Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Liza's A Cabaret, Ole Chum. Come To The Cabaret!

Just when a humble blogette is afraid that her ennui will never lift, that there will never be any delightfully outrageous celeb shenanigans to feed the voracious gossip monkey on her back, WENN provides this little nugget about Felt Up fave rave Liza Minelli and her long, drawn-out, suprememly fascinating divorce from her hideously self-mutilated ex, David Gest:
The nasty divorce battle between Liza Minnelli and David Gest has become even worse, with Minnelli accusing her estranged husband of trying to poison her and Gest charging that she hid the fact that she had a sexually transmitted disease.

According to papers filed in a Manhattan, New York Supreme Court, Minnelli claims she was "living in fear" while she and the music producer were married, because she was scared he was "trying to poison her with drugs".

Meanwhile, Gest claims the Oscar-winner hid her sexually transmitted disease, herpes simplex, from him until well after they were married. A source close to Gest tells the New York Post, "David was devastated when he found (this) out a year after they had been together and six months after they were married."

In the court filing, Gest's lawyers demands to know when and how Minnelli got infected and plan to make her medical condition an issue in their long-running divorce case where each is accusing the other of being "cruel and inhuman".

The estranged couple have been locked in a court clash since splitting in July 2003.

Seriously, could this be any better? All of this wonder and spectacle and fabulosity on top of a story that already included security guards who filed sexual harrassment suits against Liza, the original wedding party (with a zombiefied Michael Jackson as best man and freak-a-deaky Elizabeth Taylor as matron of honor), Gest forcing Liza to diet, Gest's claims that he was beaten up by Liza, Liza's claims that Gest tried to kill her, Liza concussing herself by falling out of bed, drunk? With the addition of herpes and spousal poisoning, this is now, quite simply, the best gossip story ever. There, I said it. Yes, even better than Kirstie Alley's assistant having to breastfeed her pet possum. Yes, even better than the Great Mariah Carey Meltdown of 2001. It's better than anything that has ever occurred in the history of mankind, including the birth of Jesus Christ.

No matter what happens, this is The Big One. I don't care if some day we find out that Shiloh Jolie Pitt was switched with Suri Cruise by a Scientologist baby snatching ring. I don't care if I wake up tomorrow and discover that Jennifer Aniston is pregnant with the late crocodile hunter Steve Irwin's lovechild. I don't care if, some time in the near future, Jessica Simpson gains fifty pounds, loses every hair on her head, and finally succombs to her demons and murders her sister Ashlee Simpson in a jealous rage over their father's love. LIZA'S DIVORCE IS THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD AND WILL SURELY ONLY GET BETTER WITH EACH PASSING DAY.

God bless you Liza Minelli. You are the light and joy of my life.

1 comment:

TrAngela said...

I miss their TV reality show SO MUCH.

Oh, Liza. How you lift me up.