Thursday, September 14, 2006

Kayne! Come Back, Kayne! Come Back!

OK, to be honest, I did not see the entire episode of "Project Runway," as I was basking in the afterglow of seeing a free Gnarls Barkely show here in Austin. (Totally rad, people! Rad!) However, I did catch the second half of the repeat, and boy, was I confused. In the interest of full disclosuure, your Humble Felt Up blogette had had a few drinkies of an adult nature at said awesome concert, and so when she saw that Vincent and Angela were in the workroom making clothing, it was as if some time-space contiuum had been warped and your humble blogette had been pushed through Alice's looking glass into Bizzarro World where white is black, right is wrong, and Angela is still making granny circles for a giant ruched, ruffled wampyre collar for a drakul. Either that or it was a rerun.

But eventually my scotch-soaked brain figured out that Vincent and Angela had been asked to come back because they had each, improbably, won a previous challenge, and so were given a second chance--the twist was that three designers instead of one would be eliminated. I had a pretty good idea who two of them would be, especially since the only way Angela or Vincent could stay in was to win the challenge.

It also became clear that the challenge was to make a cocktail dress using both black and white material, and the contestants were supposed to use up all the fabric and not have anything left over. The sucky thing was that I missed the party at the beginning that was hyped up in the previews so much and gave the impression that Laura had some kind of breakdown. Can someone fill me in on the details before I go mad? Or was it another case of misleading Bravo promos that over-dramatize a not-so-sensational situation?

Clearly, Vincent lost none of his crazed bravado simply by being booted off the show once. I don't know who has more of an egomania problem, Vincent or Jeffy Dahmer, but they both are soooooo ungracious and smug that I want to smack them with a dead fish about the face and head. GOD I HATE THEM BOTH!

Vincent's oufit actually doesn't look half bad, for Vincent, but he was dealt a crappy hand when he finds out the day of the fitting that his model was hit by a bus and won't be able to walk the runway. (I had heard a rumor about this situation earlier in the season and the story I got was that the first thing his model said after waking up in the hospital was "Am I still on 'Project Runway?' She made a full recovery, by the way. From the accident I mean. I'm not sure she'll ever recover her dignity after wearing Vincent's hideous designs down the catwalk.) They didn't make a very big deal about it on the show, but as much as I loathe Vincent, I thought the judges should have cut him a bit of slack for having to fit a larger sized model on the day of the runway show. The zipper broke and he was sewing her into the dress as she was getting her L'Oreal Paris make-up put on. On the other hand, GOD I HATE VINCENT SO WHO CARES.

The guest judge was Zac Posen. Oh. My. God!

Laura showed a lace minidress with a scoopy-neck and little sleeves. I didn't hate it, but I also did not agree with the judges (or Tim Gunn) that it looked much younger and fresher than her other designs. I thought the lace and sparkles looked kind of old ladyish. But it wasn't terible. Tim's Take:
She used black lace over white fabric to create a baby doll dress with a square neckline. She embellished the look with a sprinkling of crystals and black feathers on the skirt. She described it as being “very Josephine Baker,” and it was, indeed. It was young, it was modern, and it was sophisticated.

I don't know if it was so much "Josephine Baker" as it was "Liza Minelli in the Go-Go '80s After Three Days Rehearsing With Frank Sinatra and Sammy Davis, Jr." Not that that's a bad thing, at all.

Kayne sent out a black dress that looked nice from the front, but apparently didn't use enough white fabric for the judges' liking. Also, they thought it was tacky to use a spider web lace thingy in the back. Poor Kayne. Here's what Tim had to say:
How did Kayne not understand the critical importance of using black AND white fabrics? I was mystified. He bought a white trim that was about three-quarters-of-an-inch wide and that was it. So, he designed an all-black dress that was truly beautiful from the front -- great silhouette and proportions -- but a hot mess in the back. He incorporated the white trim into the back of the dress by weaving it through a minimalist spider web -- ugh. Had Kayne been one of my Parsons students, I would have disqualified his design prior to the Runway show.

Michael, of course, did a fabulous job. I reallly liked that he went against the grain and did a white cocktail dress instead of black, and then did a wide, sparkly belt. His model's hair, jewelry, accessories all looked great. The judges loved, loved, loved it, and so did Tim:
Michael’s off the shoulder, matte jersey dress with a black, patent leather waistband with matching handbag was a total knockout. (The handbag contained his scraps of fabric.) The proportions created by the way in which the cummerbund-like waistband divided the dress were sublime. For me, Michael’s look was a strong contender for the win, again!

I know I always say this, but I liked Michael's the best and thought it should have won. Some of the commenters on the Bravo site said that up close the dress looked a little cheaply-made, but none of the judges said anything about that. (And the majority of commenters loved Michael's dress best.) I liked it waaaay more than Laura's.

Oh, God. Jeffy. How I loathe this person. I hate even mentioning his monstrosity of an outfit. Michael Kors said it best: "It's Gwen Stefani again and again and again." Have I ever mentioned how much I hate Gwen Stefani? Anyway, Jeffy did this totally trashy mini-dress with some truly God-awful shiny leggings that, yes, I will say it again, ARE AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE AT ANY HOT TOPIC STORE IN AMERICA. He should forget about working for Macy's and just go straight to Hot Topic and take over their Morbid line. It's all he can do! AAACK! GOD I HATE JEFFY! Here are Tim's thoughts:
Jeffrey’s design eluded me, as did his fabric choices. He selected black and white prints that looked oddly anemic; that is, washed out and lackluster. What happened to the dramatic thinking that he just demonstrated in the couture challenge and for which he won? His mini-dress said sporty rather that cocktail, and the sloppy leggings didn’t fit either case.

I have to disagree with Mr. Gunn. Jeffy's mini-drss and leggings didn't say "sporty rather than cocktail," they said "too trashy for a Hollywood hooker." I bet even those whore-y Pussycat Dolls wouldn't be caught dead in something this bad--and those girls will wear any ole hoochie thing.

Vincent's outfit wasn't too bad---for Vincent. Not too kooky, pretty tasteful, except that his skirt was kind of short. Was it because his new model was too tall, or is Vincent just a nutty nutball with no taste? Hard to say. Tim's take:
Vincent bought too much fabric and claimed that it was MOOD’s fault. Really? I have to say that I responded well to his black top with cummerbund pleating. It had a beautiful silhouette, the proportions of the pleats were great, and it set the appropriate tone for a cocktail party. But what was with that skirt? It was entirely too short, and this factor threw off the proportional relationship to the top. And, worse still, was the stole. It was simply a way of using up his excess yardage. It looked awkward and arbitrary. Egads.

Oh, how I love Tim and his "egads." Right on the money, too.

Angela's ashes were not up to the task at hand, and everyone but Angela knew it. She made a terrible satin sack with the afore-mentioned wampyre collar stuck on top. It was just a total mess. Heidi made her open the purse that she used as an accessory (she didn't make the purse) and all her extra fabric was stuffed inside it. Angela looked like a deer caught in the headlights right about then. Of her outfit, Tim says:
Her design was pure Angela. You have to hand it to her: she has a point of view. Her black dress was a Jubilee Jumbles extravaganza of ruffles, ruching, and granny circles, god-bless-her. And if that weren’t enough, a black leather shrug cum bolero was lined in pin-tucked, off-white charmeuse. She called the top “Edwardian.” I thought it looked more like something you’d wear for a dislocated shoulder.

Ouch! I love that Tim will use every opportunity he has to mention Jubilee Jumbles. Poor Angela's tombstone will read: "Here Lies Angela Keslar, Maker of Granny Circles, Creator of Jubilee Jumbles, Terrible Designer."

Uli did her usual fluttery hippie print, this time in mini-dress form. She also did these sort of detached sleeves that were kind of kooky, and used her extra fabric to make a giant rope necklace. The judges weren't too excited to see that she trotted out the pony that is her one trick, again. St. Tropez, Miami Beach, blah blah blah. I didn't hate her dress, but I saw their point about her needing to branch out a bit more. (I thought it was funny that Michael Kors did an impersonation of Uli's German accent right in front of Heidi, who looked a little underwhelmed.)

In the end, after much discussion amongst the judges about how much they loved Michael and Laura's design, Laura was declared the winner. As I said, I missed all the Laura-related drama at the beginning of the show, but she seemed to really need this win to pick up her spirits and get her confidence back, so that's nice. Sweet, gracious Michael called out a heart-felt "Congratulations!" to her as she exited the runway. Oh, Michael. How I lurve you!

Michael was IN. He'd better been, or someone whose name rhymes with Pennifer would have (drunkenly) rioted in the streets last night. Uli was IN.

To no one's surprise, except maybe Vincent's, Vincent and Angela did not win the challenge, so they were OUT. Again. It was kind of satisfying to see Vincent get auf'd more than once. PRODUCERS OF PROJECT RUNWAY: PLEASE KEEP VINCENT AWAY FROM MY EYEBALLS FROM NOW ON. I UNDERSTAND HE WILL HAVE TO BE AT THE REUNION SHOW BUT OTHER THAN THAT I CANNOT TAKE HAVING TO SEE HIM TALK ABOUT HOW BRILLIANT HE IS. THANK YOU.

The bottom two were Kayne and Jeffy. The judges thought Kayne's taste level was off, once again. They thought Jeffy's outfit would best be suited for a night on the town by Divine Brown. But apparently tacky is a bigger crime than trashy, because sweet Kayne was OUT and stupid Jeffy was IN. This show is really breaking my heart this season. BREAKING MY HEART.



Anonymous said...

My beloved Kayne is gone! GONE! Were it not for the afterglow of Gnarls Barkley, I would be way worse off.

Terri R.

Anonymous said...

I, for one, would be in a very forgiving mood if the producers just came out with some statement like, "We're now to the point in the show where we'd have to kick someone fairly talented out if we kept Angela and Vincent around, but they're just too freaky and good for ratings to let them go, so we're going to tell them that they are back in so that we can fill up the hour with something other than boat rides through Paris or bus rides to a dump in Jersey or the real contestants working productively at an activity that isn't really that much of a spectator sport, and we're expecting you, the audience, to keep our secret." It's like fighting Med-Fly invasions by releasing a bunch of sterilized males. THEY don't know they've been neutered. THEY will continue to do that thing they do. And in the end, what's the harm?