Wednesday, August 30, 2006

The Mayer of The Sunset Stripper

Well, I hate to be the bearer of terrible news, but it looks like not only were our prayers from yesterday regarding Jessica Simpson being permanently voiceless not answered, but she is also all over today's celeb gossip like a bad suit. As Friend of Felt Up TrAngela would so cunningly say, le sigh.

First up, the Sadder Simpson is supposedly dating John Mayer. According to People Magazine:
Jessica Simpson is embarking on a not-so-public affair – with singer-songwriter John Mayer, PEOPLE has confirmed.

"She's tiptoeing back into the dating world," a source tells PEOPLE. "It's the first stage. She's never been happier."

Mayer, 28, began a co-headlining tour with Sheryl Crow on Aug. 24, and Simpson, 26, is expected to attend his concert in Jones Beach, N.Y., on Wednesday night.

Simpson is currently in New York promoting her new album, A Public Affair, which was released Tuesday – although a bruised vocal cord has quashed any planned performances. Similarly, Mayer had to cancel his Hartford, Conn., appearance with Crow on Saturday due to laryngitis, the Associated Press reported
They both had simultaneous "laryngitis"? Uh, huh, right. You just know they gave each other some kind of oral thrush or throat gonorrhea (which I didn't even know was possible to get until Boyfriend of Felt Up Chepo P. made me watch a Very Special Episode of the new "Degrassi High" which dealt with this subject in its sensitive, Canadian way). Either way: Shuuuuddddder!

The other "big" story about Daddy's Newly-Crowned Second Favorite Simpson is that she got a little too close to K-Fed, and Britney Spears went into one of my all-time favorite celebrity modes, A Jealous Rage. At least that is what I was led to believe by gossip site The Bosh:
Pop tart Britney Spears went into a jealous rage when her hubby left her to cozy up with Jessica Simpson at the Teen Choice Awards. According to sources spilling to Australia's NW magazine, after Kevin Federline's critically panned debut performance, the aspiring rapper got cozy with newly single Jessica Simpson. Federline was all smiles as Jessica held his hand to tout his performance

Sources say, once Britney Spears got wind of the extra hand holding she was fuming.

Luck going her way, Britney Spears got her revenge on the same night

Jessica allegedly asked, pregnant Britney Spears to kiss her belly.

An eyewitness claims the 'Toxic' singer responded to Jessica's unusual question by saying: "Hell no!"

The witness added to Us Weekly magazine: "Jessica was really insulted, but Britney refused to let her do it."

Jessica, 26, hosted the awards ceremony and 24-year-old Britney attended to introduce husband Kevin Federline's debut live performance.

Jessica has revealed she lost eight pounds in just two weeks so she would look her best at the glitzy event.

This piece was a tad poorly-written; I think Jessica asked if she could kiss Britney's ginnormous pregnant belly, not the other way around like it makes it sound. Either way: Huh? That's her "jealous rage"? And did Jessica just hold K-Fed's hand onstage? Harrumph. I wanted nothing less than Britney Spears bursting in on Jessica Simpson and K-Fed en flagrante (I know--ewwww gross!) in a fancy hotel room, and then going berserk, breaking lamps, throwing Louis Vuitton luggage around (including Jessica's dog-carrier), shrieking like a banshee, pulling out Jessica's extensions and K-Fed's cornrows right off their heads, and finally going into trauma-induced premature labor right there on the sexed-up crumpled sheets of the bed, and a bellboy being forced to use one of K-Fed's torn-off cornrows to tie off the umbilical cord (which would all turn out fine for mother and child, of course, except for the fact that they are related to K-Fed). Now that's a jealous rage. My standards are high, people. I am not pleased with you, The Bosh. Not pleased a'tall.

Oh, and it looks like those eight pounds Jessica lost for that awards show have been pumped directly into her oral gonorrhea partner John Mayer's face:

Le Sigh...

1 comment:

TrAngela said...

OMG!!! I'm famous!!!!!!!

john mayer needs to step away from the beer. he's got the frat boy 15 going on. ew.