Saturday, September 30, 2006

What the Elle?




Sorry for the lateness of The Rehash, but there has been some tumult at Felt Up HQ of late. Plus, I thought this episode was kind of laaaaaame.

The most exciting thing that happened on the whole episode was that Uli stole Michael's awesome model, Nazri. I really feared for Michael...Nazri is like his muse! Michael did not do as I would and scream "YOU NAZI BEYOTCH" at Uli, but he did look pretty shocked. He took Clarissa as his new model. Ack!

The designers were taken to Nina Garcia's office at Elle, which was a pretty goddamned nice office, let me tell you. (Oh, if only we could have seen a glimpse of her apartment! A little champagne toast Chez Nina, with Laura sniffing around to see if it was as fancy as her own luxury swankienda--probably not, if the few glimpses we've seen of her ginormous apartment, John Singer Sargent paintings, and vintage Louis Vuitton luggage set are indicative of the incredible wealth she posesses). A girl can dream, can't she? But there's no way Nina would let that ridiculous Jeffy Dahmer into her Inner Sanctum, because although she can be a touch cranky, she's not crazy.

Nina explained how important editorial features are for a designer, which of course means that Nina herself is VERY EFFING IMPORTANT, which is why Tim Gunn is always saying DON'T BORE NINA!

The challenge was to design something that shows the contestants' "vision." They were given cameras to take pictures of their models out in the mean streets of Manhattan, $250 for materials, two days, and a piece of paper on which they were to write three words which best describes what they're all about, design-wise. I immediately predicted that Jeffy's three words would be "Rock" "And" "Roll." GOD I HATE JEFFY.

The winner of the challenge would be featured in Elle's "First Look" section!

There wasn't much drama. Uli bought her usual long, flowy print, and then when she saw it on her dress form, decided it wouldn't "wow" anyone (DON'T BORE NINA!) and scrapped her original muu-muu design. Instead of a long gown she would make a minidress. I'm fairly certain her three descriptive words for herself were "St. Tropez," "Palm Beach," and "Hippie."

Uli's final design:


Michael had the most trouble with the project. He had a bad case of "designer's block" and didn't seem to have any idea what direction he should go in. He finally decided he would do a purple satin evening gown, for good or ill. His three defining words were "Sexy" "Sexy" and "Sexy." Oh, Michael! Be careful! Don't break Tim Gunn's heart--he loves you almost as much as I do!

Michal's gown:


Laura, flush from her win last week, decided to do yet another cocktail dress with a plunging neckline. This one was pale and sparkly and very Breast Bone Chic. Her three words were "Frighteningly" "Thin" "Mommy-To-Be."

Laura's Same Dress Again:


Jeffy, of course, was slamming everyone else's designs and just generally being THE BIGGEST TOOL ALIVE. GOD I HATE HIM! His big idea was to change course and show the judges that he wasn't just a hardcore rock-n-roll living god but that he also has a softer, more romantic side. EWWW! PUKE! BLEH! BARF! He made a velvet poufy Hot Topic Victorian frock that even Helena Bonham Carter wouldn't wear. His three words were "Provocative," "Irreverent," and "Douche-y." I'm paraphrasing here.

Jeffy's new Spring 2007 Haute Topique line:



Really, this episode could not have been less exciting. The guest judge was Teri Agins, the fashion writer for The Wall Street Journal. Which, you know, kudos to Teri Agins--she seemed to know her stuff, and I really liked the cute dress she was wearing, but I was kind of hoping that as we get near the end of the show the guest judges would get more famous and thrilling...and not less. I mean, last week's guest was Zac Posen! I was thinking more along the lines of an Alexander McQueen or a John Galliano or even a dear, crazy ole Valentino. (I might pee my pants if they ever managed to get a Karl Lagerfeld on there. PEE MY PANTS.) This Wall Street lady was just kind of a let-down. Sigh.

Uli won with her minidress. The judges thought this print dress was a bold departure from her previous 9,000 print dresses. It was actually pretty nice, but mainly I think she won because she had Michael's muse, Nazri, as her model! Nazri can do no wrong! She is runway gold!

They showed a lot of discussion amongst the judges about the other three designers. Laura, they thought, didn't try hard enough to be different and made a nice, safe, Laura dress. They were right. Jeffy, they thought, tried to be different but made a terrible dress. They were right. Michael, they thought, tried to be different but made a terrible dress. This one was more ambiguous for me. I thought it wasn't too bad--and was certainly way better than Jeffy's ragamuffin velvet disaster--but it wasn't Michael's best. They really played it out like Michael was going to be sent home--despite the fact that this was his very first time in the bottom two while it was Jeffy's 5,000th time. If they had kicked Michael off, I might have had to fly to New York, riot in front of Parsons, and burn Michael Kors in effigy. But luckily, he did not get auf'd...

...however, neither did stupid poseur Jeffy Dahmer, because they wittily decided to let all four be in the Final Three. So although I was glad for Michael, I was sad for me and the entire television audience, because we were totally gypped of our chance to say auf wiedersehen to SOMEONE. It was just a big let down turn-off boring crappy way to end the show.

I liked this post on the Project Runway website from one MaureeenT:
"AAAAARGH!!!! The judges WUSSED OUT! It should have been Jeffrey!!!!!! WUSSES! WUSSES!"

MaureenT, whoever you are, I applaud you. I couldn't have said it better myself.

Happily, though, the reunion show is up next! Watch in a combination of horror and excitement as Malan smiles and bares his wampyre teeth! Thrill to Keith denying that he cheated and generally being an egomaniac in total denial of reality! Drink a shot every time someone says "Tim" or "Heidi"--just like the contestants do!

I cannot wait!

PS
I just watched the heartwarming season finale of "Celebrity Fit Club 4" and had a few thoughts. First, move over Jay McCarroll, because Bonecrusher is America's new sweetheart! He is a DELIGHT. Second, Big Pussy may be a spouse abuser, but his gruff charm has softened me towards him. Third, Angie Stone really turned herself around! She went from being the whiniest, most unlikable complainer on the planet to being an inspiration for overweight singing divas everywhere through sheer hard work, determination, and spunk! Fourth, Tina Yothers lost 42 POUNDS in three months! Really remarkable. Huzzah! But boy, does she need to lose that dark hair. It's aging, Tina! SO AGING! Lastly, Carnie Wilson is annoying.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Anna Nicole Deals With Grief The Only Way She Knows How: With A Wedding, A Pink Bikini, and Unlimited Champers

You can't blink these days, or you might miss another momentous occassion in the topsy-turvy roller coaster of an existence that is Anna Nicole Smith's life. Star Magazine reports that she and her alleged baby-daddy, attorney Howard K. Stern, have been joined forever in holy, sacred matrimony:
Anna Nicole Smith married her long-time attorney and close confidante, Howard K. Stern, this morning just shortly before 10:30 am in Nassau, Bahamas. The wedding occurred only 18 days after the death of Anna's son Daniel, 20, from an accidental drug overdose in her Nassau hospital room on September 10.

In a world-exclusive report, an eyewitness tells Star that Anna, 38, and Howard, 37, tied the knot shortly before 10:30 am on the morning of September 28, while sailing on a white catamaran off of Nassau! "There was heavy security around the yacht, plus extra speedboats to deliver more supplies as needed (including unlimited Dom Perignon champagne) from the mainland to the catamaran," says the eyewitness, who adds that the wedding party celebrated the union afterwards by having a swim party around the yacht — "and Anna was wearing a pink bikini! Later on, she changed into a colorful, one-piece suit with a wrap around her waist."

I realize that we all mourn in our own way, and that sometimes a good catamaran weddding with never-ending supplies of Dom Perignon is the only way a person can truly move on. However, in some cultures, women mourn the passing of their children by wearing long, black veils and then, after a suitable, decent amount of time has elapsed, they discard the mourning shrouds and venture back into the world. In other cultures, the bereaved mother takes to her bed and is sedated, eventually enters long-term therapy, and when the time is right, seeks comfort from friends and family and the Beauty of Life. In Anna Nicole's culture, the pink bikini is swapped for a one-piece after the speed boat brings champagne, just before the celebratory swim in the ocean. To each his own!


The future bride-n-groom in more serious times...

By the way, Felt Up is contractually obligated to say a hearty mazel tov to the happy couple from the makers of TrimSpa!

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Nip/Tuck Round Up!

Last night on "Nip/Tuck" there was:

One lobster-clawed baby who was having trouble breast-feeding.

One super-hot, sensitve little person male night nurse painting a rather disturbing mural of Adam and Eve on the lobster-clawed baby's nursery walls.

One mom who felt guilty because she'd rather have the super-hot, sensitive little person male night nurse touch her breast than her lobster-clawed baby.

One near-firing of super-hot, sensitive little person male night nurse by jealous, hypocritical husband.

A scene set in a fancy, upscale lesbian bar.

A woman who wakes up to find her kidney has been stolen by an organ-theft ring.

A woman whose nipple had been torn off by her dog.

One use of "Brother Louie" by The Stories as musical exposition for inter-racial attraction, with emphasis on the lyric:
"She was black as the night
Louie was whiter than white
Danger, danger when you taste brown sugar
Louie fell in love overnight."

A prostitute smacked in the face with a heavy paperweight by her Madam, Miss Jaqueline Bisset.

An evil blackmail plot by Madam Bisset against a former prostitute.

The former star of "Little House on the Prairie" seducing her dog with peanut butter.

A dog killed in a jealous rage by an Iraq War veteran.

One married doctor contemplating a continued affair with a not-very-cute former night-nurse candidate and potential stalker while under the influence of psychosis-inducing hash brownies.

One use of Animotion's "Obsession" as musical foreboding of potential stalking by not-very-cute former night-nurse candidate, with emphasis on the lyric:
"You're my obsession,
You're my obsession,
Who do you want me to be,
To make you sleep with me?"

A line that required Larry Hagman to reference his own balls.

Another, separate blackmail, this one of the sexual variety.

A super-hot inter-racial adulterous sex scene on a desk.

A preview indicating that yet another, separate blackmail plot will unfold, also involving Madam Jaqueline Bisset.

Several thousand huzzahs from Felt Up for the greatest TV show ever!

Just When You Thought It Couldn't Get Any Weirder...

Whoa! Howard K. Stern, who has been Anna Nicole Smith's attorney and confidante for many years, is now saying that he is the father of her baby! From CNN:
An attorney representing former Playboy Playmate and reality television star Anna Nicole Smith said Tuesday he is the father of her daughter, born earlier this month in the Bahamas.

Howard K. Stern added that he plans to marry Smith.

"Anna and I have been in a relationship and we love each other, and it's been going on for a very long time, and because of my relationship as her lawyer, we felt that it was best to keep everything hidden," Howard K. Stern told CNN's "Larry King Live." (Watch Stern tell how the baby has been a "ray of hope" -- :54 external link)

Stern said he and Smith are confident he is the father, and "based on when the timing of when the baby was born, there really is no doubt in either of our minds."

Entertainment reporter and photographer Larry Birkhead also claims to be the father of the girl, named Danilynne Hope.

In a statement, Birkhead said Smith told him he is the child's father, and that he has proof.

He said he accompanied Smith to doctors' appointments until a "minor disagreement" took place while she was pregnant. He suggested a DNA test be conducted to determine the child's paternity. He also made similar comments to "Entertainment Tonight."

In response to Birkhead, Stern said, "I think, first, you have to look at what his motives are. If he honestly believed he was the father, based on when the baby was born, he should have handled it appropriately ... handle it through the proper channels, not through television and through the media."

Birkhead also has sent "a slew" of e-mails to Smith, Stern said, calling it "just completely inappropriate."

"Anna has had problems with people going to the media in the past about her, and for that reason, most people around her, including myself, have signed confidentiality clauses that we won't go to the media about her," Stern said. "I'm just very shocked at how he's handled this, under the circumstances."

Asked whether Smith and Birkhead had a relationship, Stern said, "she never considered him her boyfriend." He would not comment on whether Smith was intimate with Birkhead.

Smith, Stern said, approved his revelation that he is the baby's father. "I'm here because she wanted me to be here," he said.

He said Birkhead should have waited until Smith's 20-year-old son Daniel had been laid to rest. Daniel Smith died September 10, three days after his sister's birth, apparently while spending the night in his mother's hospital room with her, Stern and the baby, Stern said. Smith found Daniel Smith's body the following day when she woke up.

Stern said he and Smith plan to marry "at some point. Right now we have to somehow get through what we're going through."

Huh. Now, while I can totally believe that Howard K. is the father of lil' Dannilyn, I can also totally believe that he would do anything to protect Anna Nicole, whom he has obviously been madly in love with for many years. The man argued her divorce settlement all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court (and won!), for God's sake. Of course, he gets all kinds of attention (and legal fees), but it was clear to any regular viewer of E!'s "The Anna Nicole Show" that he luuuurved her...however it was NOT so clear that she loved him back--in "that way," at least. It seemed that Anna Nicole saved that for her assistant Kim. Or not. It was hard for me--and Anna Nicole--to determine what the "reality" was on that show.



Someone should take Bobby Trendy down to police headquarters, shine a bright light in his face, and scare some answers out of him...not because he might actually know something about all this drama, but because it would just be so satisfying.



"The Anna Nicole Show" was a train wreck and often extremely depressing, but sometimes I have to admit that I miss it, in a "Stockholm Syndrome" kind of way...

Hmmmmm...curiouser and curiouser. Stay tuned!

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Jeffy Dahmer Can't Sew, May Have Cheated!

Eek! From New York Magazine:
How bad at sewing is Project Runway final-four contestant Jeffrey Sebelia? A few months ago, the show’s uneliminated contestants left the supervision of the producers to go home and work on their collections. But when they returned for their group show at Bryant Park, fellow contestant Laura Bennett accused Sebelia of cheating. Three weeks earlier, Tim Gunn, Parsons fashion design chair and the show’s mentor, had visited Sebelia in L.A. and declared, “He had a lot of work to do.” Word reached Bennett, whose mother had met and become friendly with Sebelia’s mother. Upon seeing Sebelia’s miraculously finished collection, Bennett told the producers she believed Sebelia had outsourced his sewing—which would disqualify him. “His collection was very ambitious,” says Gunn. “I wasn’t born yesterday.” Adding fuel to the fire was Sebelia’s rather unfinished style of construction throughout the show. “We took the accusation very seriously, and we did a very intense and thorough investigation,” says Gunn. Bravo would not allow him to reveal the resolution. The three finalists will be revealed September 27, and the winner October 18. Sebelia didn’t return calls.

Pleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease let Jeffy be eliminated for cheating! Please! AAAAAAAAAAAH!

God I hate that guy.



Any thoughts about this possibly-magnificent development? Please put 'em in the comments box!

Friday, September 15, 2006

FREE DOG!

No, I don't have a puppy to give away, despite the misleading headline. I'm on a mission to save one of my favorite reality show stars, Dog The Bounty Hunter, who has been thrown in the slammer! The Associated Press reports:
TV reality star Duane "Dog" Chapman and two co-stars on his show were arrested Thursday in Hawaii on charges of illegal detention and conspiracy in the bounty hunters' capture three years ago of a cosmetics company heir.


Chapman, son Leland Chapman and associate Timothy Chapman were taken into custody and did not resist arrest, said Mark Hanohano, U.S. Marshal for the district of Hawaii. "It went down without incident," Hanohano said.

Mona K. Wood, a publicist for the star of the popular cable series "Dog The Bounty Hunter," said Chapman would be vindicated. "He arrests the bad guys — and he is definitely not one of them," she said.

The charges stem from Chapman's capture of Max Factor heir Andrew Luster on June 18, 2003, in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, said Marshals spokeswoman Nikki Credic in Washington.

Chapman's capture of Luster, who had fled the country while on trial on charges he raped three women, catapulted the 53-year-old bounty hunter to fame and led to the reality series on A&E.

Chapman, shackled at his ankles and wearing a blue muscle T-shirt at his first court appearance Thursday, said the government was jealous of his success in hunting down criminals.

"You see what the American government is doing to us? They throw us in jail," Chapman said in a federal courtroom. "I'm so upset about this."

The three are being held in Honolulu. Bail has not been set. They will face an extradition hearing to Mexico under terms of treaties between the U.S. and Mexico, Credic said.

Chapman's son Leland, 29, and Timothy Chapman, 41, no relation, assist Chapman in exploits chronicled for the TV show around the Hawaiian Islands. The show focuses on Chapman's family as much as the bounty hunting, which generally involves tracking down bail jumpers, often creating emotional scenes with repentant captives.

Charges have been pending against the three since local police in Mexico arrested them shortly after they roped in Luster. They posted bail but never returned to Puerto Vallarta for their court hearing on July 15, 2003, Credic said.

Mexican authorities demanded that the Chapmans transfer Luster to Mexican police. Their refusal to do so led to their initial arrest.

I don't know what is more upsetting, the fact that the feds arrested Dog for something so dumb or the fact that this article keeps saying that Tim "Youngblood" Chapman is "no relation" to Dog, when he is always presented as Dog's younger brother on the show. (Of course they called Beth Chapman--my idol!--his "wife" for several seasons, when just recently they finally had an official wedding.)

Poor Dog and Beth. First his daughter dies the day before their wedding, and now this. And after all they've done for American culture.

Contact your congressperson and demand justice!

FREE DOG! FREE YOUNGBLOOD! FREE LELAND!


Beth!

Thursday, September 14, 2006

VIPs

Forgot to mention in the last post that we saw Jake Gyllenhaal on a date with Lance Armstrong last night. Sadly, no siting of The McConaughey. The two bffs were in the VIP section at the Gnarls Barkely show; Jakey was totally sreaming his head off. Cute!

Kayne! Come Back, Kayne! Come Back!



OK, to be honest, I did not see the entire episode of "Project Runway," as I was basking in the afterglow of seeing a free Gnarls Barkely show here in Austin. (Totally rad, people! Rad!) However, I did catch the second half of the repeat, and boy, was I confused. In the interest of full disclosuure, your Humble Felt Up blogette had had a few drinkies of an adult nature at said awesome concert, and so when she saw that Vincent and Angela were in the workroom making clothing, it was as if some time-space contiuum had been warped and your humble blogette had been pushed through Alice's looking glass into Bizzarro World where white is black, right is wrong, and Angela is still making granny circles for a giant ruched, ruffled wampyre collar for a drakul. Either that or it was a rerun.

But eventually my scotch-soaked brain figured out that Vincent and Angela had been asked to come back because they had each, improbably, won a previous challenge, and so were given a second chance--the twist was that three designers instead of one would be eliminated. I had a pretty good idea who two of them would be, especially since the only way Angela or Vincent could stay in was to win the challenge.

It also became clear that the challenge was to make a cocktail dress using both black and white material, and the contestants were supposed to use up all the fabric and not have anything left over. The sucky thing was that I missed the party at the beginning that was hyped up in the previews so much and gave the impression that Laura had some kind of breakdown. Can someone fill me in on the details before I go mad? Or was it another case of misleading Bravo promos that over-dramatize a not-so-sensational situation?

Clearly, Vincent lost none of his crazed bravado simply by being booted off the show once. I don't know who has more of an egomania problem, Vincent or Jeffy Dahmer, but they both are soooooo ungracious and smug that I want to smack them with a dead fish about the face and head. GOD I HATE THEM BOTH!

Vincent's oufit actually doesn't look half bad, for Vincent, but he was dealt a crappy hand when he finds out the day of the fitting that his model was hit by a bus and won't be able to walk the runway. (I had heard a rumor about this situation earlier in the season and the story I got was that the first thing his model said after waking up in the hospital was "Am I still on 'Project Runway?' She made a full recovery, by the way. From the accident I mean. I'm not sure she'll ever recover her dignity after wearing Vincent's hideous designs down the catwalk.) They didn't make a very big deal about it on the show, but as much as I loathe Vincent, I thought the judges should have cut him a bit of slack for having to fit a larger sized model on the day of the runway show. The zipper broke and he was sewing her into the dress as she was getting her L'Oreal Paris make-up put on. On the other hand, GOD I HATE VINCENT SO WHO CARES.

The guest judge was Zac Posen. Oh. My. God!

Laura showed a lace minidress with a scoopy-neck and little sleeves. I didn't hate it, but I also did not agree with the judges (or Tim Gunn) that it looked much younger and fresher than her other designs. I thought the lace and sparkles looked kind of old ladyish. But it wasn't terible. Tim's Take:
She used black lace over white fabric to create a baby doll dress with a square neckline. She embellished the look with a sprinkling of crystals and black feathers on the skirt. She described it as being “very Josephine Baker,” and it was, indeed. It was young, it was modern, and it was sophisticated.

I don't know if it was so much "Josephine Baker" as it was "Liza Minelli in the Go-Go '80s After Three Days Rehearsing With Frank Sinatra and Sammy Davis, Jr." Not that that's a bad thing, at all.



Kayne sent out a black dress that looked nice from the front, but apparently didn't use enough white fabric for the judges' liking. Also, they thought it was tacky to use a spider web lace thingy in the back. Poor Kayne. Here's what Tim had to say:
How did Kayne not understand the critical importance of using black AND white fabrics? I was mystified. He bought a white trim that was about three-quarters-of-an-inch wide and that was it. So, he designed an all-black dress that was truly beautiful from the front -- great silhouette and proportions -- but a hot mess in the back. He incorporated the white trim into the back of the dress by weaving it through a minimalist spider web -- ugh. Had Kayne been one of my Parsons students, I would have disqualified his design prior to the Runway show.




Michael, of course, did a fabulous job. I reallly liked that he went against the grain and did a white cocktail dress instead of black, and then did a wide, sparkly belt. His model's hair, jewelry, accessories all looked great. The judges loved, loved, loved it, and so did Tim:
Michael’s off the shoulder, matte jersey dress with a black, patent leather waistband with matching handbag was a total knockout. (The handbag contained his scraps of fabric.) The proportions created by the way in which the cummerbund-like waistband divided the dress were sublime. For me, Michael’s look was a strong contender for the win, again!

I know I always say this, but I liked Michael's the best and thought it should have won. Some of the commenters on the Bravo site said that up close the dress looked a little cheaply-made, but none of the judges said anything about that. (And the majority of commenters loved Michael's dress best.) I liked it waaaay more than Laura's.



Oh, God. Jeffy. How I loathe this person. I hate even mentioning his monstrosity of an outfit. Michael Kors said it best: "It's Gwen Stefani again and again and again." Have I ever mentioned how much I hate Gwen Stefani? Anyway, Jeffy did this totally trashy mini-dress with some truly God-awful shiny leggings that, yes, I will say it again, ARE AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE AT ANY HOT TOPIC STORE IN AMERICA. He should forget about working for Macy's and just go straight to Hot Topic and take over their Morbid line. It's all he can do! AAACK! GOD I HATE JEFFY! Here are Tim's thoughts:
Jeffrey’s design eluded me, as did his fabric choices. He selected black and white prints that looked oddly anemic; that is, washed out and lackluster. What happened to the dramatic thinking that he just demonstrated in the couture challenge and for which he won? His mini-dress said sporty rather that cocktail, and the sloppy leggings didn’t fit either case.

I have to disagree with Mr. Gunn. Jeffy's mini-drss and leggings didn't say "sporty rather than cocktail," they said "too trashy for a Hollywood hooker." I bet even those whore-y Pussycat Dolls wouldn't be caught dead in something this bad--and those girls will wear any ole hoochie thing.



Vincent's outfit wasn't too bad---for Vincent. Not too kooky, pretty tasteful, except that his skirt was kind of short. Was it because his new model was too tall, or is Vincent just a nutty nutball with no taste? Hard to say. Tim's take:
Vincent bought too much fabric and claimed that it was MOOD’s fault. Really? I have to say that I responded well to his black top with cummerbund pleating. It had a beautiful silhouette, the proportions of the pleats were great, and it set the appropriate tone for a cocktail party. But what was with that skirt? It was entirely too short, and this factor threw off the proportional relationship to the top. And, worse still, was the stole. It was simply a way of using up his excess yardage. It looked awkward and arbitrary. Egads.

Oh, how I love Tim and his "egads." Right on the money, too.



Angela's ashes were not up to the task at hand, and everyone but Angela knew it. She made a terrible satin sack with the afore-mentioned wampyre collar stuck on top. It was just a total mess. Heidi made her open the purse that she used as an accessory (she didn't make the purse) and all her extra fabric was stuffed inside it. Angela looked like a deer caught in the headlights right about then. Of her outfit, Tim says:
Her design was pure Angela. You have to hand it to her: she has a point of view. Her black dress was a Jubilee Jumbles extravaganza of ruffles, ruching, and granny circles, god-bless-her. And if that weren’t enough, a black leather shrug cum bolero was lined in pin-tucked, off-white charmeuse. She called the top “Edwardian.” I thought it looked more like something you’d wear for a dislocated shoulder.

Ouch! I love that Tim will use every opportunity he has to mention Jubilee Jumbles. Poor Angela's tombstone will read: "Here Lies Angela Keslar, Maker of Granny Circles, Creator of Jubilee Jumbles, Terrible Designer."



Uli did her usual fluttery hippie print, this time in mini-dress form. She also did these sort of detached sleeves that were kind of kooky, and used her extra fabric to make a giant rope necklace. The judges weren't too excited to see that she trotted out the pony that is her one trick, again. St. Tropez, Miami Beach, blah blah blah. I didn't hate her dress, but I saw their point about her needing to branch out a bit more. (I thought it was funny that Michael Kors did an impersonation of Uli's German accent right in front of Heidi, who looked a little underwhelmed.)



In the end, after much discussion amongst the judges about how much they loved Michael and Laura's design, Laura was declared the winner. As I said, I missed all the Laura-related drama at the beginning of the show, but she seemed to really need this win to pick up her spirits and get her confidence back, so that's nice. Sweet, gracious Michael called out a heart-felt "Congratulations!" to her as she exited the runway. Oh, Michael. How I lurve you!

Michael was IN. He'd better been, or someone whose name rhymes with Pennifer would have (drunkenly) rioted in the streets last night. Uli was IN.

To no one's surprise, except maybe Vincent's, Vincent and Angela did not win the challenge, so they were OUT. Again. It was kind of satisfying to see Vincent get auf'd more than once. PRODUCERS OF PROJECT RUNWAY: PLEASE KEEP VINCENT AWAY FROM MY EYEBALLS FROM NOW ON. I UNDERSTAND HE WILL HAVE TO BE AT THE REUNION SHOW BUT OTHER THAN THAT I CANNOT TAKE HAVING TO SEE HIM TALK ABOUT HOW BRILLIANT HE IS. THANK YOU.

The bottom two were Kayne and Jeffy. The judges thought Kayne's taste level was off, once again. They thought Jeffy's outfit would best be suited for a night on the town by Divine Brown. But apparently tacky is a bigger crime than trashy, because sweet Kayne was OUT and stupid Jeffy was IN. This show is really breaking my heart this season. BREAKING MY HEART.

GOD I HATE JEFFY.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

The Holy, Sacred Miracle of a Scheduled C-Section!

Yee-haw, ya'll! Break out the moonshine and commence to celebratin', 'cause Britney Spears and K-Fed have brought another accident-prone hillbilly young'un into the world! According to their official representives at the National Enquirer:
Pop princess Britney Spears gave birth to a 6 pound, 11 ounce baby boy just before 2 a.m., September 12th at a Los Angeles hospital, insiders told The ENQUIRER in an exclusive.

"Kevin took Britney to the hospital in the evening hours of Sept. 11 to prepare for the Cesarean birth," an insider said. Only her mother Lynn, and her sister Jamie Lynn were present at the birth. None of Kevin's family was there.

Right after the baby was born, Kevin got the word out to his family and close friends.

Britney wanted to have her second child on September 14, the first birthday of Sean Preston but Kevin put his foot down, the source said. He didn't want the kids to have the same birthday.

No word yet on whether Ms. Spears decided to go for a "Mend It Like Beckham"-style birth, but she better do something to get that baby weight off and quick-like, 'cause she's got four mouths to feed now, and that's not even counting Mom, Dad, Sis, and all them Spears cousins. Hop to it, lady! And try not to get knocked up again before the week is out...

Any baby name suggestions for Brit? Leave 'em in the comments box. Here's some to get you started: Jerkevesty, Britnin, Lee Harvey, Kevit, or perhaps Cletus, Jr.



Baby Federline's first picture!

Monday, September 11, 2006

The Unbelievable Drama Known As Anna Nicole Smith

Wow. Poor Anna Nicole! Just a few days after giving birth to a baby girl, her son Daniel died in her hospital room. According to CNN:
The 20-year-old son of Anna Nicole Smith has been found dead in the Bahamas, where the former reality TV star and Playboy playmate gave birth to a baby girl days earlier.

Authorities had not determined what caused the death of Daniel Smith, whose body was found Sunday morning, said Robin Bonnema, a spokeswoman for Trimspa, the diet products company that has been endorsed by Smith. Bonnema had no other details, and calls to Smith's lawyer, Howard K. Stern of Santa Monica, California, were not immediately returned.

A statement on Smith's Web site said the son died suddenly.

"We have yet to learn the cause of death but do not believe that drugs or alcohol were a factor," the statement said. "Anna Nicole is absolutely devastated by the loss of her son. He was her pride and joy and an amazing human being."

Walter Evans
, a spokesman for the Royal Bahamian Police Force, would say only that the son of an undisclosed celebrity had been found in a room of the private Doctor's Hospital in Nassau.

Anna Nicole Smith, 38, gave birth to a healthy 6 pound, 9 ounce girl at the hospital on Thursday, her Web site said.

Her son had traveled to the Caribbean country "to share in the joy of his baby sister," the statement said. "Please do not make any press inquiries at this time so that Anna Nicole can grieve in peace."

Smith married Texas oil tycoon J. Howard Marshall II in 1994, when she was 26 and he was 89. He died the following year. Since then, she has feuded with Marshall's son, Pierce Marshall, over her entitlement to the tycoon's estate.

Bonnema said she did not know the name of Daniel Smith's father or that of the baby girl.


How do I know that Daniel died in his mother's hospital room? Because Star Magazine said so:
In a shocking development, Star has exclusively learned from sources that Daniel passed away in Anna's hospital room.

Anna Nicole's whole life is like a Mexican soap opera, an Italian opera, and a 1980s Aaron Spelling-produced mini-series rolled into one. It's all kind of unbelievable that so many ups and downs could be crammed into one relatively short life time--she's only 38 years old!

I wonder what happened to her son? He was always the subject of concern during Anna Nicole's darkest hour, her pre-Trimspa reality show days on E! He seemed like a tragedy in the making--embarrassed by his mom as she chomped on fried chicken and sparred with Bobby Trendy over pink maribou frou-frou puffs for her boudoir while zonked out of her mind on God only knows what kind of pills--and now that tragedy has come to pass. This story will surely have many, many more developing facets, so stay tuned...

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Photos To Make Life Worth Living

Here's a lil' somethin' somethin' to get you through the weekend, and, perhaps, the rest of your natural life, courtesy of TMZ.com:





Let us now give thanks for the bounty that we have received on this day.

Amen.

Mystery Solved?

The Felt Up "Project Runway" Rehash will be a teensy bit late this week, as your humble blogette is a busy bee today. But she is not so remiss in her duties that she could ignore this awesome rumor that Janet Charlton ran today on her website:
Ok, we weren't going to bother spreading this story, but whenever we tell it to anyone they encourage us to do so. So here we go. Keep in mind this is a RUMOR, but it explains a lot. The story goes that when Katie Holmes split with her exboyfriend Chris Klein in March 2005, she may or may not have realized she was pregnant with his baby. She started dating Tom in April, 2005, and according to this tale, when Tom found out she was expecting, he not only didn't MIND , but he insisted on taking credit for the pregnancy. They abruptly got engaged in June 2005. Since the baby was scheduled to be born too soon into their relationship, Tom and Katie faked the birth date. She actually gave birth months EARLIER than the announced birth. She wore padding for the last few months after the REAL birth, and made sure she was photographed. In case you don't remember, Suri's announced April 18 birth was oddly undocumented - there were no hospital records or specifics. Where WAS Suri born? Tom and Katie didn't want their baby photographed because it would be apparent that Suri wasn't newborn. After a few months it's not so easy to recognize a baby's exact age. Have you noticed that Suri has uniquely slanted eyes like Chris Klein?

Now, in the past, Felt Up has playfully--and with the utmost dignity--questioned whether or not lil' baby Suri was possibly an alien or a figment of Tom and Katie's imagination or born from a petrie dish using L. Ron Hubbard's frozen sperm or perhaps even Superman's younger sister, Kal-Ellie, but really, this story makes the most sense of anything else that has been floated around.

I can totally see Tom Cruise wanting to pretend to be the baby's dad, so that a) he can prove he's not gay and b) he can prove he's not gay. Also, I always wondered why he and Nicole Kidman adopted two kids when they were married, if Nicole is now (rumored) to be pregnant and Tom was able to have a baby. SOMEONE IN THAT MARRIAGE COULDN'T HAVE CHILDREN AND I THINK HIS INITIALS ARE T.C. This story also kind of makes the whole couch-jumping craziness make a tiny bit more sense--he was rushing the whole thing forward in the misguided attempt to make the baby's imminent arrival more palatable to the public. Nice job on that one, Tom. Well-played, sir!

If you look back on the whole debacle, this explanation just works. Chris Klein, get your pea brain to a DNA lab, and pronto, unless of course you already signed some secret deal to sell your baby to Tom Cruise. (I have to say that I would rather be fake-engaged to Tom Cruise in all his Scientologist nuttery for the rest of my life than spend one second with that jerkwad Chris Klein, who is the type of guy who weighs his girlfriend to make sure she' not getting fat.)





(Incidentally, I got the Suri Cruise pix from China Daily's article, "Where Did Suri Cruise Get her 'Asian' Eyes?" You know your child looks Asian when even the Chinese are confused about her ethnicity.)

I Hope They Disinfected The Cell After She Got Out

Tra-la-la! After repeatedly being obviously drunk in public and driving away in full view of cops, or getting pulled over by the LAPD and getting let off the hook with an air kiss and a shouted "We love the police!" Paris"P. Hole"Hilton has finally been arrested and charged with DUI. CNN reports:
Celebrity Paris Hilton was arrested and charged with driving under the influence early Thursday after driving erratically and failing a field sobriety test, police said.

Shortly after midnight, officers assigned to a driving-under-the-influence task force spotted Hilton driving erratically in Hollywood and pulled her over.

"She exhibited the symptoms of intoxication," Los Angeles Police Department spokesman Irv Isabella said. (Watch Paris Hilton after arrest -- 1:14)

Hilton, 25, star of TV's "The Simple Life," was asked to perform a field sobriety test, which she failed, and was arrested and charged with DUI, a misdemeanor.

Isabella could not confirm whether Hilton was handcuffed, but he said it is standard procedure to handcuff people arrested on DUI charges.

Hilton was released from police custody and is scheduled to appear in court at a later date.

"We have faith she will appear in court," Isabella said.

Elliot Mintz, Hilton's publicist, stressed that Hilton was not intoxicated. He said she had "had one drink" and hadn't eaten all day. He added that she had been up late working on a music video, in the second day of shooting.

Mintz said police gave Hilton a Breathalyzer test, and it showed "the very absolute lowest reading you can possibly get to warrant being taken in."

He said the officers did what they had to do in the situation, following the same procedure for Hilton that they follow for anyone arrested.

Mintz said it was "determined she is obviously not a flight risk and she is not inebriated and I was allowed to drive her home" after she was released "on her own recognizance."

Mintz said sister Nicky Hilton and Nicky's boyfriend, actor Kevin Connolly of TV's "Entourage," picked Paris up at the police station in Hollywood, according to The Associated Press.

"Of course these matters are never to be taken lightly," said Mintz, who noted that it is "unfortunate she was behind the wheel of a car even with one drink."

"It's her first offense and hopefully it will never happen again."

Tee-hee-hee! What a shock that the only substance to pass her lips (although no mention of what might have gone up her nose) all day long was alcohol. Food is so not hot. I love that the very first person she called was not her lawyer or her parents, but her publicist.

TMZ.com says that Kimberly "Jennifer Aniston Is Ugly" Stewart was her passenger, but there is no word on whether the cops left Stewart in the gutter, which is her natural habitat, or tagged her and released her back into the wild.

TMZ.com also mentions that P. Hole is 5'9" and 110 pounds. Fat ass. Good thing she's on a liquid diet. Ba dum dum! Thank you! I'm here all week. Try the veal! Etc, etc...

Note that even though she has an album out, CNN did not refer to her as a singer but merely as a "celebrity." Huzzah!

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

It's Time Once Again For...


Haven't done a blind item in a while, so here goes. From Janet Charlton's Hollywood:
Recently the LAPD conducted yet another dramatic sweep of public restrooms on the west side where gays congregate. Were THEY surprised when their raid nabbed a very famous actor in the wrong place at the wrong time! Some cops were dumbfounded because many of them are fans of this seemingly sraight-arrow guy and he has always supported police work. The cops were almost as embarrassed as HE was. The actor's PR people worked their magic with the police department and the incident was forgotten - until NEXT time.

Well, once again, this could be every single actor in Hollywood, since it seems like they are all gay and "straight-arrow," but I'm going to go with the actor whose name rhymes with Pawn Crabolta. There's just something in the air about him lately that makes it seem like he's one tiny step from coming out of the closet. But what do I know? I'm a mere simple, humble blogette, after all.

Got any better ideas? Funnier rhyming names? Stick 'em in the comments box, por favor!

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Cameron Diaz+Jack Black=Career As Human Lard Bucket

The previews for a new Christmas-y chick movie called "The Holiday" are driving me into a blind, furious rage. The premise is that two "unlucky in love" ladies, one English (Kate Winslet) and one American (Cameron Diaz) switch houses for the Christmas holidays to get away from their man troubles.

Why does this innocuous bit of fluff make me so insanely violent? Because Cameron Diaz' love interest is Jude Law, and Kate Winslet's is JACK BLACK. And why does the casting of Jack Black make me see shooting starts of red hatred? Because this means--in no uncertain terms--that now, in Hollywood math, Kate Winslet is such an enormous fat ass that she is only deserving of an actor as good looking as Jack Black (not that there's anything whatsoever wrong with Jack Black's looks in my book---but in Hollywood he is marketed and exploited as an inherently amusing lumbering wildebeast whose only appeal comes from some Horatio Saenz-style laffs at his own expense; the mere appearance of what the L.A. powers-that-be seem to see as his humongously engorged belly in wrestling tights in "Nacho Libre" was considered funny enough on its own to carry the whole movie; they never seem to realize that a)he is not fat compared with regular people, b) even if he wasn't already reasonably good-looking--which he is--he is attractive because of his humor and charm, and c) I HATE HOLLYWOOD.)

Beautiful, lovely Kate Winslet has now been reduced to cavorting with the modern-day Fatty Arbuckle. She is in grave, grave danger of falling victim to the dreaded Toni Collette Syndrome, in which an actress who is "normal-person pretty" but not "Hollywood tanorexic freakshow so-called pretty" is constantly cast as "the fat and/or unattractive female" (see "In Her Shoes" for a good example, which, naturally, stars Cameron Diaz as the thin, pretty sister; in the novel upon which the film was based, Collette's character was the size 14/16 frumpy sister). She is the go-to actress for "fat," or "normal" (pretty much the same thing in Hollywood), despite the fact that she is not, in actual fact, fat. Unlike, say Kathy Bates (or ye gods! Kathleen Turner, whose appearance on tonight's "Nip/Tuck" premiere should be used as an anti-alchohol campaign targeted at hot chicks in danger of being mistaken for female W.C. Fields impersonators), who was at least a legitimately larger person, Toni Collette is simply deemed "fat" based only on the fact that she is not Nicole Richie, and as such she can be called upon to play Dumbo's ill-fated mother in the new live-action Disney re-make. Now, Kate Winslet may indeed be prettier than Toni Collette (in the opinion of certain boys around Felt Up HQ whose initials are C.P., at least) but she is on the same slippery slope.

WARNING TO ALL ACTRESSES: DO NOT ACCEPT ANY ROLE THAT PUTS YOU OPPOSITE CAMERON DIAZ UNLESS IT IS IN "BEING JOHN MALKOVICH II." SHE IS THE KISS OF DEATH! YOU ARE AUTOMATICALLY PUSHED DOWN THE ATTRACTIVENESS FOOD CHAIN BY APPEARING NEXT TO HER! WHILE SHE MAY BE A PERFECTLY NICE PERSON, SHE IS, IN FACT, A CAREER SUCCUBUS AND SHOULD BE AVOIDED LIKE A STINGRAY OFF THE COAST OF AUSTRALIA. ALSO, IF YOU READ A SCRIPT IN WHICH YOU SEE THE WORDS "JACK BLACK-TYPE CATCHES HER EYE" THROW THE SCRIPT INTO A FIREPLACE, BURN IT TO A CRISP, AND FIRE YOUR AGENT IMMEDIATELY.



PS
Since I brought up "Nip/Tuck," can I just say that the image of Brooke Shields getting doggy-styled on a desk will be burned into my retinas for all eternity? Also, Larry Hagman had his balls replaced with "neuticals," Joely Richardson's on-show baby has Bree Walker disease (thankfully just a little case of lobster-claw syndrome, not her other, more disfiguring ailment, Collagen Lip Overdose Disease), Dr. Christian Troy tag-teamed a mom and daughter, and in upcoming episodes Official Felt Up Crush Peter Dinklage plays a male nurse to the handicapped baby and Jaqueline Bisset (!) has a recurring role, presumbably as a hot-to-trot insatiable older lady with a past. Huzzah!

Suri Cruise: A Very Cute, Very Furry Alien



I know that kooky ole Nicolas Cage and his Asian child bride already chose Superman's Krypton name of Kal-El for their baby, but this "child" is a total dead ringer for Superbaby!

Wait a minute. Hold the effing phone...Your humble Felt Up blogette just had a lightbulb go off over her head. What if Superman brought Scientology, L. Ron Hubbard's frozen brain, and his baby sister's DNA with him from Krypton? DNA that could only be turkey-basted into The Chosen One's brainwashed fiancee's lady parts in the year 2006? Is that what The Cruise learned when he finally reached Super-Secret Top Level 8,000 at the Scientology Celebrity Centre a few years ago? Is the Celebrity Centre just the L.A. outpost of The Fortress of Solititude? Is "Suri Cruise" the "Clark Kent" undercover identity for one Kal-Ellie?

Probably not. But consider my mind officially blown.

Liza's A Cabaret, Ole Chum. Come To The Cabaret!

Just when a humble blogette is afraid that her ennui will never lift, that there will never be any delightfully outrageous celeb shenanigans to feed the voracious gossip monkey on her back, WENN provides this little nugget about Felt Up fave rave Liza Minelli and her long, drawn-out, suprememly fascinating divorce from her hideously self-mutilated ex, David Gest:
The nasty divorce battle between Liza Minnelli and David Gest has become even worse, with Minnelli accusing her estranged husband of trying to poison her and Gest charging that she hid the fact that she had a sexually transmitted disease.

According to papers filed in a Manhattan, New York Supreme Court, Minnelli claims she was "living in fear" while she and the music producer were married, because she was scared he was "trying to poison her with drugs".

Meanwhile, Gest claims the Oscar-winner hid her sexually transmitted disease, herpes simplex, from him until well after they were married. A source close to Gest tells the New York Post, "David was devastated when he found (this) out a year after they had been together and six months after they were married."

In the court filing, Gest's lawyers demands to know when and how Minnelli got infected and plan to make her medical condition an issue in their long-running divorce case where each is accusing the other of being "cruel and inhuman".

The estranged couple have been locked in a court clash since splitting in July 2003.

Seriously, could this be any better? All of this wonder and spectacle and fabulosity on top of a story that already included security guards who filed sexual harrassment suits against Liza, the original wedding party (with a zombiefied Michael Jackson as best man and freak-a-deaky Elizabeth Taylor as matron of honor), Gest forcing Liza to diet, Gest's claims that he was beaten up by Liza, Liza's claims that Gest tried to kill her, Liza concussing herself by falling out of bed, drunk? With the addition of herpes and spousal poisoning, this is now, quite simply, the best gossip story ever. There, I said it. Yes, even better than Kirstie Alley's assistant having to breastfeed her pet possum. Yes, even better than the Great Mariah Carey Meltdown of 2001. It's better than anything that has ever occurred in the history of mankind, including the birth of Jesus Christ.

No matter what happens, this is The Big One. I don't care if some day we find out that Shiloh Jolie Pitt was switched with Suri Cruise by a Scientologist baby snatching ring. I don't care if I wake up tomorrow and discover that Jennifer Aniston is pregnant with the late crocodile hunter Steve Irwin's lovechild. I don't care if, some time in the near future, Jessica Simpson gains fifty pounds, loses every hair on her head, and finally succombs to her demons and murders her sister Ashlee Simpson in a jealous rage over their father's love. LIZA'S DIVORCE IS THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD AND WILL SURELY ONLY GET BETTER WITH EACH PASSING DAY.

God bless you Liza Minelli. You are the light and joy of my life.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

It Would Be Idiocy Not To See "Idiocracy"

Boyfriend of Felt Up Chepo P. and I went to see Mike Judge's new movie "Idiocracy" last night. I had absolutely no expectations about it, since I didn't even know there was a new Mike Judge movie out, and Chepo P. explained that the studio that financed it had shelved it for a while and then not allowed any press screenings, which is always a sign that a studio has a big turd muffin on its hands, so we went into this thing kind of on edge that we might be in for the longest hour and a half of our lives.

Happily, we were instead treated to an hysterically funny movie and laughed our asses off the entire time. Whew! The premise of the movie is that (a pre-puffy) Luke Wilson, "the most average man in the U.S. Army" and Maya Rudolph, a prostitute, are involved in a military experiment in prolongued hibernation that is supposed to last one year, but due to various mix-ups, ends up keeping them in suspended animation for 1,000 years. In the mean time, humanity has gotten dumber and dumber, because the smartest members of the population have reproduced much less rapidly than the least smart. There is a visual depiction of the Descent of Man's IQ using the morphing of the Fuddruckers corporate logo from "Fuddrucker's" to "RuckFuddder's" and finally to "ButtFuckers!". When Luke Wilson wakes up, he eventually discovers that his formally-average IQ is now the highest in the world, and hilarity ensues. REALLY! HILARITY. I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants about 10 times. (OK, in the interest of full disclosure, I probably did actually pee my pants at least a little tiny bit, like, you know, uh, maybe once. OK...maybe twice.)

I couldn't believe how much they were able to use actual corporate names--Starbucks and Costco and Carl's Jr., etc.--and to such good effect.

My main complaint is that Maya Rudolph is kind of bland in her role as the hooker--maybe her part was cut down or something, she doesn't get a lot to do. And apparently in the future there are no Asians--maybe this was part of the decline of the IQ of the species in Judge's mind? Hard to say. Also, I found the whole concept so very, very close to our current reality as to be somewhat depressing if you thought about it too hard. But I try not to do that very often (or else I'd risk having to collapse into the fetal position after every presidential press conference). So, overall, a totally laugh-out-loud funny movie. (At least to your humble Felt Up blogette. Don't get mad at me if you hate this movie, though, people, because a) humor is a very subjective thing and b) I AM NOT A MOVIE CRITIC BUT A SIMPLE, HUMBLE, UNPAID BLOGGER.)

Also in its favor--at least from my point of view as an Austinite--is that the whole thing seems to have been shot in Austin; the Austin Convention Center is used as a government building, and it looked to me like they used the new Mueller Airport movie soundstages for a lot of the futuristic sets.

Look for a great cameo by the Handsomest Wilson Brother, Andrew, as a gladiator named Beef Supreme, and also appearances by some of the "Office Space" cast, like Stephen "Milton" Root as a judge, David "Michael Bolton" Herman as a member of the president's cabinet, and Greg "The Give Her My 'O' Face Dude" Pitts as a random guy who helps show that crops are growing towards the end of the movie (his hair is long and his face is puffier so that he is almost unrecognizable.) Also cameos by Thomas Haden Church, a pre-anorexic Sara Rue, and the hipster guy from those "I'm A Mac" commercials, Justin Long.

FYI: There's a little extra bit o' funny at the very end of the credits.

I don't know why Hollywood can't seem to "handle" Mike Judge's live-action movies--I remember wondering why "Office Space" was not pushed harder back when it was released--but just like "Office Space," I predict that "Idiocracy" will eventually find a rabid cult following on DVD and/or on the interweb.

Felt Up gives big HUZZAHS for "Idiocracy"! Huzzah! Huzzah!



Luke Wilson as Private Bower, AKA "Not Sure" and Terry Crews as President Camacho in the presidential motorcade in "Idiocracy."

Huzzah!