Sunday, October 29, 2006

Scariest Costume EVER!

I KNOW. YES, it's TRUE that I said I would never speak of that show I used to watch all time (the one that was a contest for clothing designers) ever again, but I am only human. I am not made of stone. I am but flesh and blood! And And I found this article on NPR in which they ask some of the contestents from the past three seasons (but not, thank god, The One Who Shall Not Be Named) to design some Halloween costumes. Nick V. has a "Flava Flav" costume idea, Nora C. has a pirate design, etc. etc. And then I noticed this:

"Wendy Pepper: A Recipe for the Perfect Little Witch"

It's apparently a very easy costume to make. All you do is download the photo below, print it out and attach it to your face:

But seriously, folks, do you think this is Wendy's idea of a little joke? Is she just messing with our minds?

That is all. This show is STILL DEAD TO ME. Dead, I say!

Puh! Phooey! Blech!

Thursday, October 26, 2006

You Don't Have To Be Tall To Rule My World, I Just Want Your Extra Time And Your...

On the last episode of "Nip/Tuck" there was:

One reappearance of Mrs. Grubman, the wealthy plastic surgery addict, who is now dying of lung cancer, being taken care of by sassy, fabulous and thick home healthcare worker Mo'nique, and demanding post-death liposuction and various nip/tucks from the supposedly rat bastard plastic surgeon so that she looks dynamite in her coffin.

One sassily pissed-off Mo'nique after the supposed rat bastard plastic surgeon offers her free lipo; she loves every pound, as she well she should! Viva Mo'nique! Viva!

One supposedly nice plastic surgeon taking his young daughter and lobster-clawed baby to a pancake house, where he ends up punching the father of a chubby kid who makes fun of the lobster-clawed baby's lobster claws.

One lawsuit for assault against the supposedly nice plastic surgeon.

One flashback to the supposedly nice plastic surgeon's own childhood, in which his face is hidden in such a way to suggest an unspeakable deformity; his parents argue over whether or not they should use his $5,000 college fund to fix the mystery disfigurement.

One scene of the supposedly rat bastard surgeon making a house call to Mrs. Grubman, who is refusing to eat--either to speed up her death or to make her herself even thinner in her casket, or both; Mo'nique is fed up in a sassy way; the supposed rat bastard surgeon's heart o' gold is getting bigger--he offers Mrs. Grubman free Botox for every spoonful of soup she eats and also shows genuine remorse that he didn't visit her more often during her recovery from a stroke; Mrs. Grubman tells the supposedly rat bastard surgeon that she loves him. Aww!

One scene of the supposedly nice surgeon's wife asking him to try and talk the chubby kid's father out of suing them.

One supposedly nice surgeon going to the chubby kid's little league game to talk to the father, which leads to another flashback to his childhood; his father plays ball with him but won't let him try out for a team because of the misery the other kids and the coach would surely inflict on him for his unspeakable mystery disfigurement.

One scene of the supposedly nice surgeon's wife in a meeting with both surgeons and the special lobster-de-clawer surgeon, during which the super-hot male little person night nurse makes an appearance to ask questions about the possible scary memories involving giant teddy bears that might be caused by operating on an infant.

One super-hot male little person night nurse telling the supposedly nice surgeon's wife that he is causing too much turmoil in the house and must leave.


One scene of a sassy Mo'nique and Mrs. Grubman arriving for her Botox injection; before the supposedly rat bastard surgeon can give it to her, she dies in his office.

One operation on Mrs. Grubman by the supposedly rat bastard surgeon during which there is a fantasy sequence with Burt Bacharach accompanying a singing Mrs. Grubman.

One huge church filled with empty seats; no one but Mo'nique and the supposedly rat bastard surgeon showed up for Mrs. Grubman's funeral; Mo'nique sassily informs him that Mrs. Grubman left only some "old lady muu-muus" to Mo'nique, and the rest of her fortune was left to the surgeon in the form of a fund for people who can't afford plastic surgery.

One supposedly rat bastard plastic surgeon attempting to read his prepared eulogy to an empty chapel before giving up and almost walking away, then coming back to tell Mrs. Grubman's corpse that although she was a pain in the ass, he loved her, too. Aww!

One flashback of the supposedly nice plastic surgeon as a child going out for the baseball team despite his father's objections and getting his picture taken with a baseball bat.

One supposedly nice plastic surgeon explaining to his wife that he never told her before about his own disfigurement; he pulls out the photo of himself with the baseball bat, and we see that his unspeakable deformity was actually a run-of-the-mill harelip; he tells his wife that his mother used the college fund to have his harelip fixed, which eventually led to his father abandoning the family because he had "lost control" of it; no explanation is forthcoming on why the supposedly nice surgeon has no scar from the operation.

One operation on the lobster-clawed baby, sadly not performed to the tune of "Rock Lobster."

One flashback to the supposedly nice plastic surgeon as a child recovering from his harelip-ectomy, with his dad shoving a giant teddy bear into his hospital bed and then leaving.

One set of previews indicating that the super-hot male little person night nurse wants to have painful leg-stretching surgery because he is madly in love with the supposedly nice surgeon's wife AND that the supposedly rat bastard surgeon is in imminent danger of losing his kidney to Madame Jacqueline Bisset's organ theft ring, which includes his former interracial adulterous lover/boss lady!

One blogette about to pee her pants with anticipation!

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

I Will Be Your Father Figure, Put Your Tiny Hand In Mine

It's a gloomy, rainy day here in central Texas, but a ray of sunshine has been beamed in to us from Page Six:
BROWN Bunny" director Vincent Gallo, 45, has a new friend - Los Angeles "It" Girl Cory Kennedy, 16.

Kennedy, who blogs about her nightlife exploits and dalliances with celebrities despite being underage, has called Gallo a "keeper" on her blog and posts pictures of them together.

Asked to comment, Gallo - who stressed there is no sexual relationship between the two - told Page Six: "With the psychotic, middle-aged Madonna out there on the loose buying up all the stolen Negro babies in Africa, I felt it my social and humanitarian duty to take in any young, beautiful and sexy orphaned Jew teens running wild in Beverly Hills. Cory's a great kid, and I'm proud to be her daddy."

Crazy ole Vincent Gallo--always good for a giggle. God bless him!

After a casual perusal of Miss Kennedy's blog, I have to say that even with the relentless name-dropping, it's pretty dull stuff. Maybe it's just that extra 21 years I've got on Cory, but I kept nodding off. Here's a random sample of her musings:
friday i went to school, and got picked up by chris glancy (aka my brother) to head over to cal arts for the d&g shoot. it was awesome. mille garmendia (stylist) danielle decker (make up) and robert wild (hair), chris glancy (photographer), behind the camera. steve was so fun to work with. everyone was. we were all dying of hunger. all we had was an empty donut box.

I think I hear crickets somewhere....

On the other hand, it seems her uncle is Bradley Baumkirchner from that reality show I used to watch (the name escapes me), so she might have some good genes in her somewhere since Bradley is a delight.

Anyway, here's a photo from her blog with her daddy:


Wednesday, October 18, 2006

From Now On, I'm Putting All Of My Emotional Eggs Into the "Top Chef" Basket

This show is now dead to me. DEAD, I say! I shan't speak of it again.

Ear Today, Gone Tomorrow, Just Like The...

Last night on "Nip/Tuck" there was:

One scene of a lesbian nurse--whose kidney was stolen from her during a one night stand with a woman from an organ-theft ring--telling her two plastic surgeon bosses that she needs a new kidney and until she gets one, she has to go on dialysis.

One supposedly nice plastic surgeon clearly uncomfortable with the idea of donating his own kidney; one supposedly rat bastard plastic surgeon who is totally gung-ho on the idea, because the lesbian nurse is "family."

One supposdedly nice plastic surgeon being told that he is a "5 out of 6" perfect match to donated his kidney; one supposdedly rat bastard plastic surgeon being told that he is not a match.

One supposedly nice plastic surgeon lying to everyone about his being a match.

One scene of the plastic surgeons interviewing Ms. Dawn Budge--the trashy mega-Lotto winner last seen paying for sex with the supposed rat bastard plastic surgeon after having liposuction, paying for her daughter's "new titties," and her husband's penis enlargement shortly before her daughter ran off with her husband--played with great gusto by Ms. Rosie O'Donnell; this time Dawn Budge needs a new ear because hers was "ear jacked" by knife-wielding earring thieves on a motorcycle.

One scene of the supposedly rat bastard surgeon having doggy-style sex with his interracial boss lady/lover in front of her husband Larry Hagman.

One supposedly rat bastard surgeon deciding he's had enough, ENOUGH of being a "dildo," and leaving both Mr. and Mrs. Larry Hagman; just before he walks out the door, the surgeon's parting shot includes a reference to his "ten-inch penis."

One extremely disturbing scene of Dawn Budge going to visit her new ear, which is being grown on the back of a special mouse named Vincent--after Vincent Van Gogh, of course.

One scene of creepy teenage son/Michael Jackson lookalike/Scientologist giving a massage to his fathers' (both of 'em!) ex-lover in her in-apartment sauna; when the ex-lover/former porn star/Scientologist takes off her top towel, the creepy teenage son makes a pass at her and she is shocked--shocked!--that he would abuse her trust in such a demeaning way.

Creepy son.

Michael Jackson.

One incredible scene of the surgeons attaching the ear grown on the (recently deceased) Vincent the Mouse's back to Dawn Budge's head, while "Vincent (Starry, Starry Night)" by Don McClean plays in the background (!).

One scene of the supposedly nice surgeon coming home to find his lesbian nurse with one bad kidney eating dinner at his home with his wife and discovering that his creepy Michael Jackson lookalike/Scientologist son is a perfect match and plans to donate his kidney, because the nurse is "family."

One boss lady/former interracial adulterous lover revealing that her husband Larry Hagman has had a stroke to the supposedly rat bastard surgeon; Larry Hagman insists on reconstructive facial surgery (would that even do any good? doesn't stroke affect muscle control? wtf?).

One supposedly rat bastard surgeon going to the apartment of his and his best friend/business partner's ex-lover/fiancee/porn star and seducing her with talk of being interested in Scientology.

One supposedly rat bastard surgeon behaving in true rat bastard fashion by telling his ex-fiancee/porn star that he only told her he wanted to learn about Scientology so she would sleep with him; when asked why he didn't simply have sex with "one of his whores," he replies that not only did he need sex, he needed to feel like "the most important man in the world," which only the ex-fiancee/porn star can do for him.

One gratuitous, but obligatory, shot of the rat bastard surgeon's bare naked buttocks. (Number 5,001 so far this season!)

One extremely upset ex-fiancee/porn star having a semi-nervous breakdown in her luxury apartment.

One creepy Michael Jackson lookalike/possibly former Scientologist being seduced by what I can only assume is one highly repulsed but determined former porn star/Scientologist intent on getting revenge on the rat bastard surgeon.

One operation on Larry Hagman's face that causes him to go into cardiac arrest; one rat bastard surgeon lifting up the shock paddles and then looking into the eyes of his former interracial adulterous lover boss lady and wondering if he should just let Larry Hagman die, then deciding it is probably not a good idea with several nurses/witnesses around.

One scene of Larry Hagman regaining his heartbeat.

One scene of rat bastard surgeon trying to convince his former interracial adulterous lover boss lady that she should put Larry Hagman into a nursing home, which she refuses to do and instead resigns herself to giving up her youth in "this tomb."

One heartwarming scene of Dawn Budge recuperating from her mouse ear attachment next to the lesbian nurse with one bad kidney getting dialysis treatment; it dawns on Dawn that all her riches mean nothing next to family and friendship.

One supposedly nice plastic surgeon finally fessing up to his lesbian nurse with one bad kidney that he is a 5 out of 6 match and will donate his kidney to her after all, just before being informed by the lesbian nurse that Dawn Budge is perfect 6 out of 6 match and is willing to be a donor.

One even-more-heartwarming scene of Dawn Budge and the lesbian nurse going under the knife for the kidney transplant; includes Dawn revealing the sexual interlude she had with the rat bastard surgeon to everyone in the operating room.

One preview that indicates an upcoming crisis over the supposedly nice surgeon's intention to operate on his lobster-clawed baby--and a possible affair between the surgeon's wife and the super-hot male little person night nurse!

Super-hot Peter Dinklage!

One thousand huzzahs from Felt Up!

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

The Jeffy Dahmer Experience

When I'm not using my "Jeffy-Won't-Win, Jeffy Won't-Win" mantra, practicing my Far Eastern self-hypnotic breath exercises, or taking some extremely cleansing high colonics--all part of my physical/emotional/psychic preparation for the possibility that Jeffy Dahmer might win "Project Runway" on Wednesday--I am scouring the interweb for scraps of information about My Nemesis.

Sooooo, here's a link to "Project Runway" finalist/possible cheater Jeffy Dahmer's band Lifter on MySpace. Lifter's music is kind of moody and introspective, not at all what you would expect from the self-professed Most Hardcore/Punk/Rock-N-Roll Person This Side Of J. Lo...go figure! I've heard rumors that the song "Swing" (which you can download if you take leave of your senses) will be re-formatted and used for Jeffy's runway show. GOD I HATE HIM SO.

Look for lots of anti-Laura comments from the band's fans/friends, plus photos of a pre-hideous-neck-tattoo Jeffy.

I Won't Budge Until The Light of Dawn

Rosie O'Donnell may be doing a "Nip/Tuck" spin-off show based on her taste-impaired mega-lottery winning character Dawn Budge!

On her website, Rosie responds to a fan's question about the matter thusly:

is it true ur in talks for a spinoff series starring as Dawn budge?

talks r over
i said yes

Felt Up says: Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

Monday, October 16, 2006

FOUND: "Nip/Tuck" Gay Spa Theme Song!

Thanks to an anonymous tipster in the Felt Up Army, our long national nightmare is over and we can now all finally get some sleep at night, safe in the knowledge that the "People Say I'm Gay (I Just Say No Way)" song that played during Dr. Christian Troy's gay spa dream sequence on the last episode of "Nip/Tuck" has been identified! Huzzah!

Mr. or Ms. Anonymous found the MySpace page for the responsible artistes--apparently known quite intriguingly as Hot Pleasure Seeker--and you can check it out--and download the song!--right here.

Thanks very much for the tip, reader! It really does take a village to raise a plastic surgery TV drama...

Don't Cry For Brandon, For The Oil On His Face Shan't Run Dry

Here's a lil' tidbit to help you get through your day: Brandon Davis, the puffy, repellent, oily-haired-and-faced oil heir who seems to have no reason to exist other than making an ass out of himself, is going broke. According to Page Six:
OILY heir Brandon Davis appears to be running out of reserves. Though he made fun of Lindsay "Firecrotch" Lohan, scoffing that she "only" had $7 million, the grandson of supposed billionaire Marvin Davis bounced a $10,000 check he gave to "Girls Gone Wild" creator Joe Francis, and he's also said to owe record producer Scott Storch and The Palm casino owner George Maloof.

Other clues the Davis clan isn't as liquid as was believed: Brandon's aunt, Patty Davis Raynes, is suing the family for more inheritance; his grandmother, Barbara, sold the family's estate in Beverly Hills for close to $42 million; and sources say Nancy Davis (Brandon's mom) is quietly selling her Bel Air home for around $15 million.

Before Brandon told Page Six, "[Bleep] you," and hung up, he explained that his check had bounced because he was switching banks and that he'd paid Francis back in cash (which Francis denies). The check, a copy of which was obtained by Page Six, states it was refused for "insufficient funds."

The family still has enough money for a spokesman, who told us, "There is no truth to these rumors." But he wouldn't comment on specific allegations.

Tee-hee-hee! Tra-la-la! I hate to giggle at other people's misfortunes--in general--but it's hard not to be filled with delight at the prospect of a douchebag like Brandon Davis bouncing checks to sleazeballs like Joe Francis. It's all too, too wonderful! And may I point out once again that his maternal grandfather was Marvin Davis, so--just like those retarded Gotti boys--he should have his father's last name, not his mother's? Using your family name in such a grasping, obvious way is just the tackiest thing in the world (next to calling Lindsay Lohan poor for only having $7 million dollars, that is)...

(At least the guy lucked out in the gene pool department. He could've inherited his grandfather's famously massive girth, which instead went to his flamboyantly odd brother.)

Brandon "Davis"

Image Hosted by
Jason "Davis"

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Freddy Fender RIP

One of the all-time greats from Texas--or anywhere else--has died. From CNN:
Freddy Fender, the "Bebop Kid" of the Texas-Mexico border who later turned his twangy tenor into the smash country ballad "Before the Next Teardrop Falls," died Saturday. He was 69.

Fender, who was diagnosed with lung cancer in early 2006, died at noon at his home in Corpus Christi, Texas, with his family at his bedside, said Ron Rogers, a family spokesman.

Over the years, he grappled with drug and alcohol abuse, was treated for diabetes and underwent a kidney transplant.

Fender hit it big in 1975 after some regional success, years of struggling -- and a stint in prison -- when "Before the Next Teardrop Falls" climbed to No. 1 on the pop and country charts.

"Wasted Days and Wasted Nights" rose to No. 1 on the country chart and top 10 on the pop chart that same year, while "Secret Love" and "You'll Lose a Good Thing" also hit No. 1 in the country charts.

Born Baldemar Huerta, Fender was proud of his Mexican-American heritage and frequently sung verses or whole songs in Spanish. "Teardrop" had a verse in Spanish.

"Whenever I run into prejudice," he told The Washington Post in 1977, "I smile and feel sorry for them, and I say to myself, `There's one more argument for birth control."'

"The Old Man upstairs rolled a seven on me," he told The Associated Press in 1975. "I hope he keeps it up."

More recently, he played with Doug Sahm, Flaco Jimenez and others in two Tex-Mex all-star combos, the Texas Tornados and Los Super Seven.

He won a Grammy of Best Latin Pop Album in 2002 for "La Musica de Baldemar Huerta." He also shared in two Grammys: with the Texas Tornados, which won in 1990 for best Mexican-American performance for "Soy de San Luis," and with Los Super Seven in the same category in 1998 for "Los Super Seven."

Among his other achievements, Fender appeared in the 1987 motion picture "The Milagro Beanfield War," directed by Robert Redford.

In February 1999, Fender was awarded a star in the Hollywood Walk of Fame after then-Texas Gov. George W. Bush wrote to the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce endorsing him.

He said in a 2004 interview with The Associated Press that one thing would make his musical career complete -- induction into the Country Music Hall of Fame in Nashville.

"Hopefully I'll be the first Mexican-American going into Hillbilly Heaven," he said.

What a loss for music-lovers everywhere...but I'm pretty sure if there is a Hillbilly Heaven, Freddy made it in.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

If Jeffy Wins, Please Re-Name This Show "Project Douchebag"

Soooooo, this was the long, drawn-out first section of the two-part finale to "Project Runway," and boy, they really are padding these finales! I wish they would make it a one-night event instead of drawing it out like this. Bah-humbug, Bravo! Harrumph!

The beginning part of the show was devoted to the traditional Tim Gunn Goes To The Final Contestants' Homes, and it was fun to see where everyone lives. Tim was giddy when he arrived at Michael's house in Hotlanta, because it is obvious to everyone that Tim has a ginormous crush on Michael--just like the rest of us! Michael's house was supercute, with bright blue walls and a cheerful, almost minimalist decor. He showed Tim some of his outfits for the final fashion show, and Tim was fairly negative about Michael's designs, which was scary for all of us rooting for Michael to win.

But then they went off to meet Michael's family! Huzzah! His parents live in a nice subdvision and seemed extremely sweet and supportive of their darling son. They were all wearing some version of orange, perhaps in homage to Michael and his bright colors? They showed some precious baby pictures of Michael, plus some of him as a teen with a mustache and a Kid-n-Play-style fade and later a huge afro-ish hairdo. AWESOME. Michael's dad said he always supported everything he ever wanted to do, whether it was an early flirtation with becoming a "beautician" or wanting "to sew," he didn't care, as long as it made Michael happy. They stood in a prayer circle with Tim and held hands before sitting down to some kind of delicious-looking dinner that I wish the show had spent more time on. What did they eat? Did Tim like it? We may never know! DAMMIT, BRAVO!

Then Tim went back to NYC to see Laura in her humongous Manhattan apartment. It was kind of airier and more modern than I thought it would be from the glimpses we'd seen before--lots of bright colors on blond wood floors, and kids' toys everywhere. Plus the vintage Louis Vuitton luggage and the Sargent painting hanging on the wall. LAURA IS RICHER THAN GOD. We get to see her workspace, which is in the apartment, and her collection seemed almost complete. Tim was worried that she needed to "young up" her dresses, and he really hated a pea-green late-1960s-ish long gown and jacket combo that he said wasn't "pretty." One of Laura's six million children offered Tim a piece of "turtle poop," which at first I thought was some kind of silly candy--like gummi worms or somesuch--but no, it really was a turd from a pet turtle. The look on Tim's face was priceless. There were some shots of Laura as a wee tot with her mom, plus some of Laura as a red-headed pre-teen. All of this helped to humanize Laura somewhat. We also got to meet Laura's husband, who had that kind of rich-eccentric-older-guy-with-wild-white-hair-and-glasses thing going on.

Then it was off to Miami to see Uli in her flowy, hippie, summery natural habitat. She had a nice, smallish apartment right on the bay, and talked to Tim about being from a small town in Eastern Germany. She showed some long, flowy, hippie, summery gowns to Tim, who told her she needed to avoid seeming "one note" to the judges. She countered by showing him some sort of short dress or long skirt made out of sparkling silver fabric with a gold and silver sequined trim, which he seemed to like--kind of. Then they went out for a walk on the beach, which meant Tim had to take off his suit jacket (!) and later even his shoes (!!), so we got to see his pale, pale feet (!!!). There were pictures of a tiny blonde Uli in scary old communist Eastern Germany, looking very Teutonic. She seemed to be in shock that she has made it so far from those days, and it was pretty heartwarming.

However, nothing--not a cute little toddler, not a be-mohawked wife, not a childhood filled wih fear of an angry father, not a drug addiction, not even a suicide attempt--nothing can warm my heart towards Jeffy Dahmer. Because a) he seems to be doing fine and dandy in his cute little L.A. house with his punky wife and kid and b) he is still a total and complete TOOL. GOD I HATE HIM. What made me most violent (and later on, suspicious) was that they went to his "workroom" and it's a gigantic sweatshop-looking space in what appears to be the garment district of L.A., with row upon row of machines and whatever else is used to manufacture clothing--so he already has his own line. When he had talked before, ad nauseum, about making clothes for "rock-n-rollers" like J. Lo, I had assumed he was hand-making things in his house and taking a few items to local boutiques in L.A. But noooooooo, this a-hole is on the show apparently just to garner publicity for his already-flourishing clothing company! It looked like hundreds of people could work there! Every other finalist they have ever visited on this show had a tiny workspace that was usually inside their home. NEVER has there been someone with this level of production/manufacture at their disposal. AAAAAAAH! I HATE JEFFY SO MUCH I CAN'T STAND IT.

Eventually all four returned to New York to stay in a fancy modern-y hotel. Laura was pleased to see Uli and Michael, but refused to get up out of her chair for Jeffy. Have I mentioned how much I'm beginning to like Laura? The only thing is that she seemed sort of out to get him from the minute he arrived, so it makes her later accusations seem kind of vindictive, but whatever, I still love it that she loathes him as much as I, and all other decent people, do.

The designers took their garments to their new workroom, sponsored by Macy's. They all sniffed around each other's clothing. Tim had nothing but praise for stupid Jeffy and his Haute Topique Spring 2006 collection. Bleh! (It did look pretty good, I have to admit. Bleh! Bleh!) Tim was less enthused about Michael's designs. He thought one outfit looked "cartoony." EEK! I'm so scared for Michael! Tim liked that Laura had removed the pea green outfit that he hated so much, and he was a tad "concerned" about Uli's collection.

There was a scene showing Tim gathering receipts from each contestant, to show how they spent their alloted $8,000 for their collections. Everyone but Jeffy handed over the receipts promptly; Jeffy kind of futzed around, like, "I had them here somewhere!" and this is all made to look pretty suspicious. Hmmmm...

Then they went out to pick their models and talk to the hair and makeup people about their runway looks. Back at the workroom, everyone but Jeffy was working on the finishing touches for their clothes--putting on trim, hooks, etc. Jeffy was literally twiddling his thumbs, because he had absolutely nothing to do. His garments were completely finished. Again, never before on this show have the final contestants shown up with 100% perfect, ready-to-hit-the-runway clothing. He barely had to make adjustments to fit the models. He kind of looked at the ceiling and sat there, bored, while the other three went about their work. Finally, when he left the room, Laura went over and snooped around his rack of clothes, and she pointed out the perfection of his execution to Michael and Uli. Michael was in agreement, especially about a pair of leather shorts that looked very professionally-made, while Uli was more doubtful, pointing out that certain seems did not look all that perfect.

When Tim came into the room, Laura took him out on the patio and told him that she suspected that Jeffy had "outside help" constructing his clothing. She said she had no doubts that these were his own designs, but that there was no way he could have produced this level of craftmanship and perfection on his own in the time allotted them (two months). (God, I wish they had flashed back to the rows of sewing machines in his FACTORY right then.) Tim said that it was almost impossible to prove something like this, but that he would take her allegations to the producers and they would investigate as thoroughly as they could. He mentioned that they would look carefully at Jeffy's receipts. I found it odd that they put so much faith into the receipts--if someone spent more than the allotted amount, all they would have to do is omit that particular receipt, if there even was a receipt to begin with! I seriously doubt the producers are going to find a "PAID: $2,500 to sweatshop workers for sewing my designs" receipt in Jeffy's pile.

Then Laura told Jeffy what she had said to Tim, and his reaction was way less defensive and/or aggressive than one might expect of someone falsely accused of cheating. He really didn't even deny it at first, he just kind of floundered around and had a deer-caught-in-the-headlights faux hurt look on his stupid face. Tim came around later to look more carefully at Jeffy's collection, and asked specific questions about specific garments, and Jeffy said he sewed every single piece himself, except that he sent out two things to be "pleated," which was confusing. Apparently that is allowed? What is so hard about pleating? Compared to some of the other elaborate pieces he showed, pleating doesn't seem like the kind of thing he would need to "send out."

And that is pretty much how it ends, with the issue unresolved and dangling before us like a carrot. In the previews for the second part of the finale, they edit it to look like Tim is going to make a very dramatic announcement about Jeffy that begins with the word "unfortunately," and then they show Jeffy sobbing into Uli's arms, but I seriously doubt they are going to not let him show. For one thing, WE ALREADY SAW PICTURES OF HIS RUNWAY SHOW IN ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY. Plus, Bravo has the wiliest, evilest editors on earth, and they constantly mislead and misrepresent what actually occurs on the show. My only hope is that they tell him he can show at Fashion Week but that he is not allowed to win. But if living in these United States all my years has shown me anything, it is that mean, unlikable creeps WIN ALL THE TIME. ARGH!

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

I Swear On These Fake Balls, It's The...

Last night on "Nip/Tuck" there was:

One dream sequence involving two plastic surgeons in matching swim briefs at a gay spa while a song (which I haven't been able to identify, anyone who knows please let me know!) with the lyrics "People say I'm gay, I just say no way (BOYS!)" plays in the background; the dream involves one surgeon rubbing suntan oil on the other's chest and then segues into one surgeon on an operating table getting his chest waxed by the other surgeon's boss lady/adulterous interracial lover, and eventually the surgeon needing CPR ("the kiss of life") from the other surgeon.

One super-hot male little person night nurse with a bout of stomach flu.

One potential stalker female night nurse candidate/adulterous sex partner being called in by unsuspecting wife of plastic surgeon to take the place of ailing super-hot male little person night nurse.

One elderly male patient/boss man, played by Larry Hagman, appearing at the office with a penis pump attached to penis; he is given an allergy pill and the pump is removed, but his erection remains, so he hops it over to his wife's office for some behind-closed-door interracial non-adulterous action.

One scene of potential stalker female night nurse/adulterous sex partner attempting a DIY belly-button piercing at her home; her adulterous sex partner plastic surgeon boss does the deed himself before trying to (unsuccessfully) bribe her out of his life forever.

One reappearance of Dr. Brooke Shields, as a sex-addicted therapist last seen getting doggy-styled over her desk during a therapy session with a plastic surgeon.

One shot of Dr. Brooke Shields' lower back, which is tattooed with the words "Property of Marco," a souvenir/source of shame from her days as a sado-masichistic sex slave to someone named, presumably, Marco.

One scene of tattoo getting removed, while The Rolling Stones' "Slave" plays in the background.

One plastic surgeon telling Dr. Brooke Shields about his homoerotic dream involving both his business partner and boss lady/interracial adulterous lover; Dr. Brooke advises surgeon that dream means he needs to tell boss lady/interracial adulterous lover how he really feels about her, and pronto.

One scene of potential stalker female night nurse/adulterous sex partner nursing the surgeon's lobster-clawed baby. (Is this even possible if she wasn't pregnant herself? Felt Up is so not an expert on these matters, but it seems to strain credulity.) Surgeon freaks out; potential stalker female night nurse/adulterous sex partner threatens to tell surgeon's wife about their affair.

One scene in which Larry Hagman tells his wife and his employee/plastic surgeon that he knows about their interracial love affair and wants them to continue--with him watching--or he will destroy both of their lives.

One use of the phrase "I swear on these fake balls" by Larry Hagman, in an Emmy-caliber bravado performance.

One scene of Dr. Brooke Shields telling plastic surgeon that she thought the woman in his dream was Dr. Brooke Shields.

One appearance by potential stalker/night nurse/adulterous sex partner/breast milk feeder at the surgeon's office, demanding that he do something about her breast, which has become infected after constant breastfeeding by lobster-clawed baby.

One surgeon tempted to murder potential stalker/night nurse/adulterous sex partner/breast milk feeder while she is on the operating table.

One potential stalker/night nurse/adulterous sex partner/breast milk feeder freaking out, threating not only to tell surgeon's wife about their affair, but to tell the police that he raped her.

One potential stalker/night nurse/adulterous sex partner/breast milk feeder hit by bus.

One dead potential stalker/night nurse/adulterous sex partner/breast milk feeder.

One secret, immoral "therapy" session between unsuspecting pawn Larry Hagman and new potential stalker/sexual obsessive/licensed therapist Dr. Brooke Shields, which shows that the "have sex in front of me or else" idea was all hers, in some sort of crazy/stalker-y/nefarious scheme to woo the plastic surgeon.

One scene of surgeon and boss lady/interracial adulteress making sweet, if uncomfortable, love in front of a teary-eyed Larry Hagman, while The Rolling Stones' sad, wistful ode to old age, "As Tears Go By," plays in the background.

One scene of Dr. Brooke Shields having "Property Of Dr. Christian Troy" tattooed on the exact same spot where her previoius tattoo used to be. (Ouch!)

Zero scenes with creepy Michael Jackson-lookalike son/Scientologist stooge, thank God.

One preview indicating the return of Rosie O'Donnell, who apparently has her ear torn off in an "ear jacking," and whose new ear will somehow be GROWN on an ultra-special, exceedingly disturbing "ear mouse."

One blogette who can't wait for next week!

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Bud Ain't Kosher

Whew! What a day for gossip! First, of course, we had The Great Paris/Shanna Catfight of 2006. Then, stories are flying around that Madonna may or may not have adopted a Malawian child. And now it comes to light that Mel Gibson might have fallen off the wagon right here in Felt Up's home base of Austin, Texas! Wheee!

MSNBC's Jeannette Walls reports that Mel,
who publicly sought help for his alcoholism less than two months ago — was spotted drinking beer in Austin, Texas, according to the upcoming issue of the National Enquirer.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes. Mel Gibson was swigging a Bud with two adoring young women hanging on his every word,” the tab quotes a musician named Steven Smith as saying. Smith claims that the alleged incident occurred at Stubb's Bar-B-Q on Sept. 22 at around 1:15 a.m. According to Smith, about 75 people were at the bar, but Gibson and his group were in an area that was “cordoned off so no one could bother him.”

Another unnamed source backs up the claim, telling the Enquirer “He definitely was drinking Budweiser. I saw him.”

Gibson was arrested on a drunk-driving charge on July 28 and erupted in an anti-Semitic tirade. On Aug. 17, he pleaded no contest; he was sentenced to three years probation and went into an out-patient treatment for his alcoholism.

Gibson was in Austin for the screening of his new movie, “Apocalypto,” but his rep insists that he drank no alcohol during the trip.

“The story’s not true,” spokesman Alan Neirob told The Scoop. “He wasn’t drinking anything alcoholic.

Any A-towners know this musician named "Stephen Smith"? Did anyone go to the "Apocalypto" showing at the Alamo Drafthouse? I need answers, dammit!

Boy, I would be so proud of my lil' ole town if we actually did play host to Mel Gibson's sordid return to the booze. Sure, San Antonio has The Alamo, and Dallas, let me see...The Texas Book Depository, but Austin has Stubb's BBQ, The Place Where Mel Gibson May Have Drunk A Bud! Yee-haw!

Nip/Tuck Round Up!

Last night on "Nip/Tuck" there was:

One montage showing the inter-racial adulterous love that is blossoming between a plastic surgeon and his boss lady.

One Madam, played to perfection by Miss Jaqueline Bisset, blackmailing the plastic surgeon with photos of his adulterous inter-racial love affair with his boss lady to pay her the money owed to her by the boss lady, after noting quite bitchily that the plastic surgeon prefers "the darker varietals"--of wine, of course.

One white trashy Powerball Lotto winner, played with an incongruous New Yawk accent by Ms. Rosie O'Donnell, who demands liposuction for herself, "new titties" and a belly button overhaul for her southern-accented teenage daughter, and a penis enhancement for her southern-accented husband.

One creepy teenage son gathering trash on the side of the road in the name of Scientology community service.

One scene of liposuction performed to the Art of Noise's version of "Money (That's What I Want)."

One fancy Porsche bought for creepy son to bribe him out of Scientology.

Once fancy diamond ring bought to bribe wife after adulterous affair with would-be night nurse/nanny/potential stalker.

One "deprogrammer" hired to kidnap and de-brainwash the Scientology out of creepy son.

One utterly failed kidnapping attempt, foiled by agility and wiliness of creepy son, aided and abetted by phalanx of even creepier Scientology thugs.

One scene of white trash Lotto winner's daughter engaging in a sexual act with her stepfather, witnessed by mother and plastic surgeon in extremely awesome tacky bedroom.

One "indecent proposal" by white trash Lotto winner to buy sex with plastic surgeon for $400,000.

One scene of sad, unfulfilling sex on a zebra skin rug in front of a large mirror.

One scene of the plastic surgeon paying Jaqueline Bisset with the indecent proposal money on behalf of his boss lady/adulterous inter-racial lover, unbeknownst to the boss lady.

One long montage set to The Rolling Stones' "Gimme Shelter" that shows:

--One scene of Jaqueline Bisset telling boss lady she still owes her and forcing her back into what appears to be prostitution.

--One scene of boss lady at a bar, picking up a man.

--One scene of Jaqueline Bisset, in black trench coat and sunglasses, in a hotel room with the boss lady, cutting out the liver of the man who got picked up at the bar (!)

--One scene of ill-fated re-marriage of plastic surgeon, attended by their daughter and lobster-clawed baby.

One set of previews indicating that the would-be night nurse/nanny has indeed become a stalker and may or may not be pregnant with love child of adulterous plastic surgeon (!)

Blonde On Blonde

Holy celebuwhores, Batman, we've got a totally awesome catfight on our hands! TMZ reports that human stain Paris "P. Hole" Hilton got into a shoving/punching brawl with Shanna "The Future Ex-Mrs. Barker" Moakler at (where else?) ridiculous L.A. celeb hangout, Hyde. And Greek shipping heir/attention slut//pawn in Lindsay Lohan's love games Stavros Niachros was involved, too! Huzzah!
TMZ has learned that Paris Hilton and Shanna Moakler have both filed police reports early Wednesday morning, alleging each was attacked. Paris says Moakler socked her in the jaw. Moakler claims Paris' ex shoved her down some stairs.

Elliot Mintz, Paris' publicist, tells TMZ that his client was at Hyde nightclub Wednesday night and at approximately 1:10 a.m. she says she was approached by Shanna, who allegedly began screaming obscenities at her. Hilton says at that point Moakler struck her in the jaw with a closed fist as she continued to shout profanities. Mintz says Moakler was restrained and several people helped Paris exit Hyde. Mintz says Hilton never touched Moakler.

Mintz and Hilton then went to the LAPD's Hollywood Division where she filed a police report, alleging battery.

We're told Moakler also went to the station to file a report against Paris' companion that evening, Stavros Niarchos, alleging that he poured a drink over her head. A source tells TMZ that Moakler alleges that Niarchos shoved her down some stairs.

We're told police took photos of both women at the station, though it's unclear if either showed visible signs of injury.

Mintz told TMZ, "I would encourage Paris, with the consent of her attorney, to seek a restraining order against Moakler to prevent any escalation of this irrational and dangerous behavior."

OK, so far, so great! But wait, the best is yet to come:
We're told some of the dancers from "Dancing with the Stars" witnessed the incident. Moakler was a contestant on the show but has already been eliminated from the competition.

Sources tell TMZ the bad blood between Hilton and Moakler is over Hilton's friendship with Travis Barker, Moakler's estranged husband. A source in Paris' camp claims Moakler recently left "menacing" phone messages on Hilton's answering machine.

Recently, TMZ cameras caught Hilton in a passionate liplock with Moakler's estranged husband Travis Barker during a wild night out at a Manhattan night club.

Ohpleaseohpleaseohplease let P. Hole and/or Stavros go to jail! Sadly, I doubt that P.Hole will do any time for her DUI charge, but maybe if Shanna can prove that Stavros threw her down a flight of stairs....a girl can dream, can't she? Dreaming is free, is it not?

The Barkers in happier, Paris-free times. What is it about this guy that reminds me of Jeffy Dahmer from "Project Runway?" It's reallly bugging me! I feel like it's on the tip of my tongue...about to bite me in the neck, even...what could it be?

This story has it all--someone being mean to Paris, someone punching Paris in the face, Stavros Niachros being a retarded he-man woman-abuser to a Playboy Playmate, witnesses who also happen to dance on "Dancing With The Stars" (now that they've had the Scissor Sisters on there, DWTS is fast becoming the awesomest show on TV--after "Nip/Tuck," of course!). The only thing that could've made it better? A pre-catfight dance-off, of course! But, hey. We already have the moon, so why ask for the stars?

I'll say it again: HUZZAH!