Saturday, September 30, 2006

What the Elle?

Sorry for the lateness of The Rehash, but there has been some tumult at Felt Up HQ of late. Plus, I thought this episode was kind of laaaaaame.

The most exciting thing that happened on the whole episode was that Uli stole Michael's awesome model, Nazri. I really feared for Michael...Nazri is like his muse! Michael did not do as I would and scream "YOU NAZI BEYOTCH" at Uli, but he did look pretty shocked. He took Clarissa as his new model. Ack!

The designers were taken to Nina Garcia's office at Elle, which was a pretty goddamned nice office, let me tell you. (Oh, if only we could have seen a glimpse of her apartment! A little champagne toast Chez Nina, with Laura sniffing around to see if it was as fancy as her own luxury swankienda--probably not, if the few glimpses we've seen of her ginormous apartment, John Singer Sargent paintings, and vintage Louis Vuitton luggage set are indicative of the incredible wealth she posesses). A girl can dream, can't she? But there's no way Nina would let that ridiculous Jeffy Dahmer into her Inner Sanctum, because although she can be a touch cranky, she's not crazy.

Nina explained how important editorial features are for a designer, which of course means that Nina herself is VERY EFFING IMPORTANT, which is why Tim Gunn is always saying DON'T BORE NINA!

The challenge was to design something that shows the contestants' "vision." They were given cameras to take pictures of their models out in the mean streets of Manhattan, $250 for materials, two days, and a piece of paper on which they were to write three words which best describes what they're all about, design-wise. I immediately predicted that Jeffy's three words would be "Rock" "And" "Roll." GOD I HATE JEFFY.

The winner of the challenge would be featured in Elle's "First Look" section!

There wasn't much drama. Uli bought her usual long, flowy print, and then when she saw it on her dress form, decided it wouldn't "wow" anyone (DON'T BORE NINA!) and scrapped her original muu-muu design. Instead of a long gown she would make a minidress. I'm fairly certain her three descriptive words for herself were "St. Tropez," "Palm Beach," and "Hippie."

Uli's final design:

Michael had the most trouble with the project. He had a bad case of "designer's block" and didn't seem to have any idea what direction he should go in. He finally decided he would do a purple satin evening gown, for good or ill. His three defining words were "Sexy" "Sexy" and "Sexy." Oh, Michael! Be careful! Don't break Tim Gunn's heart--he loves you almost as much as I do!

Michal's gown:

Laura, flush from her win last week, decided to do yet another cocktail dress with a plunging neckline. This one was pale and sparkly and very Breast Bone Chic. Her three words were "Frighteningly" "Thin" "Mommy-To-Be."

Laura's Same Dress Again:

Jeffy, of course, was slamming everyone else's designs and just generally being THE BIGGEST TOOL ALIVE. GOD I HATE HIM! His big idea was to change course and show the judges that he wasn't just a hardcore rock-n-roll living god but that he also has a softer, more romantic side. EWWW! PUKE! BLEH! BARF! He made a velvet poufy Hot Topic Victorian frock that even Helena Bonham Carter wouldn't wear. His three words were "Provocative," "Irreverent," and "Douche-y." I'm paraphrasing here.

Jeffy's new Spring 2007 Haute Topique line:

Really, this episode could not have been less exciting. The guest judge was Teri Agins, the fashion writer for The Wall Street Journal. Which, you know, kudos to Teri Agins--she seemed to know her stuff, and I really liked the cute dress she was wearing, but I was kind of hoping that as we get near the end of the show the guest judges would get more famous and thrilling...and not less. I mean, last week's guest was Zac Posen! I was thinking more along the lines of an Alexander McQueen or a John Galliano or even a dear, crazy ole Valentino. (I might pee my pants if they ever managed to get a Karl Lagerfeld on there. PEE MY PANTS.) This Wall Street lady was just kind of a let-down. Sigh.

Uli won with her minidress. The judges thought this print dress was a bold departure from her previous 9,000 print dresses. It was actually pretty nice, but mainly I think she won because she had Michael's muse, Nazri, as her model! Nazri can do no wrong! She is runway gold!

They showed a lot of discussion amongst the judges about the other three designers. Laura, they thought, didn't try hard enough to be different and made a nice, safe, Laura dress. They were right. Jeffy, they thought, tried to be different but made a terrible dress. They were right. Michael, they thought, tried to be different but made a terrible dress. This one was more ambiguous for me. I thought it wasn't too bad--and was certainly way better than Jeffy's ragamuffin velvet disaster--but it wasn't Michael's best. They really played it out like Michael was going to be sent home--despite the fact that this was his very first time in the bottom two while it was Jeffy's 5,000th time. If they had kicked Michael off, I might have had to fly to New York, riot in front of Parsons, and burn Michael Kors in effigy. But luckily, he did not get auf'd...

...however, neither did stupid poseur Jeffy Dahmer, because they wittily decided to let all four be in the Final Three. So although I was glad for Michael, I was sad for me and the entire television audience, because we were totally gypped of our chance to say auf wiedersehen to SOMEONE. It was just a big let down turn-off boring crappy way to end the show.

I liked this post on the Project Runway website from one MaureeenT:
"AAAAARGH!!!! The judges WUSSED OUT! It should have been Jeffrey!!!!!! WUSSES! WUSSES!"

MaureenT, whoever you are, I applaud you. I couldn't have said it better myself.

Happily, though, the reunion show is up next! Watch in a combination of horror and excitement as Malan smiles and bares his wampyre teeth! Thrill to Keith denying that he cheated and generally being an egomaniac in total denial of reality! Drink a shot every time someone says "Tim" or "Heidi"--just like the contestants do!

I cannot wait!

I just watched the heartwarming season finale of "Celebrity Fit Club 4" and had a few thoughts. First, move over Jay McCarroll, because Bonecrusher is America's new sweetheart! He is a DELIGHT. Second, Big Pussy may be a spouse abuser, but his gruff charm has softened me towards him. Third, Angie Stone really turned herself around! She went from being the whiniest, most unlikable complainer on the planet to being an inspiration for overweight singing divas everywhere through sheer hard work, determination, and spunk! Fourth, Tina Yothers lost 42 POUNDS in three months! Really remarkable. Huzzah! But boy, does she need to lose that dark hair. It's aging, Tina! SO AGING! Lastly, Carnie Wilson is annoying.

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