Monday, June 26, 2006

Somebody's Got A Bad Case Of The Mondays


Felt Up has been scouring the Internets looking for something--anything--of interest in the non-news department, and there's nada. Zilch. Zippo. At least according to my stringent standards. Where are the meltdowns? Dance-offs? Diva fits? Drug busts? Sexcapades? Why do celebs hate me so much? These are questions that only the Gods of Gossip can answer, when they aren't too busy taunting me with Tori Spelling's marriage, P-Hole Hilton's entire riculous existence, or the never-ending parade of celeb baby and pregnancy porn in my tabloids each week. But here's the measly, pathetic scraps:

It's all Night Of The Semi-Living Nicole Kidman's wedding, all the time. Yawn. Aaron Spelling is still dead. And poor, pathetic Britney Spears had to take $5,000 instead of the $200,000 she was asking for some "glamour" shots she was peddling to magazines in a damage control effort following her disastrously wonderful Matt Lauer interview.

And then from Fox News, there's this semi-funny explanation for the lack of Suri Cruise photos in the mass media (besides her lack of existence on this planet, that is):
If like everyone else you've been wondering what happened to Suri Cruise and why we've never seen a picture of her, here is part of the answer: No one wanted to pay for her.

According to my sources, a photo shoot of Suri was offered to Wire Image, the prestigious agency, for sale to the various celebrity magazines right after the little "Mission: Impossible"/"Dawson's Creek" tyke was born in silence to her unmarried movie star parents Tom Cruise and the dazed-looking Katie Holmes. An auction was conducted, with People, US Weekly, Star and the lesser names like In Touch all putting in their two cents.

Unfortunately, it must have felt like two cents to Cruise given the amount that Shiloh Jolie-Pitt fetched from People: $4 million, not to mention more from magazines around the world.

The Cruise auction is said to have produced not more than a $3 million bid. At that point, the offer was rescinded. The mission was termed "impossible." No further word was heard from the Cruise camp.

Exactly who from Cruise's strange inner circle initiated the contact is still unknown, although I am told the enterprise was "official." It's likely that the Church of Scientology would have gotten a cut, too, considering they like to take 10 percent of everything from their celebrity clients.

And now that Suri is almost three months old, has her price gone up or down? The answer, says one of the mag's experts, is down.

"Shiloh was the whole deal," my source said. "We won't see a baby like that again for a while."

In other words, Britney Spears shouldn't expect a windfall for her latest Federline product.

This whole "peddling the baby pix" thing gives me the creeps. Sure, Shiloh's purse went to charity, but still, I find it unseemly and hard to understand. Why does anyone care about a newborn baby's picture (besides one's own, I mean)? I know I am not the most, shall we say, maternally-minded of dames, but I just don't get the fascination with other people's children. Even famous people's children. They are still little kids, and what could be more boring?

Poor TomKat. They spent good money on the fake pregnancy belly and the ersatz sonogram machine and the photographic stunt baby, only to see their "baby" thunder stolen by Brangelina. They didn't realize that The World's Sexiest Baby always trumps Freaky Faux Baby every time.

Speaking of The Chosen One, here's some Shiloh for you. Might as well jump on the baby porn bandwagon. Sigh.

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