Tuesday, August 15, 2006

The Soul Of A Moth, The Brain Of A Dead Trout, and The Tongue of a Semi-Alive Andy Dick

There are some pretty good D-list, minor-league non-news stories today, so let's hit it!

First up, the lead story from the NY Post's Page Six:
KOOKY comedian Andy Dick went bonkers at the Comedy Central roast of William Shatner on Sunday night - licking the faces of Farrah Fawcett, Carrie Fisher and Patton Oswalt before biting Post reporter Mandy Stadtmiller on the hand during a bizarre backstage meltdown.

Dick's face-licking frenzy began after Oswalt made a crack about the scraggly star's rollerskate-licking turn in Jessica Simpson's video, "A Public Affair." Dick retaliated by unleashing his tongue on Oswalt's face before turning it on Fawcett, Fisher and "Star Trek" actress Nichelle Nichols during the taping at the Radford CBS Studio in Studio City, Calif.

Backstage at the after-party, a drunken Dick groped an appalled Stadtmiller, tried to kiss her, proclaimed his love for her and finally bit her hand.

"Baby please," Dick repeated six times. "Put in something nice," he said after urinating in front of the horrified journalist in his dressing room and offering her cocaine.

"They're so mean," he ranted. "I'm not weird. Maybe I'm a little weird, they make me out to be a monster, I'm not a monster . . . I just want to have fun, baby please."

Dick, who performed his roast routine dressed in full Trekkie regalia, said that he downed two vodka cranberries to give him the courage to talk to fellow roaster Fawcett - of whom he said, "I'm going to [bleep] the [bleep] out of. Put that in Page 6, 7 and 8, that's how big my [bleep] is."

Explaining to Stadtmiller why he urinated in front of her, Dick said, "You know why I don't close the door? Because then people think I'm doing drugs, and I want you to know I'm just normal."

And why did Dick go on his licking spree? "I was doing it because I was desperately trying to tie the show together like a fisherman with tuna, and you're a little piece of fresh tuna," Dick told Stadtmiller. "But thanks for asking. Do you want me to lick your face now?"

No, Stadtmiller said - "but he can pay for that tetanus shot," she told us. Dick's camp had no comment.

Well, it seems to me like your average, everyday, run-of-the-mill encounter with Andy Dick, so I'm not sure why it's such urgent, top-story non-news, but I do love that he licked Farrah Fawcett's face. Speaking of which, D-Listed has some pictures of Farrah from that night, and boy has she had some major construction on her face and bod! Her face--while being tighter than than the security around Suri Cruise's caged spacepod--actually looks better than it has in years past, when she looked like she was getting facelifts from backalley amateur plastic surgeons with the DT's in a darkened basement in Cambodia. Yes, her face is improved, as long as she doesn't mind not looking at all like herself and looking more and more like Jane Fonda. But her boobs! They are totally off-kilter: one points one way and the other points another and they will hypnotize you if you're not careful, like that spinning wheel that John Waters used to "cure" Penny Pingleton of loving black boys in "Hair Spray." I did manage to find the least-flattering face shot, however. I know my readers have needs:

Here's a more flattering face photo, but beware the spinning, hypnotic boobs! BEEEEWAAAARE!

Who would ever thought you'd have trouble telling Farrah Fawcett and Jane Fonda apart?

Moving on, we have some news on
The Ickiest Relationship Of The Year, the one between 59-year-old nutty nutball James Woods and the skanky 20-year-old daughter of his golfing buddy. According to the NY Daily News' Gatecrasher column:
Memo to Hollywood powerbrokers: The trouble with having 20-year-old girlfriends is, like, they're 20.

Youthful Ashley Madison made the gossip pages in June when she parlayed her relationship with James Woods, 59, into a role on "Entourage."

But the romance spectacularly soured when Madison showed up at Woods' brother Michael's July 31 funeral "in a 3-inch miniskirt and chain-smoking."

"At the funeral she was concerned about the amount of magazines she was in," says Woods' pal Scott Sandler. "Jimmy was on his knees with tears staining his shirt, and she was showing pictures of herself."

The actor has known Madison, the pal of a golfing buddy, since she was 5. "She's the anti-Christ," says Sandler. "She truly has the soul of a moth and the brain of a dead trout."

Woods stars this fall in the new CBS legal drama "Shark," directed by Spike Lee. But he decided to end his May-December fling after stress sent him to the ER.

"Jimmy was so overcome by grief his blood pressure went through the roof early last week, and he had to go to the hospital," said Sandler. "When he came out, it was like he had seen the light."

Why do I get the feeling that when James Woods' grieving period is over, he is going to remember that sweet, sweet bird of youth, rush back into the be-miniskirted-loins of recent 5-year-old child Madison, and kick the crap out of his friend Scott Sandler for talking trash about his special girl?

And finally, Gatecrasher also had a wee blind item of interest:
Which fashionable reality-show contestant recently made it with that closeted actor who has very specific oral specifications about his hookups?

Could it be a reference to "Project Runway"? Wheeeeeeeeeeeee! Any guesses or funny rhyming names should be left in the comments box. Make it work!


Anonymous said...

A "3-inch miniskirt"?

I believe that's called "a belt."

~ Spare E

Shannon said...

OMG, in that second photo of La Farrah, she totally looks like the lost twin sister of Camilla Parker-Bowles!