Thursday, July 06, 2006

Gossip Overload!

Whew! There is a plethora of gossip out there today, so let's jump in right away and get ourselves dirty, shall we?

First up, from Page Six, there's a little item about the rather shocking reason behind Kathy Griffin's divorce from her husband (whose "reconciliation" on the show is apparently just for the cameras, I've heard):
KATHY Griffin decided it was time to split from her husband, Matt Moline, when she discovered he'd been stealing her money.

She told Larry King during a recent taping, "My ex-husband, without my knowledge, was sneaking into my wallet when I was asleep in the mornings and taking my ATM cards from my private accounts and withdrawing money . . . That money totalled $72,000."

The segment was to have run the other day but was bumped by the North Korea missile threat and will be rescheduled.

Ack! Dumb old Larry King! What kind of "journalist" pre-empts such important news for a few measly little nuclear missiles pointed at our heads? Get a hold of yourself, old man! Harrumph!

Next, also from Page Six:
BABY Suri Cruise isn't just playing hide-and-seek with the public.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have yet to show off their spawn to fellow Scientologists John Travolta, Kelly Preston and Lisa Marie Presley.

Even good pals Will and Jada Pinkett Smith supposedly have not met the newborn despite repeated calls to Cruise, reports Us Weekly.

"Every time, it's a different excuse: He's busy or Kate's not feeling well," said a source. "[The Smiths] think it's so weird."

Hmmmm...loyal Felt Up readers know that I have joked in the past about Suri being a fake baby, but what if it's really true? What if there is a factory somewhere in Malasia feverishly working around the clock to produce an animatronic Stepford baby to fool the world? I mean, if Lisa Marie Presley hasn't seen the kid, who has? TomKat just get creepier and creepier...AAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!


From the NY Daily News we have yet another story about J. Lo's incessant, never-ending practice of voodooism:
That bewitching booty may not be the only mojo Jennifer Lopez has working. Her former husband Ojani Noa claims J.Lo cast "voodoo" spells on him and other lovers.

After their marriage ended, "She was doing bad things to a lot of people," Noa alleged in a deposition last month. "She was doing all this religious bull- ... to me, to [second husband] Cris [Judd], to Puffy [Combs], to [current husband Marc] Anthony."

Reps for Lopez and Combs declined to comment on the hoodoo charges yesterday.

Noa made his claims during a grilling by Lopez's lawyers in connection with their 2005 agreement barring him from discussing their 11-month marriage.

Well, gee, you can't fault the girl for working her mojo. I myself have been known to dabble with the odd Santeria ritual...who hasn't? How do you think Daniel Craig got to play the new James Bond--talent? Oh, how I pity you poor fools. Poor, naive fools! HA HA HA HA!

After I cut off a chicken's head and burn one of Zooey Deschanel's hairs, that plum Liza Minelli role in "Simply Halston" is going to Anne Hathaway! Just wait! (I may have to go a little farther to get Alec Baldwin into the part of Halston himself. Let's just say that Brendan Fraser should be careful the next time he drinks a Bloody Mary. Perhaps I've said too much already. Let's move on.)

Also from The Daily News, a question for the ages, literally:
Just how young does Jeff Goldblum like 'em?

Us Weekly says the 53-year-old actor recently dined with 24-year-old waif Nicole Richie.

"Richie says she has had a crush on Goldblum since she was 13," the mag reports. "The pair have plans to go out again."

Cradle-robbing? Maybe. But Goldblum will have to skew a whole lot younger to threaten the sterling record set by fellow babe-magnet James Woods.

Condolences to Friend of Felt Up Terri R., who, like Nicole Richie, has harbored an inexplicable adoration of Jeff Goldblum for lo these many years. I do not presume to judge. All I can say about the Richie-Goldblum Affair is ewwwww grooossss...although compared to repellent old man James Woods'
icky relationship
with the 20 year-old daughter of one of his golfing buddies, Nicole and Jeff are like John and Jackie Kennedy in Camelot.

Moving on, we have some old news to cover. Everyone heard about this yesterday, but just in case, here's the rehash from WENN:
Two-time Oscar winner Hilary Swank has blamed her husband Chad Lowe's "substance abuse" for the break-up of their marriage.

The couple split up late last year and Swank filed for divorce in January.

The actress claims Lowe kept his addiction secret, although she doesn't reveal what substance he abused.

She tells Vanity Fair magazine, "I knew something was happening but I didn't know what. When I found out, it was such a shock because I never thought he'd keep something from me. And yet, on another level, it was a confirmation of something I was feeling that was keeping us from being completely solid. I don't want to make it seem like that's the sole reason; there were other factors. But that just kind of blew it open. It made me look at things a lot deeper. That's when you realize it's not going to work. When I found out, I wanted to be there, I knew it was the most important time of his life. That's when he needed me most."

How selfish of Hilary Swank not to tell us what substance Chad was abusing! The mind runs amok with possibilities! Was he snorting cocaine off the "Million Dollar Baby" script? Was he a junkie or hopped up on goof balls? Perhaps a Viagra-n-painkiller addiction, a la Rush Limbaugh? The public demands answers, Hilary Swank! You're the one who brought it up, after all! Poor whatshisname. How much more humiliation can Rob Lowe's brother take?

Speaking of illnesses, WENN also re-reports yesterday's news that Ashley Judd went to personality rehab to treat a bad case of chronic unlikability:
Ashley Judd underwent a 47-day program at a treatment center in February in order to deal with issues of her past including depression and isolation.

The 38-year-old endured a "chaotic" and "dysfunctional" childhood and slept to combat depression and exhibited a "compulsion to clean."

Judd is the daughter of Grammy-winning country sing-songwriter Naomi Judd and her sister is Wynonna Judd, also a Grammy winner.

She explains to American magazine Glamour, "I needed help. I was in so much pain."

The star describes herself as a "hyper-vigilant child" who attempted to behave perfectly in order to compensate for her lack of security.

She went to 13 schools in 12 years and shifted from living with her mother, her father Michael Ciminella and her grandparents.

Judd says, "Supposedly, my sister was the 'messed-up' one and I was the 'perfect' one."

It was during a visit with Wynonna while she was being treated for food addiction at the centre that counselors reportedly noticed Ashley's emotional problems and approached her about seeking help.

She says, "They said, 'No one ever does an intervention on people like you. You look too good. You're too smart and together. But you (and Wynonna) come from the same family, so you come from the same wound.' No one had validated my pain before."

Ashley credits her stint at the centre for helping her four-year marriage to Scottish race car driver Dario Franchitti.

She adds, "I was unhappy, and now I'm happy. Now, even when I'm having a rough day, it's better than my best day before treatment."

Oh, boo-hoo. How like Ashley to steal poor Wynonna's thunder once again and claim to be in more pain because she's prettier and thinner. Quelle tragique! Next up, Ashley returns to rehab in a valiant last-ditch attempt to find a sense of humor and/or humility. Whatever happens, fellow food-addict Wynonna will always have a plus-sized place in Felt Up's heart...

In other non-news, WENN titilates us with this item about hot grandma and fellow cougar Sophia Loren:
Italian screen veteran Sophia Loren has sparked speculation she has posed naked for next year's edition of the legendary Pirelli Calendar - at the impressive age of 71.

The Oscar-winning beauty, famed for her voluptuous curves, agreed to be photographed for the calendar which is known for its "artistic" portraits of famous women.

But Pirelli have hotly denied the nudity claims, and insist curious fans will just have to wait to see how the beauty posed.

Loren said she had "a lot of fun, like a young girl" at the shoot, which took place at a secret Californian location.

Loren will be the oldest woman to be shot for the calendar, which will also feature Naomi Watts, Penelope Cruz, Hilary Swank and Lou Doillon.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I for one would much rather see a possibly nude Sophia Loren pin-up than one of skinny, overrated, husband-emasculator Hilary Swank. Yuck!

Let's keep our fingers crossed that whatever else she takes off, Sophia keeps on the sexy glasses...

And finally, a truly horrible story from CNN:
A winner of the popular reality show "Survivor" was arrested Wednesday after allegedly shooting a puppy with an arrow.

Brian Heidik, 38, was released on bond after being charged with battery and cruelty to animals.

During the bond hearing in Douglas County Magistrate Court, Heidik told a judge he thought the dog was a coyote that has been harassing his pets, WSB-TV reported on its Web site.

Douglas County Chief Deputy Stan Copeland said it was a puppy.

"At about 3 a.m., his wife called to report that he was outside and that he had shot a puppy that was on his property with an arrow and planned to shoot another one," Copeland said.

When sheriff's deputies arrived, Heidik -- who won "Survivor: Thailand" in 2002 -- fled in his car but was quickly caught and taken back to the home where the incident occurred.

Heidik's wife, Charmaine, and 5-year-old son were present at the home at the time of the incident, Copeland said.

Copeland said there was evidence in the home to support a charge of battery for family violence. Because the case is pending, he could not elaborate on the nature of the evidence.

Both the wounded puppy and the second puppy were turned over to animal control officials to determine who they belonged to...

Heidik is a former North Carolina State football player, used-car salesman and part-time actor.

So I guess this confirms that good things happen to good people, right? Seriously, folks: No matter what your religious beliefs may be, if a family-abusing puppy impaler former used car salesman Kenny Loggins-lookalike can win a million dollars on a reality show, there really is no God. Can we all just agree on that?

I'll just stick to the voodoo dolls, thank you very much...especially the one with Brian Heidek's name on it.


Anonymous said...

For the last time, I love Jeff Goldblum b/c he played a rock 'n' roll scientist in "Jurassic Park" and for his role in "The Tall Guy"! Why is this so hard to understand?!!? I am grossed out by his young girlfriend habit, though.

Also, I think Chad Lowe and J-Lo's ex-husbands should get together and write a "fiction" novel (which would be turned into a film, natch) about Hollywood Husbands, kind of like, "The Devil Wears Prada." They could laugh off all the veiled accusations and stories as pure fiction! Does anyone else think this is a genius idea? Jeff Goldblum could play one of the husbands!

Terri R.

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