Wednesday, June 07, 2006

When The C-List and D-List Collide, We All Benefit

Regular readers of Felt Up know that I like to take silly celeb gossip items and embellish or comment upon them to point up their inherent ridiculousness. But every so often a story comes along that is so pristine, so perfect--like a flawless diamond, or a long-stemmed rose dripping with dew, or an assistant forced to breastfeed Kirstie Alley's pet possum--that it stands alone.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you "Actors Act Like School Jerks," from today's Page Six:
"ENTOURAGE" star Jeremy Piven and actor Stephen Dorff nearly came to blows after trading insults in the wee hours of yesterday morning at Bungalow 8.

Both actors - who had come from Sean Combs' party at Pink Elephant after the Council of Fashion Designers of America Awards - were, according to many spies, "well lubricated" when they showed up at Bungalow at around 1:30 a.m.

Piven, a well-known swordsman who once made out with four different women in 10 miutes in front of a Page Six reporter, had just gotten done telling our spy how he wanted to "score with chicks," when Dorff - who was in "Blade" and "Cecil B. DeMented" - cut the bathroom line in front of him.

According to our source, the altercation was "very high school."

Piven: "Yo, what are you doing? You know you don't need to cut the line!"

Dorff: "I can do what I want!"

Piven: "No, you can't!"

Dorff: "Yes, I can!"

Piven: "You're a has-been!"

Dorff: "At least I am a movie star - you're only on TV! Cable TV!"

The last comment caused Piven to scream expletives, and security guards were called before the two could come to blows.

A witness said, "Jeremy, who actually had a table, was shoved into a bathroom by security and left shortly after. And Dorff, who was in the standing-only section, kept hanging around all night telling anyone who would listen, 'I am going to kick Jeremy Piven's ass!' It was hilarious."

Dorff ended up at 5 a.m. at Scores West, telling strippers, "I'm a movie star - you should want to sleep with me," according to one member of his entourage.

We tried to call Piven's rep - Dorff doesn't have one - but it seems his longtime rep, Siri Garber, fired him Monday. "He has morphed into his obnoxious 'Entourage' alter ego, Ari Gold," a source said.

Last week, Piven was "obnoxious" at the "Entourage" premiere at the Arclight Cinemas in L.A. Spies relate that he kicked Garber out of her seat midway through the screening "so some hot chick he had just met could sit down. He was loud and awful to her. Siri has been with him forever and done everything for him - he is a pig."

Garber declined comment.

OK, forget what I said about this standing alone! I have to comment on it! I'm not made of stone after all, people. I am but flesh and blood.

Anyhoo, there are so many wonderful aspects to this saga; where to begin? I think I'll start with how fabulously, gloriously pathetic it is that:

a) Page Six had to provide screen credits for the gazillion readers who didn't know who the hell Stephen Dorff is!

b) He had to scream that he is a "movie star," not a cable tv star, when in fact, he is none of the above--see a)!

c) That he told a stripper she should want to sleep him with him because of his stellar work in such gems as the worst John Waters movie of all time, "Cecil B. DeMented"! (And please, before everyone gets their panties in a bunch, j'adore John Waters, but that was the biggest stink bomb ever to star Melanie Griffith, and that is saying a lot. And yes, I'm including "A Stranger Among Us," in which she is an undercover cop pretending to be a Hasidic Jew.)

d) That he was in the Bungalow 8 standing-room only section with the little people!

e) That he doesn't even have an agent these days!

Why do you have to act like such a Dorff?

As for Piven and his hair plugs (dude! you had way less hair in "Say Anything" in 1989!), I guess his Travel Channel program "Journey of a Lifetime," where he goes to India in search of spiritual enlightenment, inner peace, and outdoor yoga lessons really did the trick and practically made him a yogi full of peace, love, and understanding. (Yes, I saw the show. What of it? Ye who liveth in glass houses may casteth the first stone!)

Making his female agent give up her seat for a bimbo, getting fired by said agent, saying out loud that he wanted to "score with chicks," getting into a pissing match with The Dorff--any one of these things should qualify the man for an immediate episode of "Intervention" in which his concerned family and friends force him to watch all of his old movies (including "Car 54, Where Are You" and "Very Bad Things") over and over again with "A Clockwork Orange"-style toothpicks holding his eyes open, until he promises to go to a 12-step program to help him with his raging, out-of-control problems with egomania, self-adoration, and addiction to beauty treatments. Tough love, Piven family! It won't be easy, but he needs tough love!

The Maraharishi Mahesh Piven avec les plugs...

Sadly, Dorff is beyond help and should just be put out to pasture on "The Surreal Life."

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