Thursday, July 20, 2006

Angela's Asses


Well, what a pisser. The vile person who should've been eliminated from the show wasn't, and one of the freakiest, most watchable cast members was. Have the producers lost their minds? They've never sacrificed good tv like this before, I swear! But let's back up, shall we?

The show began with Heidi telling the contestants that they would be dressing "American Royalty." Sadly, that royal personage was not Prince or Queen Latifah, but the current Miss USA, Tara Conner, who is about to compete in the Miss Universe pagaent. The camera zoomed in on Kayne, who was clearly peeing his pants with excitement, as well he should. His Bravo bio notes that:
In 2003, Kayne met his partner Warren and bought Southern Charm, an established formal wear and pageant store in Norman, Oklahoma. Within three years, Kayne's success in the pageant industry soared. In December of 2005, he dressed the entire top five teens and the winner and first runner up in the Miss Oklahoma U.S.A. pageant.

He cites Bob Mackie and Roberto Cavalli as major influences on his work.

Barbie designer Robert also looked pretty keyed up; I swear he and Kayne are like the same person, with different color hair.

The challenge was to design a pageant gown! Wheeeeeeee!

The other big news from Heidi was that the designers would have to work in teams of two. The bombastic, scary music cues would have you believe that this announcement was only slightly less ominous than if Tim Gunn had added, "In the nude. While riding a horse. Bareback." Seriously, everyone looked absolutley horrified, probably because no one wanted to end up with crazy 401K-casher-inner Vincent or Angela "I Own A Terrible Bubble Skirt In Every Color" Keslar. Heidi and Tim also said that Miss USA would choose 7 dress designs from the group, and those whose sketches were chosen would get to pick their own partner.

Angela, who apparently has no skills beyond annoying the crap out of me, immediately sidled up to ole Kayne, seeing as he was the odds-on favorite to win. Luckily, Kayne saw through her brazen attempt to latch onto his rising star and decided her bubble skirt would just weigh him down. Everyone seemed pretty appalled at her machinations, especially since she wasn't even attempting to draw up any dress ideas.

The first person to present his sketch was last week's winner Keith, who, in order to convey his design ethos to Miss USA, lunged forward and lovingly cupped and caressed her boobs. Miss USA seemed to enjoy it.

Then Miss Kayne came in and gushed about how much he loves pagaents, and how he gets it, and he watched her win the USA crown, and his design would showcase her face and make her look really pretty. I just wanted to reach into the screen and pinch those pink cheeks, I really did! Kayne's I mean, not Miss USA's. She kind of scared me.

So then that Angela came in and had the gall to tell Miss USA that she "doesn't do sketches," and proceeded to ask her for input on what she likes, such as "empire waists" and whatnot, and you could tell Miss USA was not used to such affrontery as a person of such national--nay, even international--importance, and gave Angela a look like she'd just farted in her face, which, metaphorically speaking, she did.

Miss USA ended up picking Keith's design (all that breast fondling really worked some magic, I guess); the rest were Laura, Jeffrey, Malan, Uli, and Vincent(!). There was a moment of tension when it looked like Kayne might not get chosen and he'd grab Miss USA and run screaming to the window and leap to both of their deaths, but luckily, he was picked and all was right in the gay universe. Whew!

Then the team leaders had to pick their underlings. Kayne picked Robert, yippee! Suprisingly, rich lady architect Laura chose lovable Michael from Hotlanta. (I have to admit I am warming up to Laura, despite her constantly reminding everyone that she used to be an architect and the fact that she showed up for the first episode hauling a complete set of vintage Louis Vuitton luggage.) Everyone else chose until it was just Vincent and Angela--and Lord have mercy, they were stuck with each other. Whew boy!

Well, the rest of the episode pretty much focused on the trials and tribulations of Vincent, who had calmed down somewhat from the premiere's full-tilt craziness, as he tried to deal with useless, talentless, critical, wet blanket Angela The Shrew. She sighed, moaned, rolled her eyes, second-guessed everything, and basically was the biggest pain in the ass since God created boils. It was obvious that she thought Vincent's dress would be so terrible that the judges would hate it, so her plan was to make it clear that she had absolutely nothing to do with it and had, in fact, tried to sabotauge it out of existence. Vincent, to his credit, stuck by his vision and pretty much just axed her out of the whole enterprise, especially since the few times Angela actually tried to do something, she messed it up. At one point, Angela complained to Keith about Vincent, and Keith totally said, "Bitch, his design was picked, he's the team leader, and you suck ass." I'm paraphrasing here, of course.

The other drama involved Malan The Vampyre's gown, which Tim said looked like it was carved out of a log, and which I thought looked like it had been designed by Mr. Hankey. Malan's partner Katherine was also very, very worried about the length, which she kept saying was "half a foot too short, half a foot too short," like a mantra, and lo and behold, when the model fitting took place, the dress was indeed half a foot too short and had to be let out.

Finally, it was time to show the designs on the runway. Laura and Michael's dress had some nice sparkle to it, but the neckline reminded me of a bathing suit, and the whole thing had a full-length ice skating costume vibe about it, and not in a good way:



Uli and Bonnie's gown was pretty and fairly hip for a beauty pagaent, but I thought the model's boobs sagged unflatteringly in the halter top:



Next we had the House of Hankey's log dress, by Malan and Katherine. Howdy-Ho!





And, of course, Kayne and Robert's pagaent-abulous gown:



There was some talk amongst the judges (Michael Kors was replaced by the frighteningly severe Vera Wang) about Uli and Bonnie's dress being the most "modern," but in the end truth, justice, and the American Gay won out and Kayne and Robert won the challenge. And thank goodness, because I just love both of those boys!


Kayne!

During the judges' discussion, I was gratified and surprised to hear Miss USA stand up for Vincent's design, which, while not my cup of tea (especially the weird epaulets that looked like something from "Flash Gordon"), was not the disaster one might have expected from the man behind last episode's Basket Hat Incident. In fact, the judges seemed to like Vincent's design, and they noted that Angela was a no-good, back-stabbing, harpy witch who didn't lift a wizened stick finger to help her partner.


Vincent and only Vincent's dress.

In the end, though, the log dress trumped bitchy uselessness, and fabulously odd Malan, with his crazy faux British accent, bizarre teeth, tuxedo jackets, and extremely weird countenance was OUT, and bubble-skirted waste of space beyotch Angela was IN.

Tim Gunn knew we would all be shocked at this turn of events, since we had assumed that good TV was more important than anything else to this show. In his blog Tim's Take, he writes:
Lest anyone think that any designer is kept on the show because of personality, let Malan’s departure dispel that myth.

I still think it's unfair that the person who couldn't even make a SKETCH was kept on the show over the person with the bad design. Harrumph!

PS
Still no word on the big drama that's supposed to go down, and the whole scandal was conspicuously absent from the promos. We wait with baited breath, Bravo!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Did you see this letter from Angela to BloggingProjectRunway posted early this morning?

She still grosses me out.
~Spare E