsuccessfully) bribe her out of his life forever.

One reappearance of Dr. Brooke Shields, as a sex-addicted therapist last seen getting doggy-styled over her desk during a therapy session with a plastic surgeon.

One shot of Dr. Brooke Shields' lower back, which is tattooed with the words "Property of Marco," a souvenir/source of shame from her days as a sado-masichistic sex slave to someone named, presumably, Marco.

One scene of tattoo getting removed, while The Rolling Stones' "Slave" plays in the background.

One plastic surgeon telling Dr. Brooke Shields about his homoerotic dream involving both his business partner and boss lady/interracial adulterous lover; Dr. Brooke advises surgeon that dream means he needs to tell boss lady/interracial adulterous lover how he really feels about her, and pronto.

One scene of potential stalker female night nurse/adulterous sex partner nursing the surgeon's lobster-clawed baby. (Is this even possible if she wasn't pregnant herself? Felt Up is so not an expert on these matters, but it seems to strain credulity.) Surgeon freaks out; potential stalker female night nurse/adulterous sex partner threatens to tell surgeon's wife about their affair.

One scene in which Larry Hagman tells his wife and his employee/plastic surgeon that he knows about their interracial love affair and wants them to continue--with him watching--or he will destroy both of their lives.

One use of the phrase "I swear on these fake balls" by Larry Hagman, in an Emmy-caliber bravado performance.

One scene of Dr. Brooke Shields telling plastic surgeon that she thought the woman in his dream was Dr. Brooke Shields.

One appearance by potential stalker/night nurse/adulterous sex partner/breast milk feeder at the surgeon's office, demanding that he do something about her breast, which has become infected after constant breastfeeding by lobster-clawed baby.

One surgeon tempted to murder potential stalker/night nurse/adulterous sex partner/breast milk feeder while she is on the operating table.

One potential stalker/night nurse/adulterous sex partner/breast milk feeder freaking out, threating not only to tell surgeon's wife about their affair, but to tell the police that he raped her.

One potential stalker/night nurse/adulterous sex partner/breast milk feeder hit by bus.

One dead potential stalker/night nurse/adulterous sex partner/breast milk feeder.

One secret, immoral "therapy" session between unsuspecting pawn Larry Hagman and new potential stalker/sexual obsessive/licensed therapist Dr. Brooke Shields, which shows that the "have sex in front of me or else" idea was all hers, in some sort of crazy/stalker-y/nefarious scheme to woo the plastic surgeon.

One scene of surgeon and boss lady/interracial adulteress making sweet, if uncomfortable, love in front of a teary-eyed Larry Hagman, while The Rolling Stones' sad, wistful ode to old age, "As Tears Go By," plays in the background.

One scene of Dr. Brooke Shields having "Property Of Dr. Christian Troy" tattooed on the exact same spot where her previoius tattoo used to be. (Ouch!)

Zero scenes with creepy Michael Jackson-lookalike son/Scientologist stooge, thank God.

One preview indicating the return of Rosie O'Donnell, who apparently has her ear torn off in an "ear jacking," and whose new ear will somehow be GROWN on an ultra-special, exceedingly disturbing "ear mouse."

One blogette who can't wait for next week!

4 comments:

TrAngela said...

You know that tat is a must for Fall '06 in the Dr. Christian Troy fan club. I'm working out a group discount.

natalie_eve said...

Also desperate to find the song. I've been googling for the lyrics, but getting nothing.

I love Nip/Tuck.

Anonymous said...

http://www.myspace.com/hotpleasureseeker

I found this online. You can even download the song. JOY!

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