Monday, May 08, 2006

Time For Rhymes With...

Page Six has a veddy interesting pair o' blind items today, and thank God, because the only other celebrity "news" floating around is that Republican dweeb Adam Sandler has spawned a child---yawn. Sorry, that's not quite right. Let's see: Gag, then yawn. My mistake.

Anyhoo, here they are:
WHICH Hollywood hellcat supposedly has a sick sexual fetish for something called the "Donkey Punch?" The starlet was having sex with a much-older boyfriend a while back and begged her shocked bedmate to "hit me in the face" at the peak of their passionate lovemaking . . .

WHICH large-living celebrity chef may be about to get an intervention from concerned friends who are increasingly worried about his gargantuan appetite for cocaine, cigarettes and expensive cheese?

OK...the "Hollywood hellcat" sounds suspiciously like the starlet whose name rhymes with Sindsey Po' Man--especially since her name is also synonymous with violent daddy issues. But what do I know?

The celeb chef with the dangerous coke-n-cheese habit could be the cook whose name sounds somewhat like Panthony Pourpain, although as a former heroin addict that would be pretty sad; it also might be the chef whose moniker is similar to Sobby Bray, since he seems to "live large." Oh, hell, it could be any one of those guys. I now have a semi-grotesque image permanently imbedded in my mind of a man in a chef's hat lying in his own filth in some kind of opium-den like private room in the dark recesses of a whorehouse in Saigon, smoking two cigarettes at once, snorting a huge line of coke, and having great gobs of cheese stuffed into his piehole by nubile hookers in waitress uniforms. Which is almost as bad as the thought of giving birth to Adam Sandler's baby.

Any thoughts? Better rhymes? Leave 'em in the comments box, along with a nice hunk of smelly gorgonzola.

Special shout out to Friends of Felt Up VeeDub and Jed M., who are leaving Felt Up HQ for greener pastures. Luckily, I'm fairly certain they have the internets in South Carolina...Bon voyage, you crazy kids.


Shazza said...

Could the celebrity chef be the dork whose name rhymes with Blocko Dee Creepio?

Lucinda said...

I thought a donkey punch was to the back of the head? At least that's how we do it around Chez Slate. Anyhoo, what actress would want to be punched in the face...I mean, their looks are everything. I have issues with this particular blind item.

Flimsey NoMan said...

That's a rabbit punch. Gawd... doesn't anybody know how to screw anymore?