Thursday, June 15, 2006


I forgot to mention a tidbit from today's smorgasbord o' gossip! Page Six reports that Alec Baldwin was up for the part of fantabulous '70s fashion designer Halston in an upcoming biopic, but lost the role because he's "too fat and too bald." Now Brendan Fraser, of all people, is going to be Halston. Boo! Hiss!

Sure, Alec Baldwin might be un peu zaftig and, yes, he may perhaps lack a certain hirsuteness about the pate, but I still think he would be able to capture Halston's divinely decadent essence. Haven't the producers of the movie seen his stellar work as Charles Nelson Reilly on "Saturday Night Live"? It's genius! (Although in the interest of full disclosure, I must admit that j'adore all things Charles Nelson Reilly related. Between him and Paul Lynde, my childhood afterschool tv-watching days were filled with magic and laughter, and yes, tears. Tears of joy! But I digress.)

And since we're sticking to a food-related theme, heres a lil' midnight gossip snack: Friend of Felt Up Sharon C. called tonight with the urgent news that Britney Spears was getting interviewed by Matt Lauer on "Datleline NBC," and thank God she did, or I would have forgotten! I'd nearly betrayed the sacred trust of my loyal readers to keep abreast of all the truly important current events of the day! Luckily there was still time to watch, and people, I am here to tell you that this was some riveting television.

First of all, La Spears was wearing a very low-cut plunging top--with her ginormous pregnant boobs hanging out over the edge of an ever-so-slightly visible bra--and some sort of too short Daisy Duke-ish denim skirt. Her hair was way too bleachy blonde and you could see the exact place where her blunt-cut real hair lay on top of the fakey-fake, cheap-looking extensions. Her lipstick was kinda smeared, and there was something really weird going on with her fake eyelashes--on one eye, they appeared clumped together, like she'd fallen asleep with them on and woken up in a fit. Actually, her whole ensemble had a "just emerged from a medically-induced coma" vibe about it, and not in a good way. She chewed gum nonstop during the interview, even when she broke down sobbing about the cruel intrusions of the paparazzi on her life. She blah blah blahed about being a good mom and not putting her baby into a carseat that time because she's "country" (she actually said this, I'm not making it up) and that when she finally gets back to making music again, she wants to work with good people and find her "nick" or possibly "neck," but Sharon and I both thought she meant to say "niche."

Oh, Britney! Where were your handlers? Do you not have a stylist? Do you earnestly but tragically eschew the image-makers and publicists and spin doctors and hairdressers and facialists who keep most other celebs looking presentable to the public in some misguided attempt to "keep it real"? What is going on? Is this a cry for help? Were you hoping Matt Lauer would whisk you away from the disaster of your personal life and give you an Eliza Doolittle-esque makeover?

Well, whatever this was, I'm glad I got to witness it. Like a rubbernecker at a trainwreck, I couldn't turn away! Don't go changin', lady. Look like hell! Say crazy crap! Drop your kid on his head a couple more times! Give K-Fed a raise! You are the light of my life. The trashy, unkempt, blowsy-before-your time, unbelievably disheveled light!

1 comment:

impy chimp said...

she's fast becoming america's little white trash sweetheart. GOD I'm so mad I missed this.