Thursday, June 15, 2006

Gossip Smorgasbord!

Yes, though there isn't one super-spectacular, utra-awesome, David-Gest-Prances-Around-With-Jane-Russell-caliber gossip item today, there are quite a few little morsels that when put together almost make a meal. A funnel cake, cotton candy, and corndog kinda meal, but a meal all the same! (Mmmm. Corndogs....)

First up, the continuing downward spiral of The Trashiest Mommy In Hollywood, from WENN:
Britney Spears stunned shoppers and staff at a Victoria's Secret lingerie shop last week, when she changed her son's diaper on the store's dirty floor.

The Toxic singer was shopping at the shop in Mission Viejo, California, on June 4, where she purchased some pink g-stings with eight-month-old son Sean Preston in tow.

The tot needed to have his diaper changed and the 24-year-old plopped him down on the floor next to the cash register.

A shocked sales associate recalls, "We don't have the cleanest floors. She just put him down and changed his diaper and then handed it to a sales clerk saying, 'Can you throw this away for us?' We told her that we couldn't put that in our trash."

Oh, bless her lil' backwoods, barefoot heart! I can't help but love someone as famous as she is who would do this. While buying pink g-strings. At a mall. I think even a non-celeb changing a diaper in the middle of a Victoria's Secret would cause some shock and dismay, but the world-famous wife of hardcore rapper extraordinaire Kevin Federline? Amazing! I heart Britney!

The saddest part of all is that Britney still doesn't know how to fold a diaper correctly:

Next up we have a delightfully bitchy item in Page Six about Dame Madonna Ritchie's new stint as H&M's spokesmodel:
H&M is getting second-guesssed for tapping Madonna as its new celebrity endorser - not because she's too edgy for the teen fashion chain, but because, at 47, she's too old.

"These kids trade in stars every two or three years, and many don't know Madonna," ad legend Jerry Della Femina told us. "I could see her signing up with Loehmann's, I can't see her with H&M."

Madonna's spokeswoman, Liz Rosenberg, retorts: "I defy any 18-year-old to do a quarter of what Madonna does on stage. I hope Jerry Della Femina takes a nice pill."

Meanwhile, Loehmann's was excited. "We'd love to have Madonna - if we could afford her," chirped store flack Linda Mann.

Normally, I don't like people who persist in throwing female celebs out to pasture once they get past 40, but in this case, I'm all for it! Madonna is a grotesque. I know the gays still love her, and God knows I usually love what the gays do, but this time I have to say: Enough! Enough with the carved-out scary face and the backbends and The Thighs Of No Return. I like my Madonna with bits of lace and fishnet sticking out her hair and a thousand rubber o-rings dangling on her wrist, not this be-leotarded freak who sounds like the Queen Mum and rambles on about Kabbalah. Bleh!

As for Loehmann's--heh, heh, and double heh. I love it! For those not in the know, Loehmann's is a discount store chain that carries racks upon racks of designer clothing with the labels cut out, and is famous for its horrifying communal dressing rooms. (Felt Up has spent many a mortifying moment sucking in the gut and trying hard not to stare at nearby old ladies' odd, frightening undergarments in a Loehmann's dressing room, let me tell you. But I digress.) To be fair, I do think most 18-year-olds do know who Madonna is. I just think that they, like the rest of us, find her terrifying.

And, finally, here's something sure to warm the heart of Friend of Felt Up and Zach Braff superfan Ursula F. From WENN:
Scrubs star Zach Braff and Mandy Moore have ended their relationship, according to media reports in the US.

The couple have reportedly gone their separate ways, mainly due to the nine-year age gap between them.

Us Weekly West Coast Editor Ian Drew says, "They both decided that after two years, Mandy was a little young. Zach was ready for something different and they wanted to just kind of test the waters a little bit. It was an amicable break."

A source tells the American magazine, "Mandy was very young when they got together and she wanted to see what's out there, now that she's a woman. Zach was mature and realized it is time to let her do that."

The pair have been tight-lipped about their relationship, but the 22-year-old singer launched a scathing attack on tabloid journalists earlier this week, who reported on the rumored break-up. She wrote on her website, "I believe that personal issues (like this one) should be kept private. This sort of unscrupulous conduct should be unethical for the media to practice and I'm sickened by the extent that these people are willing to go to make a name for themselves."

The 31-year-old Garden State star has wasted no time moving on, he was recently seen partying with pals at Hollywood hot spot Hyde on June 8 and unsuccessfully romancing Jessica Simpson.

I have decidedly mixed feelings about this, for Ursula's sake. On the one hand: Yay! Zach and Mandy have broken up! On the other hand: Dear Sweet Baby Jesus. Jessica Simpson? Have you lost your ever-loving little mind, Zach Braff? Good god, man! Get a hold of yourself! Don't go down the path of darkness. Turn away from Evil. Say "no thanks" to Beelzebub. Find yourself a nice, age-appropriate, non-singing, non-pro lady and turn your back forever on the seedy temptations of people named Simpson. ACK! I just thought of something terrible! STAY AWAY FROM ASHLEE! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE ZACH BRAFF! RUN FOR THE LIGHT! RUN FOR THE LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!

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