Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Funny Girl

It seems like everyone is always ready to take Barbra Streisand down a peg or two, especially over at Page Six, which gleefully reports today:
BARBRA Streisand may be starting to wish her last "farewell tour" six years ago truly was her swan song.

Sales for her upcoming gigs, which begin in October, have been disappointing, according to a top music industry source, who says fans are resisting ticket prices as high as $800, not including service fees. "Some cities [like] Detroit, where they wanted to do two days, are less than 3,000 sold," the source tells Page Six.

The slow ticket sales are said to be a concern for Michael Cohl and Live Nation, the promoters who paid nearly $80 million for Streisand's 20 shows with opening act Il Divo. The tour kicks off Oct. 4 in Philadelphia, continues in New York on Oct. 9, then rolls into Washington, Detroit, Boston, Ft. Lauderdale, Atlanta, Atlantic City, Chicago, San Jose, Las Vegas and Los Angeles. But with promoters facing the possibility of losing $15 million or more on the deal, they're now said to be mulling offers to book Streisand in Indian casinos.

Tour spokesman Ken Sunshine said of our source's claims, "That is bull[bleep]. Tickets are going through the moon."

Wowee! I mean, yes, of course, any sane person would love to experience a Night With Barbra--if only for the spectacular cavalcade of narcissism, parade of self-love, and festival of monomania that each show would provide in abundance--but $800 a ticket, "not including service fees"? That is just crazy talk. Apparently, even diehard fans are peeved that her last "last" tour in 2000 wasn't actually the final farewell she claimed at the time, plus no one can write of the tickets as charitable donations because Lady S. won't say exactly what portion of the ticket sales she is donating to various causes.

Oh, dear God in heaven. Please force Babs to play at Indian casinos! Pretty please! What would I do to ensure this blessed event? After much prayer and counsel, I have decided that I would:

1.) Stop taking the Lord's name in vain, except when I need to use it for snarky commentary on a gossip item.

2.) Treat all the little people and nobodies and underlings and lackeys that I surround myself with just as well as I do my close, personal friends Oprah, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates---or at least as well as Barbra doees.

3.) Stop drinking. Except on festive occassions. And holidays. And weekends. And whenever Barbra peforms a concert, anywhere on Earth.

4.) Say one "Hail Mary" every single day. Except that the words would have to be changed to the lyrics of "You Don't Bring Me Flowers."

5.) Say a prayer every night for James Brolin.

And Lord, if you could find it in your infinite wisdom to somehow throw in a live Barry Gibb duet somewhere in Felt Up's home state of Texas (preferably, again, at an Indian casino; I believe there are some in the pan handle or possibly near the Louisiana border, but I'm not picky), I will personally adopt a Nambibian baby and name her Streisand Nouvel Felt Up.

Amen.

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