Friday, August 11, 2006

Pet Bites Hand That Never Remembers To Feed It

Well, it's Friday, so of course it's Exotic Animal Bites Paris "P-Hole" Hilton Day." From the NY Post:
BABY Love - the adorable little kinkajou that Paris Hilton adopted last year - attacked the hotel heiress early Tuesday and bit her on the arm, reports. Hilton was playing with the monkey, which normally roams the rain forests of Central and South America by night, when it took a chomp out of her. She was treated at an emergency room and called her publicist, Elliot Mintz, at 3 a.m. to report that she'd survived the ordeal.

That poor little raccoon-like mammal. I hope Paris didn't give it rabies.

Next time, aim for the neck!

And in other non-news, TomKat have invited Posh-N-Becks to their Scientology compound/supermax prison to visit--but under no circumstance to coo over, cuddle, burp, touch, or look at--their animinatronic alien stunt baby. From FemaleFirst:
Tom Cruise has invited Victoria and David Beckham to meet baby Suri.

But the 'Mission Impossible' star and fiancee Katie Holmes have issued their British friends with a list of instructions of how to behave around their daughter.

A source told Britain's Daily Star newspaper: "David and Victoria are honoured that Tom and Katie have asked them along.

"However they were a little shocked by the list of rules they'll have to follow.

"Apparently they can't take any photographic equipment, they're banned from touching Suri and they're not allowed to do any baby-talk around her.

"It will be very difficult for Victoria, because she just loves babies and is trying for a daughter with David at the moment."

The 'Top Gun' star is a devout follower of Scientology which does not allow cooing over babies as they believe it may effect their development.

Well, yes, that all seems to be in order. Some of the first visitors allowed to encounter one's baby should of course be a chav English soccer player and his tanorexic freakmonster of a wife, and naturally, no one should be allowed to coo over said baby, since sweet sounds of affection are obviously dangerous and counter-productive to the development of a normal, healthy, stable alien robot baby.

Bringing Posh Spice in for a royal audience with L. Ron's turkey baster spawn is kind of a genius move, when you think about it, because on Suri's planet, all the females look just like Posh.


Suri Cruise's paternal grandmother, Xon.

Suri will be all, "Grandma! Grandma!" and reach her adorable little tentacles through the bars of her cage towards the stick-like elongated orange being trying to refrain from cooing; then the men in black suits with dark glasses will rush in to stun-gun a confused Posh and give her and Becks some Hubbard 6000 Memory Blackout Pills, stuff them into plastic bags and drag the pair back to their limo, where they will wake up with their usual hangover, none the wiser. In the mean time, a hollow-eyed Katie Holmes will be led by her keepers back to her padded cell to resume her "treatments."

Just another day in paradise!


Angela said...

If Posh wants a girl that bad, she can probably order her own baby Suri too.

backwoods madam said...

My oh MY! I sure hope that little animal (and I'm referring to the cute little four legged one!) was taken to the vet immediately to be checked for. . . EVERYTHING! That girl has certainly been passed around more than a Reader's Digest in a doctor's waiting room! The GERMS. . .YUCK!

And as for the TomKat baby. . .Has anyone thought of calling the police so they can do some kind of a "welfare" check? This whole thing is just toooooooo strange and incredibly S A D! I think they should have tried parenting a pet first. Perhaps Ms. Hilton has one available?! Guess it's a little too late for that now. This brings so much more meaning to the phrase "poor baby!"