Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Ear Today, Gone Tomorrow, Just Like The...

Last night on "Nip/Tuck" there was:

One scene of a lesbian nurse--whose kidney was stolen from her during a one night stand with a woman from an organ-theft ring--telling her two plastic surgeon bosses that she needs a new kidney and until she gets one, she has to go on dialysis.

One supposedly nice plastic surgeon clearly uncomfortable with the idea of donating his own kidney; one supposedly rat bastard plastic surgeon who is totally gung-ho on the idea, because the lesbian nurse is "family."

One supposdedly nice plastic surgeon being told that he is a "5 out of 6" perfect match to donated his kidney; one supposdedly rat bastard plastic surgeon being told that he is not a match.

One supposedly nice plastic surgeon lying to everyone about his being a match.

One scene of the plastic surgeons interviewing Ms. Dawn Budge--the trashy mega-Lotto winner last seen paying for sex with the supposed rat bastard plastic surgeon after having liposuction, paying for her daughter's "new titties," and her husband's penis enlargement shortly before her daughter ran off with her husband--played with great gusto by Ms. Rosie O'Donnell; this time Dawn Budge needs a new ear because hers was "ear jacked" by knife-wielding earring thieves on a motorcycle.

One scene of the supposedly rat bastard surgeon having doggy-style sex with his interracial boss lady/lover in front of her husband Larry Hagman.

One supposedly rat bastard surgeon deciding he's had enough, ENOUGH of being a "dildo," and leaving both Mr. and Mrs. Larry Hagman; just before he walks out the door, the surgeon's parting shot includes a reference to his "ten-inch penis."

One extremely disturbing scene of Dawn Budge going to visit her new ear, which is being grown on the back of a special mouse named Vincent--after Vincent Van Gogh, of course.

One scene of creepy teenage son/Michael Jackson lookalike/Scientologist giving a massage to his fathers' (both of 'em!) ex-lover in her in-apartment sauna; when the ex-lover/former porn star/Scientologist takes off her top towel, the creepy teenage son makes a pass at her and she is shocked--shocked!--that he would abuse her trust in such a demeaning way.

Creepy son.

Michael Jackson.

One incredible scene of the surgeons attaching the ear grown on the (recently deceased) Vincent the Mouse's back to Dawn Budge's head, while "Vincent (Starry, Starry Night)" by Don McClean plays in the background (!).

One scene of the supposedly nice surgeon coming home to find his lesbian nurse with one bad kidney eating dinner at his home with his wife and discovering that his creepy Michael Jackson lookalike/Scientologist son is a perfect match and plans to donate his kidney, because the nurse is "family."

One boss lady/former interracial adulterous lover revealing that her husband Larry Hagman has had a stroke to the supposedly rat bastard surgeon; Larry Hagman insists on reconstructive facial surgery (would that even do any good? doesn't stroke affect muscle control? wtf?).

One supposedly rat bastard surgeon going to the apartment of his and his best friend/business partner's ex-lover/fiancee/porn star and seducing her with talk of being interested in Scientology.

One supposedly rat bastard surgeon behaving in true rat bastard fashion by telling his ex-fiancee/porn star that he only told her he wanted to learn about Scientology so she would sleep with him; when asked why he didn't simply have sex with "one of his whores," he replies that not only did he need sex, he needed to feel like "the most important man in the world," which only the ex-fiancee/porn star can do for him.

One gratuitous, but obligatory, shot of the rat bastard surgeon's bare naked buttocks. (Number 5,001 so far this season!)

One extremely upset ex-fiancee/porn star having a semi-nervous breakdown in her luxury apartment.

One creepy Michael Jackson lookalike/possibly former Scientologist being seduced by what I can only assume is one highly repulsed but determined former porn star/Scientologist intent on getting revenge on the rat bastard surgeon.

One operation on Larry Hagman's face that causes him to go into cardiac arrest; one rat bastard surgeon lifting up the shock paddles and then looking into the eyes of his former interracial adulterous lover boss lady and wondering if he should just let Larry Hagman die, then deciding it is probably not a good idea with several nurses/witnesses around.

One scene of Larry Hagman regaining his heartbeat.

One scene of rat bastard surgeon trying to convince his former interracial adulterous lover boss lady that she should put Larry Hagman into a nursing home, which she refuses to do and instead resigns herself to giving up her youth in "this tomb."

One heartwarming scene of Dawn Budge recuperating from her mouse ear attachment next to the lesbian nurse with one bad kidney getting dialysis treatment; it dawns on Dawn that all her riches mean nothing next to family and friendship.

One supposedly nice plastic surgeon finally fessing up to his lesbian nurse with one bad kidney that he is a 5 out of 6 match and will donate his kidney to her after all, just before being informed by the lesbian nurse that Dawn Budge is perfect 6 out of 6 match and is willing to be a donor.

One even-more-heartwarming scene of Dawn Budge and the lesbian nurse going under the knife for the kidney transplant; includes Dawn revealing the sexual interlude she had with the rat bastard surgeon to everyone in the operating room.

One preview that indicates an upcoming crisis over the supposedly nice surgeon's intention to operate on his lobster-clawed baby--and a possible affair between the surgeon's wife and the super-hot male little person night nurse!

Super-hot Peter Dinklage!

One thousand huzzahs from Felt Up!


RShafferDC said...

Mr. Hagman (aka Mr.'t someone suggest he trim his CREEPY eye brows?)would only benefit from plastic surgery if they "lifted" his facial features without the possibility of movement. In an earlier (first season I believe) episode, the show itself commented they couldn't do surgery on or benefit a victim of a stroke. In reality they could only "set" the facial muscles to look a bit less saggy, if they would even do that. He'd still talk like Sharon Calcote after a Devo Concert!

Prentiss Riddle said...

Never seen the show, but I love the thread about Vincent the Mouse.

However, the kidney bit was driven into the ground last season on Curb Your Enthusiasm. Shame on anybody who steals kidney bits. (Ka-swish.)