Thursday, September 07, 2006

Mystery Solved?

The Felt Up "Project Runway" Rehash will be a teensy bit late this week, as your humble blogette is a busy bee today. But she is not so remiss in her duties that she could ignore this awesome rumor that Janet Charlton ran today on her website:
Ok, we weren't going to bother spreading this story, but whenever we tell it to anyone they encourage us to do so. So here we go. Keep in mind this is a RUMOR, but it explains a lot. The story goes that when Katie Holmes split with her exboyfriend Chris Klein in March 2005, she may or may not have realized she was pregnant with his baby. She started dating Tom in April, 2005, and according to this tale, when Tom found out she was expecting, he not only didn't MIND , but he insisted on taking credit for the pregnancy. They abruptly got engaged in June 2005. Since the baby was scheduled to be born too soon into their relationship, Tom and Katie faked the birth date. She actually gave birth months EARLIER than the announced birth. She wore padding for the last few months after the REAL birth, and made sure she was photographed. In case you don't remember, Suri's announced April 18 birth was oddly undocumented - there were no hospital records or specifics. Where WAS Suri born? Tom and Katie didn't want their baby photographed because it would be apparent that Suri wasn't newborn. After a few months it's not so easy to recognize a baby's exact age. Have you noticed that Suri has uniquely slanted eyes like Chris Klein?

Now, in the past, Felt Up has playfully--and with the utmost dignity--questioned whether or not lil' baby Suri was possibly an alien or a figment of Tom and Katie's imagination or born from a petrie dish using L. Ron Hubbard's frozen sperm or perhaps even Superman's younger sister, Kal-Ellie, but really, this story makes the most sense of anything else that has been floated around.

I can totally see Tom Cruise wanting to pretend to be the baby's dad, so that a) he can prove he's not gay and b) he can prove he's not gay. Also, I always wondered why he and Nicole Kidman adopted two kids when they were married, if Nicole is now (rumored) to be pregnant and Tom was able to have a baby. SOMEONE IN THAT MARRIAGE COULDN'T HAVE CHILDREN AND I THINK HIS INITIALS ARE T.C. This story also kind of makes the whole couch-jumping craziness make a tiny bit more sense--he was rushing the whole thing forward in the misguided attempt to make the baby's imminent arrival more palatable to the public. Nice job on that one, Tom. Well-played, sir!

If you look back on the whole debacle, this explanation just works. Chris Klein, get your pea brain to a DNA lab, and pronto, unless of course you already signed some secret deal to sell your baby to Tom Cruise. (I have to say that I would rather be fake-engaged to Tom Cruise in all his Scientologist nuttery for the rest of my life than spend one second with that jerkwad Chris Klein, who is the type of guy who weighs his girlfriend to make sure she' not getting fat.)

(Incidentally, I got the Suri Cruise pix from China Daily's article, "Where Did Suri Cruise Get her 'Asian' Eyes?" You know your child looks Asian when even the Chinese are confused about her ethnicity.)

1 comment:

porkmuffin said...

this is totally the answer to the mystery.