Wednesday, May 31, 2006

It's Crumbelievable!

US Weekly has a photospread of a certain pseudo-celeb sporting a fresh-faced new look...Can you guess who he is?

Is it:

a) the winner of "The Apprentice"?

b) The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency's latest male model discovery, Hansel Cujo?

c) the new president of The Christian Coalition?

d) the actor cast as Potsie's son on "The NEW Happy Days"?

e) poor, pregnant Britney Spears' crumby hubby Kevin "K-Fed" Federline?

If you guessed, e) congratulations! You are addicted to trashy gossip magazines to the detriment of your everlasting soul, just like me.


Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Derek Zoolander: Watch Your Back!

I hate to veer from my strict All Gossip, All The Time format, but I have to crow a lil' bit about the fashion show my store Blue Velvet put on a couple weeks back. We did a tribute to David Lynch, and many Friends of Felt Up contributed their time, energy, and world-class runway modeling skills for our wee show. Take a look here to see Jerry Howard's amazing photos of the once-in-a-lifetime event.

In the mean time, here's fellow blogger Greg Beets struttin' his stuff as Sailor from "Wild At Heart":


Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Clifford Antone--RIP

The Austin-American Statesman is reporting that legendary Austin blues club and record store owner Clifford Antone has died. Although there's been no official word yet as to cause of death, I've heard from the grapevine that it was an apparent heart attack that happened while he was asleep, although that's just speculation at this point.

This is definitely another end of an era for A-town's music scene.

BB King and Clifford Antone.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Dirrty Vs. Crazy

Page Six has a delightful little item today about a "catfight" (in quotes because Felt Up has very stringent rules--including hair-pulling, drink-throwing, and dance-offing--for what qualifies as a true, honest-to-god catfight) between married skanteuse Christina Aguilera and her nemesis, Mariah Carey:
DON'T put Mariah Carey in the same room as Christina Aguilera.

Without any prompting, Aguilera talked out of school about the multiplatinum-selling songbird to GQ, and now the two are engaged in a full-fledged feud.

The recently married Aguilera started the catfight when she told the June issue of GQ: "She was never cool to me. To the point that one time we were at a party and I think she got really drunk, and she had just really derogatory things to say to me in front of [Aguilera trails off] . . . But it was at that time that she had that breakdown, so she might have been very medicated."

[For the record, Carey has never been anything but a sweetheart with Page Six].

Carey and her manager, Benny Medina, were shocked to hear Aguilera slag her off and immediately responded.

"I had hoped that Christina was in a better place now than the last time I saw her, when she showed up uninvited at one of my parties and displayed questionable behavior," the duo e-mailed to Us Weekly.

"It is sad yet predictable that she would use my name to reinvent past incidents for her promotional gain. It is in my heart to forgive, and I will keep her in my prayers."

Aguilera immediately sent out a mea culpa statement. "At this point in my life," she said, "I do not want bad energy with anyone. My intentions were not to upset Mariah. I have all the respect in the world for her."

Aguilera has said that since she married Jordan Bratman last year, she wants to clean up her "Dirrty" image. But she poses naked in GQ with nothing but artfully draped bedsheets hiding her naughty bits.

Meanwhile, although married life may be grand for Aguilera, 25, some of her friends she can do without. Things took a nasty turn at a raucous party last month.

"A close friend of Christina's had sex on her sofa and someone urinated on her white shag carpet," Us quotes a source as saying.

"Christina lost it. She was yelling and screaming at everyone," the source said. Aguilera presumably had a professional come clean up the mess.

No one accuses Mimi of being "medicated" at a party and lives to tell the tale, Christina. Nobody! You really don't want to be on her bad side, believe me. If it ever came to blows between the two of you in a dark alley somewhere, Mariah would squash you like a bug. Because when it comes to dirrty vs. crazy--everyone knows that crazy always wins!

But I must admit that j'adore the urine-soaked rug/sexed-upon couch angle to this story. Just goes to show you can take the married lady out of the skank, but you can't take the skank out of the married lady. Huzzah!

Tonight is the fashion world's introduction to new international male model and fellow blogger Greg Beets at the Spring Fashion Show at Club de Ville here in Austin! For those not in the know, my "real job" is owning Blue Velvet Vintage Clothing, and we usually provide the court jesterish entertainment at these events--in good way, of course. Besides Mr. Beets, we will be featuring Friends of Felt Up Tanya B., Richard M., Teresa R., and the triumphant return to the runway of Sublime Stitching's Jenny Hart (in two--count 'em two--different roles!)

The show starts at 9 pm at Club de Ville, 900 Red River, and benefits AIDS Services of Austin.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

People Who Need People Are The Luckiest People In The World

I love, love, love this story from the NY Daily News about Babs Streisand wheedling her way into free movie tickets from a "Simpsons"-style pimply teenage movie theater worker. However, I wish the source was not an Ann Coulter wannabe who helpfully provided a glamour shot of herself to run with the story:
Mega-diva Barbra Streisand and television actor James Brolin might be millionaires many times over, but don't expect them to pay $20 for a pair of movie tickets.

Arriving at the Mann Agoura Hills 8 near their Malibu estate on Friday night — apparently to see "Mission: Impossible III" — the 64-year-old singer-actress and her 65-year-old hubby wheedled their way into free seats by schmoozing the teenager in charge.

"We asked especially for you," Streisand cooed to the young man at the customer service desk, as Brolin smiled a winsome supporting-actor smile. "We haven't seen you in a while," La Streisand went on.

The flattered young man said he'd been transferred briefly to a different Mann multiplex, and added: "You're always welcome here. We'll take care of you."

Then he waved the happy couple past the ticket-takers.

Unluckily for Babs and Jim, the transaction was witnessed by paying customer Jennifer Grossman, a fellow Malibu resident and self-described "subversive right-winger" who doesn't much care for Streisand's Democratic politics.

"I just couldn't believe it," Grossman told me yesterday. "It's one thing to be comped their tickets, but it's quite another to ask to be comped, in order to save a lousy $20 bucks. But she's notorious for being this way. I wonder if she goes to Ralph's in Malibu and asks if she can have her groceries for free."

Yesterday, Streisand's PR rep said it's customary for "major stars" to get into movies for free. "It's a professional courtesy that many theaters extend to film stars." But Mann's doesn't have a policy of comping celebs.

Like I said, great item, but tainted by a Democrat-bashing source. Here's the "suversive right-winger"'s headshot:

It all just smacks of I Bet I Can Parlay My Streisand Story Into a Regular Talking Head Gig On The O'Reilly Report Sydrome. Bleh! Phooey! You have corrupted the purity of my gossip with your craven political aspirations, Ms. Grossman! Harrumph!

But damn, I still love the idea of Madame Streisand cajoling $20 movie tickets from Puberty Boy. Can you really blame her? Sometimes the little people need to be reminded of their place in the pecking order, after all...

Monday, May 15, 2006

If You Like Pina Coladas And The Taste Of Cocaine...

Sorry for the lack of posts lately, people, but it wasn't entirely because I'm a lazy sod; there just hasn't been much juicy gossip of late, at least not the kind that makes your humble Felt Up blogette's blood start pumpin' faster. Until today, when this little item appeared in the NY Daily News:
With all the ugly accusations being thrown around by Denise Richards, maybe you don't want to date Charlie Sheen.

But you can.

According to a very reliable source, the "Two-and-a-Half Men" star has been meeting women online through the Web site

Although the site amusingly offers a different signup option "if you are a celebrity," Sheen does not identify himself as a famous actor.

"He says he's a talent agent," says the snitch. "He's done this with multiple people. He's caught a few flies in his web posing as a talent scout."
And I hear he has recently had more than one date with a woman he met through the Web. Sheen's rep declined to comment.

Although I promised not to reveal his screen name, I will give you a little hint: It starts with an M and ends with a Z.

Happy hunting, girls!

Wow. ""? Wow.

I wonder if the women who show up for a date with a "talent agent" are pleasantly surprised to find it's actually Charlie Sheen, or if they run screaming from the room the second they see his face. Sadly, I'm pretty sure most bimbos would be delighted to share a cocaine-fueled underage-gay-porn-n-gambling binge/dream date with Mr. Sheen.

But what is really killing me is that tantalazing clue we get about his profile name, that it "starts with an M and ends with a Z"....DAMMIT! What could it be? What screen name says "I Am Charlie Sheen In A Not-So-Clever Disguise?"

Perhaps..."MyPlatoonOrYourz"? "MyShow21/2MenRulez"? "MegaHotTalentScout(ReallyCharlieSheen)WantsBabez"?

Got any better ideas, people? Surely you must. Leave 'em in the ole comments box, along with an autographed photo of our hero.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Time For Rhymes With...

Page Six has a veddy interesting pair o' blind items today, and thank God, because the only other celebrity "news" floating around is that Republican dweeb Adam Sandler has spawned a child---yawn. Sorry, that's not quite right. Let's see: Gag, then yawn. My mistake.

Anyhoo, here they are:
WHICH Hollywood hellcat supposedly has a sick sexual fetish for something called the "Donkey Punch?" The starlet was having sex with a much-older boyfriend a while back and begged her shocked bedmate to "hit me in the face" at the peak of their passionate lovemaking . . .

WHICH large-living celebrity chef may be about to get an intervention from concerned friends who are increasingly worried about his gargantuan appetite for cocaine, cigarettes and expensive cheese?

OK...the "Hollywood hellcat" sounds suspiciously like the starlet whose name rhymes with Sindsey Po' Man--especially since her name is also synonymous with violent daddy issues. But what do I know?

The celeb chef with the dangerous coke-n-cheese habit could be the cook whose name sounds somewhat like Panthony Pourpain, although as a former heroin addict that would be pretty sad; it also might be the chef whose moniker is similar to Sobby Bray, since he seems to "live large." Oh, hell, it could be any one of those guys. I now have a semi-grotesque image permanently imbedded in my mind of a man in a chef's hat lying in his own filth in some kind of opium-den like private room in the dark recesses of a whorehouse in Saigon, smoking two cigarettes at once, snorting a huge line of coke, and having great gobs of cheese stuffed into his piehole by nubile hookers in waitress uniforms. Which is almost as bad as the thought of giving birth to Adam Sandler's baby.

Any thoughts? Better rhymes? Leave 'em in the comments box, along with a nice hunk of smelly gorgonzola.

Special shout out to Friends of Felt Up VeeDub and Jed M., who are leaving Felt Up HQ for greener pastures. Luckily, I'm fairly certain they have the internets in South Carolina...Bon voyage, you crazy kids.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Frowsy Frillies

I would like to pose a question to you, dear reader. If I were to tell you that serial homewrecker and horrendous dresser Helena Bonham-Carter had decided to launch a line of underpants, what name would you come up with for said line? Could you think up a mean, funny, name that would make you giggle every time you said it, because it would so perfectly capture Ms. Bonham-Carter's unique combination of dowdy frowsiness, olden-timey period costumery, and man-stealing nut jobbiness? Think about it for a while....

OK. Now, if the name you came up with was "Pantaloonies," then you will naturally be pleased and proud to discover that you are thinking on exactly the same wavelength as Ms. Bonham-Carter, who:
is preparing to launch her sexy clothing range Pantaloonies at London's exclusive department store Harrods.

She revealed: "I woke up on my 35th birthday and thought, 'I've got to do something other than act'. What doesn't sit will with me is waiting for others to employ me. Plus using me always as the raw material. It's nice to make something out of something that isn't oneself."

The Oscar-nominated actress teamed up with swimwear designer Samantha Sage to create the new line and their first collection is called Bloomin' Bloomers and features a selection of Victorian camisoles, mop caps and bloomers.

The charity-conscious brunette is also planning on helping others through the success of the venture and a percentage of proceeds will be donated to United Nations Children's Fund (UNICEF).

Sorry, I should have also mentioned that "Bloomin' Bloomers" was also taken!

It is rather refreshing to see that Helena is so completely aware of her own awful, awful persona and is willing to use that terrible image to swaddle unsuspecting shoppers in droopy Victorian breeches. How this line could possibly be "sexy," as Female First described it, is beyond me, although I guess she had to use something to lure Kenneth Branagh and Tim Burton into her black widow spider's web.

I am so excited by the prospect of owning a Helena Bonham-Carter mop-cap-n-bloomer ensemble to wear to the beach that I might just have to go into more debt and charge a plane ticket to London so I can race to Harrod's and beat you lot to the punch. I shall be the belle of the ball! Tra-la-la-lee-la!

Don't forget to put your non Pantaloonies or Bloomin' Bloomers underpants/swimwear names in the comments box. Thanks, guv'nor, wot wot! The winner gets to be the first one to see me covered head-to-toe in a totally hot 19th century modesty shroud!


Monday, May 01, 2006

A Day Without Felt Up

Sorry, folks, but Felt Up is unable to produce any gossip, since her army of underpaid illegal immigrant workers decided not to show up for work today, for some unknown reason.

Don't worry, when they return they shall be severely punished. I'm thinking of making them watch non-stop, back-to-back episodes of My Super Sweet 16, then carrying Felt Up into her living room on a rickshaw, making a life-size ice sculpture of Felt Up wearing a harem-girl outfit, weeping with frustration at their obviously less-fabulous outfits, and then audibly gasping in jealous amazement when Daddy of Felt Up presents her with a Mercedes convertible and a diamond-studded Rolex.

That's what America is all about, right?