Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Hell Hathaway No Fury...

Your humble Felt Up blogette recently saw "The Devil Wears Prada," and when I wasn't muttering things under my breath---"I don't understand this...Why are Anne Hathaway's friends such complainers?...What's the big deal? She's getting free couture!....She should dump the guy from 'Entourage,' run off with ersatz gay Stanley Tucci, and enjoy her new, fabulous career in fashion!"--I was constantly thinking that Anne Hathaway would be a fabulous choice to play the official muse of Felt Up, Ms. Liza Minelli. That dark hair! That pale skin! Those almost freakishly oversized features! These qualities are as rare as carbs in button-nose, blonde, tananorexic Hollywood these days...

Now I come to find out that Zooey Deschanel is slated to play Liza in the upcoming Halston biopic, "Simply Halston." (And this information comes hot on the heels of the cruel disappointment wrought by the director passing over ace Charles Nelson Reilly impersonator Alec Baldwin simply because he is too bald, puffy, and crazy! Boo, hiss, Daniel Minihan, director of films and crusher of dreams! Good day, sir. I said good day!) Now, normally, I would be rather pleased that Anyone But Gwyneth was portraying our American royalty, and I actually have liked Ms. Deschanel in everything I've seen her in, but I can't help but feel gypped that my brilliant casting decisions are being ignored by the high muckety-mucks who make so-called movies these days. Don't the raving delusions of an unpaid blogger in a flyover state amount to a hill of beans anymore? I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!

Look, here's the orginal Warhol portrait of Liza With A Z:

And here's the Felt Up rendering of what Anne Hathaway might have looked like as The Great Lady:

Add a few pounds of mascara and it's erie, isn't it? God, how I wish Anne Hathaway would go on a total public rampage campainging for the role, a la Sean Young when she went berserk trying to get the part of Catwoman. I can just see Anne barraging the Daniel Minihan with phone calls in the middle of the night, showing up on "David Letterman" dressed in full Liza drag (or better yet, just dressing like Liza 24/7--it works for your humble Felt Up blogette!), crashing Liza concerts and demanding to sing duets with her, bursting into "Cabaret" whenever "Entertaiment Tonight" approaches her on the red carpet...It could work! It certainlly did wonders for Sean Young's career, right?

Get to it, Anne Hathaway! It's not too late! Just get some fishnets, high heels, sparkly dress and a wig---hell, just email me and I'll Fed Ex my 2005 Halloween costume!

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