Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Morning Becomes Electra

Dude, there is like no gossip today! And I'm sorry, but I can't muster up any enthusiasm whatsoever for barely human walking Botox injection Nicole Kidman's impending holy, sacred nuptials to extremely metrosexual country singer Keith Urban. Dullsville!

Since I'm reduced to scraping the bottom of the barrel, why not mention that Dave Navarro and his beard, Carmen Electra, may finally be ready to dissolve their sham of a marriage? According to my beloved Star Magazine:
Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro smile for the cameras, but insiders say their two-and-a-half- year marriage is all but over.

"It's not going to last the summer," a source close to the couple predicts. "They've really been separate for some time now, but it looks like they're going to let it fester for a while before they finally call it quits."

Further fueling split rumors was their behavior on June 7 — Dave's 39th birthday. Although Carmen, 34, went to see his new band, The Panic Channel, perform in West Hollywood, she didn't walk the red carpet with him and skipped his birthday party afterward, the insider observes.

"Since March, they've hardly been together at all," the insider says. "She's traveling all the time and doesn't even bother to tell him her schedule. Dave's pissed off, and the stress of seeing the marriage going downhill must be breaking him apart. I think one of the reasons she's working so hard is she doesn't want to face the fact that her marriage is over. Bottom line is that the thrill is gone."

The insider says Dave tried to patch things up, but it wasn't to be. "They soon drifted back into friction," the insider says. "His only hope is that he'll get into his music while he's off on tour. That might help him beat being bummed out about it all." Carmen's rep would only say, "They're still together."

Puh-leese. Don't insult our intelligence, Carmen's rep, whoever you are! Not since Star Jones gushed about her and Big Gay Al's sensual romance have I seen such a case of They Doth Protest Too Much.

Dave-n-Carmen are constantly in magazines or on the z-grade celeb shows like "Access Hollywood," talking about keeping the alleged spice in their alleged love life with lingerie shows or stripteases or tantric yoga or scented oils or bellydancing or what-have-you. HA! Elton John's marriage to that Australian lady was more believable!

And you have to wonder if maybe this marriage of convenience worked well for both of them--especially since Carmen's recent public gushings about her crush on Joan Jett. (Although, to be fair, what sane person doesn't have a crush on Joan Jett?)

Sure, sure, I could be wrong. It's just that there seems to be an inverse ratio between someone's heterosexuality and the amount of public canoodling they do. (Is that right, "inverse ratio?" Or is it "direct correlation?" Oh, you know what I mean.) Why not just come out? I'm all for being out, out, out! These facades must be so tiring to maintain all the time. It's exhausting just looking at all the elaborate faux sexiness that these people engage in before the cameras! Prancing around with the loathesome Pussycat Dolls and whatnot. (I'll tell you what--the first sign of impending marital doom is the wife hosting a Pussycat Dolls show. I'm talking to you, Jessica Simpson. And guess who is in the current issur of my beloved Star, all "Dolled" up? Miss Denise Richards, naturellement. It's the kiss of death! And not just aesthetically speaking!)

It's not like either of their careers would suffer by being honest. We are not talking about The A-List, here, people. Box office millions are not at stake (unlike, say, TomKat's situation). Navarro has the Jane's Addiction and Chili Pepper money safely in the bank. Rob Halford has already bravely blazed the trail for gay rock stars. Maxim wants--nay, hopes, prays--for Carmen to be a lipstick lesbian. There are no children to hurt (unlike, say, TomKat). No one takes either of you seriously as it is, so why not go for it?

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