Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Cameron Diaz+Jack Black=Career As Human Lard Bucket

The previews for a new Christmas-y chick movie called "The Holiday" are driving me into a blind, furious rage. The premise is that two "unlucky in love" ladies, one English (Kate Winslet) and one American (Cameron Diaz) switch houses for the Christmas holidays to get away from their man troubles.

Why does this innocuous bit of fluff make me so insanely violent? Because Cameron Diaz' love interest is Jude Law, and Kate Winslet's is JACK BLACK. And why does the casting of Jack Black make me see shooting starts of red hatred? Because this means--in no uncertain terms--that now, in Hollywood math, Kate Winslet is such an enormous fat ass that she is only deserving of an actor as good looking as Jack Black (not that there's anything whatsoever wrong with Jack Black's looks in my book---but in Hollywood he is marketed and exploited as an inherently amusing lumbering wildebeast whose only appeal comes from some Horatio Saenz-style laffs at his own expense; the mere appearance of what the L.A. powers-that-be seem to see as his humongously engorged belly in wrestling tights in "Nacho Libre" was considered funny enough on its own to carry the whole movie; they never seem to realize that a)he is not fat compared with regular people, b) even if he wasn't already reasonably good-looking--which he is--he is attractive because of his humor and charm, and c) I HATE HOLLYWOOD.)

Beautiful, lovely Kate Winslet has now been reduced to cavorting with the modern-day Fatty Arbuckle. She is in grave, grave danger of falling victim to the dreaded Toni Collette Syndrome, in which an actress who is "normal-person pretty" but not "Hollywood tanorexic freakshow so-called pretty" is constantly cast as "the fat and/or unattractive female" (see "In Her Shoes" for a good example, which, naturally, stars Cameron Diaz as the thin, pretty sister; in the novel upon which the film was based, Collette's character was the size 14/16 frumpy sister). She is the go-to actress for "fat," or "normal" (pretty much the same thing in Hollywood), despite the fact that she is not, in actual fact, fat. Unlike, say Kathy Bates (or ye gods! Kathleen Turner, whose appearance on tonight's "Nip/Tuck" premiere should be used as an anti-alchohol campaign targeted at hot chicks in danger of being mistaken for female W.C. Fields impersonators), who was at least a legitimately larger person, Toni Collette is simply deemed "fat" based only on the fact that she is not Nicole Richie, and as such she can be called upon to play Dumbo's ill-fated mother in the new live-action Disney re-make. Now, Kate Winslet may indeed be prettier than Toni Collette (in the opinion of certain boys around Felt Up HQ whose initials are C.P., at least) but she is on the same slippery slope.

WARNING TO ALL ACTRESSES: DO NOT ACCEPT ANY ROLE THAT PUTS YOU OPPOSITE CAMERON DIAZ UNLESS IT IS IN "BEING JOHN MALKOVICH II." SHE IS THE KISS OF DEATH! YOU ARE AUTOMATICALLY PUSHED DOWN THE ATTRACTIVENESS FOOD CHAIN BY APPEARING NEXT TO HER! WHILE SHE MAY BE A PERFECTLY NICE PERSON, SHE IS, IN FACT, A CAREER SUCCUBUS AND SHOULD BE AVOIDED LIKE A STINGRAY OFF THE COAST OF AUSTRALIA. ALSO, IF YOU READ A SCRIPT IN WHICH YOU SEE THE WORDS "JACK BLACK-TYPE CATCHES HER EYE" THROW THE SCRIPT INTO A FIREPLACE, BURN IT TO A CRISP, AND FIRE YOUR AGENT IMMEDIATELY.



PS
Since I brought up "Nip/Tuck," can I just say that the image of Brooke Shields getting doggy-styled on a desk will be burned into my retinas for all eternity? Also, Larry Hagman had his balls replaced with "neuticals," Joely Richardson's on-show baby has Bree Walker disease (thankfully just a little case of lobster-claw syndrome, not her other, more disfiguring ailment, Collagen Lip Overdose Disease), Dr. Christian Troy tag-teamed a mom and daughter, and in upcoming episodes Official Felt Up Crush Peter Dinklage plays a male nurse to the handicapped baby and Jaqueline Bisset (!) has a recurring role, presumbably as a hot-to-trot insatiable older lady with a past. Huzzah!

5 comments:

damansai said...

"The previews for a new Christmas-y chick movie called "The Holiday" are driving me into a blind, furious rage."
. . . "previews"? plural? i just saw the trailer tonight for the first (and so far) only time during n/t. maybe you've also seen them at the theatre, that must be it.
needless to say, but saying, you're going to see them much, much more come oct. and nov.

would you rather have a chunkier, less-attractive winslet character? say, something in a ricki lake? or maybe it would appeal more if the jb character were less h.sanz and more j.hartnett? - - my impression from the commercial was that his character was much more toned down and "regular" than his other roles. and it might be you and not Hollywood that has pigeonholed black into this fat clown persona. i like the guy. he's got "IT". i wish he hadn't done "Nacho" - - never saw it b/c i very much disliked "NDynamite" but the man has to pay the bills. and, he is still finding his hollywood niche.

and don't undersell winslet. she's too good of an actress (and too fucking beautiful!) to allow diaz to ruin her career. btw, did you realize that diaz is two months older than collette?

the most appaling thing to me on seeing the preview was the claim "from the director of 'what women want' and 'something's gotta give'" OUCHIE!!

jennifer said...

All I'm saying is wouldn't it have been a pleasant surprise to have Kate Winslet hook up with Jude Law and Cameron Diaz with Jack Black (or their American/English counterparts) FOR ONCE?

TrAngela said...

I live, breath and die for Doctor Christian Troy. And, in trying to make his place look more macho, it looks even gayer.

If the gays get him, my life is over.

I heart Nip/Tuck

damansai said...

i don't get "for once"

paltrow "hooks up" with black in "shallow hal", but i'm thinking that doesn't count.

for once winslet should get a hot guy? (titanic?)
for once black should get the hot chick? (shallow hal?)
diaz should get the ugly guy? (shrek?)
law should get an ugly chick?
(hmmmmm. . .)
diaz is hot, but black gets the better end of the stick with winslet as law is stuck with diaz.

jennifer said...
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