Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Careless Whispers

It's a real mixed bag, today, people! Here's what we got:

First up, George Michael says that his fairytale weddding to longtime boyfriend Kenny Goss was not called off because of his penchant for anonymous sex with pot-bellied old dudes, but because of the couple's fear of crazed paparazzi ruining their big day.

From BBC News:
Pop star George Michael has denied his civil partnership ceremony with partner Kenny Goss was called off over reports that he had sex with a stranger.

"It's never been an issue between us," he told Channel 4 daytime presenters Richard Madeley and Judy Finnigan.

The 43-year-old phoned the programme to deny reports the encounter with a man on London's Hampstead Heath had caused a rift with his long-term boyfriend.

He said the ceremony had been put back over fears of "intrusion" by the press.

"With all the rubbish I've had to put up with in the last six months, we wouldn't get a small private wedding, which is what we want," he continued.

"I wanted something small and quiet, but I don't even think we'd get away with that at the moment."

The former Wham! singer begins his first UK tour in 15 years this September.

Extra concert dates were added in April after early ticket sales exceeded expectations.

Aww, come on George! A "small private wedding"? Phoeey! Make it a giant, extravagant affair, worthy of the Wham! legacy, for God's sake! Might I suggest something like fellow Brit Jordan's tasteful nuptials?

Andrew Ridgely could be flower girl! What about our needs, George?

In other non-news, former 'N Syncster Lance Bass is supposedly about to "officially" come out of the closet to People magazine, according to often-incorrect gossipeer Perez Hilton:
It's about time!

Our beloved Princess Frostylocks is coming out in the new issue of People magazine - out on newsstands later this week - multiple sources confirm exclusively to

The photo shoot was held Tuesday at the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills, and - yes - Lance is getting the cover, we hear.

Work it out sister!!

Oh, the equisite agony of being gay in a boy band. All those screaming girls--every one a lie! A dirty lie! Is it any wonder Lance tried to launch himself into outer space by paying millions of dollars to become a cosmonaut a few years back? I'll bet he's glad he didn't waste all that money after all; he probably could use it right about now. (And by the way, how could someone named Lance Bass not be gay? It sounds like a gay superhero's hidden identity or something. I'm just sayin'.)

And now for something completely different: Somebody finally makes fun of Tom Cruise!

NY Daily News:
Colin Farrell thinks Tom Cruise is a laugh riot — but Cruise isn't likely to share his amusement.

While hyping his latest movie, "Miami Vice," yesterday on the "Today" show and "Live With Regis and Kelly," Farrell repeatedly mocked his "Minority Report" co-star.

Appearing with Matt Lauer — whom the committed Scientologist famously branded "glib" last year during a debate about psychiatry — Farrell joked: "Stop being glib, Matt! You're glib, Matt, you're glib, you're glib!" Moments later, as Lauer struggled not to lose it, Farrell demanded sternly: "Are you being glib again?"

On "Regis and Kelly," Farrell rubbed it in. When the show came back from a commercial break, the Irish actor was caught glad-handing audience members and dashed back to his seat onstage. "Doin' my best Tom Cruise impersonation," he quipped.

As much as I love anyone making fun of Tom Cruise--especially his infuriating "glib" comments about prescription psyhiatric drugs--this all just smacks of Desperate To Keep "Miami Vice" From Ruining My Career Syndrome. God, that thing looks like a big stink bomb...

The only "Miami Vice" I'll ever need!

Finally, good ole inscrutable Ted Casablancas has a couple of nearly impossible to understand blind items today in his column "The Awful Truth":
I swear, I'd love to tell you all the one about the reality-TV dude who's diddling other guys in the pools of Hollywood boy-boy shindigs, but that one's just as tired (ultimately) as the one I'm about to spill. I mean, come on.

Okay, okay, so I will do--so to speak--the guy dish first: See, there's this boob-tube celeb who's, like, rather good-looking. Meatless Member has a nice face. Decent arms 'n' legs, sweet smile--but not exactly a whole lotta sausage cookin' in the kitchen down below. I mean, it was very nervy of M.M. to start having sex with other guys in the pool, what with every bitchy fag around, just waiting to spill the beans with no frank, as it were.

But M. was horny, so he did anyway--so there.

I'm hardly surprised Mr. Member was there at the posh address, frolicking at a homo-happening soiree in the first place, but most of (naïve) America will be startled, fer sure. It's all very snore-pie predictable.

As is Shellack Attack's latest man-romping move. I mean, many folks know Shellack's got a thing for the showier, naughtier boys--despite S.A.'s heart o' gold appeal. And this latest romance Ms. A.'s so very visibly involved in is hardly the surprise in that regard.

But it should be.

That's because sexy Shellack has finally found herself a man who has a bigger appetite for sno-cones, powder-style, than she does. And that's sayin' somethin'!

Oy. Can't you infamous types out there please come up with some new Vices, besides drugs and dalliances? Can't somebody steal a script that results in an Academy Award from their best friend anymore? I mean, that's, like, what, a hundred years ago already, isn't it?

OK. Using my handy Casablancas-To-English dictionary, I'm pretty sure there are three blind items hidden in the above verbiage.

First we have an underendowed reality show gay man named Meatless Member, who, frankly, could be anyone. I would give my right arm if it turned out to be the reality show star whose name rhymes with Yawnathan Mantin, but that's probably just wishful thinking on my part.

Then we have Shellack Attack, who is a female celebrity of some sort (no profession given...interesting!) whose latest boyfriend is even more into la cocaina than she is...I wonder if it could be the actress whose name sounds something like Feather Cocklear? Her new beau--Gayvid Made--seems like the type.

Then Ted sneaks in one last dig at someone who stole from his or her best friend either a) an Academy Award-winning screenplay or b) a role in a film that won the actor an Academy Award. I think it's the former, but with Ted, it's a little hard to tell. Any thoughts on any of these items? Funny rhyming names? Leave 'em in the comments box, por favor!


Anonymous said...

I thought the stolen script thing had something to do with Winona Ryder, so I Googled and was reminded that supposedly Winona and Gwyneth Paltrow quit being friends b/c Gwyneth saw the "Shakespeare in Love" script at Winona's apartment and somehow "stole" the role or the script. I hate them both, so whatever!

Terri R.

Anonymous said...

1. Ted Casablanca must die.
2. Lance Bass being gay is no surprise. Kathy Griffin or Griffith or whatever the hell her name is dated him or made out with him and she is sort of a man.

Rebekah said...

That Jordan picture reconfirms for me that "Footballers Wives" is more of a documentary than a satire.

Anonymous said...

Definatly ryan seacreast for meatless member - hence the other three idolers!

Shannon said...

Terri is correct -- the script thing is a reference to Gwyneth and Winona. Apparently, "sweet little Gwynnie," whom I despise, was over at former BFF Winona's house one day, and saw the script for "Shakespeare in Love." She took the script, read it, and called the director and begged for the part of Viola. I think we all know what happened next -- Harvey Weinstein's marketing department snagged multiple Oscars for a forgettable movie, and Gwyneth's reign of terror began. The horrors!